The Butterfly Effect: A Magical Manifestation of Abundance

It's August 3, 2012, and I'm sitting at High Vibes Coffee & Crystals in Orem, UT, where I volunteer/trade working hours at the shop in exchange for meeting Reiki and Tarot clientele, and training in Reiki through Lisa Ross-Walker.  Troy Walker, the owner of the shop, and I, are having a little chat as I relieve him on his shift - something we do almost every day for 30 minutes or so.  I'm feeling deflated, tired and down.  As Troy and I are taking a look at why I feel like such crap, I start on a rampage.

Troy and Lisa

"I'm on my last pair of contact lenses, Troy, and I've been wearing them for like two months.  I finally saved up enough money to buy more, but the Optometrist won't let me renew my prescription unless I pay for a full eye exam, which I can't afford right now.

"I need to get a business license to make sure my Tarot and Reiki business is legal, and to make sure my student loan payments stay in deferment.

"I dropped my phone in the toilet the other day, and it survived until two hours later a can of soup fell out of the kitchen cupboard on it and smashed the screen.  I waited two weeks for a new screen to arrive in the mail, and as I was installing it, for some reason the LCD connector on the motherboard of my phone short-circuited and now the phone's totally ruined.  John and Cindy Hoover brought me a loaner phone until I can afford a new one, but it's the wrong technology to work with the SIM card I have.

"I gave a Reiki treatment the other day to a guy in desperate need who said he'd bring me the $55 the next day - two weeks later I still haven't heard from him."

Enter my tears, which I apologized for, and Troy insisted that I allow myself to cry as much as I needed to, even though I was "at work running the shop."  I started bawling.

"I just don't understand, Troy.  I understand how the Law of Attraction works, I'm reading the Divine Matrix and studying A Course in Miracles which confirm that by feeling positive and excited about my financial abundance I will pull it in to my space - but every time I get the money I need, the cost of what I hope to accomplish escalates.  I've been doing meditations and worksheets and grids for my root chakra, and embracing each experience as an opportunity for my situation to always be improving, but I'm reaching a breaking point where I just can't feel it any more.  I don't have a car or a phone, so it would be really challenging to even get a job if I wanted one at this point ... I mean, fuck, man, I just feel so screwed!"

After another 30 minutes of releasing my frustration, I started to feel better.  The release was good, and with a shaky resolve, I was able to step back into an energy of gratitude, hopefulness and happiness.  At around 3 PM I posted this on my Facebook page:

"In my life I'm surrounded by the nicest, most caring people on Earth, and I'm really grateful for it. Today, Troy W. Walker listened to me bawl for about an hour about how I don't understand how to live a life with passion and also make the money I need. How often does a 30 year-old chick get to bawl on her boss' shoulder? Thank you to all of my friends - I lack for nothing in that department! :) "

The next day, I came into work.  Troy handed me an envelope.  I opened it, and found inside a card and letter from him and his wife Lisa, and a $100 bill.  I grinned and thanked him profusely!  Holy crap!  A free $100 bucks in cash!!!

Two hours later, my dear friends John and Cindy Hoover pull into the parking lot.  Attached to their car is a trailer with a barely-used beautiful white-and-chrome scooter motorbike of theirs on it.  They get out of the car, and say, "Surprise!"  Cindy hands me the title to the scooter, signed over to me!!!!  "Check out your new scooter, sister!" she and John exclaim! Dudes - they loaned me a car for six months and asked nothing in return, and yesterday they GIFTED me a totally functional, barely-used scooter!!  Cindy then hands me a blank check to pay for the registration on it, and lets me know that she's prepared to take me helmet shopping on Monday if I can't find/afford a helmet in the next two days.

HOLY.

CRAP.

!!!

All I can do is talk and talk and talk and giggle and laugh and make sure every person who comes into the shop congratulates me on my new motorcycle!!  :)  :)  And take it for like 5 test-drives around the parking lot.  And insist everyone that comes into the shop takes it for a test drive.  :)

James and Sunny

I leave work, and know my brother-in-law, James, just sold his motorbike, and may have a helmet.  I go to his house on my new ride and ask him, and he offers me this crazy helmet that was squishing my chubby cheeks.  The helmet wasn't ideal, but I thanked him and said I may or may not keep it depending on what else I could find.  I head over to my other sister, Shauna's, house, show off my scooter, and ask her if she has a helmet I can have.  As I'm telling her my whole story for the day, she stops me and says, "I have a cheap AT&T phone you can use!"  She runs into her office and brings out a phone for me, that's still in the box, and lets me know I can keep it as long as I need to, until I can afford my own replacement.

"By the way," Shauna's husband Billy adds, "Your dad was trying to sell some motorcycle helmets last week at his yard sale.  He gave them to Sunny and James.  So they should have extras that maybe James didn't know about..."

I head back over to Sunny and James' house and ask them about the other helmets.  "Oh yeah," they say, "but I think they're kid-size helmets."  They pull one out of their goodwill pile, and sure enough it fits like a glove!  And it's white and matches my scooter :)  Granted, it's like 20 years old, but it doesn't squish my face, lol, so I was STOKED!!

In short, in 24 hours after my breakdown, I had purchased my business license, had a new scooter and everything I needed to safely and legally operate it, got a replacement phone, and had $90 left over to put towards my contact lenses.

Shauna and Billy

Oh yeah, and right after my breakdown, Troy, who works as a Real Estate Agent, hooked me up with a job at his brokerage as a Spanish-to-English translator for shortsell files with Spanish-speaking sellers (because no one at his brokerage speaks Spanish!).  I already was assigned to my first file, and will be making $20 an hour just to go to meetings with sellers and translate - on my own schedule of availability, totally part-time, and doing something I can totally believe in (helping people get through a sticky financial time in their lives).

Problems.All.Solved.

SO...

Liberty.  You're welcome for
this choice in pic, Lib :)

I've been thinking about it, and why the timing happened as it did.  First of all, as I was talking to my sister Liberty (who feeds me and lets me live with her for free and totally gives me anything she can in terms of financial support and assistance even though she's a single mother of 4 kids and a student, because she believes in me, which is amazing in and of itself), and we realized that when I go to anger with issues, which I usually do first, it buries sadness deep inside of me.  By crying to Troy, and actually acknowledge that I'm not just mad and frustrated, but sad, I acknowledged and released the sadness, which was likely blocking the flow of energy/abundance to me.  Once I released the sadness, I immediately manifested major abundance through the generosity of an amazing community.

Lesson 1: Playing tough and angry blocks my energy.  Releasing sadness moves my energy.

Awesome.

