On Sin, Evil and the Existence of God

A friend of mine initiated a Facebook discussion about "sin" the other day.  I initially ignored the post, but today when I saw 73 comments on it, I was intrigued.  What were people saying about sin?

This particular friend of mine was raised LDS (Mormon), as I was, and recently decided to end her participation with the religion (as I did almost seven years ago).  I was curious to see what her Facebook audience looked like - how much of the commentary would come from her old world of religious conservatives, and how much would come from her newer world of airy-fairy hippies?  I read through all of the comments and noted there was about 50/50 of the two perspectives, which made the discussion lively, varied and interesting.

Also, as I read the comments, I found myself anxious to get involved in the conversation, because so much of it seemed like nonsense to me, and my inner zealot was dying to call belief systems out.  I did eventually post, and I'm pretty pleased with the thoughts I shared, but have found myself the rest of this evening fixating on the questions raised in the discussion.  So now you, dear readers, get to enjoy my diatribe of self-righteous thought.  Hooray!

What is sin?

Sin is generally understood to be a transgression against God's law.  This, of course presupposes the existence of a God, and that such a God has laws.  What are God's laws?  We don't get to know that, but we are expected to figure it out from old books that have gone through hundreds of translations at the hands of known oppressors.  People don't generally bother to figure that out, though, so they just trust random other people who say they know what God wants for them.

Does this God actually exist?  Again, we don't get to know that.  We're supposed to just trust that "he" does.  Which, of course, makes it seem very suspicious when we're told that this God is benevolent and likes us.  Why the wild goose chase for information that is crucial for our return to our "loving father?"  Why the mysterious absence of presence or evidence?  If I really love someone, I let them know how to get in touch with me and how to find me, and I don't set up tests and traps to see if they really want to find me.  I don't respond to them with a sense about me, I respond to them with communication they can clearly understand or by my presence.

Something is very amuck with this line of thinking.

So what is sin?  It's breaking a law you can't know that upsets someone un-upsettable that may or may not actually exist.  Basically, "sin" is nonsense.

I'll tell you what I think sin is.  I think sin is a human construct to control others through fear.  I think human beings over a long period of time found that their families and tribes worked best when people behaved in pro-social ways, and so leaders decided what behaviors were acceptable and unacceptable, and attributed this code of behavior to some unquestionable, unencounterable supernatural force, so that everyone in their tribe, family or society would stop asking questions and just behave as directed.

There's nothing innately wrong with these superstitious codes of behavior.  Survival of our species is contingent upon social structure - in order to survive, we must have social codes of behavior.  It is questionable, though, why a lie or superstition is necessary to instill social codes of behavior.

Most likely, the lies and superstition are necessary to justify the psychological impact "sin" has on human minds.  Sin makes us afraid.  Sin makes us believe that someone very powerful, whom we want to impress - God - is watching our every move and keeping a tally on our behaviors.  If we measure up to his demands - which we're told is inherently impossible - we have the privilege of being long-term friends with this powerful being.  If we don't measure up, we lose everything.  If we're sad and sorry that we don't measure up, this being may have mercy on us and let us come over for dinner anyway.  This being actually kind of sounds like an egomaniacal dick, come to think of it.

This construct of needing to please God is a scary thing to consider.  A lot is at stake.  What if I fuck it up?  Will he have mercy on me, pity me, and let me come around, or will he cut me off?  When human beings are afriad, they lose some of their power, and become controllable and psychologically malleable.  So if you're looking to control how someone thinks or behaves, it's a useful approach to scare the shit out of them.  That is what sin does.  Hooray.

Thus, sin is not only a man-made construct that scares people into submission and obedience, but a destructive one because it kills human independence of thought.  Social order is critical for our survival, but the expense of independence of thought is a much higher price to pay than is necessary.

Whatever - sin is real!  My conscience tells me so!

I'm going to start this section with an emphatic declaration that I don't really believe that humans have a conscience either.  How do you like that?

Humans are raised by other humans who, from birth, teach the rules of social behavior.  We use religion and other superstitions to do this, along with manners and language skills.  Since a human being cannot physically survive for many years without the help of another human being, these rules of social behavior become hard-coded into our minds at a very early age.  If I want to eat and stay warm, I have to depend on this female human I call mom.  I better follow her rules, or else she may eject me and I will die.  One of her rules is that I not harm and show affection and camaraderie to this male human called my brother.  And so on.  These are obviously not conscious thoughts, but subconscious ones.  The behaviors are adopted and become natural so quickly that we call them second-nature and instinctive.  That instinct is what I think our "conscience" is.

Human beings are also hard-wired for social, tribal interaction in general.  So our minds and feelings will generally direct us in behaviors that serve the tribe we identify with, even at the expense of other tribes, because we need our tribe to survive.  Prosocial wiring is another of these natural instincts that make up our "conscience."  I don't think there is anything mystical or magical about this, and there is no divine decree that sings in our hearts to make us feel or do things that are prosocial.  I think it is biological and evolutionary.

