Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.

Spiritual Memoir #3: A Mother's Love

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider-Waite Tarot

Tarot Card: Queen of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks)


My Interpretations of the Card
"Come to me and accept my unconditional love"


The Queen of Cups sits on her throne - not a seat in a lavish castle, but a stone throne on the shore.  Queen energy is confident and powerful female (passive) energy, meaning it waits to be approached instead of actively seeking contact but when contact is made it has a lot to offer.  Cups represent emotions or the secret hidden depths within us.  The Queen of Cups, therefore, waits for us to approach and has a powerful, loving energy of connecting emotionally and revealing hidden truths.

In the Rider-Waite deck, the Queen of Cups' throne is adorned with images of cherubic mermaids.  Mermaids carry balanced land/sea energy, half land-dwelling man, half sea-dwelling fish, representing a balance between reason/perception (land) and emotion/spirituality (water).  She holds a mysterious goblet or trophy - God knows what it is she's holding ... but she looks at it and smiles.  She likes what she's holding, she admires and loves it, and if we want to know what it is and why she's so interested in it ... we must approach her.  They mystery is intentional, she's baiting us; but not maliciously - never maliciously.

Whispering Tarot

Why can't she come to us?  Why must we go to her?  It's a good question.  Is she stubborn?  Disinterested?  I like the image from the Whispering Tarot that depicts her as an actual mermaid.  She can only come so far ... she'll pop her head out of the water for us, but we need to approach her part way too.

Often when a court card (Page, Knight, Queen or King) of the tarot appears it represents a specific person in our lives - ourselves or someone we interact with.  It can also represent a general energy either male or female (active or passive) mixed with the suit: cups (emotions/relationships), pentacles (material/perception), swords (thoughts/words), or wands (passion/creativity).  In the case of the Queen of Cups, it could represent either a person I could go to when seeking emotional support, or that I am a person that offers emotional support ... or that the energy of my situation is one of seeking for someone to listen, or someone to comfort.

The shadow, or "negative" aspects of the Queen of Cups is someone who plays games with their support or love.  They only share when you jump through hoops they've set up, or they overindulge and force their coddling love upon you.  Of course, which of these aspects is pertinent to the readings is determined by the intuition of the reader.


Spiritual Memoir: Queen of Cups
In late 2011 (28 years old), probably in October or November, I was working with my Dad on the Princess Festival's premier winter show, and attending my first semester of graduate school at Columbia University (I was pursuing a Master's of Public Administration and Development Practices - basically a degree in fighting world poverty).  It was too much - I was doing too much.  I had to work to pay my rent, but the pressure of work mixed with my school schedule was overwhelming.


On top of just the general pressure of those two commitments, since we were doing the winter show for the first time, there was a degree of uncertainty and a learning curve we had to face that kept our small team at the Princess Festival overburdened.  Then, Dad decided to take a two-week trip to Kenya and Dubai to pursue "expansion opportunities" just before the show was to start.  The majority of our team were volunteers, and with the boss leaving town, and me in New York City (PF is based out of Utah), everyone was in a scramble.  I can't express in words how angry I was at my Dad.  I told him not to do the winter show, I told him not to leave the country ... and I felt like he not only pushed forward with them anyway, but then skedaddled out of the country when the pressure got hot.  In retrospect, I understand his decisions, but at the time I was very, very angry.  I was livid.  And overworked.


So I decided, since Dad and I weren't communicating so well and he was out of the country anyway, I would call my Mom.  Maybe I could talk her into getting Dad to abandon his trip and come home early to handle what I thought was a giant mess (whether or not it was is entirely debatable :).  My Mom and I have always had an interesting relationship.  I'm the youngest of 8 children -- we siblings are are very close in age, 8 kids in 10 years 7 months to the date -- and Mom always did the administrative side of Dad's entrepreneurial undertakings.  Dad went out and wheeled-and-dealed (mostly as a commercial real estate developer), and Mom did the bookkeeping and record keeping, and mundane tasks that supported him.  So, in essence, I had two working parents.  But Mom worked at home, which in a way was worse for us, because we all saw that she sat at her computer all day, and decided she just didn't care enough to make time for us.


