Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.

My Spiritual Life through Tarot: a memoir blog series

I've been doing some automatic writing again.  For those who don't know what that is, THIS post has an intro explaining it.  I was told today by someone I was talking to (via automatic writing - so like a Spirit Guide) that automatic writing is good for me (and for most people), because it gets me not only clearly spelling out and thinking about what's going on with me, but also kind of forces me to pause and wait to hear answers.  I think when I "pray" I usually just talk forever and then shrug my shoulders and walk away.  With automatic writing I pause with anticipation, which opens the door to actually hearing.  Anyway.  Just a tidbit to throw in :)

That's actually not the topic of this post.

In today's automatic writing session I was told by an old spirit guide friend of mine, Ganesha, to start a blog series for this blog.  I was chatting with another guide, and I literally was interrupted as I was talking about writing in general (like authoring writing), and in my mind I felt it was Ganesha and this is what I typed from him, "I’m going to step in here for a minute because I’m both your authoring mentor and your chore-busting mentor."


I swear on my life that I had no idea Ganesha was the patron saint of authors and artists.  I thought it was weird that he interceded right then, but was like, Ok - whatever.  (Because I like talking to him more than some of my other guides.  He's silly, makes me laugh.)  Out of the blue just now I was looking up some fabulous lyrics about Ganesha to include in this blog from M.C. Yogi's "Jai Ganesha" and came across the patron saint thing in my google search.

My mind is blown.

And I'm giggling because it's fun to get confirmations ...

Ok, seriously, that's the last digression for this post.  What I'm actually posting about is to announce that for the next 78-ish days I will be posting spiritual memoirs, as instructed by my homey Ganesha, but I'm going to tell the stories as inspired by the Tarot.

Here's how it works:

1. I draw a Tarot card at random
2. I'll briefly explain the card's symbolism/meaning and include a picture for you to reference.
3. Based on the symbolism on that card, I'll tell a you story about my life's spiritual journey. 
4. I'll try to keep it short.  Ganesh told me 600-1000 words, specifically.  (This post is currently at 429 words).

He said by the end of it, I would have a pretty complete history of my spiritual process.  But told in a "random" order.

Sound fun?

I think you'll enjoy it.  First, because the God of all wisdom, loved by all children, known for the blessing the homes that we live in said you would (there are some of those lyrics ... thanks MC Yogi!).  Second, because I'm a great storyteller.  :D

It may not take me the full 78 days.  There are just 78 cards in the Tarot, and it was recommended that I go through a whole deck, at least one a day, but more if I'd like.  The daily commitment actually scares me, and I'd really like to just stockpile a bunch of them all at once then take a two week break... he he he.  

Anyway, now you know what you'll be seeing!  Let the magic begin...

Sometimes experiments fail. And we can talk about that too.

It's been two months since I posted.  Whew, time kinda flies (but also kinda stands still).  I think about posting a lot, but generally don't for the same reason over and over ... I feel performance anxiety.  People really liked my last entry, I say to myself, what if this next one is dumb, or sounds whiny or isn't well thought-out?!?!?  And so I don't post.

I don't regret it, but it is kind of inauthentic to only post the feelings, thoughts, conclusions and impressions that I deem "worthy" of the audience.  After all, I have titled this blog a search for and experimentation with Truth - shouldn't failed experiments be included in my reporting as well as the successful ones?  I think so!  So without a long expose', I will shine a light on the past two months.

It's been really, really rough.  Not rough because I've been busy at the grindstone, but rough because I've been beating myself up about not being busy at the grindstone.  I would wake up, usually at about 1:30 in the afternoon, and think of how pathetic and inappropriate such a late hour was.  I'd not feel like going in to volunteer at the coffee shop, and feel like a withholder and feel unreliable for not doing so.  I'd sit around the house in my jammies all day, and point out to myself that I am the epitome of white trash.  Of course, just about anyone I'd talk to about this would look at me like I was crazy and say, "I don't judge you.  I don't think that about you.  I actually don't think about how early you wake up, what you do with your time, or how you dress at all...  You're fretting over nothing!"  Their comforting words would provide temporary solace, but of course, the only true acceptance we can ever feel has to come from ourselves... and I was my worst critic.