But what about evil?  Some deeds, some people, some ideas are simply evil!

Again, I'll start this section stating my belief that there is no such thing as evil.  "Evil" is a boogeyman that we are taught to fear so that we remember to behave pro-socially.  It isn't necessary, though, because we are already hard-wired to behave pro-socially, and taught the nuances of our particular communities' pro-social rules by our tribes.

Evil actions or ideas seem to stem from poor pro-social training by a tribe.  If a community does not adequately impress upon an individual the meaningfulness and benefits that come from belonging to a cohesive social unit, an individual may decide upon becoming relatively independent that they do not need a tribe.  And so their decisions and actions are based solely on their own best interest.

Most often, in these situations, the individual has been traumatized or damaged by their tribe or some member(s) of it.  Therefore, their best interest is interpreted as inhibiting, punishing or destroying the offending tribe or member(s).  If their efforts are successful, it is tagged in their brain that such behaviors and tactics are important for their survival, and they begin forming habits of returning to those behaviors and tactics.

The majority of actions deemed evil are antisocial behaviors, and specifically ones that infringe on other people's pursuits in meeting their needs.  Therefore, no dark force has entered a person's soul or mind and is tempting them for wickedness, that person has simply either voluntarily or involuntarily become antisocial.  They have turned on their tribe,  and that offends pro-social humans.

There is no need to tie this information to God or God's Law or any other superstition.  It makes sense on its own without resorting to fear tactics.

So what, if there's no good or evil, and no sin, what's to stop us from all becoming mass-murdering rapists?

You may note that there are statistically very few mass-murdering rapists in the world.  The majority of them were exposed in childhood to long-term antisocial tribes and persons, or have chemical or neurological imbalances in their bodies.  And, you may also note, that there are statistically significant populations of athiests and agnostics that are no more antisocial in their behaviors than religious folk.  In fact, a large number of wars, hate behaviors, and other antisocial activities are directly caused by the name of God.

What stops us from becoming mass-murdering rapists is our natural craving for social participation.  I don't kill people, or generally steal or lie to them, because if I did it would affect my standing in my tribe and community.  That alone is reason enough for me to refrain from it.  I also have no personal needs that would be fulfilled by engaging in those behaviors, so they don't interest me.  When other people engage in those behaviors, I am outraged about it because it affects the climate of my tribe, and I want my tribe to be a place of security.  If my social group allows one person to destroy a human life, for example, my life suddenly becomes threatened.  I am not ok with that.

Human beings are also generally empathetic, meaning they can project themselves with imagination into another person's situation and ascertain how the other person may be feeling.  When we exercise empathy, we generally ask ourselves, "How would I like to feel what I imagine that person is feeling?"  If we do not want to feel what they are likely feeling, we sense a danger to our own well-being and happiness and demand restitution for that person.

None of this requires superstitious belief.  The vast majority of human beings either act with empathy, self-preservation, and social-preservation instincts naturally, and the majority of those who don't have them naturally are taught how to by pro-social training in their childhood.  Some people fall through the cracks, or turn to antisocial behavior because of traumatic experiences.  The trick to encouraging pro-social behavior in these people is to convince them that being part of a society or tribe is freaking awesome.  That is done by being pro-social towards them and superceding any antisocial beliefs or past traumas with fresh new experiences of beneficial social inclusion.

We, as a society, are responsible for all antisocial behavior, because we, as a society, have not convinced individuals that being pro-social is worth it.  Human beings need very little love, acceptance, forgiveness and teamwork to feel like belonging to a society kicks ass.  If they haven't experienced that, something has gone very wrong with all of us.  This isn't something we can just write off as "evil" - it's something we must actively fix to keep our magical little micro-cultures intact.  We must "sell" society to each person that enters it, so they lovingly bless it with their participation and cooperation, and also get the massive benefits in return.

This basically sounds like you're arriving at the same ends as most religious belief/teaching, so why the hostility when we're all working towards the same goal?

My hostility towards sin, evil, God and other general religious tenets is tied to the antisocial behavior of scaring the shit out of people through fear-based constructs.  I lived many years in careful fear of God and his law, and it did a great job of programming my mind for guilt, self-deprication and hate towards everyone and everything in life.  I am still working to reprogram my mind, belief systems and instincts towards hopefulness and enjoyment instead of fearfulness, competition and quiet resentment.

Religious institutions are generally antisocial because they demand submission and obedience, which is social programming that denigrates the individuals that make up the society.  "Obey God's law or he'll cut you off" is pure scariness for human beings, and scared human beings do not a happy healthy society make.  (And please note that phrasing it more kindly like "God blesses the obedient" does not remove the message that one is constantly at risk of disappointing the one mysteriously absent being who can save them.)