To a large extent I was raised by my siblings.  My sister Sunny (18 mos older than me) taught me hygiene, how to use makeup, tweeze my eyebrows, make new friends, navigate a gym and use a tampon, etc.  My sister Crystal (7 years older than me) taught me what a credit score was, how to do my taxes, bought me my first cell phone, and explained sex to me, etc.  Liberty (9 years older than me) got me my first waitressing job, helped me get into Ohio State University, taught me to drive, co-signed on my first car loan, and has taught me the importance a life based on love and community, etc.  I'm 29 now, and I moved out when I was 17 ... I've lived with Crystal for about 3 years (rent-free), Sunny Jo for 3 years, and Liberty for another 3 (part of it rent-free).  Yes, I was raised by these three sisters as much as by my parents.

Deviant Moon Tarot
(LOVE THIS DECK!!!)

My parents contributed as well.  I do remember Mom teaching me how to bake bread and how to sew, and how to clean a bathroom ... but I also remember my older sister Sunny Jo between ages 8-12 repeatedly talking to Mom while Mom was at the computer, and Sunny casually throwing in how she was pregnant and doing drugs (as a test) and Mom just nodding and saying, "Uh, huh.  Ok.  That's nice dear."  Then clicking away at her computer as Sunny walked out of the room, resigned.


Let me set the record straight - my Mom is a great mom.  We knew we were her life.  We just didn't understand how much work it took to feed 10 people in a tough entrepreneurial world.  My Mom is also very introverted, so we also didn't understand that her quiet smiles were equivalent to Dad's dramatic games.


As a child and up until the date of the phone call to my Mom to complain about Dad, I had basically written her off.  When I was 18 I moved to Ohio, and after four months my Mom asked my sister why I never called her.  My sister then asked me why I never called Mom and I was baffled: the thought had never occurred to me.  I didn't know she would want a phone call, I didn't understand why it mattered.

Furthermore, my Mom is extemely LDS (Mormon).  We were all raised that way.  When I stepped out of Mormonism (age 24), it became hard for us to find a reconciliation of values.

This post isn't about venting about my parents; quite the contrary.  Here's the magic...

I called my Mom the day of my emotional explosion (Dad out of town, Princess Festival at a boiling point, me in NYC).  I went on for about 20 minutes about how she needed to step up and shut Dad down.  She gently agreed that he has his flaws, but we all do, so it's a matter of compassion ...   "No, Mom, it's time to get this under control," I insisted.  "Oh Holly, we don't control people we love them..." Mom replied.  "NO MOM, THIS ISN'T HOW I WORK.  THIS IS WHY WE ARE NOT CLOSE.  THIS IS WHY I STEPPED AWAY FROM THE LDS CHURCH.  IT'S TIME FOR REASON."

"Oh honey, I'd like to hear someday more about why you've stepped away, if you're open to sharing with me..." Mom replied honestly.

"OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" I screamed.  Then I went on an hour-long tirade (or was it two hours?) about how everything she believes is bull-shit. No, bull-SHIT.  No, BULL-SHIT.  I ripped into everything she holds dear, I had snot coming out of my nose, and my face was all puffy, and I think my roommates left the apartment because I was ANGRY.  For the first time in my life, I told my Mom everything I thought about her.  And I wouldn't let her speak.  No, every time she tried to speak I cut.her.off.  I was mean, I was dirty, and I was brutally honest.

And then, when I had nothing more to spew ... Mom said, "Suzy, your feelings and experiences are valid.  I can't argue them.  But it doesn't change that I love you.  I just love you - I can't help it."  (Or something to that effect.)  "Let's talk again soon, huh?  This has given me a lot to think about, and I can't wait until you're back in town and we can just spend some time together."

"Yeah.  Sure.  Whatever,"  I replied.  We hung up.  I went outside to smoke.

It took about 15 minutes, but I realized suddenly, in perspective, what had just happened.  I had let my mom see my ugliest self, the worst and meanest I could get, and I directed it all at her ... and she had nothing for me but Love.  It wasn't fake, shove-it-in-my-face love ... it was Love.  Love is unconditional.  And no matter how ugly I got, how mean I became, she Loved me because her Love wasn't based on my appropriateness, my kindness, my goodness ... it just Was.  Nothing could change that.  Mom Loves me.

