The Individual in a Village

I was raised in a household where independence was the most treasured and rewarded trait. I could be smart, funny, athletic, or kind and it never held any luster unless I did it with an independent spirit.

My father was the firstborn son to a 16-year old girl. His mother, my grandma Ovard, subsequently had 3 more children. She never graduated high school, never pursued a career, and barely struggled to feed her family. At the ripe age of 18 Dad joined the Army and became the breadwinner for his mother and siblings.

Through the years he cared for Grandma, and all of his siblings at one time or another, while raising a family of 8 children. This made him tough, and fortunately he was clever as well, and made a fortune for himself. Over the years his toughness has peeled away to reveal a tender and loving man who cares deeply for the welfare of others.

But being the youngest of the 8 children in my family, I was raised in an impoverished household. And as the money began to flow into my father's life, he very much hid it from us kids. He wanted us to experience the roughness of life in the hopes that we'd toughen up like he had.

At the baffling age of 13 I was told that I'd had to earn money for any new clothes I may want, including socks and underwear. I was encouraged to buy my own deodorant and face wash. My parents spent money on me in the form of private tutors, who would come into my home and teach me French, oboe and art lessons as I wore the clothing my neighbors had handed down to my older siblings. My father would talk to local day care centers and have me work 30 hours a week in the summers as a "volunteer" while he'd pay me hourly for my work. I tutored other kids during the school year and he'd pay me hourly for that.

When I was 16, I was in college already and needed a car. I got a job working at Arby's and a job working at Uncle Sam's Army Navy Outdoor, AND I was attending school full-time. Since I didn't have a car, my mom would drive me to college, pick me up and drop me off and Arby's then pick me up later and drop me off at Uncle Sam's. It has been a consistent pattern in my life to work several jobs at a time. Later that year, my Dad told me I'd have to start paying for my own college as well.

I moved out at 17. It took me until I was 21 to get my bachelor's degree, and I did it incurring very little debt. Just working a lot. I'd live with my sisters or rent a cheap room. I learned to wait tables - a great source of income for the independent spirit.

To this day, I have this belief that I must prove my independence to the world. I struggle to ask for help from anyone that isn't a very, very close friend. I'm the girl who carries all of the groceries into the house in one load, while my hands turn purple, to prove I can do it myself, and I can do it without any waste of time.

This streak has affected many areas of my life. I struggle with fashion. I find it crippling to be identified with the trendy crowd. I've been known to keep my hair very short and sometimes shaved (at the moment it's very long though). Social situations terrify me. How do I mingle with others as I obsessively fret over my need to be independent of others? I have employees now and I find it absolutely impossible to delegate tasks to them. Etcetera. I go to a bar or club and look for ways to be "distracted" out of socializing. I proudly go to movies or dinner alone, after rejecting a friend's invitation to join them.

In my study of the Tarot, I have recently studied the Hierophant card of the Major Arcana. Pictured here is the card from the Universal Waite deck (my favorite deck at the moment).

A quick review: In the Fool's journey he meets an active male, passive male, active female, and passive female - his parents and beginning influences and introductions to life.

The next stage is to meet the Hierophant. The Hierophant is depicted as a religious leader, with two acolytes - or attendants - engaged in an initiation ceremony. The Hierophant sits above them, in his tiered crown, holding the power to accept or reject them as members of his fold.

This card represents the stage in life when one finds organizations, clubs, schools, social circles, religions, etc. that they would like to belong to. There are rules, though, and qualifications that must be met before admittance into these institutions. It lies in the hands of each of us to decide how badly we want to belong and to willingly rise to the standards. Think of young college students eagerly going through initiation into a fraternity.

Many people, in their formative years, encounter this experience of the Hierophant, and indulge in it. They work hard and get on the teams, or they buy the clothes that help them fit in. They learn the skills that get them jobs or practice the video games to *pawn* their opponents. In the culture I was raised in, in Utah, a lot of the pressure is to fit into the prominent LDS religion. Who's going to be called as a leader in the church? Who can be considered worthy, humble, penitent, knowledgeable, Christlike, etc.? Who wears clothing that is modest and decent? Who can cook and clean and care for children? All of these questions lead to the true question at hand: who meets up to the standards?