Also, drawing a hard, fast line between "good" and "evil" draws a hard, fast line between members of a tribe or society who are socially compatible despite their differences, but religiously segregated into holy and unholy camps.  Divisions  destroy societies; unity, empathy and compassion feed the human spirit and by extension the tribes that we naturally live in.  Fear literally makes people crazy; acceptance makes them cooperative.  Why control people when they're perfectly willing to cooperate!?!

Who are you to argue like this, when your blog talks about God and your own "superstitious" beliefs all of the time?!

This is a good question.  I doubt my superstitious beliefs all of the time - which is the only reason I'm willing to have them.  Right now I'm going through a non-superstitious period.  It's nice that my beliefs don't require that I be loyal to them, I get to question them and put them through the ringer whenever I want to.  This is likely because my beliefs are not tied to an institution, I live on a daily cafeteria-plan.  I don't serve my beliefs, they serve me.

You may be surprised to read, at this point, that I actually do believe in a God ... of sorts.  Not like any Judeo-Christian man-god, my God is abstract nothingness that has no opinion of my actions or behaviors - or anyone else's - and supports my decisionmaking with unconditional love and acceptance.  I can do anything and my God wouldn't be disillusioned with me one iota.  I generally choose to not engage in antisocial behavior not because I need God's approval (I don't and I have it anyways), but to get approval from my fellow embodied human friends and family and society.  I don't resent my fellow humans for asking me to be pro-social in my behavior, because I like living in a society.  I like having a family and a tribe.  I don't actually see any tradeoff happening, because most antisocial behavior is totally disinteresting, and prosocial behavior has massive payoffs. 

I wish everyone felt like being pro-social was win-win.  Instead we are taught - we are actually TOLD - that it is a SACRIFICE!  And so we believe that we're doing the world a favor by being nice or friendly or helpful, and that our reward will only come from God in some afterlife.  That's so stupid!  Society pays its own rewards and bountifully!  If you don't already realize it, having a loving dysfunctional family, a passionate love-hate romantic relationship, a circle of friends that make any task joyful and simultaneously make us absolutely annoyed - those things are the Kingdom of Heaven.  We don't have to be perfect for these people - they like us anyway!  And we secretly adore their flaws!  They help us, and they love us, and we get to love them because they need us as much as we need them.  We get our fun fixes, our drama fixes, our moments of terror and our moments of world-shattering love from them - that's everything folks!  There's nothing more out there to experience or have.  We get the full gamut from the people already around us.

So be pro-social.  Love your society.  Realize how obsessed you are with belonging here (because you really are totally obsessed with it, as am I), and embrace your healthy obsession instead of resenting and fearing it.  Stop giving power to oppressive ideas like sin or evil - those ideas are intended to conquer and control you.  You don't need to be conquered or controlled because you are a willing member of society.

And finally, stop attributing the problems in our society to some secret dark force.  We are the problem and we are the solution.  Feel strongly inclined towards antisocial behavior?  Get a therapist and figure out where you were wronged, what misinformation you were fed, and start looking for tribes and friends that will pay out the social trust fund that you're entitled to.  Worried about a friend or relative who exhibits antisocial tendencies?  SELL THEM ON SOCIETY.  Make them feel how amazing it is to be loved, accepted and contributing.  Help them find friends that they actually connect with and feel they get a social payout with.

And that's all, I think.

--steps off soapbox--

Spiritual Memoir #7: Return of the Glorious Goddess Sisterhood

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Card: Three of Cups

(see pics in this post from various decks)

Radiant Rider Waite deck

My Interpretations of the Card
"Time to celebrate with the girls"

I pulled this card and almost giggled with glee ... it feels like these last few posts have been kind of heavy, and I was so ready for a happier, lighter tone.  So hooray for the three of cups - I *love* this card!

In the Rider Waite image, three women raise their cups in lighthearted celebration.  The women are different: a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head, and they wear different clothes in different styles and colors.  But they're all women.  I see this as diversity and differences among peers being celebrated - enhancing and beautifying the bond, instead of dissolving into competition or judgment.  The women are surrounded by/carrying fruits too - enjoying the harvest of their lives together.

Cups, of course, symbolize the element of water, and represent emotions and spirituality.  So this isn't about the women getting together to talk, but to connect.  Three is a number representing power and completeness (as in the Holy Trinity).  There is a total bonding here that results in powerful synergy, the whole adding up to more than the parts, and spirituality being pursued in a community celebration, not in solitary silence.  Did I say yet that I love this card!?!?  :)

Deviant Moon Tarot

Check out the imagery in the Deviant Moon tarot ... a bunch of crazy misfits, that keep from sinking by partying in the sharp-toothed mouth of a giant fish.  Hee hee.  (That deck is so crazy, I love it!)  The masks are coming off, the clothes are coming off - it's almost like they know they'll either drown in the sea or get eaten by the fish, so they might as well drink and be merry in the last minutes of their lives.  