The Queen of Cups - you go to her, and she provides depth and power that you never would have access to otherwise.  She doesn't approach you with her wisdom, love and grace, but waits until you come to her.  But when you come, she is Power, she is Grace, she is Love.  She knows who and what she is, and she sees you for what you really are, and when you challenge her she responds with the greatest power and wisdom there is: Love.  We may not understand the Queen of Cups (what the hell is that thing she's looking at!?!?) and we may write her off as weird or detached or passively submissive.  It doesn't matter.  She's there for us anyway.

My Mom is the greatest example of unconditional love I have ever experienced in my life.

I love you, Mom.

Spiritual Memoir #1: How I found Tarot

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Tarot Card: The Moon

Card 18 of the Major Arcana.  See pics in this post (from different decks).

My Interpretations of the Card

"Into the forbidden unknown"

Because the Moon card is in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, it represents a stage in the Hero's/Fool's Journey.  It is positioned between the Star and the Sun.  The Star represents a naked, vulnerable and trusting hopefulness, and the Sun represents a fulfillment of hope.  The Moon, between these two, represents the journey through the unknown.  But it isn't just the simple unknown, it is the forbidden unknown.  It is forbidden because there is a mystery and falseness about the moon, for it appears bright, but does not produce its own light, instead reflecting the light of sun.  Some would say that it steals the light of the sun, or falsely claims it like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The only way to find out if this is true, of course, is to experience it.  To step on that road, and taste it.

The moon can also seem undependable - some nights it shines, some days it shines; sometimes it's full, sometimes it's new (empty).  So there is an extent of chance, a gamble, with the moon.  Those who know its cycles, though, often find its shifting appearance to be magical and mystical, as opposed to a symbol of unreliability or even deviance.

Gilded Tarot 

In the Rider Waite deck's symbolism, the Moon card carries a hierarchical trilogy that is represented on many other cards, such as the Devil, the Lovers, the Hierophant or the Chariot (this is also represented in the Gilded Tarot's Moon card).  In these cards there is a balance of opposites, with a powerful, superseding force suspended above them.  The Moon card shows two identical towers, and two howling dogs on either side of a path leading from water into the mountains.  In the center above the path is the moon.  To me the Moon card looks like a balanced situation has reached its climax and that a new path must be taken - a mysterious new road where one leaves their familiar safety net behind.  The guiding force (the Moon) is not as reliable as the stars in the sky, including the sun, so before embarking on the journey the traveler must have a degree of self-confidence: if the moon disappears, and I have left my safety net behind, can I trust myself to pull through?  Will I be strong enough to follow no guidance other than my inner guidance?  Am I ready to take full ownership of my journey?

Spiritual Memoir: The Moon

I was kind of nervous about this first draw - would I know right away what to write about, or have to sit and ponder for a while for a spiritual experience that relates to whatever card I should draw?  Last night, I laid in bed, trying not to mentally scroll through all cards of the Tarot, preemptively matching up experiences from my life with each one.  I realized how big a number 78 was ... have I even had 78 spiritual experiences in my life?!?!  

This first draw, of course, will probably be the easiest for me, because I'm pulling from a full bank of experiences.  My personal story matching the Moon card popped right into mind.  It is, naturally, my story of beginning to read Tarot.

In the fall of 2007 I was working with my sisters to prepare for the opening of our metaphysical/new-age shop, and was also working full-time as a home loan processor.  I was 24 years old, and had just a year earlier renounced the Christian religion I'd been raised in (LDS/Mormon).  My sisters were on other spiritual paths, learning about Buddhism, being trained in Reiki, and reveling in crystals and angel readings, etc.  None of that stuff interested me; I mean, it was cool enough, but I had no desire to study or follow any of it.  They did instill in me a sort of superstition, though, with their obsession with the Law of Attraction.  

One day, bored at work and seeking entertainment, I looked up my horoscope online.  Then I clicked from here to there looking for a little more depth and information.  None of it really seemed like a match, or very interesting, so I just kept clicking around, from one link to another.  I got to a website that gave tarot readings, so I decided to give that a shot.  The website was http://www.facade.com/tarot (to this day this is the BEST automated tarot reading website out there!).  I asked the question "What's missing in my life?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled?"  I told it to pick a spread for me and pick a deck for me, and clicked the send button.