It was all often a struggle for me. I'm very competitive, by virtue of my independence, and so instead of being initiated into the societies of my youth, I challenged them all. (It's the Artemis in me.) I searched in life for things to not belong to - places where I would stand out. Independent.

Unfortunately for me, though I am an individual, I still belong to a village. I've rarely accepted that in my life. I've never embraced it unless I got to be the big leader. It was a critical stage of my development that got skipped. I jumped from Dad's rigid lessons in independence (The Emperor, card 4) straight to my personal independence (The Lovers, card 6).

As I discussed in my last post, the Lovers card is tied to the story of the Garden of Eden. When Eve partook of the fruit directly disobeying her father's orders she became responsible for her actions. For the first time in her existence, she was independent. The Lovers card shows the transition from childlike innocence, to adult independence.

In life, until we become masters of love, and masters at approaching all situations from a space of love, there is an eternal debate between the Hierophant and the Lovers. One says "follow me" (Hierophant) while the other says "make your own path" (the Lovers). Both options are appropriate in life, depending on the situation. Sometimes, enlisting a person to train us, teach us, hold us in accountability and in our excellence is a powerful option. At other times going it alone, learning through trial and error, and taking risks brings great rewards. The problem is that by nature we tend to choose a favorite. My favorite choice is the independent Lovers card. In fact, I almost never even let the Hierophant make an appearance in my life. I've completely tuned out to him.

What is the trend in your life? Do you like to belong, or do you relish your separateness? Are you a member of your village, or are the you the individual living amongst villagers? Perhaps it depends on the circumstances? Do you flip-flop between the two?

Based on my study of the Tarot, the key is to learn a balance here. There are steps to achieving this. Once the balance is achieved, you will be stable enough to look inside of yourself and take the time to discover what's making you tick the way you do. But you (and I) have to stabilize and balance our urges to either belong or stand out, before we can have enough peace to look inside. This step of balance and stability is the next card in the Major Arcana: The Chariot.

The charioteer, using no reins whatsoever, keeps his chariot moving forward, because his horses (or sphinxes) pull him as a team, completely balanced.

In my life, one horse pulled all of the weight, while the other was blindfolded and chained up. That is to say, my desire for independence has completely guided me. I've never given any power to the possibility of belonging to a village. And because of that, when one horse pulls all of the weight, the chariot runs in circles.

Do you feel in your life like you're going in circles? Take a look and think about it.

The first step to achieving the balance of the chariot is to learn to acknowledge the Lovers in you, and the Hierophant in you, in every situation. Honor both possibilities. One way to do this is to imagine Eve sitting on one of your shoulders, and the Hierophant sitting on the other. When Eve says, "Break away! You can do it alone! Go for it!" pause to hear the Hierophant say, "Maybe you should find someone to help you with this. Why re-invent the wheel?" Recognition of the possibilities is the first key.

And then, let go of your favorite. Don't be afraid of offending the Hierophants in your life. Don't be afraid of offending Eve's independent nature. Sit in between the two possibilities - sit in your chariot, keeping both horses close and ready to run and choose your path. You'll find that when you sit neutral between these possibilities, the two options will happily work together to follow your will. There is no struggle between them, though they're opposites. When you're in charge, they let you choose the path.

Look at all three of these cards again. Notice in the Hierophant card there are three people, with the Hierophant in the commander's seat. Now look at the Lovers card - there are three people, with the Angel in the commander's seat (the Angel allows Eve to make her choice, then closes the gates of the Garden behind her as she's kicked out). And the Chariot card. Who sits in command there? One man, two sphinxes - two mysterious possibilities in life. And in the Chariot card, you sit in command. I sit in command. We call the shots.

In this case it is the most empowered position to be in.

And shouldn't that satisfy my thirst for independence as much as anything? It is my belief that independence one of the weaker imitations of empowerment. It's a substitute, and a poor one.

And as I reflect on that, I wonder to myself if that's what my dad was trying to teach me all along. Yeah, I think his intention was to empower me, and I misinterpreted it. It was never about independence.

Is that true for you?