But they're not going to die - this is only the three of cups ... they still have seven more steps ahead of them.  Really, the hopelessness of their situation is a catalyst for them to take off the masks and loosen up a little bit.

In summary, I think of this card as the "Sex and the City" card.  It's only three people instead of that magical foursome, but it's about getting together with your besties and saying "to hell with our problems!  Tonight we celebrate!"

Spiritual Memoir: Three of Cups

I've always been close to my sisters.  I have five sisters (and two brothers), and I'm the baby of the family.  As I've commented in other posts (like THIS one), I was to an extent raised by my sisters.  

The Goddess Sisterhood at the opening of our store
Left to Right: Me, Liberty, Crystal - 2008
Photo credit to Cathy Allred, more info HERE

My second oldest sister, Liberty, and my fourth oldest sister, Crystal, and I opened a new age/metaphysical shop together a few years back.  We have pretty much always shared a lot of beliefs, and having this store together fused our little trio into what we call the "Goddess Sisterhood." We worked together, shared all of the same friends, read books and taught classes together - it was a wonderful time.  When we sold the store, our trio dynamic started shifting to a clique of two with one third wheel, then it would shift to two different besties with someone else as the third wheel, and so on.  

About two years ago, Crystal and I were on a roll together, with Liberty being neglected, and we decided to make a conscious effort to keep her in the loop.  It didn't take too long that we were having a girl's night every Friday - it was our weekly celebration of the Goddess Sisterhood.  We'd drink boxed wine, eat Goddess ramen noodles (with garlic, cheese, sour cream, and cayenne pepper ... mmmm), and smoke on Liberty's back porch until two or three in the morning.  Sometimes we'd do tarot or psychic readings for each other, sometimes we'd talk to our dead brother Art through a Ouija board (and other hooligans), and sometimes we'd sing and dance in the back yard.  (The across-the-street neighbor, Victoria, was so tactful in expressing to us we were being a *wee* bit too loud... hee hee ... sweet Victoria).  Often, we just watched Lib do a LOT of yard work, while Crystal sang along to Flight of the Conchords using her phone's tiny speaker.  Ahh...those were the days!  It was fun, we were connected - we were the three of cups!  In fact, to this day, I call this card the "Goddess Sisterhood" card.

Then, Crystal started nursing school and got divorced.  She had new things going on in her life, between her new friends at school and entering the dating scene.  Liberty and I were excited about the changes in Crystal's life, but found we had less and less to talk about with her, because we shared so little in common.  Then, Liberty went back to school to study philosophy, and I was just finishing my studies in economics, and, believe it or not, we had more and more to talk about since our studies were so related.  Liberty and I grew even closer ... and Crystal ever more distant.

Golden Tarot

I'm going to be totally honest for this blog's sake: I really resented Crystal for this distance.  I judged her to be backsliding into conventional worldly being, as opposed to the uber-spiritual-truth-seekers that our Goddess Sisterhood was founded on.  I was mean to her, I'd yell at her, tell her she was screwing it all up, being less than her best self, and so on.  She put up with it for a while, then gradually stopped coming around.  At times, she'd tell me to shut up and get off my high horse.  That only fueled my anger more.  

After I went out to Columbia University last fall, my anger cooled off a little bit, and I figured a long-distance friendship would be good for us.  But it only stayed constructive for a short time.  I loved judging her too much.  When I came back from Columbia at Thanksgiving and moved home after Christmas, I made sure to see her, only to ream her with how badly she was screwing up (in my opinion).

I was like the three of cups card from the Golden Tarot deck: I was the "pure" maidens, acknowledging the fools on the street (Crystal), but really mocking and shutting them out.  It was so hard not to judge Crystal because I knew that she could be what I wanted her to be.  It's easy to not pass judgment on some stranger on the street, giving them the benefit of the doubt - but with someone so close to you it changes, becomes harder, more personal.  I talk all the time about how many of us "enlightened" folk say, "I forgive Hitler.  We didn't understand what circumstances he was raised in, and maybe he was sick in the head, and that's not his fault.  I can have compassion and don't judge him," ... but in the same breath we curse the woman buying food with food stamps while she talks on her expensive iPhone!  That traitorous bitch!  My point is that it's easy to say we forgive an abstract person/concept like Hitler; I think the measure of our enlightenment is in how we respond to the little, relatively insignificant annoyances in our lives, not the major genocides of the world.

Anyway, back to my story: about two months ago, like in February or March (2012), I was studying A Course in Miracles and realized I needed to forgive Crystal for being different than how she used to be and forgive myself for being bugged about it.  Expect no changes, hope for no changes, and just see how what I was feeling was purely and cruelly destructive.  I couldn't believe how hard that was to swallow!  