It came back with a one-card draw.  Today, I have no idea what deck it was from, or what card it was, but it was a black-and-white card with a picture of a scorpion on it.  I read the definition, (I have no idea what it said), and everything inside of my mind and heart became super quiet, like a vacuum - like outer space ... and my voice inside of my mind said quietly and clearly, "You need to make amends with your dad."  

My dad and I had, at that point, an adequate relationship.  I always resented that he demanded so much independence from us, so I kind of threw it back in his face and moved out when I was 17, and never really had a close conversation with him again.  We, for the most part, peacefully kept our distance from one another, and while there wasn't overt animosity, I kinda thought he was a jerk.  (More insight on this in THIS blog post.)  So this voice/reading in one way surprised me because I didn't see it coming, at all; but in another way it surprised me because it was SO right!  I could feel it suddenly, there in my heart: a longing for a closeness to my dad.  After hours and hours of searching online for something meaningful, I'd found the most powerful spiritual tool I'd ever personally experienced in my life: Tarot.

Tarot of the Cat People

So of course I immediately starting scouring the internet and reading everything I could about Tarot.  What is it?  How does it work?  What do the cards look like?  Oh, there are different kinds of decks?  I discovered the Tarot of the Cat People and decided I must have it, because I love cats!  I ordered it immediately online.  When the work day was over, I couldn't go home and do nothing - I had to get my hands on a Tarot deck, and start using it.  I drove to Barnes and Noble and got one of their generic little decks, and took it home.  My boyfriend at the time thought my passion was hilarious, and he teased me pretty relentlessly.  But I had to learn.  I had to find out how to get answers like that again.

I practiced Tarot for months: on myself, on my friends, on my cats, on anyone who would let me.  I consumed about 25 books, joined forums online, read every page of every website I could find, kept a scrupulous journal of my impressions and experiences.  The fever continued for about a year, and my love for it has never diminished.  I was reticent to do readings for money, but after several experienced friends from an online forum told me my readings were pretty damned good, I decided to go for it. ( http://www.tarotforum.net/ <-- best place to practice and learn Tarot.)

Tarot spawned my interested in archetypes, which led me to study of Jung.  It led me to studies of alchemy, astrology, numerology, druidism, animal totems and gnostic gospels.  It became a rock that I built a foundation of faith, study, and service on; allowing me to build and change my foundation as I saw fit, without impeding, requiring, commanding or taking anything.  Tarot is just there.  You make with it what you want, what you will.  

This relates to the Moon card, of course, because half of my world thought I was headed straight to the devil for taking this path.  Tarot was a mystery to them.  They thought (and some think still) that when I felt intuition using Tarot, it wasn't the light of God (sun), but the Devil's imitation of it (moon).  But I trusted, and stepped forward anyway.

The experience of discovering Tarot wasn't like the Star card, a hoping and trusting - it was a first step onto a mysterious journey where I was leaving behind my known world and seeking another.  It wasn't like the Sun card of joyous knowing and celebration - but a quest, a process, and it required me to get alone with me, to leave behind anything else I'd ever listened to in my life, and to step into the moonlit path of my inner knowing, my inner hearing.  Sometimes it's been fun and easy and delightful to just see clarity pop out of the cards, but often the reward is when the moon darkens, and I'm sitting alone on the path staring at a bunch of cards, and I have to struggle to find the meaning, I have to trust my steps in the darkness.  I find that I travel further under those circumstances that I would otherwise.  The moon is still there, even when it's new, it just isn't shining the light.  But it doesn't abandon.  It just gives us a little independence, pushes us to find our own lights.

For the record, for the past three years I have worked side by side running two businesses with my Dad.  We have become best friends. (See pics below!)

Me & Dad dancing at a business/social event in Dallas (2009)

Me & Dad at a business/social event in Washington DC (2010)

The Rebellion is Over - or - War is Obsolete

When I was about 12, I complained to my mom about a class or teacher or something, and she told me the following story:

When your big sister was in AP History, she struggled a lot.  And one day I walked into her room and saw that she'd hung a banner on her wall that said "WAR ON HISTORY."  Instead of complaining or giving up, she decided she'd fight to get an A in that class, and you know what?  She did.  


