Robin Hood may be the answer!

I have this obsession with archetypes, right? I mean, I really dig Dr. Jung and Tarot and I think life is just a big spaghetti bowl of archetypes. If you don't know what an archetype is, click here.

So a few weeks back I was doing my normal sit around and think a lot thing that I do. And I started thinking about mythological archetypes: the Cinderellas, Beauties and Beasties, Rapunzels, Wicked Witches, Damsels in Distress, all of that stuff. And I got to Robin Hood for some reason. And he disturbed me, because in his own story he's the hero, but as I thought about it more and more ... maybe he wasn't so great after all.

I mean, why would we call someone who steals from the rich and gives to the poor a hero? Stealing is stealing is stealing. "Karmic debt is going to get his ass sooner or later," I thought to myself. So, is he good or bad? Is he a worthy hero to present to our children and posterity?

There are lots of heroes that we teach our posterity about that are mediocre examples of heroism. We tell stories out of habit and then neglect to recognize the real message we're portraying. Here's an example: my dad always says to me "I hated being in the military and every day I woke up and said to myself, 'Just one more day, just one more day.'" He tells me that, thinking he's presenting himself as a hero of perserverence. But I always heard him saying he's a hero for living unhappily for the sake of getting a paycheck. Like survival is more important than happiness. I hated that message.

Another example is the "Boy Scout" archetype. Now I'm not talking about the "Boy Scouts of America." I'm talking about Cyclops vs. Wolverine. The "obedient and unquestioning child." The "valiant leader of his father's armies." He who always "does it by the book." Sometimes, those boyscout heroes are nothing worth looking up to.

So anyways, I was wondering in my little head how the story of Robin Hood managed to perpetuate itself through hundreds of years and various cultures. Why has it survived? There must be something special about a story that makes it survive that long, that makes people tell it over and over. You don't recommend movies to people that were totally pointless to you, or restaurants that offered nothing special.

I went out that day and rented Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I took it home to watch it on my laptop. And the DVD didn't work. I took it back to Blockbuster and they said, "Oops! Sorry, you'll have to pick a different movie." I've checked that Blockbuster a couple of times since and they haven't replaced it. And I haven't been motivated/driven enough to go find it somewhere else ha ha.

Then, tonight, I was at my sister Sunny Jo's house, and lo-and-behold on her end table is a VHS copy of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. She'd borrowed it from my mom. I don't have a VHS player, so I took it to my sister Crystal's house and watched it.

The movie is not very good. I don't necessarily recommend it to anyone. I remember thinking it was epic when I was a kid, and watching it many times. But as an adult I couldn't remember the storyline. Anyways, it was pretty cheesy and even silly, and I could tell they were intending to keep it fun and lighthearted, but sometimes it was a little too much.

As the movie ended, I was disappointed. I felt no closer to my answer of what makes the story so enduring. I wondered at the Peter Pan lightheartedness, but that wasn't quite it. I wondered at just how the Sheriff of Nottingham was such a bastard, and Robin stood against him. But that wasn't really any different than any other story.

The VHS rewound, and I was looking at the movie's case and read the back of it. I was surprised that there was no synopsis of the movie on the back. It said just this:

"For the good of all men, and the love of one woman, he fought to uphold justice by breaking the law."

And that was the answer I was looking for.

Robin Hood personifies the light, or positive aspects, of the "Rebel" archetype very, very perfectly.

This was interesting to me especially, because just a week or so ago, I got an archetype reading from my friend Crystal and the "rebel" card was drawn. I feel sometimes like I'm rebellious, but not that it's an important role I play in life. AND, because of that reading, I've chosen to dress up at our archetype Halloween party (tomorrow) dressed as "the rebel." The Rebel has been on my mind, and popping up in my life. It's not surprising that the story of Robin Hood just popped into my mind one day! The Rebel's been trying to get my attention!

Here's what Caroline Myss says about the Rebel:

Light Attributes: Challenges authority to effect social change. Rejects systems (spiritual, political, or otherwise) that do not serve inner needs.

Dark Attributes: Rejects legitimate authority out of anger. Rebels out of peer pressure or fashion.
- I got this from her Archetypes deck -

See, in the movie (which I don't really care if the movie is the most original version of the Robin Hood story - it's the one that our society and culture recognizes today), Robin encourages people who are accepting of their unjust fate to fight back. Robin says, "Don't accept what life has handed you, don't let the man get you down, don't buy in to the system, STEP UP!"

The role of the Rebel in humanity is to question everything. To raise the standard by pointing out the flaws of the status quo. It can be a hard and restless way to live. The Rebel is related, as archetypes go, to the Destroyer, the Seeker, and the Hero. And maybe the Altruistic Judge is his cousin.

Where would we be without the Rebels? Quietly and passively accepting the status quo.

And do we not do that? Today, in our culture, in our environment - do we not often settle for the lower and wider paths? How many of you out there have an ok job that pays the bills and brings you nominal gratification? How many of you have forfeited your dream jobs? How many of us settle for mediocre marriages and relationships because we figure it's better than having nothing?

(Now that I'm getting in to this, I think the Rebel archetype might be married to the Prostitute archetype. Yah, yah I digress...)

For those of us feeling like it's time to stand up and say no, time to stop believing what we've been raised to know, and to stop embracing that which itches, Robin Hood is a tale worth pondering. In your life, who's the Sheriff of Nottingham taking over your world while you've "checked out?" When you check back in, will you not be willing to stand up against him?

Christian Slater, for a good part of the movie is a hater of Robin and with reasons. He keeps commenting that Robin is inviting trouble, making matters worse, etc. As the Sheriff was burning down their homes in the forest, I wondered if maybe Christian Slater's character didn't have a point. I mean, if Robin had just chilled a little they could have gone on forever, living like they were, kings of the forest - right?

Not so! Eventually, if one thinks to simply hide and sneak from those who would oppress them, war will come. The true question is this: when war comes *as it inevitably will*, will I submit to my oppressors, or risk everything and stand for myself? Robin Hood, the Rebel, teaches that submission is the same as losing everything, and thus the risk of loss through opposition is actually the only option with any possibility of victory.

Now not all people need to be rebels at all times in all situations. The Rebel, like any archetype, has his place and purpose in life. But if you feel him calling to you, in your mind or deep in your soul, it may serve you and the world to consider what he has to say. Like any archetype he has his flaws and shortcomings, and he's quick to answer to the heat of anger, so watch out for that.

But the good aspect of the Rebel knows how to light the fire of anger to useful and controlled degrees. In the case of Light Rebellion, anger is truly his gift of power to you. And that's something that Zach de la Rocha says too - a line in one of Rage Against the Machine's songs that has always been beautiful to me... "your anger is a gift."

I have one final thing to say about the Rebel. He is not automatically a leader, a creator of movements or change. A call from the Rebel is not necessarily a call to lead. It is simply a call of passion and truth to break away from antiquated or hurtful ways of thinking or being. It may happen that as you heed this call others will follow, as in the case of Robin Hood. But do not mistake a desire for power as a call from the Rebel. He has no passion or desire to command others, rather, his passion and desires lie in greater truth, wealth, happiness and freedom for the village - for the Whole. He is not out to prove - only to live and allow life.

Something that I find very beautiful is that this story has survived. In what seems often to be our fuddy-duddy world, our conventional and lemming society, this story is told over and over. Inasmuch as we live in a society and culture that allows us to tell these stories, of these Dark Knights, we are graciously free to heed their call and live their passions. THAT is EXCITING!

So, let's not go shooting down the modern day Robin Hoods because they threaten to expose cracks in our foundation. Let's be conscious of what our foundations are, how we've chosen them, and let's be inspecting them regularly for antiquity or flaw.

"...fight to uphold justice, by breaking the law..."

The Goddess Eclipses the Sun

So I was doing a Tarot reading today and explaining to my querent that a LOT of women seem to be divorcing their husbands right now. Mostly because their husbands are boring, depressive or ... well ... one is psychotic in my opinion.