One night, a few weeks ago, right after my A Course in Miracles study group, Crystal's 5 year-old had a seizure, and was taken to Primary Children's Hospital for an overnight stay.  I offered to go up with her.  While we were at the hospital the next morning, I said to her, "Crystal, I think I'm done judging you.  I'm tired of it, and I know you are.  I don't care what you do with your life, or how you live it - I just want you to be around me again.  If you talk about stuff I don't care about, I'll listen for a while then tell you when I'm sick of it.  I hope you can understand that.  Aside from that, I hope you can forgive me for being such a bitch this past year."

Crystal and Me, 2010

She smiled and said, "Ok!  Sounds good to me."  And just like that, it was over...

Since then, I just don't have any desire to judge and condemn her.  I have, in fact, done several tarot readings, for myself and other members of my family, about interceding in her life and with her family to "offer help" (read: impose our judgments on her), and every time ... every time ... the tarot has come back saying "Stay out of it.  Let her live her life.  Your only role here is to love her and be her friend."  

Last week, I went and did readings at a party Crystal was throwing.  It was a blast.  This week, I went to her house and finally just hung out with her for like six hours.  It was a blast.  None of the things that annoyed me before have changed ... but I've changed.

The Goddess Sisterhood, the three of cups, has people that are different ... they're not all the same ... and that's OK!!  We can celebrate even with our differences.  We can be united even with the diversity.  The three of cups is about forgetting that we're about to sink or be eaten by a fish, and just pull off the masks, get vulnerable and sincere, and raise a glass with people we love - without asking them to change.  It can be fun.  It's ok for life to be fun.  And we can love people and see their excellence without feeling compelled to drag it out of them.  It goes back to Jesus talking about obsessing over the mote in another's eye.  Stop it!  (I'm saying that to you and to myself!  To all of us!)

Crystal - I love you, and you are perfect in my eyes.  I also trust you with your life - follow your heart wherever it leads you, and I'll stay out of the way.  Thank you for accepting my apologies so gracefully. **raises a glass**

Spiritual Memoir #1: How I found Tarot

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Tarot Card: The Moon

Card 18 of the Major Arcana.  See pics in this post (from different decks).

My Interpretations of the Card

"Into the forbidden unknown"

Because the Moon card is in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, it represents a stage in the Hero's/Fool's Journey.  It is positioned between the Star and the Sun.  The Star represents a naked, vulnerable and trusting hopefulness, and the Sun represents a fulfillment of hope.  The Moon, between these two, represents the journey through the unknown.  But it isn't just the simple unknown, it is the forbidden unknown.  It is forbidden because there is a mystery and falseness about the moon, for it appears bright, but does not produce its own light, instead reflecting the light of sun.  Some would say that it steals the light of the sun, or falsely claims it like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The only way to find out if this is true, of course, is to experience it.  To step on that road, and taste it.

The moon can also seem undependable - some nights it shines, some days it shines; sometimes it's full, sometimes it's new (empty).  So there is an extent of chance, a gamble, with the moon.  Those who know its cycles, though, often find its shifting appearance to be magical and mystical, as opposed to a symbol of unreliability or even deviance.

Gilded Tarot 

In the Rider Waite deck's symbolism, the Moon card carries a hierarchical trilogy that is represented on many other cards, such as the Devil, the Lovers, the Hierophant or the Chariot (this is also represented in the Gilded Tarot's Moon card).  In these cards there is a balance of opposites, with a powerful, superseding force suspended above them.  The Moon card shows two identical towers, and two howling dogs on either side of a path leading from water into the mountains.  In the center above the path is the moon.  To me the Moon card looks like a balanced situation has reached its climax and that a new path must be taken - a mysterious new road where one leaves their familiar safety net behind.  The guiding force (the Moon) is not as reliable as the stars in the sky, including the sun, so before embarking on the journey the traveler must have a degree of self-confidence: if the moon disappears, and I have left my safety net behind, can I trust myself to pull through?  Will I be strong enough to follow no guidance other than my inner guidance?  Am I ready to take full ownership of my journey?

Spiritual Memoir: The Moon

I was kind of nervous about this first draw - would I know right away what to write about, or have to sit and ponder for a while for a spiritual experience that relates to whatever card I should draw?  Last night, I laid in bed, trying not to mentally scroll through all cards of the Tarot, preemptively matching up experiences from my life with each one.  I realized how big a number 78 was ... have I even had 78 spiritual experiences in my life?!?!  

This first draw, of course, will probably be the easiest for me, because I'm pulling from a full bank of experiences.  My personal story matching the Moon card popped right into mind.  It is, naturally, my story of beginning to read Tarot.