I, of course, was irritated by the story at first, because that is how 12 year-olds respond to parental guidance, and then after a day or so I was like, "Yeah!  I can do this!  War on *whatever it was*!"  And I'll be damned if it didn't work - because it became a standard tactic in my toolbox for overcoming things.

When I was 13 at boarding school, I employed War on History to my Algebra 2 teacher, because she made me crazy.  By the end of the class, we were best friends.  I made her love me.  I decided I would make any sacrifice - even getting F's in all other classes to make Mrs. Macintosh love me.  It worked.

I moved out belligerently when I was 17 because I was declaring War on my Parents.  I was going to show them how much I didn't need their expectations, their rules and requirements, or their love.

I would declare War on boys I was attracted to - "I will MAKE him love me."  It usually worked.

I would declare War to run faster, lose weight, eat healthy, starve-myself-for-Kenya-for-two-months, ad nauseum...

...and on and on for over a decade.  Declaring war was how I accomplished things.  It was how I decided what to go for in life.  Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't - but in general, I controlled my life because if anything else even threatened power over me, I declared war on it and worked towards overpowering it.

Something has happened to me in the past 2 years though.  Suddenly, declaring war is harder to do.  Beyond simply being exhausted by living my life on a battleground, I realized that more often than not, the things I declare war about aren't worth fighting for.  It's not worth a gigantic emotional battle to try and control your love for me.  It's not worth sleepless nights, haunting schedules, and false personas to make a business succeed - I hate business.  I hate capitalism.  Wait ... what am I doing?  What is my life all about???

---

Fast forward, to last night.  Last night, my sister Sunny Jo was doing an emotional balance treatment/exercise with me.  As we discussed in particular my weight issues, she told me that she once had a client that realized she gained weight as a way to retaliate against her health-conscious parents.  And she realized, in her 40's, that there's really no point in rebelling any more against her parents.  "The Rebellion is Over became her mantra," Sunny explained.

I thought about that.

The Rebellion is Over.

It made me think of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities, and the Reign of Terror that followed the French Revolution, as I understand it.  People were due to revolt, to declare war.  But once the aristocracy was eliminated, these people were impassioned for battle -- bloodthirsty in general -- and began finding excuses to kill more, to hunt more, and to have more war in general.  Why did they not realize The Rebellion is Over? ...

When did they stop being peasants, and become warriors?  And if we are warriors, and there is no war, what are we to do?

I think society shows us what we do - we declare war on everything.  War on Islam!  War on Homosexuals!  War on Terror!  War on Drugs!  War on Poverty!  War on Free Speech!  War on Sharing!  War on Kindness!  War on Neighbors, Family Members, Friends and anything else that we come up with!  War on War!  ... War on Peace!

How ironic that my initial exposure to this very principle was "War on History!"

So ... when is the Rebellion Over?

It's been over for a long time.  And so many of us are still out fighting windmills.

---

As I was talking to Sunny Jo, she said, "Why don't you exercise and eat well?  Why not?"  I replied, "Because I don't want to be one of 'those people.'  I don't want image, and dietary restrictions, and I'm-so-athletic, and god-you-look-great to rule my life."  Sunny responded, "So ... you're rebelling against ... 'them'?  Whoever they are? ... Holly, the Rebellion is Over."

Oh.


So I'd love to hear what you do with this thought, and I'm contemplating what I do about it.  To this day, how many of my decisions do I make because I'm FIGHTING?  When will I know peace?  I'm tired of fighting for my rights, fighting my weight, fighting traffic, fighting for freedom, fighting until the end...  When will I know peace?

Now.  The Rebellion is Over.

Fighting is obsolete.

How?  Because every battle I fought yesterday was an imaginary battle that I created to validate myself as a tough, stripling warrior.