Next, I couldn't stop thinking about the power of the Butterfly Effect.  In this situation, a whole cascade of blessings was waiting for me, and what really set it off, what released the avalanche, was me releasing my feelings, and THEN posting with honesty about my shortcomings and needs, and also gratitude for the support I WAS ALREADY receiving from a member of my community.  One small post got John and Cindy excited (and definitely not feeling obligated) about joining in on the fun of making someone's day (as Troy had done by listening to me and giving me permission to cry).  After John and Cindy left from dropping off my scooter, this is the stuff THEY were posting on Facebook:

"When you hang with amazing people,amazing things will manifest in your life."  - John Hoover

He was posting that hanging out with ME made his life manifest amazing things for HIM when he gave ME his scooter.  Like, what??  I'M the one who benefited from having HIS amazing friendship.  He is incapable of seeing how I have been blessed any more than he has by this experience.  Cindy was texting Liberty all night, reveling in her excitement at having seen my shocked face.  Cindy felt like SHE was getting the blessing, when she gave ME her scooter.  Amazing people!

So Troy listened to me bawl, John and Cindy immediately started cleaning up and making small repairs on the scooter, Lisa bought a card and found a crisp $100 bill, and I had done NOTHING to make that happen other than be honest and grateful despite my sadness over my trials.

Lisa was so excited about HER gift, her energy and juju was SO inspiring, that as she was picking up a rental car later that day, her economy car was upgraded to a brand-new sexy red mustang!  So she raced back to the shop to show me, and lo-and-behold I had my own cool new car and we all just laughed and laughed in a big happy family about the crazy fun abundance we were manifesting.

Then, as I was sharing my joy and hopping to new tasks, my sisters were thrilled to join in on the fun, giving me a phone and helmet.  Ripples and ripples of effect, ripples that John and Cindy felt, that Troy and Lisa experienced, that my sisters were able to perpetuate, on and on...

Going for a ride on my new bike with helmet!  Yeah!

And it was all happening because of relatively simple, but heartfelt and loving gestures on everyone's part.  A listening ear, passing around used but still useful resources, words of gratitude and simple tokens of appreciation.  There was no scheming, no master plan, to make this happen, and especially not to make it happen in such crazy, perfect timing.  It was just a ripple - a huge-ass ripple that somehow flowed out to my community and came back to me.  I didn't create it, I received it; they didn't create it, they received it and passed it on and the flow will continue forever, as long as the waters of connection and community are receptive to that marvelous rippling that does nothing but bless us.

That's the Butterfly Effect.

Hopefully, this blog got you feeling excited, and feeling a little fluttering of gratitude and hopefulness.  Hopefully, my words, your reading them, and sharing the possibilities of the power of unity and generosity will pass on a ripple that will reach your life and beyond!  I think it can and will.  I believe it's your turn to also receive!

Spiritual Memoir #2: The greatest job ever handed to me

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Ace of Pentacles

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Here is a possibility to have what you seek ... but that has been stamped with what you truly need."

An ace card indicates the presentation of a possibility, and pentacles are the suit of the tarot that represent the material world: health, wealth, nature, career ... those tangible things that make up our day-to-day life.   The ace of pentacles brings a promise of new possibility outside of us, but with a quiet hint of growth in all directions.  The pentacle is a coin, a material offering, but is etched with the five-sided star; five points representing earth, air, fire, water and ether/spirit; five points for each of the five suits of the tarot (four minors, one major); five points representing the arms, legs, and head of a human body; the number five representing challenge.  The new possibility outside of us will touch and create growth in every aspect of our being, but is offered in the form of simple material gain.

In the Rider Waite symbolism, there is a path below a pentacle presented as a gift from heaven.  The path illustrates that this offering is the beginning of a process, the promise of a possibility - not just a freebie in and of itself.  In the Steampunk tarot, the ace of pentacles is the gift of a pot of gold at the beginning of the path, that shines a light into the sky of the possibilities of greater gain.  In both of these decks, the pentacle is not a little coin in the hand, but a coin so large it completely fills the hand.  A fullness, a satiation.  Another representation of this card's energy that I really like is from the Universal Fantasy tarot.  Here the pentacle is more like the balloon that lifts a ship.  It looks like a brain to me.  It is giving the passengers wider perspective of the world around them.  I feel like it sends the message of a possibility arising that if executed smartly, will open the perspective of a person to seeing the big picture of what the world has to offer them.  

Steampunk Deck

Spiritual Memoir: Ace of Pentacles

I pulled this card several hours ago, and immediately thought, "Uh-oh!"  I couldn't, for the life of me, extract from my memory a spiritual experience relating to the ace of pentacles.  So I typed and typed out possibilities, and then got a clearer picture of what this card is really about, and how it relates to me.  Here we go...

In March of 2009 I was 26 years old, with a Bachelor's in Business/Marketing, fluent in three languages, had just run my first marathon and at the peak of physical shape, had been to over 30 countries in the world ... etc, etc, ... and  felt completely unfulfilled in life.  It was all stupid - for nothing.  None of my accomplishments meant anything - it all looked cool on paper and made for great bragging rights to others, but seriously, who cared?  I had also just recently broken up with my boyfriend of two years because that relationship felt unfulfilling too.  So I got a job as a waitress at a Sport's Bar, became my sister-in-law's "personal assistant" (read: doing her laundry, hanging out with her, organizing some files for her business, etc.), and drank half a bottle of blueberry vodka with club soda every night while reading Twilight.  Yep.  That was my life.

My sister, Crystal, had recently started working with my Dad, who was taking some small charity projects he'd been doing in Kenya and working on transforming them into a full-blown, full-scale international development organization.  I'd gone to Kenya the year before to scope out some of his work, but it all seemed dumb to me (in my whoopdi-shit attitude of that era).  Crystal was my best friend, and kept inviting me to do stuff with her for the business because I was pretty much floating around in my life at that time, doing nothing much anyway.  But my relationship was still kinda rocky with my Dad, and I didn't get involved.  

Universal Fantasy Deck

When Crystal and Dad were heading out to Kenya for a month, they had just contracted a marketing company to do some stuff for them.  Since I had a degree in marketing, Dad asked if I'd work along with the contractors while he and Crys were out of town.  I agreed, only because when I met the CEO of the marketing company I immediately had a crush on him.

By the time Crystal and Dad got back. I was fully immersed in the business, and volunteered to chair the upcoming fundraiser "The Princess Festival."  I fell so deeply in love with the work we were doing, that six months after the Princess Festival ended, Dad promoted me to Executive Director (CEO) of the charity.