In the fall of 2007 I was working with my sisters to prepare for the opening of our metaphysical/new-age shop, and was also working full-time as a home loan processor.  I was 24 years old, and had just a year earlier renounced the Christian religion I'd been raised in (LDS/Mormon).  My sisters were on other spiritual paths, learning about Buddhism, being trained in Reiki, and reveling in crystals and angel readings, etc.  None of that stuff interested me; I mean, it was cool enough, but I had no desire to study or follow any of it.  They did instill in me a sort of superstition, though, with their obsession with the Law of Attraction.  

One day, bored at work and seeking entertainment, I looked up my horoscope online.  Then I clicked from here to there looking for a little more depth and information.  None of it really seemed like a match, or very interesting, so I just kept clicking around, from one link to another.  I got to a website that gave tarot readings, so I decided to give that a shot.  The website was http://www.facade.com/tarot (to this day this is the BEST automated tarot reading website out there!).  I asked the question "What's missing in my life?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled?"  I told it to pick a spread for me and pick a deck for me, and clicked the send button.

It came back with a one-card draw.  Today, I have no idea what deck it was from, or what card it was, but it was a black-and-white card with a picture of a scorpion on it.  I read the definition, (I have no idea what it said), and everything inside of my mind and heart became super quiet, like a vacuum - like outer space ... and my voice inside of my mind said quietly and clearly, "You need to make amends with your dad."  

My dad and I had, at that point, an adequate relationship.  I always resented that he demanded so much independence from us, so I kind of threw it back in his face and moved out when I was 17, and never really had a close conversation with him again.  We, for the most part, peacefully kept our distance from one another, and while there wasn't overt animosity, I kinda thought he was a jerk.  (More insight on this in THIS blog post.)  So this voice/reading in one way surprised me because I didn't see it coming, at all; but in another way it surprised me because it was SO right!  I could feel it suddenly, there in my heart: a longing for a closeness to my dad.  After hours and hours of searching online for something meaningful, I'd found the most powerful spiritual tool I'd ever personally experienced in my life: Tarot.

Tarot of the Cat People

So of course I immediately starting scouring the internet and reading everything I could about Tarot.  What is it?  How does it work?  What do the cards look like?  Oh, there are different kinds of decks?  I discovered the Tarot of the Cat People and decided I must have it, because I love cats!  I ordered it immediately online.  When the work day was over, I couldn't go home and do nothing - I had to get my hands on a Tarot deck, and start using it.  I drove to Barnes and Noble and got one of their generic little decks, and took it home.  My boyfriend at the time thought my passion was hilarious, and he teased me pretty relentlessly.  But I had to learn.  I had to find out how to get answers like that again.

I practiced Tarot for months: on myself, on my friends, on my cats, on anyone who would let me.  I consumed about 25 books, joined forums online, read every page of every website I could find, kept a scrupulous journal of my impressions and experiences.  The fever continued for about a year, and my love for it has never diminished.  I was reticent to do readings for money, but after several experienced friends from an online forum told me my readings were pretty damned good, I decided to go for it. ( http://www.tarotforum.net/ <-- best place to practice and learn Tarot.)

Tarot spawned my interested in archetypes, which led me to study of Jung.  It led me to studies of alchemy, astrology, numerology, druidism, animal totems and gnostic gospels.  It became a rock that I built a foundation of faith, study, and service on; allowing me to build and change my foundation as I saw fit, without impeding, requiring, commanding or taking anything.  Tarot is just there.  You make with it what you want, what you will.  

This relates to the Moon card, of course, because half of my world thought I was headed straight to the devil for taking this path.  Tarot was a mystery to them.  They thought (and some think still) that when I felt intuition using Tarot, it wasn't the light of God (sun), but the Devil's imitation of it (moon).  But I trusted, and stepped forward anyway.

The experience of discovering Tarot wasn't like the Star card, a hoping and trusting - it was a first step onto a mysterious journey where I was leaving behind my known world and seeking another.  It wasn't like the Sun card of joyous knowing and celebration - but a quest, a process, and it required me to get alone with me, to leave behind anything else I'd ever listened to in my life, and to step into the moonlit path of my inner knowing, my inner hearing.  Sometimes it's been fun and easy and delightful to just see clarity pop out of the cards, but often the reward is when the moon darkens, and I'm sitting alone on the path staring at a bunch of cards, and I have to struggle to find the meaning, I have to trust my steps in the darkness.  I find that I travel further under those circumstances that I would otherwise.  The moon is still there, even when it's new, it just isn't shining the light.  But it doesn't abandon.  It just gives us a little independence, pushes us to find our own lights.

For the record, for the past three years I have worked side by side running two businesses with my Dad.  We have become best friends. (See pics below!)

Me & Dad dancing at a business/social event in Dallas (2009)

Me & Dad at a business/social event in Washington DC (2010)

Sometimes experiments fail. And we can talk about that too.