I've been thinking about this a whole bunch. The other day my Dad commented that I'm a total mystery to him. I said, "That makes sense. Because men are like the Sun. Either they're shining, or they're not. Women on the other hand, women are like the moon and they go through phases. One day they're shining bright, the next day their energy wanes, the next day they're like a new moon, dark and completely not open to shining for anyone. The sun is up in the daytime and down at night. But the moon wanders the day sky, then shows up at night, then you don't see her for a few days because your timing wasn't right, then she's blaring in your face, full blast."

The moon is traditionally linked to womanhood, and the sun to masculinity. In Greek mythology, the twins Apollo and Artemis were born, with Apollo, the male, given to rule the Sun, and Artemis, the daughter, given the Moon. The moon reflects the light of the sun ... when she feels like it. That would make some think she needs the light of the man, er sun, to shine. She sure does. But c'mon we're more complex than that! The Moon's visible power is in her reflection of the Sun, but her greatest power is in her invisible control of the tides on Earth. Don't forget that she too has a domain where she rules - and that her domain is totally separate from that of the Sun (man). There is absolutely no reason for a power struggle!

Ironically, the sun is the PERFECT distance from the Earth, and the moon the PERFECT distance from the Earth that when you're standing on Earth the two appear to be the same size. Exactly. Isn't that bizarre and miraculous? Can't we learn from that?

So, back to women divorcing their hubands. I've been thinking about how the sun is like men, predictable and unchanging, and how the moon is like women, in a state of constant flux and much faster movement. I've been hearing a lot over the past year about how divine female energy is reawakening on Earth after millenia of being stifled by patriarchal order. This is obvious through things like the Women's Movement, but I'd say overall the Goddess energy is becoming more apparent in all women. I have friends/sisters who earlier in their lives seemed submissive and meek, and are now stepping forward as powerhouses.

It feels to me like women are taking a moment right now in the world to eclipse the men, just like how the moon can eclipse the sun. It's like we just want to step in front of all of the men in the world for just 15 minutes (a solar eclipse after all only lasts for a few minutes) and be like, 'Dude, I'm over it! Yeah, you're bigger than me, but when everything is put into perspective in life, I'm not afraid to stand in front of you." I think that's why so many women are feeling restless in their boring or frustrating relationships.

It won't last, the moon has no intention during an eclipse of blocking out the sun. But the sun can't eclipse the moon, at it doesn't want to. A lunar eclipse is when LIFE, or the Earth, eclipses the moon, and should have nothing to do with male energy - it's more like a woman (Mother Earth) eclipsing herself (the Moon).

And so, men, just relax as we get this out of our systems. It's been building up for a while and we need to do this for our own sense of empowerment. It's natural and really not something that we care to control. It's not about getting rid of male energy, because without the sun's light, the Moon is stuck in darkness. Women like men, believe it or not. I know that I sure like them a lot, especially when they shine a light on me and I get to decide how much of it I reflect back (Sun/Moon). I don't want the male light to go out - no way Jose! I just need a little independence for a moment.

On this note, I was thinking about the whole economic crisis. I wonder, and this is just a wondering, if big banks - the good old boys - and other old powerful institutions are crumbling because they're not prepared to handle this shift in female energy. Any person or organization that isn't prepared to see a little challenge of patriarchal order won't survive these times. And that's ok. It's just the natural role of the universe to clear out rigid energy. That's what women do anyways - we like to shift things up. So if you are rigid, and don't have spring-loaded reflexes, expect some frustration with female energy over the next little while.

I have seen some men recently also who are doing just that - they're remembering that they DO have joints, and they DO have flexibility and they're mixing it up again! Yahoo! I see a lot of men, "good old boys" who are learning new things, opening up to possibilities and taking socio-emotional risks that they wouldn't dream of 10 years ago. This way, when the Goddesses in their lives swing around for an eclipse, they just lean to the left or right - and keep her on HER toes. We like that - the chase. Men are like dogs, they fight for a bone because they want to chew on the bone. When they get the bone they're happy, even if it was a handout. Women are like cats - they like the hunt. We bat the mouse around a few times, and the minute we win, we're disinterested. No chewing the bone for us! That's boring! Artemis was, after all, the great huntress.

So my hope is that we can keep our heads light and high and feel gratitude for the economic and political shakeups right now, and get excited to clear away silly old patriarchal cobwebs and enjoy those fabulous masculine energies in our lives that give us our light, and dance with our tides. No more tin men, without hearts and rigid joints! Time to LUBE UP! If you don't learn it from Dorothy, the Wicked Witch of the West (west = sunset) will drop by and get you movin! Mwahahahaha. :D

And THAT just might be a threat ... lol

The Individual in a Village part 2: The Mass Man

Oh boy! I'm super excited about this perspective! Especially because I'm reading two books right now, well I finished one of them, but anyways both of them are reinforcing each other in this idea of the mass man!

Let me tell you what the books are, to start off:

1) The Undiscovered Self, by Carl Jung (are you surprised? ha ha) written in 1957. I bought this one at Borders books. It's only like 100 pages long so it's a quick read, but his language is a little bigger than most books I'm reading these days so something to be prepared for. Also, this book was written shortly after WWII and at the time of the Iron Curtain, so he talks a lot about "the State" referring to governments in general, but this needs to be taken in context of the govenrments in Europe at this time.

2) Sacred Contracts, by Caroline Myss, 2002.

In case you can't tell, I really liked writing book reports as a student ... especially comparative ones! Mwahahaha ... blogging is fun for me because it makes me feel like I'm back in school.

I know, I know: I digress.

Starting when I was about 15 I've had strong urgings in my heart to do certain things, to stop believing in certain things, and to be a certain type of person. It's taken the last 10 years for me to get to the point I'm at with being authentic and faithful to my true self. I'm still not there yet either - I back down from what I'm feeling to a point still, I exercise mental-self-punishment on a regular basis for not doint things the "right" way, etc., but I am progressed in my faithfulness to self, and I'm in the pursuit of total devotion to my personal truth. That truth is relative and not absolute is a totally different topic, so we won't go there tonight.

One of the things I've experienced with these baby-steps I've taken in my life to honoring myself and my feelings is what Caroline Myss calls "separation or alienation from the tribe." She teaches that it's a primary part of each person honoring their purpose in life, to abandon to some degree their community, tribe, family or culture. I have experienced this to a great degree on many, many levels. Let me give you an example:

I served a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Santiago, Chile. The culture of a missionary in this religion is extremely concise; meaning, everything a missionary does, from they way they dress, to what time they go to bed, to how often they speak to their parents, is completely surrendered to the mission rules of the Church for 18 months-2 years. A missionary is told in training that they've given their life for the next year or two to God, and that every second and every breath now belongs to Him, and that the Church has been directed on how we are to use that time. Period. The leaders in my area were particularly orthodox with the rules.

I lasted for about a year before I could no longer honor the rules and live with myself. I didn't believe the Church's teachings because I had found truth through my studies of the teachings of Jesus and it didn't match up. I went through about 3 months of counseling while I was told to still continue as a missionary. It's a long story, and not a particularly useful one, so I won't get in to it, but the bottom line was that I finally had to put my foot down and say, "No! You can't tell me what I feel in my heart! I know I'm not broken because I feel the love of God in my life and it's encouraging me to stop this!" I was assigned for the remaining 3 months of my mission to work in an office where I was no longer asked to follow the rules of the mission.

It was HUGE for me! And on a superficial level I was totally guilt-laden, but on a deeper level I was LIBERATED! But the important thing here was that I found myself in a position in life where I had to choose between myself and my tribe.

Just two days ago I was asked to participate in a reunion for the missionaries. I declined the invitation. (It didn't feel appropriate to show up at a religious meeting touting that I left the church and became a Tarot reader... lol). It was still sad and hard for me, but it became very clear to me in the last 6 months of my mission that because of the culture of the mission, I would never have both my truth and my tribe. I do, however, maintain the friendships that matter most to me and that honor my decision.