I also read a lot of fiction and watched a lot of TV.  Hooray for the Mistborn trilogy, the Hunger Games, The Three Musketeers, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Spartacus, The Walking Dead and so on.  I didn't like Inkheart that much though, and started reading Inkspell and just couldn't get past the first 80 pages because it was for too young of an audience...  This was another tool I employed:  fiction/TV mixed with some wine provided a perfect cocktail of numbness and "checking-out."  I don't regret this, but have beat myself up about it.  Of course, like with everyone else, no one else criticized me about it at all.  It was just my own self-reproach that gnawed at me.

I got better at it, but I did pendulum swing.  It became about being proud and defensive about all of it.  I LOVE that I get to sleep in and pity you because you don't!  Or I'm not so shallow as to care about how I look.  Obviously WE'RE not on the same level!  Ah, the snide nature of defensiveness.  I didn't actually say these things to anybody, but I shielded myself with the words.  Of course, no one was shooting arrows, so a shield was pointless.  All that happened was my self-criticism grew ... and became charged with anger.

I felt abandoned by God.  (In this blog post I'm going to call God "She" for the fun of mixing it up.  I have permission from God to do this.  The "God" I know has no gender.)  She wasn't fixing it.  Here I was, "giving up everything" and She wasn't doing Her part of the deal.  She's betrayed me again!

Do you know that I went through 48 hours of pure hell because I knew my bank account was short the $0.93 needed for an upcoming automatic withdrawal, and I had the $1 bill in my hand, but it was a weekend and I didn't know the PIN to my new debit card, so I couldn't deposit the $1 through the ATM?  I mean, it's pretty ridiculous in retrospect, but it sucked to live through.  I knew it was ridiculous too, but I feel trapped, bound, worried, and betrayed.  God said She'd provide for me ... why was even the simplest thing soooo haaarrdd!?!?

And finally, in the spirit of transparency, I awoke last Tuesday, and laid in bed for about 2 hours, finding comfort in the thought of death.  Death wouldn't solve my problems, I knew, but it would at least change the scenery.  For the record, I had no intention of actually seeking death, but I did start liking the idea of an "escape."

And then a cat snapped me out of it.

Well, the cat started the chain of events that did.  I was house-sitting for a friend, and needed to go feed her cat.  I'd just spent two hours in a class where I'm supposed to lead a spiritual discussion, that turned into two hours of me venting about my sense of betrayal (BTW thanks to my two special co-students for hearing me out and offering love and support!!).  After my class, I intended to walk into my friend's house, dump food in the cat bowl and walk out.  But instead, this adorable little furball named Duchess enticed me into an exchange: she'd get snuggled and loved, and I'd get someone to listen to me vent some more.  That got boring after about 30 minutes so I decided to play my friend's Game Cube while snuggling.  That got boring really fast, but the cat was simply too perfect to leave behind for the evening, so I looked at my friend's movies, and found an Abraham-Hicks lecture on video.  This is the last shot You've got, God.  I'll watch this for 10 minutes, and if I don't feel better, I'm done with You.

Four hours later (2 full DVDs of lectures), I couldn't remember how I'd even been so upset in the first place!  It was all Law of Attraction - I was focused on betrayal, so my life dished up more time and opportunities to fit into the lens of betrayal.  I was focused on justifying my anger, so I had an experience of ever-increasing anger.  And so on.  The only difference between Eeyore and everyone else in the Thousand Acre Wood is where the sad little donkey puts his attention -- his attitude -- right?  (Thanks FB friends for winning me over to the philosophical power of the Pooh stories!)  And I could believe it was real because the minute, while watching the DVD, I looked at my situation through a lens of maybe this is actually a fun experience, it started looking pretty fun.  And funny.

Then I read over the next few days Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue by Neale Donald Walsch, which is rocking my world, and helping me see that all of the negativity I was drawing from my "spirituality" was because I was kinda seeking the failure as a means to justify my anger.  I wanted to be angry.  I still do a lot of the time.  But I feel empowered to accept that there may be a better way.  Instead of seeing this life as a challenging task of overcoming the ego, Conversations with God has helped me to see it as my personal creation of a story of Ascension.  That has a better energy to it, right?  It even sounds ... (dare I say it??) ... fun!