Working for the organization changed my life forever.  I don't have room in this post to go over it all, but it both challenged (i.e. completely traumatized) and rewarded (i.e. completely redefined) me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, materially, socially, romantically, politically ...  I almost can't remember who I was before this experience, or really who I was during it ... everything changed so quickly and so dramatically.  Everything about me reformed; everything died, but was reborn and grew, then died again but came back ... different, stronger ... better.

This is like the Ace of Pentacles.  Here, out of the blue, my sister and Dad called me up and offered me a little task in the company - like a hand from heaven reaching out and showing me a possibility of finally tasting something worthwhile in my life.  I saw the path, a little pot of gold on it in the beginning, liked it, and took a few steps forward.  I didn't ask to be a part of what they were doing, I wasn't seeking it.  It just fell out of the sky.  (And they say they didn't really feel "moved" to invite me to be a part of it.  It just came together.)

It was a possibility.  A possibility in the form of a job.  But a job that had stamped on it the pentagram, the five-fold  opportunity for growth.  I saw the job, saw the people, saw the world in need, and decided to try and believe in the possibility of a meaningful life again.  I took a step on the path, and started a very interesting journey...I was gifted a job that would stretch me in every imaginable way ... right at the moment when I'd stopped believing that a career could ever be fulfilling.

Spiritually speaking, I feel like the message is that all material things in life, everything outside of us, is stamped with the sacred five-pointed star of holistic growth.  When we are offered opportunities, or even when we seek them, to progress materially (health, wealth, career, world), it always comes with a package deal of every aspect of our being.  Of our Being.  It is impossible to have our experience be one-sided.  And that is, in my opinion, a reassurance that nothing is vain, nothing can be purely cosmetic.  That feels comforting to me.

Automatic writing: a transcript

Following is a transcript of an automatic writing session that I did around Jan 25.  I didn't write down the exact date, and I don't remember it.  But anyway...

For those unfamiliar with the term "Automatic Writing", it's a method of revelation/divination that basically entails sitting down and writing what comes to your mind.  For some people it works like a journal, and for others, it creates an avenue for communication with spirits.

In preparation for this particular session of automatic writing, I went to dRM's basement and gathered her entire collection of crystals and made a big display of them on our dining room table.  I don't actually have much of a bond with crystals, so more than anything it was the fun of performing a sort of preparatory ritual than anything else.  I made sure on the table all four elements were present: earth (crystals), air (incense), water (a little bowl of water), and fire (I got the intuition that putting a battery on the table was sufficient for fire, because we didn't have any candles).  Once again, the presence of the four elements is mostly a ritualistic, get-myself-into-the-spirit-and-mood action than a materialistically relevant one.

Finally, I put on my favorite hippie shawl and got all of my favorite pendants and strung them together on a necklace.  My seven and five year-old nieces were utterly delighted that I had my little costume and display going.  There were less enthralled with the next portion of the event - me sitting and meditating until I felt I had made contact with a Divine source of communication.

Granted, it generally only takes a few minutes, but the little girls got bored after about a minute of me sitting quietly and patiently, waiting for any words to come to my mind that didn't feel *exactly* like my own.  Automatic writing, and really any other form of spiritual communication will generally feel at first like your own imagination coming up with things to say simply to entertain you; but I have found that by asking, "What if?" I can actually get guidance that for shizzle dizzle did not come from my own ego-mind.  When I imagine in my mind that someone is talking to me, I say, "What if?  What if that were real?  I'm just going to take this silly, fake conversation as far as it will go, and let my imagination go crazy.  Maybe I'm just being silly with a vivid imagination...and if I get the feeling at the end that such is the case, I'll just throw away whatever I wrote or imagined up.  But what if it were real?  What if the random little tidbits of conversation I hear bouncing around in my mind were actually important?  I'll give it a shot, and see how I feel in my heart about it afterwards."

I've been doing intuitive work like this for about 5 years.  Sometimes it's automatic writing, sometimes it's tarot (my favorite modality for intuition and insight), and sometimes it's just straight-up psychic readings.  I don't know if what I say helps people or hurts people, and for that reason I, in 95% of cases, refuse to take any form of payment for a reading and generally avoid them.  But in cases of my friends contacting me for readings, I'll read for them and if they find it particularly useful, we all rejoice (if not, we discard the information).  It's fun.

It's most fun, though, when something really meaningful comes from it; as was the case on the Jan 25th-ish in question.  So, here's the transcript.  I found it particularly insightful, as expounded upon in THIS blog post.  So if you're wondering what "psychic readings" or "spirit guides" look and sound like, here you go.  In this post:
HS = Holly Sue
SG = Spirit Guides

--
I first started by writing down: "My intention is to know how to proceed with

• Volunteer job #1 (leaving unnamed)
• Job #2
• Else?
• Income in general

I waited for a few minutes, then felt some thoughts forming in my mind and wrote:

HS: Hey, who's there?

SG: Hi Holly.

HS: Who are you?

SG: Name doesn't matter.  Only the message matters.  I have a message for you, but first you have a question for me.

HS: Yes - thanks.  I have several questions but they can all be summed up in the question of what to do?  I mean, I know what I do here doesn't matter and blah, blah, blah; but I need an income at least and I'd like to help *person* and *person* and even *person* - but how?  What to do?  And, since you haven't jumped in yet, I'm assuming you are willing to let me dump my thoughts...?

SG: Yes...

HS: Crap, I just lost them :)  Oh, yeah - I know being forgiving and loving and present is powerful in and of itself, but I guess I want to do more.

SG: What else is there?

HS: I know the answer is "nothing," but I can't shake these other things.  Plus forgiveness won't give me an income.

SG: To start - you don't have to prove you're "right."  Half of the issue with *all three people mentioned before* is that you've said things that you're too proud to let be wrong.

HS: But they trusted me when I said I knew how to help them.  I feel a duty to not betray that trust.  

--Then I got distracted by something.  I don't know what.  But, I had prepared my tarot cards nearby and was willing to pull the symbology of tarot into the conversation....--

HS: Ok, back.

SG: Focus yourself again.

HS: Ok.  One sec.  K - ready.  I feel like pulling cards.   Coo?

SG: Always.  :)

HS: Will you help me with the symbols since I struggle to read for myself?

SG: Of course.

HS:  Ok.  For the present I see The Tower: things have fallen apart, for me and for the world and many of my loved ones as macrocosms of me.  I see each of my loved ones playing out different alternate roles of my alternate reactions.  *person* remaining a believer despite this tower crumbling beneath him/her.  *another person* has already started construction on a new Tower.  *yet another person* is just a few paces behind me, etc.