Have you ever done this? Have you ever felt compelled to step away from a belief, culture, friend, family or community that made it impossible for you to be true to yourself? If you have, you're not alone. Every great person has to some degree.

Jesus, for example, left Nazareth and when he returned to share all he'd learned and become, he was rejected and sent off. Gautama (the Buddha) ran away from home to begin his journey to enlightenment. Ghandi studied in England and then lived in South Africa for many years, before returning home and initiating a revolution (which is a movement to change the culture of the tribe). Abraham moved to Canaan. Moses fled from Egypt to become a herdsman. Etc, etc.

So the question is this: why oh why is it necessary and important to distinguish yourself from your tribe?

The answer lies in every one of Carl Jung's teachings ... ha ha. Jung teaches in The Undiscovered Self that community in general, be it political, religious, familial, regional, cultural, etc., requires that a standardization of some form be accomplished. He says that the way that WE interpret the concept of community, WE adhere to a statistical belief system of averages. That is, our community is defined by the "average" situation found within it. It's a statistical approach of finding the common middle-ground. We sometimes call it "fairness" or "compromise."

So if the "average" American is 5 feet 7 inches tall, what are the odds of YOU being 5 feet 7 inches tall?

But here's the deal: who cares what the ODDS are - you are an individual human being and comparing you to the "average man" as specified in a community is comparing you to absolutely nothing. Because the "average man" doesn't exist which means that to "consider how the average person would act" would mean to "consider something that isn't reality." Jung says that reality consists of nothing but exceptions to the rule. "...the individual psyche, just because of its individuality, is an exception to the statistical rule and is therefore robbed of one of its main characteristics when subjected to the leveling influence of statistical evaluation," (p. 48)

Here's the problem. Let me quote a popular scripture from my local culture: "It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief," (The Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 4:13). Now this is a noble scripture - the good of the many outweighs the good of the one or the few, right?

But there's a problem with the psychology behind this teaching. This teaching insinuates that the community is more important than the individual. It expresses a fear of the power of the individual, and it teaches that the power of the individual must be squelched if it threatens the belief of the many!

I can see how in the context of the story of wicked King Laban and heroic Nephi it is a possible moral teaching, but when taken out of this explicit context, it's implications are powerfully detrimental to the psyche of an individual! I would even argue that in the context of the story it's a risky thing to say. This type of attitude creates what is called the "mass man" or the person who puts the values, ideals and truths of his tribe above his own. In fact, he never ventures to find out what his own beliefs are, because he wouldn't want to upset the status quo of the community. It's comfortable to belong to a community, because you just follow the already established rules and you never have to own your personal power.

...post never finished...

My Owl Totem Story

Oh, I tried to sleep tonight. It's already 5 AM and I tried to go to bed at 4, but I lied in bed feeling inclined to post my newest learning. Which will be my next post. This one is a shorty that comes first!

Several months ago I was given a reading where the Owl was identified as an animal totem for me. For those who don't know, an animal totem is a specific family of animal or species that has habits, adaptations and lifestyles that one can study and learn valuable lessons about life from. Any person can have a number of totems that either follow them through life, or that pop up for short periods to teach them something.

Now it's a long story, so I'm going to whittle it down, but it's fun and meaningful to encounter a totem in the wild. It's fun because it's like tangible evidence that the real, actual animal is aware of you. So! I've been thinking for about a week that I'd like to go sit in the mountains and see if I could hear or see an owl. I've never seen or heard one in real life that I can remember. I never really even remember seeing any at any zoos or anything. For the past week I've been glued to clips of owls on YouTube.

So tonight I went running on the Provo Canyon trail with my sister Crystal. I had my MP3 player on as I ran. We went late, and it got dark as I was running. When I turned back and met up with Crystal, I turned my MP3 player off and we walked the last mile or so back to the car. We were just chatting and then I heard it! "WHOOo hoo hoho hoo ohhoooooohoo hoohoo" Ha ha. From what I've watched on YouTube it sounded like Great Horned Owl!! Far away from us I think, but we called out and said, "YO! Come down here so I can see you!" He didn't come down, but that didn't matter! He TOTALLY was hooting for me. I'm so stoked because it wasn't like I went and sat in the woods and meditated on owls or anything - I was just out exercising and I turned off my MP3 player right before I heard the hoots. Cute, huh!?!?

I also tried to tempt him down by claiming I had a skunk with me, because skunk is one of my totems too, and is the favorite food of the Great Horned owls. But, it was a lie, so naturally the wise old owl didn't fall for it!

Yay?

Yay!

I've discovered my Animus!

I've discovered something that I believe will alter the course of my life forever. Cool, huh?

I've been totally fascinated by Dr. Carl Jung lately, because with my study of archetypes and tarot his name is mentioned non-stop and so I've taken to reading books about him and learning more about his teachings. While this post won't have much to do with tarot, it will touch on archetypes.

Jung taught that the human psyche works in such a way that our personal unconscious as well as the collective unconscious tries to be in communication and understood by our conscious minds. This can happen in a lot of ways - for example through dreams. In a dream, our unconscious sends images to our conscious minds, typically in the form of symbols. The unconscious also communicates via archetypes - that is, pesonalities, experiences, ideas or lessons that are common to all of humanity. I like to look at the archetypal fairy tales and myths, like for example Robin Hood. Robin Hood himself is an archetype - a hero - and the Sheriff of Nottingham is an archetype, and their rivalry and experience is archetypal in that any person, from any culture in the world, any religion or language, who hears the story of Robin Hood, can relate to it. The story and its characters are meaningful to every human being.

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Jung also taught that the most important work a person can undertake in their psychic, or mental/emotional/spiritual, development is to achieve a balance in themselves between the mysterious unconsciousness and the conscious mind or ego.

One of the mechanisms of our minds that moves us towards this balance is the presence of an animus or anima. A male psyche, as it develops from childhood, and experiences the contrast of the female, will develop a sort of inner-female-personality, called the anima. This is like the voice inside of his head that speaks for his "female" or sensitive, mysterious, emotional and spiritual side. A female psyche develops an animus, which is the same as the anima, but instead is male oriented - so it speaks the voice of logic, reason, present moment living, etc. The mind, as it is trained and taught by life to identify itself with one gender, or take gender out of it, as it identifies with one polarity, it will automatically create an opposite polarity to balance it out.

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It's like this. Take a stone. Carve a sculpture out of it. Now the stone is "defined". And then take all of the chips, dust, and shavings that were removed as you carved the sculpture and save them on the side. The chips, dust and shavings are there to remind us of what the stone was before it became defined as a sculpture. They also serve to remind the stone that even though it has been defined as a sculpture, at it's core, in the end, it is still a stone.

Our animas and animuses remain in our minds to remind us of the wholeness that we once were (before being born), and that one day we can return to (at enlightenment or after death). They also motivate us to find companions in our lives that will complement us and challenge us to achieve greater psychic balance. They are our inner relationship coaches and the source of that deep-seeded attraction towards certain "types" of people.

Ok, so now it's story time. When I was something like 13 years old I met a boy that I decided was my soul-mate. His name is D. 

D and I dated on and off for a few years and I became obsessed with him. He eventually told me he wasn't interested and moved on.

Heartbroken and lost in life, I decided to serve a mission for the church I participated in at the time. I moved to Chile for 18 months to work as a volunteer for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While in Chile, I met another person. His name was G. G was a leader of the church at the time, in Chile, and he was (and is still I believe) married for a long time - G in fact was about 30 years older than me. He had children almost my age.

I struggled in Chile and found myself in a very vulnerable state because there was a lot of social pressure as a missionary and I found that I didn't like the church I was promoting. When G expressed an interest in me (I was about 24 at the time) I allowed him to believe he stood a chance, even though it was totally inappropriate. There was something comforting about an older man, established in his life, with a cute foreign accent, showing interest in me.