It's been two months since I posted.  Whew, time kinda flies (but also kinda stands still).  I think about posting a lot, but generally don't for the same reason over and over ... I feel performance anxiety.  People really liked my last entry, I say to myself, what if this next one is dumb, or sounds whiny or isn't well thought-out?!?!?  And so I don't post.

I don't regret it, but it is kind of inauthentic to only post the feelings, thoughts, conclusions and impressions that I deem "worthy" of the audience.  After all, I have titled this blog a search for and experimentation with Truth - shouldn't failed experiments be included in my reporting as well as the successful ones?  I think so!  So without a long expose', I will shine a light on the past two months.

It's been really, really rough.  Not rough because I've been busy at the grindstone, but rough because I've been beating myself up about not being busy at the grindstone.  I would wake up, usually at about 1:30 in the afternoon, and think of how pathetic and inappropriate such a late hour was.  I'd not feel like going in to volunteer at the coffee shop, and feel like a withholder and feel unreliable for not doing so.  I'd sit around the house in my jammies all day, and point out to myself that I am the epitome of white trash.  Of course, just about anyone I'd talk to about this would look at me like I was crazy and say, "I don't judge you.  I don't think that about you.  I actually don't think about how early you wake up, what you do with your time, or how you dress at all...  You're fretting over nothing!"  Their comforting words would provide temporary solace, but of course, the only true acceptance we can ever feel has to come from ourselves... and I was my worst critic.

I also read a lot of fiction and watched a lot of TV.  Hooray for the Mistborn trilogy, the Hunger Games, The Three Musketeers, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Spartacus, The Walking Dead and so on.  I didn't like Inkheart that much though, and started reading Inkspell and just couldn't get past the first 80 pages because it was for too young of an audience...  This was another tool I employed:  fiction/TV mixed with some wine provided a perfect cocktail of numbness and "checking-out."  I don't regret this, but have beat myself up about it.  Of course, like with everyone else, no one else criticized me about it at all.  It was just my own self-reproach that gnawed at me.

I got better at it, but I did pendulum swing.  It became about being proud and defensive about all of it.  I LOVE that I get to sleep in and pity you because you don't!  Or I'm not so shallow as to care about how I look.  Obviously WE'RE not on the same level!  Ah, the snide nature of defensiveness.  I didn't actually say these things to anybody, but I shielded myself with the words.  Of course, no one was shooting arrows, so a shield was pointless.  All that happened was my self-criticism grew ... and became charged with anger.

I felt abandoned by God.  (In this blog post I'm going to call God "She" for the fun of mixing it up.  I have permission from God to do this.  The "God" I know has no gender.)  She wasn't fixing it.  Here I was, "giving up everything" and She wasn't doing Her part of the deal.  She's betrayed me again!

Do you know that I went through 48 hours of pure hell because I knew my bank account was short the $0.93 needed for an upcoming automatic withdrawal, and I had the $1 bill in my hand, but it was a weekend and I didn't know the PIN to my new debit card, so I couldn't deposit the $1 through the ATM?  I mean, it's pretty ridiculous in retrospect, but it sucked to live through.  I knew it was ridiculous too, but I feel trapped, bound, worried, and betrayed.  God said She'd provide for me ... why was even the simplest thing soooo haaarrdd!?!?

And finally, in the spirit of transparency, I awoke last Tuesday, and laid in bed for about 2 hours, finding comfort in the thought of death.  Death wouldn't solve my problems, I knew, but it would at least change the scenery.  For the record, I had no intention of actually seeking death, but I did start liking the idea of an "escape."

And then a cat snapped me out of it.

Well, the cat started the chain of events that did.  I was house-sitting for a friend, and needed to go feed her cat.  I'd just spent two hours in a class where I'm supposed to lead a spiritual discussion, that turned into two hours of me venting about my sense of betrayal (BTW thanks to my two special co-students for hearing me out and offering love and support!!).  After my class, I intended to walk into my friend's house, dump food in the cat bowl and walk out.  But instead, this adorable little furball named Duchess enticed me into an exchange: she'd get snuggled and loved, and I'd get someone to listen to me vent some more.  That got boring after about 30 minutes so I decided to play my friend's Game Cube while snuggling.  That got boring really fast, but the cat was simply too perfect to leave behind for the evening, so I looked at my friend's movies, and found an Abraham-Hicks lecture on video.  This is the last shot You've got, God.  I'll watch this for 10 minutes, and if I don't feel better, I'm done with You.