(For the record, the Tower card of the tarot represents the stage in the Hero's Journey when he realizes everything he's been working towards, sacrificing for, etc., has been for a vain and foolish pursuit.  The Tower he's built for himself is struck by lighting, literally told in the story of the Tower of Babel, and destroyed, as the Greater Powers of the Universe tell the Hero that it's time to get real about objectives and stop thinking he can, of his own ego-might and power, build himself a tower to heaven...  The pathway to heaven is through submission, gentleness, and letting go of facade, not through aggressiveness, challenge, and independence.  Anyway...)

SG: Good.  Don't build new towers.  Meditate on The Tower, on where it falls in the Fool's Journey.  Learn and accept what comes next.

(For the record, it's The Star.  Trust, vulnerability, and a total outpouring of love and forgiveness, with a supply that magically never ends.  One foot on the ground (being practical) and one foot in the water (emotional/faithful).)

HS: Am I not already doing that?

SG: You've carried some of the stones with you (from your fallen Tower) and are telling yourself you just need a little roof over your head - but it will grow insatiably, Holly.  Consider the lilies.  Be a lily.  Study the Fool's journey.

HS: That sounds like leaving *person* high and dry.

SG: Why does it sound lilke that?  If you forgive and love him/her and everyone in that space you are fulfilling both your agreement and your natural role.  Remember that Jesus never accepted an official role or position anywhere, and that Gandhi's work was always voluntary.

HS: So how do I get an income?

SG: What income did Gandhi and Jesus live on?

HS: Um, alms probably.  I don't want to live on alms.

SG: Why not?  (Hint: pride)

HS: Right, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

SG: Why would that burden them?  I/we *(the guide started referring to him/herself as plural)* never said become a beggar.  But, like with dRM's home, the car, your bike, etc., you will be provided for like the lilies of the field.  Trust that.

HS: Trust it, huh?  Trust who?  Trust what?

SG: Trust that this illusion won't allow you to fold.  Trust that you can survive and thrive without buying in to it.  Become beloved, so beloved that the gifts willingly given to you will more than meet your needs.  There is no scarcity - you'll see.  Fishes and loves, it will never run out.

HS: *person*?  *person*?  *person and person*?  (My way of asking: what about these people I care about?)

SG: ...will all be blessed by your loving self and presence.

HS: Ok, back to the cards.  Ace of cups, reversed for the present - don't re-initiate the same relationships.  Run from them.  Don't look for relationships to fulfill me.

SG: Close.  Your cup isn't what runneth over - remember, you are the best teacher when you are the best student.  Receive, joyously, graciously and abundantly - stop trying to provide.  Instead receive.  Humility, Holly.

HS: And the Knight of Swords?  (in the future position of the reading)

SG: No message there.  Not pertinent to this conversation.

HS: Really?  No future "you'll see?"  or "we'll get back to that?"  How can I trust these messages when they are cafeteria-plan?!?!

SG: Trust them if they sound true.  Knight of Swords is a dumb card.  You should remove it from all of your decks.  We don't acknowledge (i.e. notice) or ever recommend such behavior or action.

HS: What other cards?

SG: The Devil (tarot card).  Life is The Devil - unreal yet always present.  It really doesn't make any sense to us.

HS: Any more?

SG: Get back to the reading - we'll tell you as you go along.

HS: I'm not going to remove those cards from my decks.  That's weird to me, to cherry-pick cards.

SG: That's because you don't really trust us yet.  But you will.  Now - next?

HS: King of Cups, reversed (final outcome position).  Same as the Ace of Cups reversed - stop trying to take care of/provide for/teach.  Learn instead.

SG: Right.

HS: And - 4 of wands revered (another final outcome card).  No happy home/ending - meaning it doesn't end with a good income and a happy, perfect life and blah, blah, blah.  For both Jesus and Gandhi, it led them straight to messy, horrifying deaths.

SG: Correct, but painless death.  The death of the ego is always messy and horrifying; but generally not lonely.  You won't be alone - the natural path of freedom from illusion is both nasty and blissful.  But life is nasty anyway, so why not give Enlightenment a shot?

HS: Should I focus on writing?  A book, a blog?  Conversations like these?  Anything?

SG: No.  You'll build a Tower if you do.  Let it all go.  Focus only on love and forgiveness.  Great things await when you do - none of which will be financial security, fame, power, or a following.  But you will see and hear me face to face.  For now, your pride and ego are too overpowering to make such things possible; it would definitely go to your head.

HS: I'll see you?!?!  And actually hear you?!?  Can I touch you?  (Can I tell dRM if I do!?!?)

SG:  See?  Your ego is already misusing that event that hasn't even occurred yet.

HS: Bah!

SG:  Love you, Holly.  Be brave.

HS:  Thank you :)  I'm nervous, but I can do this.

SG: You already have - just remember.  And study the Hero's Journey.

HS:  Thanks, and one more thing, if I may...  will you help me better and more clearly in the future dealing with getting into precarious commitments and how to step out of them, etc.?

SG: You've been improving...

HS: I just hate the whole explaining myself process, but feel like openness and honesty are the best pro-social policies.

SG: First:

1. Don't be pro-social
2. It will diminish as people adjust to the disappearance of your ego
3. You don't owe explanations to anyone.  Tell them you're experimenting with truth and to wait for the book.  Have fun with it.

HS: Ok, I'm fading, losing focus.  Will you help me be better?

SG: Listen better.  Study more often.  Engage with us.  Believe us, we're always doing the most we can (that will still serve).

HS: Oh.  Ok, gracias.

SG:  De nada!

---

So, if you've read this far, and are wondering why I'm posting this on a blog even now, when the guidance I received stated pretty clearly that I shouldn't .. I felt ok with doing it a few weeks later.   I don't know if this is a "116-pages event" of my own forcefulness, or if it is actually useful ... but my experience is that very few people actually read this blog, and as I've read my own previous posts, I've found them to be extremely interesting and pertinent from a long-term perspective; this is a form of journaling and recording for me.  Don't like it? ... You can stop reading :)  But this is the type of shit I'm going to be posting, because this is what my life is like.  I hear spirits, I talk to them, I relay their messages as best I can ... and I make a lot of mistakes along the way.  We all do.  (Which is why the key to enlightenment is forgiveness...)  This particular instance was powerful for me, because of the other two events that followed almost immediately (within a few days) that validated verbatim everything that was stated in this reading - lots of witnesses to me.

And now I'll end.