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Ultimately nothing happened between us, and I returned home to the States. I have harbored bitter feelings for G because I feel like he preyed upon my vulnerability in many ways with a purpose of inflating his own ego. (I won't go into the details about this because I don't feel like it really matters for this post). 

When I returned from Chile, after some brief re-encounters with D, he married another girl, and I decided to move on.

That's when I met C. C actually is a lot like D. 

So C was and is wonderful. He and I dated/lived together for about 2 years. We had a lot in common and in particular we had complementary senses of humor.

But in the end after two years, we agreed that the relationship wasn't fulfilling either of us. And we broke up. (That was about 3 months ago).

And that, my friends, is my love-life in a nutshell. Pretty great, huh?

So now I'm in a space of wondering what type of person I want to be a in a relationship with, so that I can feel fulfilled, challenged, and satisfied. When I was 16 my friend Loni and I went to a palm reader on Hollywood Blvd and she said that I would marry a man from overseas and have 2 children. At the time I thought, "That's ridiculous - I'm going to marry D." But recently her prediction has come back to me and I've wondered. I keep imagining that my happiest relationship will be with a foreign man, older than me, much older and established in his life. And then I remember G and I cringe and think, "There's no way in HELL I'll ever be with a man like that." But when I dream and fantasize about it, the same figure keeps coming back into my mind, and I'm living in New England, and I'm happy and quite alone (because my older, foreign husband is off doing his things) and I have so much freedom and also so much love.

This is when I came across Jung's anima/animus theories.

In this book I'm reading right now, called "Teach Yourself Jung" by Ruth Snowden (2006) I read the following about Jung:

"Jung first became aware of his own anima when he was analysing his fantasies during his midlife crisis. He asked himself what he was actually doing, and was startled to hear a woman's voice quite clearly announcing, 'it is art'. He felt cross about this and replied that it was nothing to do with art, but the voice again insisted that it was. The voice was the voice of his anima. ... Jung soon realized that by personifying an archetype [as his anima] he was able to bring it into relationship with his own consciousness.

... For a man to be in touch with his anima is therefore healing and balancing. The anima is not a specific woman - her archetype contains all the ancestral impressions of what it means to be female. Her personified form in the individual psyche will depend very much upon a man's personal knowledge of women, which is rooted in his relationship with his mother, plus impressions gained about other women as he is growing up. Passionate attractions occur when the anima is projected onto an actual woman, so that the man falls in love. If, on the other hand, the man over-identifies with the anima, he may become very moody, resentful or effeminate. If a man's anima is very weak then he will find relationships with women difficult" (p. 61-62).

Also: "...it is useful to get in touch with our anima or animus, because they have valuable messages for us. They also have a huge role to play in making relationships with the opposite sex successful" (p. 63).

Ok, I don't know if that meant anything to you, but it meant a whole lot to me. The part where his anima actually speaks to him hit home. I sat and pondered this as I read it, and then all of a sudden it happened - my animus spoke to me.

In my mind's eye, I saw a totally black space with an open door in the distance, and light shone out of the open door (kind of like what you would see in Dick Tracey). Then, a man stepped into the doorway, with the light on his back, so I couldn't see his face, and so that his shadow was long.

Then he spoke. And he said nothing, but I knew instantly that he was Anthony Hopkins. Ha ha ha. I'm serious! My animus looks and talks just like Anthony Hopkins.

He doesn't really say anything to me, but now that I'm aware of him, I know that if I sat down and took the time to have a conversation with him, he would. And that still kind of scares me because I don't know what he'll ask me to face.

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Ok, so the anima/animus is formed based off of father figures and other male figures in the life of a person when they're young. Later, through life, you'll encounter more people and your anima/animus may change a little but his/her strongest aspects will be defined in early childhood.

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You know how people always say, "You marry your mother!" or "You date your father!" - like you're attracted to people you remind you of your parents? That's how the whole anima/animus thing plays out.

Now each of my siblings (there are 8 of us) has a totally different relationship/take on my parents. But my relationship with my father, as a child and kind of to this day, looks like this:

1. I'm awed by him and he seems unreachable and unapproachable
2. I'm intimidated by him, so I try to not get noticed too much
3. I'm quite rebellious towards him and I like to challenge him but without too much personal interaction
4. As a child he and I mostly connected on an intellectual level - we talked about science and math and world affairs
5. I prefer to see him interacting with others and enjoying his fabulous personality vicariously instead of having his focus on me
6. My dad never liked me dating D or C. He thought they were both underachievers.

Ok, now let me tell you about this Anthony Hopkins figure that is my animus

1. He's mysterious and mostly quiet. He has little to say, but when he looks at me I know he's watching my every move and has me figured out (think Hanibal Lector)
2. When he does talk, it's mostly small talk about things like science and world affairs - just trivial things.
3. He doesn't like my taste in guys. He doesn't like that I'm the more active person in my relationships. He says (and I'm hearing this in my head right now as I type) that if I'm going to be running the show in a relationship, I'd be better off alone and that he wants to see me in a relationship where I'm empowered and then left to follow my own passions.
4. He's very critical. And he's not afraid to express his dissatisfaction to me. But he's never critical of me, just of my choices. He likes me a lot and is totally intrigued by me - in fact the puzzle that I am consumes him - he's eternally fascinated and finds my resistance and rebellion fascinating and exhilirating (sorry if that's too graphic ha ha ha). He thinks he has me figured out and is perpetually curious to see if I'll act like he expects me to. When I don't act like he expects is when he gets cranky with me...but then his curiosity is revived.

Ok, enough of him.
Here's the thing with animas/animuses. They're in your head. Forever. They are a part of your psyche. If you piss them off, and don't respect their input (which is meant only to guide you towards balance) they'll nag at you forever. You gotta make your peace with them.
Have you ever been in a relationship with everything is smashing, going perfectly well, and there's this itch in your brain that you have to get out of it? I know that a lot of people experience this. "Why did I cheat on my husband?" they ask me - "I really love him a lot and he's SUCH a good person and there's really nothing wrong with him! I'm just not happy and I don't know why," Well, my guess is that you're not happy because your animus doesn't think your hubby is a good match and he's not going to shut up (even if your husband is a "good person").
Here's the big problem with animas/animuses - their personalities are based off of your life experiences with people of the opposite sex. So let's say Dad was abusive - well guess what? Your animus is likely going to be abusive and he'll encourage you to get into abusive relationships. Let's say mom was absent and self-absorbed. Anima is going to push you towards relationships where you do all of the work.
Now the reason they do this, is because if you were an abused child, your psyche and personality formed around abusiveness, so in order to be balanced, you have to be reacting against abuse. I don't know Jung's theory, but mine is that as you become more balanced in your reactions to abuse, your anima/animus will stop pressuring you to seek abusive realtionships. But this explains why there are so many battered wives that are perfectly happy in their abusive relationships.
So take a look at your life. If you are dissatisfied with your relationships, is it because you look for people based off of the "right" qualifications, or based off of what you're "truly" attracted to? If you are in a relationship because your partner seems "stable and healthy" do you find yourself craving adventure and risk? Did you pick someone beautiful, only to find yourself craving to be adored by your partner instead living in their shadow? If you picked someone strong, do you find yourself craving to overpower them somehow?
Think about this: D and C are very similar in that they're both my age, neither of them has any career path or even ambition for that matter, they're both dependant on their mothers to a great degree, and they both have enormous sweetness and gentleness. I think I'm attracted to guys like that because I like to resist my animus - I don't want to give in to him. But in my perfect relationship with C, I was totally dissatisfied.
Isn't that interesting?
The problem is that because of the surrounding circumstances with the G situation, I'm really, really resistant to trusting my animus, because G fit the mold much closer than C or D did. Ew and the thought of a relationship with anyone like him pisses me off.
And here's another thing - since I broke up with C, D magically reappeared in my life ... divorced. Naturally I'm excited and express interest ... and true to his nature he strings me along for a little while and then ignores me.
I'm clearly not learning my lesson!
But now that I'm clear on what my animus is (and I think I'll name him Anthony Hopkins) and on what purpose he serves, I think I'm in a path to trusting him and using his council and personality to lead me towards a fulfilling and balancing relationship. And THAT is exciting!