So it's been a good week :)

It took about 3 days, but after conscious attitude shifting, and taking a little accountability for my life, and enjoying the mystery a little, and especially asking for help with an expectation of receiving it, instead of with anger for needing it, things started turning better.  I feel hopeful and even a little delighted, and the perceived entrapment has faded out.

And now I have that off of my chest.   

Automatic writing: a transcript

Following is a transcript of an automatic writing session that I did around Jan 25.  I didn't write down the exact date, and I don't remember it.  But anyway...

For those unfamiliar with the term "Automatic Writing", it's a method of revelation/divination that basically entails sitting down and writing what comes to your mind.  For some people it works like a journal, and for others, it creates an avenue for communication with spirits.

In preparation for this particular session of automatic writing, I went to dRM's basement and gathered her entire collection of crystals and made a big display of them on our dining room table.  I don't actually have much of a bond with crystals, so more than anything it was the fun of performing a sort of preparatory ritual than anything else.  I made sure on the table all four elements were present: earth (crystals), air (incense), water (a little bowl of water), and fire (I got the intuition that putting a battery on the table was sufficient for fire, because we didn't have any candles).  Once again, the presence of the four elements is mostly a ritualistic, get-myself-into-the-spirit-and-mood action than a materialistically relevant one.

Finally, I put on my favorite hippie shawl and got all of my favorite pendants and strung them together on a necklace.  My seven and five year-old nieces were utterly delighted that I had my little costume and display going.  There were less enthralled with the next portion of the event - me sitting and meditating until I felt I had made contact with a Divine source of communication.

Granted, it generally only takes a few minutes, but the little girls got bored after about a minute of me sitting quietly and patiently, waiting for any words to come to my mind that didn't feel *exactly* like my own.  Automatic writing, and really any other form of spiritual communication will generally feel at first like your own imagination coming up with things to say simply to entertain you; but I have found that by asking, "What if?" I can actually get guidance that for shizzle dizzle did not come from my own ego-mind.  When I imagine in my mind that someone is talking to me, I say, "What if?  What if that were real?  I'm just going to take this silly, fake conversation as far as it will go, and let my imagination go crazy.  Maybe I'm just being silly with a vivid imagination...and if I get the feeling at the end that such is the case, I'll just throw away whatever I wrote or imagined up.  But what if it were real?  What if the random little tidbits of conversation I hear bouncing around in my mind were actually important?  I'll give it a shot, and see how I feel in my heart about it afterwards."

I've been doing intuitive work like this for about 5 years.  Sometimes it's automatic writing, sometimes it's tarot (my favorite modality for intuition and insight), and sometimes it's just straight-up psychic readings.  I don't know if what I say helps people or hurts people, and for that reason I, in 95% of cases, refuse to take any form of payment for a reading and generally avoid them.  But in cases of my friends contacting me for readings, I'll read for them and if they find it particularly useful, we all rejoice (if not, we discard the information).  It's fun.

It's most fun, though, when something really meaningful comes from it; as was the case on the Jan 25th-ish in question.  So, here's the transcript.  I found it particularly insightful, as expounded upon in THIS blog post.  So if you're wondering what "psychic readings" or "spirit guides" look and sound like, here you go.  In this post:
HS = Holly Sue
SG = Spirit Guides

--
I first started by writing down: "My intention is to know how to proceed with

• Volunteer job #1 (leaving unnamed)
• Job #2
• Else?
• Income in general

I waited for a few minutes, then felt some thoughts forming in my mind and wrote:

HS: Hey, who's there?

SG: Hi Holly.

HS: Who are you?

SG: Name doesn't matter.  Only the message matters.  I have a message for you, but first you have a question for me.

HS: Yes - thanks.  I have several questions but they can all be summed up in the question of what to do?  I mean, I know what I do here doesn't matter and blah, blah, blah; but I need an income at least and I'd like to help *person* and *person* and even *person* - but how?  What to do?  And, since you haven't jumped in yet, I'm assuming you are willing to let me dump my thoughts...?

SG: Yes...

HS: Crap, I just lost them :)  Oh, yeah - I know being forgiving and loving and present is powerful in and of itself, but I guess I want to do more.

SG: What else is there?

HS: I know the answer is "nothing," but I can't shake these other things.  Plus forgiveness won't give me an income.

SG: To start - you don't have to prove you're "right."  Half of the issue with *all three people mentioned before* is that you've said things that you're too proud to let be wrong.