But I do recommend that every person work on finding their own intuitive power and connection with their Divine Guidance.  Above and beyond simple prayer or whatever - notice how in this post, I'm relatively abrasive and honest - I find that if I just act honestly, or how I would truly act with someone I was bestest buddies with, and challenge Divine Guidance to whatever issues bother me...I get really kind and honest and insightful answers back  God, the Divine, or whatever you call Him/Her/It, already knows how testy and raunchy we can be.  So just be yourself, as far as you know yourself, and be honest and you too will get answers.  I can't guarantee any of us will like the answers we get (remember how this post goes over horrible death ... uh... er...), but it feels good to have open, honest communication.  

My experience is, also, that when we reach such honest connection with Divine Guidance, there will be a ripple effect, and you will be given a few more validating cues after the fact.

And of course, the first policy is to always discard and ignore anything that makes your heart and soul feel confused or nervous.  Trust your heart to guide you.  Even if you discard Truth because you misunderstand or are afraid of it, God understand cautiousness and will get your messages to you in another way that feels more secure to you.  God can't be undermined.  So just check-in with every message you hear and keep what feels uplifting and challenging ... and discard what feels icky and apologetic.

On joy and contentment, and the spirituality of unemployment

The other day I was writing a quick message to an old, dear friend of mine, just catching him up on the going-ons of my life.  I wrote something, which seemed natural at the time, but when I reviewed the note later, this statement jumped out at me as pretty interesting; I wrote:

"I have been happier in my life, but I've never felt more *at peace* in my life. It's a very interesting thing."

Apparently, it is a thematic contemplation for me, for just a few days earlier I had done a tarot reading for a friend of mine and wrote these words to her:

"True joy comes from the mundane. Remember that. *Fixes* come from the exciting and novel things in life, and usually involve a crash."

It has me wondering and thinking about the nature of the relationship between peace and happiness, joy and contentment.

I live now with my sister, 'da Renegade Mama (dRM), and her four children (and my two children...er cats).  dRM is pursuing an undergraduate degree in Philosophy, and so we discuss philosophical things together quite a bit, and even at times I read her texts to keep up.

Plato has become a favorite of ours, specifically The Republic, and the quest for justice.  What is justice, how do we achieve it?  A teacher of dRMs (Michael Minch) stated in her Political Philosophy class that "peace is the fruit of justice."  That justice, or contentment, is to be pursued as the path for a society or person to know peace.  Relating this to the Biblical thought that "by their fruits ye shall know them," I believe a society or a person may be identified for their justice and well-being as is indicated by their degree of peace.  (And, as a very unpatriotic American, I do see my country's inability to stay away from conflict, war, threats, mudslinging, and general fear as indicative of our thoughtlessness with regard to justice, and our disdain for contentment as evidenced by our non-satiation and competitiveness.  I digress...)

A common philosophical argument (Hobbes, Rousseau, Kant, etc.), too, is that joy and happiness are spikes of events but that contentment, justice, and consequently peace are the underlying core of well-being, both for a person and a society.

Relating this to my life, I have recently made a commitment to simplicity and have decided to shed the shackles of competitiveness and "keeping up with the Joneses;" I have decided to not "work" and to live off of gifts and alms, and dedicate my time and energy towards community building, support of friends and family members, and spending a lot of time doing nothing.  I keep my slate relatively clear of commitments, and am therefore free to spontaneously listen to inner promptings to take actions, or stay inactive and just think, ponder, or relax mindlessly.  I also only "work" for no pay - I have let everyone that I offer my time to know that I neither want nor expect monetary remuneration, or any form of exchange.  Thus, my aspirations and commitments are not placed in areas of greatest achievement and return-on-time-investment, but instead on following my inner guidance and personal interests.  It's an experiment.

I'm not perfect with it - I have a lot of ingrained habits that I have to fight daily, the most potent of which is heaping judgment and guilt upon myself.  "I should be doing more," "I'm lazy and a slacker," "I'm a burden on society," and so forth, constantly barrage my otherwise peaceful and contented mind.  But I'm making progress.

And instead of fighting, struggling, and as The Avarians call it "moving through the nails, the sharp glass of life" - which is flatly dismissed as unnecessary - I increasingly feel peaceful.  Not elated, not joyful, not even happy necessarily, but calm.  I no longer feel like I need to control my life, or need to fight to maintain control, or even need to work towards a certain direction, because I see that the only thing fighting against me is my own mind, my self-imposed guilt.

It may sound like I've stepped right onto the wide path of laziness and ease, which to an extent I guess is true.  But I have found a razor's edge of spiritual insight and attunement that I can follow easily if I keep my mind and intentions purely focused on releasing guilt and listening for intuition and guidance.

I do still have moments of joy and elation.  I have little sprinkles of them throughout the day, mostly when I feel noticed, acknowledged and praised.  But I'm finding that they aren't worth seeking; they aren't worth the effort, because they're fleeting, and instead of fueling more compassion and kindness in me, they leave me feeling unsatiated - hungry for more.

And finally, I have found a lot of opportunity to offer small tidbits of peace, acceptance and forgiveness to people around me who are fighting for survival.  Little opportunities, here and there, to stop and listen to people, to jump in when they're struggling, and to employ my skills and expertise towards their challenges.  

The word "vocation" comes from the Latin root vocationem which means "spiritual calling."  Would we feel the world was more just, would we experience greater contentment, and would the world be at greater peace if we chose to spend the majority of our time - if we chose our vocation - based on the calling of our spirit?

The big question that comes up, of course, is how, then, will we pay our bills?  How will we eat, clothe ourselves, and find shelter?  These are legitimately scary questions to face.  I have had three conversations/witnesses in my life that have answered this question to me:

1. Personal revelation.  My first answer came when I did a little seance and some automatic writing and got a message from Spirit Guides. I will post the revelation in my next blog.
2. About a week later, my sister out of the blue said, "You should read these two articles by Hugh Nibley that were assigned to me in class today.  They were so interesting!"  (Hugh Nibley was a renowned LDS scholar).  The articles are untitled "Work we must, but the lunch is free" (Click here for full text) and "But what kind of work?" (Click here for full text).  In short, Nibley argues that God and Jesus have commanded us to share with each other and not worry about how the bills will get paid.  Just follow the spiritual call and it will all be taken care of.
3. Just a few short days after that, The Avarians (Click here for more info) had a channeling event at a shop I volunteer at.  They spoke of following the Divine Calling, and upon following the material things we need will manifest through the power of our own creation.  It basically matches Jesus' teaching in the New Testament to consider the lilies of the field, for the rich man to drop all money and follow Him, and his command to his disciples to carry neither an extra coat or a sack of coins, and not to think beforehand of what they would say, but to just walk forward and trust.  If they did so, He promised they'd be taken care of.