But if I want to know peace in my life, I have to stop fighting!  It isn't a change in behavior, but a change in attitude and thinking.  When things go wrong, instead of feeling threatened or ambushed or judged, I could just smile and think, "That's interesting.  Good thing the Rebellion is Over!"  And then what happens next doesn't matter.  I'm at peace.  That's all I care about.  When I beat myself up because I'm becoming a deplorable warrior, I can just stop and say, "How appropriate - given that the Rebellion is Over..." And then I'm at peace.  What follows doesn't matter.

What an astonishing revelation!  The Rebellion is Over.


(Many thanks to SunJo, dRM, and J for being Lights in my life and encouraging/helping me lay down my weapons.)

Robin Hood may be the answer!

I have this obsession with archetypes, right? I mean, I really dig Dr. Jung and Tarot and I think life is just a big spaghetti bowl of archetypes. If you don't know what an archetype is, click here.

So a few weeks back I was doing my normal sit around and think a lot thing that I do. And I started thinking about mythological archetypes: the Cinderellas, Beauties and Beasties, Rapunzels, Wicked Witches, Damsels in Distress, all of that stuff. And I got to Robin Hood for some reason. And he disturbed me, because in his own story he's the hero, but as I thought about it more and more ... maybe he wasn't so great after all.

I mean, why would we call someone who steals from the rich and gives to the poor a hero? Stealing is stealing is stealing. "Karmic debt is going to get his ass sooner or later," I thought to myself. So, is he good or bad? Is he a worthy hero to present to our children and posterity?

There are lots of heroes that we teach our posterity about that are mediocre examples of heroism. We tell stories out of habit and then neglect to recognize the real message we're portraying. Here's an example: my dad always says to me "I hated being in the military and every day I woke up and said to myself, 'Just one more day, just one more day.'" He tells me that, thinking he's presenting himself as a hero of perserverence. But I always heard him saying he's a hero for living unhappily for the sake of getting a paycheck. Like survival is more important than happiness. I hated that message.

Another example is the "Boy Scout" archetype. Now I'm not talking about the "Boy Scouts of America." I'm talking about Cyclops vs. Wolverine. The "obedient and unquestioning child." The "valiant leader of his father's armies." He who always "does it by the book." Sometimes, those boyscout heroes are nothing worth looking up to.

So anyways, I was wondering in my little head how the story of Robin Hood managed to perpetuate itself through hundreds of years and various cultures. Why has it survived? There must be something special about a story that makes it survive that long, that makes people tell it over and over. You don't recommend movies to people that were totally pointless to you, or restaurants that offered nothing special.

I went out that day and rented Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I took it home to watch it on my laptop. And the DVD didn't work. I took it back to Blockbuster and they said, "Oops! Sorry, you'll have to pick a different movie." I've checked that Blockbuster a couple of times since and they haven't replaced it. And I haven't been motivated/driven enough to go find it somewhere else ha ha.

Then, tonight, I was at my sister Sunny Jo's house, and lo-and-behold on her end table is a VHS copy of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. She'd borrowed it from my mom. I don't have a VHS player, so I took it to my sister Crystal's house and watched it.

The movie is not very good. I don't necessarily recommend it to anyone. I remember thinking it was epic when I was a kid, and watching it many times. But as an adult I couldn't remember the storyline. Anyways, it was pretty cheesy and even silly, and I could tell they were intending to keep it fun and lighthearted, but sometimes it was a little too much.

As the movie ended, I was disappointed. I felt no closer to my answer of what makes the story so enduring. I wondered at the Peter Pan lightheartedness, but that wasn't quite it. I wondered at just how the Sheriff of Nottingham was such a bastard, and Robin stood against him. But that wasn't really any different than any other story.

The VHS rewound, and I was looking at the movie's case and read the back of it. I was surprised that there was no synopsis of the movie on the back. It said just this:

"For the good of all men, and the love of one woman, he fought to uphold justice by breaking the law."

And that was the answer I was looking for.

Robin Hood personifies the light, or positive aspects, of the "Rebel" archetype very, very perfectly.

This was interesting to me especially, because just a week or so ago, I got an archetype reading from my friend Crystal and the "rebel" card was drawn. I feel sometimes like I'm rebellious, but not that it's an important role I play in life. AND, because of that reading, I've chosen to dress up at our archetype Halloween party (tomorrow) dressed as "the rebel." The Rebel has been on my mind, and popping up in my life. It's not surprising that the story of Robin Hood just popped into my mind one day! The Rebel's been trying to get my attention!