HS: But they trusted me when I said I knew how to help them.  I feel a duty to not betray that trust.  

--Then I got distracted by something.  I don't know what.  But, I had prepared my tarot cards nearby and was willing to pull the symbology of tarot into the conversation....--

HS: Ok, back.

SG: Focus yourself again.

HS: Ok.  One sec.  K - ready.  I feel like pulling cards.   Coo?

SG: Always.  :)

HS: Will you help me with the symbols since I struggle to read for myself?

SG: Of course.

HS:  Ok.  For the present I see The Tower: things have fallen apart, for me and for the world and many of my loved ones as macrocosms of me.  I see each of my loved ones playing out different alternate roles of my alternate reactions.  *person* remaining a believer despite this tower crumbling beneath him/her.  *another person* has already started construction on a new Tower.  *yet another person* is just a few paces behind me, etc.

(For the record, the Tower card of the tarot represents the stage in the Hero's Journey when he realizes everything he's been working towards, sacrificing for, etc., has been for a vain and foolish pursuit.  The Tower he's built for himself is struck by lighting, literally told in the story of the Tower of Babel, and destroyed, as the Greater Powers of the Universe tell the Hero that it's time to get real about objectives and stop thinking he can, of his own ego-might and power, build himself a tower to heaven...  The pathway to heaven is through submission, gentleness, and letting go of facade, not through aggressiveness, challenge, and independence.  Anyway...)

SG: Good.  Don't build new towers.  Meditate on The Tower, on where it falls in the Fool's Journey.  Learn and accept what comes next.

(For the record, it's The Star.  Trust, vulnerability, and a total outpouring of love and forgiveness, with a supply that magically never ends.  One foot on the ground (being practical) and one foot in the water (emotional/faithful).)

HS: Am I not already doing that?

SG: You've carried some of the stones with you (from your fallen Tower) and are telling yourself you just need a little roof over your head - but it will grow insatiably, Holly.  Consider the lilies.  Be a lily.  Study the Fool's journey.

HS: That sounds like leaving *person* high and dry.

SG: Why does it sound lilke that?  If you forgive and love him/her and everyone in that space you are fulfilling both your agreement and your natural role.  Remember that Jesus never accepted an official role or position anywhere, and that Gandhi's work was always voluntary.

HS: So how do I get an income?

SG: What income did Gandhi and Jesus live on?

HS: Um, alms probably.  I don't want to live on alms.

SG: Why not?  (Hint: pride)

HS: Right, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

SG: Why would that burden them?  I/we *(the guide started referring to him/herself as plural)* never said become a beggar.  But, like with dRM's home, the car, your bike, etc., you will be provided for like the lilies of the field.  Trust that.

HS: Trust it, huh?  Trust who?  Trust what?

SG: Trust that this illusion won't allow you to fold.  Trust that you can survive and thrive without buying in to it.  Become beloved, so beloved that the gifts willingly given to you will more than meet your needs.  There is no scarcity - you'll see.  Fishes and loves, it will never run out.

HS: *person*?  *person*?  *person and person*?  (My way of asking: what about these people I care about?)

SG: ...will all be blessed by your loving self and presence.

HS: Ok, back to the cards.  Ace of cups, reversed for the present - don't re-initiate the same relationships.  Run from them.  Don't look for relationships to fulfill me.

SG: Close.  Your cup isn't what runneth over - remember, you are the best teacher when you are the best student.  Receive, joyously, graciously and abundantly - stop trying to provide.  Instead receive.  Humility, Holly.

HS: And the Knight of Swords?  (in the future position of the reading)

SG: No message there.  Not pertinent to this conversation.

HS: Really?  No future "you'll see?"  or "we'll get back to that?"  How can I trust these messages when they are cafeteria-plan?!?!

SG: Trust them if they sound true.  Knight of Swords is a dumb card.  You should remove it from all of your decks.  We don't acknowledge (i.e. notice) or ever recommend such behavior or action.

HS: What other cards?

SG: The Devil (tarot card).  Life is The Devil - unreal yet always present.  It really doesn't make any sense to us.

HS: Any more?

SG: Get back to the reading - we'll tell you as you go along.

HS: I'm not going to remove those cards from my decks.  That's weird to me, to cherry-pick cards.