So I'm experimenting with that as well.  So far it's working.  I have a free house to live in, free food, some really magnificent friends gave me a free car, and every now and then people give me gift cards for clothes, gift certificates for restaurants, and straight-up cash.  Totally unsolicited, people just hand me cash now and then.  It's only been six weeks of living like this, maybe the novelty of it will wear off, I don't know - but so far it's working.  Why not just trust it and keep going?

I don't hope or expect to have wealth and riches come from this.  I anticipate a relatively Spartan way of life.  And that's ok with me - I don't really care at this point in my life in having things, going places, experiencing grand adventures, or looking cool or put-together.  (We currently sleep 6 people to one bedroom, and I gotta admit - it's perfectly fine.  Everyone else in the world - outside of the US and other highly developed nations - sleeps together in one room, so it's actually quite normal.) 

I have certain tastes and indulgences too that may eventually go away (smoking and drinking) because they aren't exactly necessary for my survival, and may or may not be detrimental to my spiritual well-being (I'm not that worried about my physical well-being, but we'll get to that another time).  For now, I accept what is provided and use it as I see fit.  I make a point not to pray for, "call forth," or request anything coming my way.  I'm just trusting.  Letting it be.  And it's working.  

And I feel at peace.  Which is kinda a new thing for me.  I like it.

Christianity: A Contemporary Oxymoron

I'm not intentionally trying to post a lot of religious or controversial posts - but simply what's on my mind.  (And naturally, as I search for Truth - or as Gandhi called it "Experiment with Truth" - I cannot help but question sensitive topics.)  The Orwellian double-think that pervades much of contemporary culture is such a virulent pandemic that I sometimes cannot help but erupt into a fever.

To begin, I love Jesus.  I consider myself a follower of Jesus - even a disciple.  But I am not christian, for as far as I can tell, modern christianity has nothing to do with Jesus.  (I concede that many people are true disciples of Jesus and also call themselves "Christians" - i.e. my sister Sunny Jo -, but the institution as a whole is very, very confusing to me.)

Take, for example this picture that I saw posted on Facebook today.  It was posted by a friend of mine - a very christian friend who I know through my previous engagement with a christian religion.

In case you can't read it, it reads: Urinalysis:  Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

I cannot, for the life of me, understand how a person calls themselves a fan or follower of Jesus, and could post this.  Not because I'm a religious zealot, not because I'm holier-than-thou, but because it simply doesn't make any sense at all.

This would be like posting a picture that says:  "Beating people with clubs: because you beat me first.  Brought to you by people who love and follow Gandhi."

Jesus, was very specifically an advocate of giving away lots and lots of free stuff, especially forgiveness and compassion to the poor.  Not just the poor - but the prostitutes, the "welfare moms", the "drug addicts" of his day.  When crowds would come and get hungry, Jesus' disciples would be like "dude, we only have enough food for us - not enough for them..." and Jesus said, "Nonsense - give them your food, we'll be taken care of."  So ... today that would translate into, "I don't care what percentage of your income you pay in taxes (render to Caeser what belongs to Caeser) for drug addicts to get to eat, they are human beings and deserve to eat, so feed them.  Don't horde your money - I don't care about money, let them have it.  You have enough.  Have faith that God will continue to provide enough for you and them."  The whole parable of the Good Samaritan is about showing mercy to anyone who is downtrodden on the streets, and not judging them by their history.  Anyway, I should think the examples are replete, and I can't quote them all here.

Jesus was also a recipient of welfare and told his disciples to not worry about where they'd get their food or raiment or bed from, but to trust that God would provide it.  He commanded his disciples not even to pack an extra coat or to take money with them, but to trust that someone would give them what they needed along the way.  So for those people who don't have jobs, who don't have income, who struggle to survive, because of addictions or any other reason ... aren't they actually living the teachings of Jesus?  (Nowhere in the recorded literature about J's teachings is there any mention about avoiding drugs; in fact, he specifically states that what goes into a mouth is far less important than what comes out of the mouth.)

Matthew, chapter 6:

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

---

So I'm confused.  I don't understand what I'm missing here - as a student of Jesus' life and work, I can't corroborate the myriad spewings of hate, judgment, insensitivity, cruelty, pro-war, pro-violence, pro-torture, anti-equality, anti-aid, anti-compassion commentary I hear all over (particularly all over Facebook) from self-proclaimed christians with the man Jesus.

Jesus was the ultimate socialist.  He believed in owning nothing, living off of gifts and alms and magically-appearing food; he stopped working at the age of 30ish and just walked around and talked to people, offering free healing, free advice, free forgiveness, free everything.  He eschewed money, eschewed savings accounts, eschewed having-a-ton-of-stuff ...

I'm glad I got this out of my system - it's been confusing me for a while, and at least I can now refer to this post anytime it comes up again and not have to let it bother me.

As Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Back again...but not sure if I want to be...

I just read some of my old posts in this blog.  I like them.  A lot.  In fact, I like ME in them.

Which brings me to my distress in posting to this blog again - I don't want to mar some good thinking and positive energy with negativity and sadness.  But alas, I'm going to, because I think it will be good for me.

A lot has changed in the something like 3 years since I started writing.  I am, in fact, definitely "more successful" now than I was when writing before.  But I don't feel that way.  I feel lost and icky.

Incidentally, as far as my success goes, I haven't followed wealth or power or found true love - but I have found a dream and followed it, and have had some successes along the way, including a fabulous opportunity to study under the greatest minds in my field (international aid and development).  So why-oh-why the sadness?

Lots of reasons, but instead of dredging up the past, I'm just going to focus from here forward.

Life stresses me out.  For some reason, I feel like a slave to life, instead of a creator or champion.  I feel like every choice I make ties me into 1,000 commitments that I don't want to be a part of.  I burn out so easily.

On the one hand, I hear accolades that I'm "amazing" and "taking on so much."  But inside I know that I'm not doing as much as others, as much as I probably could.  So what do I do with that?

I'm curious about others, especially those I really look up to and aspire to be like.  How did they get to be that way - so driven and focused and diligent?  Were they born that way?  Is it just because they're boys and I'm a girl (yes, all of my idols/heroes are boys)?  Is it because they're so much older than me (they're all 50+, or at least were at the time of their dawning greatness)?  Is it something I can learn with discipline?  Is it something I can learn without discipline?  Is it worth it to become that, or do they have, every day, the same feelings of "not enough" and "must do more" that I do?  And that's no way to live.  ... or is it?

I think I need to be more rigorous in my spiritual practices and studies.  I know that sounds like an obvious thing to "think" I need to do, lol.  A Course in Miracles is my book, and meditation is my practice.  Maybe yoga too.