Here's what Caroline Myss says about the Rebel:

Light Attributes: Challenges authority to effect social change. Rejects systems (spiritual, political, or otherwise) that do not serve inner needs.

Dark Attributes: Rejects legitimate authority out of anger. Rebels out of peer pressure or fashion.
- I got this from her Archetypes deck -

See, in the movie (which I don't really care if the movie is the most original version of the Robin Hood story - it's the one that our society and culture recognizes today), Robin encourages people who are accepting of their unjust fate to fight back. Robin says, "Don't accept what life has handed you, don't let the man get you down, don't buy in to the system, STEP UP!"

The role of the Rebel in humanity is to question everything. To raise the standard by pointing out the flaws of the status quo. It can be a hard and restless way to live. The Rebel is related, as archetypes go, to the Destroyer, the Seeker, and the Hero. And maybe the Altruistic Judge is his cousin.

Where would we be without the Rebels? Quietly and passively accepting the status quo.

And do we not do that? Today, in our culture, in our environment - do we not often settle for the lower and wider paths? How many of you out there have an ok job that pays the bills and brings you nominal gratification? How many of you have forfeited your dream jobs? How many of us settle for mediocre marriages and relationships because we figure it's better than having nothing?

(Now that I'm getting in to this, I think the Rebel archetype might be married to the Prostitute archetype. Yah, yah I digress...)

For those of us feeling like it's time to stand up and say no, time to stop believing what we've been raised to know, and to stop embracing that which itches, Robin Hood is a tale worth pondering. In your life, who's the Sheriff of Nottingham taking over your world while you've "checked out?" When you check back in, will you not be willing to stand up against him?

Christian Slater, for a good part of the movie is a hater of Robin and with reasons. He keeps commenting that Robin is inviting trouble, making matters worse, etc. As the Sheriff was burning down their homes in the forest, I wondered if maybe Christian Slater's character didn't have a point. I mean, if Robin had just chilled a little they could have gone on forever, living like they were, kings of the forest - right?

Not so! Eventually, if one thinks to simply hide and sneak from those who would oppress them, war will come. The true question is this: when war comes *as it inevitably will*, will I submit to my oppressors, or risk everything and stand for myself? Robin Hood, the Rebel, teaches that submission is the same as losing everything, and thus the risk of loss through opposition is actually the only option with any possibility of victory.

Now not all people need to be rebels at all times in all situations. The Rebel, like any archetype, has his place and purpose in life. But if you feel him calling to you, in your mind or deep in your soul, it may serve you and the world to consider what he has to say. Like any archetype he has his flaws and shortcomings, and he's quick to answer to the heat of anger, so watch out for that.

But the good aspect of the Rebel knows how to light the fire of anger to useful and controlled degrees. In the case of Light Rebellion, anger is truly his gift of power to you. And that's something that Zach de la Rocha says too - a line in one of Rage Against the Machine's songs that has always been beautiful to me... "your anger is a gift."

I have one final thing to say about the Rebel. He is not automatically a leader, a creator of movements or change. A call from the Rebel is not necessarily a call to lead. It is simply a call of passion and truth to break away from antiquated or hurtful ways of thinking or being. It may happen that as you heed this call others will follow, as in the case of Robin Hood. But do not mistake a desire for power as a call from the Rebel. He has no passion or desire to command others, rather, his passion and desires lie in greater truth, wealth, happiness and freedom for the village - for the Whole. He is not out to prove - only to live and allow life.

Something that I find very beautiful is that this story has survived. In what seems often to be our fuddy-duddy world, our conventional and lemming society, this story is told over and over. Inasmuch as we live in a society and culture that allows us to tell these stories, of these Dark Knights, we are graciously free to heed their call and live their passions. THAT is EXCITING!

So, let's not go shooting down the modern day Robin Hoods because they threaten to expose cracks in our foundation. Let's be conscious of what our foundations are, how we've chosen them, and let's be inspecting them regularly for antiquity or flaw.

"...fight to uphold justice, by breaking the law..."