So watch out world ... of single, foreign, rich men who are ages 30-42 (sorry but a 17-year is gap is all I can swallow at this point.), who want to be in a relationship with a mysterious, independant, and spontaneous whackball 25-year old who researches things like Jungian psychology and tarot and the Bible for fun! I'm READY for ya!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Gratitude

I've been meaning to post this for a few days, and I'm glad that now I'm finally getting to it.

I feel really excited to post my gratitude for some very specific people in my life, because of their unsolicited support of me.

First and foremost are my sister Sunny Jo and her husband James. I was thinking the other day about all of my shenanigans through the past few years, and they've had a supportive hand at all times in the things I've been doing. When I hated my job, James gave me one with him. Every time I've "started working out" they've forgotten my past failures and have cheered me constantly through my efforts. Recently, James hooked me up with a free personal trainer and diet plan with which I've lost 25 lbs. Sunny called me the other day with an incredible temp job that will save my butt this month, because she "just thought of me." When I decided to become a professional Tarot reader, James sent me my first paying client. To this day, Sunny Jo cooks for me to keep me pumped on a healthier lifestyle. Sunny Jo stands up for me and defends me when others misunderstand my intentions or actions - even though our belief systems (mine and Sunny's) are totally contrasting. James sent me a random text 2 days ago saying that he's proud of me and has always thought I was beautiful - totally out of the blue. They're just good people. They've positively affected every aspect of my life through simply personal gestures of love and service. And I see them do this with others every day.

Also, Lisa Ross-Walker. For some reason I'm not clear on, she's my biggest fan and my greatest marketer for my Tarot business - and what's strange is that she's one of the people in my life that I most look up to. At first I almost idolized her - I found it hard to talk to her normally because she has always seemed so powerful and wise. And then, out of the blue, she's in my Tarot class as one of my students. She's sending people to me left and right to get readings and to take classes. She's arranging for me to attend parties as a reader. She talks about me to her hair dresser, her mechanic, everyone! It's mind-blowing! And I'm eternally grateful for her support and love. The other day, she told me that a friend of hers asked if I was her daughter and she said, "On some levels, yes." What a compliment!

People like these, in my life - people of pure love and service for others - are the reason why lately, I can just sit down, in the middle of the day, and smile and just bask in the beauty of life. Life is SO good. People truly are goooooooooood!!!! In a world of chaos and nonsense, distractions and contentions, I've been blessed with a whole family and network of loving, giving, nurturing human beings.

As a child I was obsessed with individuality and separation from others. I hated playing in groups, I was terrified of crowds, and meeting new people was akin to electrocution. Speaking in public was simple, because I was separated from the audience. But playing on a team was nerve-wracking. I used to wonder to myself, "Who cares about other people? I just want to live my life alone and do my thing. I'll interact with people as necessary but never more than is absolutely requisite for survival!"

I still struggle with idle interaction with others. I still struggle to achieve a balance between inner and outward focus. BUT - and this is the point - when I experience first-hand the blessings of being surrounded by purely loving people, I SEE why I want others in my life! It's so obvious to me why relationships are the key to happiness! Nothing in my life has brought me the peace that unjudging support has/does.

In Tarot, the 9 of Pentacles shows a successful woman, standing in her marvelous vineyard, alone with her falcon - a falcon she commands at will. She is master and Goddess here. She holds all power and all levels of success and abundance. Except ... she's the 9 - and not the 10 - because she's alone. It's a card of total success for oneself. The 9 of cups is a similar card, showing a smug man sitting in front of his many grails in life, content, satisfied and even pleased with his success.

The 10 of pentacles, though, and also the 10 of cups, shows the complete truth of success. In these cards, there is no one alone - they are the cards of dynasty, family happiness, fulfillment through relationships, joy being full only because it is shared with others. Tarot captures the truth that the end of the rainbow is found in the company of others. The pot of gold is found within the heart of loved ones.

My God! Am I ever blessed!!!

Dreaming of Failed Triathlons

Last night I had a most vivid and frustrating dream. I almost never remember my dreams, and even less frequently do the feelings from my dreams pervade my life. But last night was different.

For the past year I have been actively training and participating in Triathlons. I've just recently lost some weight, and so they are more fun than ever, and I'm getting more competitive with them which is very fulfilling. I train for the races with my sister, Sunny Jo. She is very athletic and keeps me on my toes. We almost always race together too and she always beats me :D

My dream started off with me standing in line inside of a barn waiting for my turn to start a triathlon in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. In the barn came a little stream of water, kind of like a deep canal, with a current. This is where I would start the swim portion of the race. When it came my turn to jump in, I was given a floaty and a paddle. I hesitated - since when do you do a triathlon with a floating seat and a paddle? I noticed the water had a current. But I jumped on the seat and started paddling away.

Everyone else ahead of me in the race was casually floating down this wide canal as I vigorously paddled past them. I was excited to be passing so many people. No one else was paddling but me. There were spectators all around cheering us on.

Normally, a sprint tri will have a 300-900 meter swim. I would say this one was closer to 150 meters in the water. Before I knew it, the current turn and I was carried back to the barn and I had passed a LOT of people. Now was the time to put on my helmet and cycling shoes and take off for the cycling portion of the race - the funnest part for me!

My bike was sitting in the barn amongst some hay and dust, and there were only 3 or 4 other bikes there (usually in a tri the "transition" area has hundreds of bikes - one for each participant). I found my race number and snapped it around my waist, but for the life of my I couldn't find my helmet and shoes. I kept looking down and finding my running shoes on. I'd sit down, take them off, and look for my cycling shoes. Then, a few seconds later, I'd look down and my running shoes would be on again. Arg! It's SO important in a race to HURRY during the transitions. Probably for 3 hours of my sleep I was desperately looking for my cycling equipment. In the dream only like 40 minutes had passed, but in 40 minutes I should have been almost done with the race, not looking for my shoes! I remember that I started my swim before my sister Sunny, and during transition as I searched for my shoes, she passed me.

Finally I found them. I put them on and hopped on my bike and headed out for the bike ride... only to find that the path wasn't marked. There were spectators everywhere and nowhere did I see anyone else on a bike or a sign that said "BIKE -->" or anything like that. I rode my bike down the sidewalks, up the boardwalks, and through the crowds, but could never find the route. Once, I though I'd found it and I biked as hard as I could up a hill. The road seemed unreasonably rocky and steep. I kept wondering if I'd misread the information about the race and if the bike was a "trail ride" and if I should have brought a mountain bike instead of a road bike. But when I got to the top of the hill, my breath was taken away by the Tetons - it was the most spectacular mountain scene I'd ever seen - and the path I was on split in 1,000 directions - none of them marked for the race. I thought to myself, "Yes, this is beautiful scenery ... but I'm not here for scenery. I'm here for my race. And where the hell is my trail?!?!"

I rode my bike back down the hill and around for a little while longer. I had a moment of clear thought where I thought to myself, "You know, none of this would have happened, none of these surprises would have challenged me, if I'd come early and walked the course with a guide before the race."

I kept seeing people finish the run - it was obvious where the run started and ended - if ONLY I could find the bike trail!

At last I gave up, hopped off my bike and decided to start the run, if just only to "finish the race." When I got my running shoes on and left the barn, the race was over, spectators were cleaning up and leaving, and the "RUN --->" signs had all been taken down. I was FURIOUS. I found my phone and called Sunny. She answered asking if I was at home. "AT HOME!?!?!" I asked. "I'm here at the race with YOU! How did you forget about me?!?! Where the hell is the bike route?!?!"