So that's why I'm writing in this blog again.  I can't just do those things, I need an outlet for them.  And now I'm living in New York City and don't really have a soul-friend that I can sit on a porch with and drink wine with and share my spirituality with.  So this blog seems like a good outlet.

To be continued...

The Goddess Eclipses the Sun

So I was doing a Tarot reading today and explaining to my querent that a LOT of women seem to be divorcing their husbands right now. Mostly because their husbands are boring, depressive or ... well ... one is psychotic in my opinion.

I've been thinking about this a whole bunch. The other day my Dad commented that I'm a total mystery to him. I said, "That makes sense. Because men are like the Sun. Either they're shining, or they're not. Women on the other hand, women are like the moon and they go through phases. One day they're shining bright, the next day their energy wanes, the next day they're like a new moon, dark and completely not open to shining for anyone. The sun is up in the daytime and down at night. But the moon wanders the day sky, then shows up at night, then you don't see her for a few days because your timing wasn't right, then she's blaring in your face, full blast."

The moon is traditionally linked to womanhood, and the sun to masculinity. In Greek mythology, the twins Apollo and Artemis were born, with Apollo, the male, given to rule the Sun, and Artemis, the daughter, given the Moon. The moon reflects the light of the sun ... when she feels like it. That would make some think she needs the light of the man, er sun, to shine. She sure does. But c'mon we're more complex than that! The Moon's visible power is in her reflection of the Sun, but her greatest power is in her invisible control of the tides on Earth. Don't forget that she too has a domain where she rules - and that her domain is totally separate from that of the Sun (man). There is absolutely no reason for a power struggle!

Ironically, the sun is the PERFECT distance from the Earth, and the moon the PERFECT distance from the Earth that when you're standing on Earth the two appear to be the same size. Exactly. Isn't that bizarre and miraculous? Can't we learn from that?

So, back to women divorcing their hubands. I've been thinking about how the sun is like men, predictable and unchanging, and how the moon is like women, in a state of constant flux and much faster movement. I've been hearing a lot over the past year about how divine female energy is reawakening on Earth after millenia of being stifled by patriarchal order. This is obvious through things like the Women's Movement, but I'd say overall the Goddess energy is becoming more apparent in all women. I have friends/sisters who earlier in their lives seemed submissive and meek, and are now stepping forward as powerhouses.

It feels to me like women are taking a moment right now in the world to eclipse the men, just like how the moon can eclipse the sun. It's like we just want to step in front of all of the men in the world for just 15 minutes (a solar eclipse after all only lasts for a few minutes) and be like, 'Dude, I'm over it! Yeah, you're bigger than me, but when everything is put into perspective in life, I'm not afraid to stand in front of you." I think that's why so many women are feeling restless in their boring or frustrating relationships.

It won't last, the moon has no intention during an eclipse of blocking out the sun. But the sun can't eclipse the moon, at it doesn't want to. A lunar eclipse is when LIFE, or the Earth, eclipses the moon, and should have nothing to do with male energy - it's more like a woman (Mother Earth) eclipsing herself (the Moon).

And so, men, just relax as we get this out of our systems. It's been building up for a while and we need to do this for our own sense of empowerment. It's natural and really not something that we care to control. It's not about getting rid of male energy, because without the sun's light, the Moon is stuck in darkness. Women like men, believe it or not. I know that I sure like them a lot, especially when they shine a light on me and I get to decide how much of it I reflect back (Sun/Moon). I don't want the male light to go out - no way Jose! I just need a little independence for a moment.

On this note, I was thinking about the whole economic crisis. I wonder, and this is just a wondering, if big banks - the good old boys - and other old powerful institutions are crumbling because they're not prepared to handle this shift in female energy. Any person or organization that isn't prepared to see a little challenge of patriarchal order won't survive these times. And that's ok. It's just the natural role of the universe to clear out rigid energy. That's what women do anyways - we like to shift things up. So if you are rigid, and don't have spring-loaded reflexes, expect some frustration with female energy over the next little while.

I have seen some men recently also who are doing just that - they're remembering that they DO have joints, and they DO have flexibility and they're mixing it up again! Yahoo! I see a lot of men, "good old boys" who are learning new things, opening up to possibilities and taking socio-emotional risks that they wouldn't dream of 10 years ago. This way, when the Goddesses in their lives swing around for an eclipse, they just lean to the left or right - and keep her on HER toes. We like that - the chase. Men are like dogs, they fight for a bone because they want to chew on the bone. When they get the bone they're happy, even if it was a handout. Women are like cats - they like the hunt. We bat the mouse around a few times, and the minute we win, we're disinterested. No chewing the bone for us! That's boring! Artemis was, after all, the great huntress.

So my hope is that we can keep our heads light and high and feel gratitude for the economic and political shakeups right now, and get excited to clear away silly old patriarchal cobwebs and enjoy those fabulous masculine energies in our lives that give us our light, and dance with our tides. No more tin men, without hearts and rigid joints! Time to LUBE UP! If you don't learn it from Dorothy, the Wicked Witch of the West (west = sunset) will drop by and get you movin! Mwahahahaha. :D

And THAT just might be a threat ... lol

The Individual in a Village

I was raised in a household where independence was the most treasured and rewarded trait. I could be smart, funny, athletic, or kind and it never held any luster unless I did it with an independent spirit.

My father was the firstborn son to a 16-year old girl. His mother, my grandma Ovard, subsequently had 3 more children. She never graduated high school, never pursued a career, and barely struggled to feed her family. At the ripe age of 18 Dad joined the Army and became the breadwinner for his mother and siblings.

Through the years he cared for Grandma, and all of his siblings at one time or another, while raising a family of 8 children. This made him tough, and fortunately he was clever as well, and made a fortune for himself. Over the years his toughness has peeled away to reveal a tender and loving man who cares deeply for the welfare of others.

But being the youngest of the 8 children in my family, I was raised in an impoverished household. And as the money began to flow into my father's life, he very much hid it from us kids. He wanted us to experience the roughness of life in the hopes that we'd toughen up like he had.

At the baffling age of 13 I was told that I'd had to earn money for any new clothes I may want, including socks and underwear. I was encouraged to buy my own deodorant and face wash. My parents spent money on me in the form of private tutors, who would come into my home and teach me French, oboe and art lessons as I wore the clothing my neighbors had handed down to my older siblings. My father would talk to local day care centers and have me work 30 hours a week in the summers as a "volunteer" while he'd pay me hourly for my work. I tutored other kids during the school year and he'd pay me hourly for that.