SG: That's because you don't really trust us yet.  But you will.  Now - next?

HS: King of Cups, reversed (final outcome position).  Same as the Ace of Cups reversed - stop trying to take care of/provide for/teach.  Learn instead.

SG: Right.

HS: And - 4 of wands revered (another final outcome card).  No happy home/ending - meaning it doesn't end with a good income and a happy, perfect life and blah, blah, blah.  For both Jesus and Gandhi, it led them straight to messy, horrifying deaths.

SG: Correct, but painless death.  The death of the ego is always messy and horrifying; but generally not lonely.  You won't be alone - the natural path of freedom from illusion is both nasty and blissful.  But life is nasty anyway, so why not give Enlightenment a shot?

HS: Should I focus on writing?  A book, a blog?  Conversations like these?  Anything?

SG: No.  You'll build a Tower if you do.  Let it all go.  Focus only on love and forgiveness.  Great things await when you do - none of which will be financial security, fame, power, or a following.  But you will see and hear me face to face.  For now, your pride and ego are too overpowering to make such things possible; it would definitely go to your head.

HS: I'll see you?!?!  And actually hear you?!?  Can I touch you?  (Can I tell dRM if I do!?!?)

SG:  See?  Your ego is already misusing that event that hasn't even occurred yet.

HS: Bah!

SG:  Love you, Holly.  Be brave.

HS:  Thank you :)  I'm nervous, but I can do this.

SG: You already have - just remember.  And study the Hero's Journey.

HS:  Thanks, and one more thing, if I may...  will you help me better and more clearly in the future dealing with getting into precarious commitments and how to step out of them, etc.?

SG: You've been improving...

HS: I just hate the whole explaining myself process, but feel like openness and honesty are the best pro-social policies.

SG: First:

1. Don't be pro-social
2. It will diminish as people adjust to the disappearance of your ego
3. You don't owe explanations to anyone.  Tell them you're experimenting with truth and to wait for the book.  Have fun with it.

HS: Ok, I'm fading, losing focus.  Will you help me be better?

SG: Listen better.  Study more often.  Engage with us.  Believe us, we're always doing the most we can (that will still serve).

HS: Oh.  Ok, gracias.

SG:  De nada!

---

So, if you've read this far, and are wondering why I'm posting this on a blog even now, when the guidance I received stated pretty clearly that I shouldn't .. I felt ok with doing it a few weeks later.   I don't know if this is a "116-pages event" of my own forcefulness, or if it is actually useful ... but my experience is that very few people actually read this blog, and as I've read my own previous posts, I've found them to be extremely interesting and pertinent from a long-term perspective; this is a form of journaling and recording for me.  Don't like it? ... You can stop reading :)  But this is the type of shit I'm going to be posting, because this is what my life is like.  I hear spirits, I talk to them, I relay their messages as best I can ... and I make a lot of mistakes along the way.  We all do.  (Which is why the key to enlightenment is forgiveness...)  This particular instance was powerful for me, because of the other two events that followed almost immediately (within a few days) that validated verbatim everything that was stated in this reading - lots of witnesses to me.

And now I'll end.

But I do recommend that every person work on finding their own intuitive power and connection with their Divine Guidance.  Above and beyond simple prayer or whatever - notice how in this post, I'm relatively abrasive and honest - I find that if I just act honestly, or how I would truly act with someone I was bestest buddies with, and challenge Divine Guidance to whatever issues bother me...I get really kind and honest and insightful answers back  God, the Divine, or whatever you call Him/Her/It, already knows how testy and raunchy we can be.  So just be yourself, as far as you know yourself, and be honest and you too will get answers.  I can't guarantee any of us will like the answers we get (remember how this post goes over horrible death ... uh... er...), but it feels good to have open, honest communication.  

My experience is, also, that when we reach such honest connection with Divine Guidance, there will be a ripple effect, and you will be given a few more validating cues after the fact.

And of course, the first policy is to always discard and ignore anything that makes your heart and soul feel confused or nervous.  Trust your heart to guide you.  Even if you discard Truth because you misunderstand or are afraid of it, God understand cautiousness and will get your messages to you in another way that feels more secure to you.  God can't be undermined.  So just check-in with every message you hear and keep what feels uplifting and challenging ... and discard what feels icky and apologetic.