Sunny Jo found me and was trying to calm me down. She explained that for her the bike route had been perfectly clear and obvious and she didn't know why I'd had such a hard time finding it. She took me outside and showed me one of the signs marking the bike path. I'd been looking for a great big sign that said, "BIKE --->" and the one she showed me was a little piece of paper with a strip of road drawn on it. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable sign. I hadn't even noticed it once.

I told her that even though I didn't finish the race, at the very least I wanted my T-shirt. We went to go grab it but they'd run out of my sizes, and I had to settle for a men's shirt. When we returned to grab my stuff to leave, my bike was missing and we couldn't find it anywhere.

At this point I was going totally crazy, and beginning to wake up. I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, lay back down, and would instantly be asleep and irate in my dream. Then I'd stir, pet my cat, close my eyes and be back in the barn frantically searching for my bike. I was going to find the race director and chew him out. I was going to yell at every spectator. I was furious, humiliated and utterly confused. What was the DEAL with this race?!?!?!

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I'm wondering what this dream means for me in my life. Surely there's something I can learn from it! Here are some possibilities:

1. I have been building up to something in my life, working towards it, and I'm incapable of achieving it because I have expectations of how it should look. And I'm blinded by the fact that it looks different. (ie - the swim was on floaties with paddles, the sign marking the bike path being different, etc.)

2. I have been working really hard to achieve something and at the last minute I fail to put in enough effort - at the last minute I get proud and cut corners, and it spells my failure (ie I should have come a little early and walked the course.)

3. I'm so focused on the stupid and pointless races in life that I can't enjoy the true miracles and beauty that are surrounding me (ie the Tetons being so beautiful)

That one feels the least true though, because my desire to do the race is not stupid, and I love racing so a pretty mountain is no more important than a race.

4. There's no point in surrounding myself with beautiful scenery if inside I'm tangled with frustration and lonliness

5. I'm mistaking the challenges in my life for triathlons, when really they're something more like "floating in the current on a floaty" - am I overtraining in my life?

That's a hard question for me though, because what's wrong with training for a triathlon and wanting to compete in one? There's nothing innately wrong about it - but what's wrong is when I show up to a fun-athlon and get frustrated and angry and lonely and I fail because of it.

6. If I keep looking down and seeing my running shoes on my feet, and I can't find my cycling shoes, and everyone else is running - maybe it's a sign that I need to forget the cycling and go for a run! Am I too stuck on following "rules and order" in my life instead of choosing flow? Am I paddling down the current instead resting and allowing life to carry me?

I think lots of these could be true for my. My sister Crystal does spirit guide readings - like she psychically speaks to spirits/energies that are assigned as guides in our lives. Kind of like talking to your guardian angel for you. Some of my guides in my life are silly little Sprites. Every time Crystal does a reading for me, and asks my guides to give me, well, guidance, the Sprites say over and over, "Tell her to have more fun in life! Stop taking life so seriously!"

Is this dream giving me the same message? Am I not taking time in my life to relax and be led, because I'm so determined to do everything the "right" way?

I'll be honest with you: It's still a mystery to me. But I'm trying to work through it, which is why I'm writing it down. It's therapeutic, ya know?

If you have any extra insights, let me know! :D

The Individual in a Village

I was raised in a household where independence was the most treasured and rewarded trait. I could be smart, funny, athletic, or kind and it never held any luster unless I did it with an independent spirit.

My father was the firstborn son to a 16-year old girl. His mother, my grandma Ovard, subsequently had 3 more children. She never graduated high school, never pursued a career, and barely struggled to feed her family. At the ripe age of 18 Dad joined the Army and became the breadwinner for his mother and siblings.

Through the years he cared for Grandma, and all of his siblings at one time or another, while raising a family of 8 children. This made him tough, and fortunately he was clever as well, and made a fortune for himself. Over the years his toughness has peeled away to reveal a tender and loving man who cares deeply for the welfare of others.

But being the youngest of the 8 children in my family, I was raised in an impoverished household. And as the money began to flow into my father's life, he very much hid it from us kids. He wanted us to experience the roughness of life in the hopes that we'd toughen up like he had.

At the baffling age of 13 I was told that I'd had to earn money for any new clothes I may want, including socks and underwear. I was encouraged to buy my own deodorant and face wash. My parents spent money on me in the form of private tutors, who would come into my home and teach me French, oboe and art lessons as I wore the clothing my neighbors had handed down to my older siblings. My father would talk to local day care centers and have me work 30 hours a week in the summers as a "volunteer" while he'd pay me hourly for my work. I tutored other kids during the school year and he'd pay me hourly for that.

When I was 16, I was in college already and needed a car. I got a job working at Arby's and a job working at Uncle Sam's Army Navy Outdoor, AND I was attending school full-time. Since I didn't have a car, my mom would drive me to college, pick me up and drop me off and Arby's then pick me up later and drop me off at Uncle Sam's. It has been a consistent pattern in my life to work several jobs at a time. Later that year, my Dad told me I'd have to start paying for my own college as well.

I moved out at 17. It took me until I was 21 to get my bachelor's degree, and I did it incurring very little debt. Just working a lot. I'd live with my sisters or rent a cheap room. I learned to wait tables - a great source of income for the independent spirit.

To this day, I have this belief that I must prove my independence to the world. I struggle to ask for help from anyone that isn't a very, very close friend. I'm the girl who carries all of the groceries into the house in one load, while my hands turn purple, to prove I can do it myself, and I can do it without any waste of time.

This streak has affected many areas of my life. I struggle with fashion. I find it crippling to be identified with the trendy crowd. I've been known to keep my hair very short and sometimes shaved (at the moment it's very long though). Social situations terrify me. How do I mingle with others as I obsessively fret over my need to be independent of others? I have employees now and I find it absolutely impossible to delegate tasks to them. Etcetera. I go to a bar or club and look for ways to be "distracted" out of socializing. I proudly go to movies or dinner alone, after rejecting a friend's invitation to join them.

In my study of the Tarot, I have recently studied the Hierophant card of the Major Arcana. Pictured here is the card from the Universal Waite deck (my favorite deck at the moment).

A quick review: In the Fool's journey he meets an active male, passive male, active female, and passive female - his parents and beginning influences and introductions to life.

The next stage is to meet the Hierophant. The Hierophant is depicted as a religious leader, with two acolytes - or attendants - engaged in an initiation ceremony. The Hierophant sits above them, in his tiered crown, holding the power to accept or reject them as members of his fold.

This card represents the stage in life when one finds organizations, clubs, schools, social circles, religions, etc. that they would like to belong to. There are rules, though, and qualifications that must be met before admittance into these institutions. It lies in the hands of each of us to decide how badly we want to belong and to willingly rise to the standards. Think of young college students eagerly going through initiation into a fraternity.

Many people, in their formative years, encounter this experience of the Hierophant, and indulge in it. They work hard and get on the teams, or they buy the clothes that help them fit in. They learn the skills that get them jobs or practice the video games to *pawn* their opponents. In the culture I was raised in, in Utah, a lot of the pressure is to fit into the prominent LDS religion. Who's going to be called as a leader in the church? Who can be considered worthy, humble, penitent, knowledgeable, Christlike, etc.? Who wears clothing that is modest and decent? Who can cook and clean and care for children? All of these questions lead to the true question at hand: who meets up to the standards?

It was all often a struggle for me. I'm very competitive, by virtue of my independence, and so instead of being initiated into the societies of my youth, I challenged them all. (It's the Artemis in me.) I searched in life for things to not belong to - places where I would stand out. Independent.

Unfortunately for me, though I am an individual, I still belong to a village. I've rarely accepted that in my life. I've never embraced it unless I got to be the big leader. It was a critical stage of my development that got skipped. I jumped from Dad's rigid lessons in independence (The Emperor, card 4) straight to my personal independence (The Lovers, card 6).

As I discussed in my last post, the Lovers card is tied to the story of the Garden of Eden. When Eve partook of the fruit directly disobeying her father's orders she became responsible for her actions. For the first time in her existence, she was independent. The Lovers card shows the transition from childlike innocence, to adult independence.