When I was 16, I was in college already and needed a car. I got a job working at Arby's and a job working at Uncle Sam's Army Navy Outdoor, AND I was attending school full-time. Since I didn't have a car, my mom would drive me to college, pick me up and drop me off and Arby's then pick me up later and drop me off at Uncle Sam's. It has been a consistent pattern in my life to work several jobs at a time. Later that year, my Dad told me I'd have to start paying for my own college as well.

I moved out at 17. It took me until I was 21 to get my bachelor's degree, and I did it incurring very little debt. Just working a lot. I'd live with my sisters or rent a cheap room. I learned to wait tables - a great source of income for the independent spirit.

To this day, I have this belief that I must prove my independence to the world. I struggle to ask for help from anyone that isn't a very, very close friend. I'm the girl who carries all of the groceries into the house in one load, while my hands turn purple, to prove I can do it myself, and I can do it without any waste of time.

This streak has affected many areas of my life. I struggle with fashion. I find it crippling to be identified with the trendy crowd. I've been known to keep my hair very short and sometimes shaved (at the moment it's very long though). Social situations terrify me. How do I mingle with others as I obsessively fret over my need to be independent of others? I have employees now and I find it absolutely impossible to delegate tasks to them. Etcetera. I go to a bar or club and look for ways to be "distracted" out of socializing. I proudly go to movies or dinner alone, after rejecting a friend's invitation to join them.

In my study of the Tarot, I have recently studied the Hierophant card of the Major Arcana. Pictured here is the card from the Universal Waite deck (my favorite deck at the moment).

A quick review: In the Fool's journey he meets an active male, passive male, active female, and passive female - his parents and beginning influences and introductions to life.

The next stage is to meet the Hierophant. The Hierophant is depicted as a religious leader, with two acolytes - or attendants - engaged in an initiation ceremony. The Hierophant sits above them, in his tiered crown, holding the power to accept or reject them as members of his fold.

This card represents the stage in life when one finds organizations, clubs, schools, social circles, religions, etc. that they would like to belong to. There are rules, though, and qualifications that must be met before admittance into these institutions. It lies in the hands of each of us to decide how badly we want to belong and to willingly rise to the standards. Think of young college students eagerly going through initiation into a fraternity.

Many people, in their formative years, encounter this experience of the Hierophant, and indulge in it. They work hard and get on the teams, or they buy the clothes that help them fit in. They learn the skills that get them jobs or practice the video games to *pawn* their opponents. In the culture I was raised in, in Utah, a lot of the pressure is to fit into the prominent LDS religion. Who's going to be called as a leader in the church? Who can be considered worthy, humble, penitent, knowledgeable, Christlike, etc.? Who wears clothing that is modest and decent? Who can cook and clean and care for children? All of these questions lead to the true question at hand: who meets up to the standards?

It was all often a struggle for me. I'm very competitive, by virtue of my independence, and so instead of being initiated into the societies of my youth, I challenged them all. (It's the Artemis in me.) I searched in life for things to not belong to - places where I would stand out. Independent.

Unfortunately for me, though I am an individual, I still belong to a village. I've rarely accepted that in my life. I've never embraced it unless I got to be the big leader. It was a critical stage of my development that got skipped. I jumped from Dad's rigid lessons in independence (The Emperor, card 4) straight to my personal independence (The Lovers, card 6).

As I discussed in my last post, the Lovers card is tied to the story of the Garden of Eden. When Eve partook of the fruit directly disobeying her father's orders she became responsible for her actions. For the first time in her existence, she was independent. The Lovers card shows the transition from childlike innocence, to adult independence.

In life, until we become masters of love, and masters at approaching all situations from a space of love, there is an eternal debate between the Hierophant and the Lovers. One says "follow me" (Hierophant) while the other says "make your own path" (the Lovers). Both options are appropriate in life, depending on the situation. Sometimes, enlisting a person to train us, teach us, hold us in accountability and in our excellence is a powerful option. At other times going it alone, learning through trial and error, and taking risks brings great rewards. The problem is that by nature we tend to choose a favorite. My favorite choice is the independent Lovers card. In fact, I almost never even let the Hierophant make an appearance in my life. I've completely tuned out to him.

What is the trend in your life? Do you like to belong, or do you relish your separateness? Are you a member of your village, or are the you the individual living amongst villagers? Perhaps it depends on the circumstances? Do you flip-flop between the two?

Based on my study of the Tarot, the key is to learn a balance here. There are steps to achieving this. Once the balance is achieved, you will be stable enough to look inside of yourself and take the time to discover what's making you tick the way you do. But you (and I) have to stabilize and balance our urges to either belong or stand out, before we can have enough peace to look inside. This step of balance and stability is the next card in the Major Arcana: The Chariot.

The charioteer, using no reins whatsoever, keeps his chariot moving forward, because his horses (or sphinxes) pull him as a team, completely balanced.

In my life, one horse pulled all of the weight, while the other was blindfolded and chained up. That is to say, my desire for independence has completely guided me. I've never given any power to the possibility of belonging to a village. And because of that, when one horse pulls all of the weight, the chariot runs in circles.

Do you feel in your life like you're going in circles? Take a look and think about it.

The first step to achieving the balance of the chariot is to learn to acknowledge the Lovers in you, and the Hierophant in you, in every situation. Honor both possibilities. One way to do this is to imagine Eve sitting on one of your shoulders, and the Hierophant sitting on the other. When Eve says, "Break away! You can do it alone! Go for it!" pause to hear the Hierophant say, "Maybe you should find someone to help you with this. Why re-invent the wheel?" Recognition of the possibilities is the first key.

And then, let go of your favorite. Don't be afraid of offending the Hierophants in your life. Don't be afraid of offending Eve's independent nature. Sit in between the two possibilities - sit in your chariot, keeping both horses close and ready to run and choose your path. You'll find that when you sit neutral between these possibilities, the two options will happily work together to follow your will. There is no struggle between them, though they're opposites. When you're in charge, they let you choose the path.

Look at all three of these cards again. Notice in the Hierophant card there are three people, with the Hierophant in the commander's seat. Now look at the Lovers card - there are three people, with the Angel in the commander's seat (the Angel allows Eve to make her choice, then closes the gates of the Garden behind her as she's kicked out). And the Chariot card. Who sits in command there? One man, two sphinxes - two mysterious possibilities in life. And in the Chariot card, you sit in command. I sit in command. We call the shots.

In this case it is the most empowered position to be in.

And shouldn't that satisfy my thirst for independence as much as anything? It is my belief that independence one of the weaker imitations of empowerment. It's a substitute, and a poor one.

And as I reflect on that, I wonder to myself if that's what my dad was trying to teach me all along. Yeah, I think his intention was to empower me, and I misinterpreted it. It was never about independence.

Is that true for you?