Four hours later (2 full DVDs of lectures), I couldn't remember how I'd even been so upset in the first place!  It was all Law of Attraction - I was focused on betrayal, so my life dished up more time and opportunities to fit into the lens of betrayal.  I was focused on justifying my anger, so I had an experience of ever-increasing anger.  And so on.  The only difference between Eeyore and everyone else in the Thousand Acre Wood is where the sad little donkey puts his attention -- his attitude -- right?  (Thanks FB friends for winning me over to the philosophical power of the Pooh stories!)  And I could believe it was real because the minute, while watching the DVD, I looked at my situation through a lens of maybe this is actually a fun experience, it started looking pretty fun.  And funny.

Then I read over the next few days Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue by Neale Donald Walsch, which is rocking my world, and helping me see that all of the negativity I was drawing from my "spirituality" was because I was kinda seeking the failure as a means to justify my anger.  I wanted to be angry.  I still do a lot of the time.  But I feel empowered to accept that there may be a better way.  Instead of seeing this life as a challenging task of overcoming the ego, Conversations with God has helped me to see it as my personal creation of a story of Ascension.  That has a better energy to it, right?  It even sounds ... (dare I say it??) ... fun!

So it's been a good week :)

It took about 3 days, but after conscious attitude shifting, and taking a little accountability for my life, and enjoying the mystery a little, and especially asking for help with an expectation of receiving it, instead of with anger for needing it, things started turning better.  I feel hopeful and even a little delighted, and the perceived entrapment has faded out.

And now I have that off of my chest.   

Christianity: A Contemporary Oxymoron

I'm not intentionally trying to post a lot of religious or controversial posts - but simply what's on my mind.  (And naturally, as I search for Truth - or as Gandhi called it "Experiment with Truth" - I cannot help but question sensitive topics.)  The Orwellian double-think that pervades much of contemporary culture is such a virulent pandemic that I sometimes cannot help but erupt into a fever.

To begin, I love Jesus.  I consider myself a follower of Jesus - even a disciple.  But I am not christian, for as far as I can tell, modern christianity has nothing to do with Jesus.  (I concede that many people are true disciples of Jesus and also call themselves "Christians" - i.e. my sister Sunny Jo -, but the institution as a whole is very, very confusing to me.)

Take, for example this picture that I saw posted on Facebook today.  It was posted by a friend of mine - a very christian friend who I know through my previous engagement with a christian religion.

In case you can't read it, it reads: Urinalysis:  Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

I cannot, for the life of me, understand how a person calls themselves a fan or follower of Jesus, and could post this.  Not because I'm a religious zealot, not because I'm holier-than-thou, but because it simply doesn't make any sense at all.

This would be like posting a picture that says:  "Beating people with clubs: because you beat me first.  Brought to you by people who love and follow Gandhi."

Jesus, was very specifically an advocate of giving away lots and lots of free stuff, especially forgiveness and compassion to the poor.  Not just the poor - but the prostitutes, the "welfare moms", the "drug addicts" of his day.  When crowds would come and get hungry, Jesus' disciples would be like "dude, we only have enough food for us - not enough for them..." and Jesus said, "Nonsense - give them your food, we'll be taken care of."  So ... today that would translate into, "I don't care what percentage of your income you pay in taxes (render to Caeser what belongs to Caeser) for drug addicts to get to eat, they are human beings and deserve to eat, so feed them.  Don't horde your money - I don't care about money, let them have it.  You have enough.  Have faith that God will continue to provide enough for you and them."  The whole parable of the Good Samaritan is about showing mercy to anyone who is downtrodden on the streets, and not judging them by their history.  Anyway, I should think the examples are replete, and I can't quote them all here.

Jesus was also a recipient of welfare and told his disciples to not worry about where they'd get their food or raiment or bed from, but to trust that God would provide it.  He commanded his disciples not even to pack an extra coat or to take money with them, but to trust that someone would give them what they needed along the way.  So for those people who don't have jobs, who don't have income, who struggle to survive, because of addictions or any other reason ... aren't they actually living the teachings of Jesus?  (Nowhere in the recorded literature about J's teachings is there any mention about avoiding drugs; in fact, he specifically states that what goes into a mouth is far less important than what comes out of the mouth.)

Matthew, chapter 6:

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

---

So I'm confused.  I don't understand what I'm missing here - as a student of Jesus' life and work, I can't corroborate the myriad spewings of hate, judgment, insensitivity, cruelty, pro-war, pro-violence, pro-torture, anti-equality, anti-aid, anti-compassion commentary I hear all over (particularly all over Facebook) from self-proclaimed christians with the man Jesus.

Jesus was the ultimate socialist.  He believed in owning nothing, living off of gifts and alms and magically-appearing food; he stopped working at the age of 30ish and just walked around and talked to people, offering free healing, free advice, free forgiveness, free everything.  He eschewed money, eschewed savings accounts, eschewed having-a-ton-of-stuff ...

I'm glad I got this out of my system - it's been confusing me for a while, and at least I can now refer to this post anytime it comes up again and not have to let it bother me.

As Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."