In life, until we become masters of love, and masters at approaching all situations from a space of love, there is an eternal debate between the Hierophant and the Lovers. One says "follow me" (Hierophant) while the other says "make your own path" (the Lovers). Both options are appropriate in life, depending on the situation. Sometimes, enlisting a person to train us, teach us, hold us in accountability and in our excellence is a powerful option. At other times going it alone, learning through trial and error, and taking risks brings great rewards. The problem is that by nature we tend to choose a favorite. My favorite choice is the independent Lovers card. In fact, I almost never even let the Hierophant make an appearance in my life. I've completely tuned out to him.

What is the trend in your life? Do you like to belong, or do you relish your separateness? Are you a member of your village, or are the you the individual living amongst villagers? Perhaps it depends on the circumstances? Do you flip-flop between the two?

Based on my study of the Tarot, the key is to learn a balance here. There are steps to achieving this. Once the balance is achieved, you will be stable enough to look inside of yourself and take the time to discover what's making you tick the way you do. But you (and I) have to stabilize and balance our urges to either belong or stand out, before we can have enough peace to look inside. This step of balance and stability is the next card in the Major Arcana: The Chariot.

The charioteer, using no reins whatsoever, keeps his chariot moving forward, because his horses (or sphinxes) pull him as a team, completely balanced.

In my life, one horse pulled all of the weight, while the other was blindfolded and chained up. That is to say, my desire for independence has completely guided me. I've never given any power to the possibility of belonging to a village. And because of that, when one horse pulls all of the weight, the chariot runs in circles.

Do you feel in your life like you're going in circles? Take a look and think about it.

The first step to achieving the balance of the chariot is to learn to acknowledge the Lovers in you, and the Hierophant in you, in every situation. Honor both possibilities. One way to do this is to imagine Eve sitting on one of your shoulders, and the Hierophant sitting on the other. When Eve says, "Break away! You can do it alone! Go for it!" pause to hear the Hierophant say, "Maybe you should find someone to help you with this. Why re-invent the wheel?" Recognition of the possibilities is the first key.

And then, let go of your favorite. Don't be afraid of offending the Hierophants in your life. Don't be afraid of offending Eve's independent nature. Sit in between the two possibilities - sit in your chariot, keeping both horses close and ready to run and choose your path. You'll find that when you sit neutral between these possibilities, the two options will happily work together to follow your will. There is no struggle between them, though they're opposites. When you're in charge, they let you choose the path.

Look at all three of these cards again. Notice in the Hierophant card there are three people, with the Hierophant in the commander's seat. Now look at the Lovers card - there are three people, with the Angel in the commander's seat (the Angel allows Eve to make her choice, then closes the gates of the Garden behind her as she's kicked out). And the Chariot card. Who sits in command there? One man, two sphinxes - two mysterious possibilities in life. And in the Chariot card, you sit in command. I sit in command. We call the shots.

In this case it is the most empowered position to be in.

And shouldn't that satisfy my thirst for independence as much as anything? It is my belief that independence one of the weaker imitations of empowerment. It's a substitute, and a poor one.

And as I reflect on that, I wonder to myself if that's what my dad was trying to teach me all along. Yeah, I think his intention was to empower me, and I misinterpreted it. It was never about independence.

Is that true for you?

Adam and Eve - bringing shadow to LIFE!

Genesis 3: 1-7


1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
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2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden;

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the Garden, God hast said: Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall surely not die;

5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

7 And the eyes of them both were opened ...

(Source - The Holy Bible, King James Version)


It's long been wondered what really happened in the Garden of Eden. What it really means. In fact, even the Rider-Waite-Smith version of the Tarot shows an undeniable reference to this on the Lovers card of the Major Arcana. The symbolism is undeniable, the man and woman, naked, with the woman standing before a tree wrapped in a serpent. Perhaps the angel behind them is Cherubim with his flaming sword (the Sun) protecting the Tree of Life (mentioned at the end of Genesis, ch 3).

Adam stands before the burning tree, Eden gone, representing what is often referred to as the "Fall of Man" (not the fall of Woman).

Just the other day I was talking with someone for some reason about the Garden of Eden and what it was all about. What's with the serpent (aka Satan?). What was he doing there? Why was he interested in tempting Eve?

I've heard possible explanations for it, but as I pondered it the other day, I had an idea come up for me. I'd like to share it with you.

The Bible states that God created all creatures and that "it was good." (Ch1, Verses 24-25). It specifically mentions "creeping things." That to me sounds like serpents. God intentionally put serpents in the garden, and when he did, he thought of them as "good." So why would a good creature, intentionally put into the Garden by the creator himself, tempt Eve to disobey? It doesn't make sense. Even if you don't take the scripture literally, the verses clearly insinuate that God only allowed in the Garden - in his "perfect world" - exactly what he wanted in the Garden. Briars and thorns weren't introduced until after the disobedience. If we assume that the Serpent truly was Satan, I can't see that he "snuck in" to God's sanctuary. He had to be there with the permission of God. And what is a sanctuary riddled with temptation and "evil". No, the serpent wasn't evil. He was the most "clever" but not evil.

Now the first five books of the bible were supposedly written by Moses. If I remember correctly (and I may not) these writings were carried around in the Ark of the Covenant. These writing didn't reach the European or American continents en masse, as books of religious doctrine hundreds if not thousands of years after they were written. In the meantime, cultures thrived across the planet that had no access to the Adam and Eve story. These cultures had their own interpretation of the symbolism of the serpent. Interestingly enough, snakes were often associated with fertility, birth, life and eternity. They also have access to hidden things, hidden information, and secrets. I'm not really seeing any culture that views snakes as evil, or vessels for the evil lord Satan. Source

So let's put two and two together here. A snake tempts Eve to eat the fruit, become mortal, introduce pain and suffering into the earth, lose her innocence perhaps through sex and be ejected from the Garden of Eden. Ok. And snakes have long mythology of being associated with fertility, birth, life and eternity. Sounds to me like one clever creature. Sounds to me like that creature's temptation served Eve to fulfill a commandment to multiply and replenish the Earth.
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Let's change gears. I want to return to the vision I had as I pondered Adam and Eve several days ago.

If I'm in a room, a normal room, let's say I'm in your bedroom, and I shine a really bright spotlight in the room, what happens to the darkness? Does it disappear? Think about it.

I argue that darkness does not disappear. It gathers. It gathers into deeper, darker shadows. The more light I shine, the harder it is to see into the shadows. The shadows in that room become impenetrable. Now if I take everything out of the room, and it's empty, sure, there will be almost no shadow, just feint shadows on the walls, but what good is an empty room? An empty room is beside the point. I want a fullfillinig room, so it has to have substance.

Do we agree that the shadow gathers into deep, dark shadows?

Now, let's say I take that light away. What happens to the darkness? It spreads all over the room. And there's always enough darkness to go around. All light WILL leave the room. There is such a thing as pure dark. There is no such thing as pure light, unless it is actively and equally shined from every possible angle, with no objects to block the light.

It's interesting about darkness, isn't it? And the more accustomed we become to light, the harder it is to penetrate and see into darkness. The less light there is, the more perceptible darkness becomes.

Darkness is like a teenager. The harder you fight against it, the more mysterious it becomes. But you can't leave it unattended or it will take over everything. You have to find a balance with it. Enough light so that you can function, but little enough light that you can look into it and see what's there.
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So let's go back to the Garden of Eden. Oh, everything in the Garden was oh so light, oh so bright. Everything was so bright and so perfect, that let's pretend darkness got cornered into one spot. Darkness was cornered into the holes of the earth. The rabbit holes, the gopher holes, etc. Now mythologically the serpent can be seen as a messenger from the underground. A messenger from the Earth. God (male diety) created Earth (female diety), to be the womb of his creations. Likewise, Adam (male) was given Eve (female) to be the womb of his posterity. Light (male) gives us an opportunity to see into the dark wombs of our souls (female) so that we can become enlightened and we can learn and grow. So the serpent, messenger of the dark underworld, crawls upon Mother Earth, once Father Sky has given his commandment, and approaches the woman. Says "Yo, if light keeps darkness cornered like this there will never be the power of life on this planet. You gotta let the dark (female) mingle with the light (male) so that this Earth serves it's purpose."

If Adam's rib had always stayed inside of his body, he never would have had a fertile womb to gestate his posterity. The rib had to come out. The rib becomes female. Likewise, the darkness of the Earth's womb had to be allowed to roam on Earth. Mother Earth sent her umbilical cord (serpent) to connect to her child (Eve) and teach her how to own her power as a woman.

Eve partook of the fruit, and instantly light and darkness existed in a balance upon the Earth! The seen and the unseen mingled! The unconscious - Adam and Eve's innocent souls - connected to their minds, their egoes, and they realized they were naked! It was like Eve plugged in and everything finally sprang to life AND death! What a miracle!

And for those of us believing this all has to do with sex, that's fantastic. Think about it: the light (phallus) enters darkness (womb) and the balance of the two, the partnership of opposites creates new life. Bingo!
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And so now we live in a world of darkness and light. We're on this crusade, it seems, to destroy darkness and live only in light. Sounds flat and boring to me. Not only that, we all know that darkness doesn't destroy, it just gathers. Is it any wonder that the world has lived primarily in patriarchal order for so many years? It is any wonder that pagan religions of Europe who celebrated the Goddess are considered "dark and evil" by patriarchal cultures - cultures obsessed with "overcoming darkness?" Funny! Darkness isn't here to be overcome! It's here to be explored! It's here to feed creativity (womb) and imagination! The most effective way of exploring darkness is by approaching it with some light. Balance. Balance. Balance.

As a woman, by the way, I am NOT insinuating that because women are represented by darkness that is makes them evil. To associate darkness with evil is to completely miss the point of this blog. Darkness is simply the counterbalance to light. Period. This association with women is cross-cultural anyways. In Greek mythology Apollo and Artemis were twins, with Apollo (male) ruling the sun, and Artemis (female) ruling the moon. Women's menstruation follows closely the cycles of the moons as well. And there's no missing the physiolocial fact that male genitalia is outside of the body (exposed to light) while female genitalia is hidden inside of her body (darkness). Etc, etc.


One last image that I'd like to share from the Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot. The Devil card. Notice its similarities to the Lovers card presented above. Notice, if you dare, that both male and female are equally at risk of choosing bondage in life. It's not about the serpent. It never is. In fact, these two people could easily free themselves from bondage - their chains are not tight. But they are comfortable here, so comfortable, in fact, that they're naked - nothing to hide. These two have never had their consciousness awakened - they're still staring blankly off into space. I imagine this card representing Adam and Eve had they stayed in the Garden. Neutralized, simplified, unprogressing. If you stare too long at the sun, your eyes go blind. If you stare too long at the sun and go blind ... darkness wins and takes over. You lose light forever.
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God asks Adam and Eve what happened. Eve says "the serpent beguiled me." God curses Eve and the serpent. Eve is told to be accountable to her husband. Sounds like a perfect ending for a patriarchal story. Sounds like the reaction of a male diety. Does it change my feelings about the story? Nope. Our Earth carries the burdens of rainforests AND deserts. She lives in a constant balance of light AND darkness. She allows seasons of summer AND winter. All at the same time, all at once. In a perfect balance. Feel free to call that a curse, I call it a beautiful miracle, and I enjoy climbing her mountains and living in her valleys.


Her deep pains of labor, much like a woman's childlabor, is her opportunity to explore pain and sacrifice. Her connection to these depths are like the mysteries of the ocean. The serpent crawls upon it's belly, it's "curse," keeping ever in close contact with the womb of all life ("From dust to dust...").


Well, whatever. Call it a curse. That's ok. I'm still awed and honored to be a part of it!

Our Mother Earth : High Priestess meets the Empress

Yesterday I sat in one of my final intuition classes with my incredible coach Marinna Siri, focusing on communicating with Mother Earth. I was challenged (as was the rest of my class) to connect to "Mother Earth". Ahhhh the GREAT GODDESS!

Ok, so we all started focusing on opening our chakras, allowing an intuitive channel. And as members of the class began to share their experiences I made contact.

The first thing She - the GREAT She - had to say to me was, "Why are you calling me mother? Is that all I am to you? Someone to cuddle you, clean you, feed you, nurture you? Am I nothing else?" I've had a previous conversation with Her where She has asked me to stop calling her Mother Earth. She even gave me a name : Sahashara - which happens to be the Sanscrit name for the crown chakra. But naturally, as a social creature of culture, I promptly returned to calling her the more known "Mother Earth."

This question, though left me surprised at myself. Why was I calling her mother? How would I feel about EVERYONE calling ME mother? (For the record I have no children right now.) More so, how would I feel about being expected to mother everyone. Yuck. Blech vomit vomit. There is nothing less appealing to me than being in a room chock full of children who's parents are inattentive, and these children expecting me to mother them. And I LOVE children. But I don't ever want to be identified in life as simply a "mother." (Mother meets astrophysicist, sure.)

But seriously, when was the last time you referred to Mother Earth as "Mother meets Weatherwoman" or whatever?

Recently I read a book by Jean Shinoda Bolen called "Goddesses in Everywoman." (Ironically her featured book today is called "Urgent Message From Mother" - what are the odds?). In the book she loosely follows Jungian psychology to identify the 7 main archetypes of a woman's psyche and outlines those archetypes using the stories of 7 Greek Goddesses. It's an incredible book and I recommend it to everyone. You see, Demeter is Mother Earth. She's the nurturer, the one who brings harvest, the one who obsesses over caring for children, caring for the elderly, etc. But Demeter is only 1 of the 7 faces of the Great Goddess.

And so "Mother" is one of the many appropriate titles for our Goddess Earth.

And now we get to Tarot (thank God!). In Tarot, the Great Goddess is divided into two characters, two Major Arcana cards (though She shows Her faces throughout the deck). Card #2, the High Priestess, and Card #3, the Empress. The Empress is traditionally pictured (I am currently calling Rider-Waite imagery the "tradition" which I know some consider a faux pas), ahem, she's traditionally pictured outdoors, sitting very relaxed in a comfortably flowing gown, arguably pregnant, with pomegranates and golden wheat symbolizing her fertility. She is Mother Earth in all of her Demeter qualities. And our culture tends to leave Her there. But that's the Empress -card number 3. Before the Goddess was ever the Empress, She was the High Priestess.

The High Priestess is pictured indoors, seated between two pillars (labeled for two pillars in the temple at Jerusalem). She has a curtain of behind her that hangs from the two pillars. And behind that curtain is a great mystery. She holds a scroll or a book entitled "Tora" - perhaps representing the mysteries of the Jewish Bible. The High Priestess is the inner woman, the inner Great Goddess. She is no Mother. In fact, the High Priestess in Greek Mythology was Persephone, Queen of the Underworld. And, not coincidentally, Persephone is the Daughter of Demeter. Before the Goddess was ever a mother, she was a daughter and a queen.

The High Priestess is, as is Persephone, the gatekeeper to the underworld, or that is, the unconscious. She is the agent who grants us passage into our deepest selves. She gives you passage to the moonworld, the world ruled by Artemis - the fearless huntress.

Think about this. Water symbolically represents emotions. The most significant water on our planet is ruled by the moon - that is to say, the ocean's tides are controlled by the moon. One cannot look into the depths of raging waters, but only into the depths of relatively still water. The same way, emotions are controlled by our inner selves, not our rational selves. Not the Empress who sits outdoors, but by the High Priestess who lives within. Raging emotions must be stilled before they can be understood, and the moon, or Priestess, is the gatekeeper to still waters.

The Earth is 70%-ish water. Our bodies are 70%-ish water. As I was intuitively connecting to "Mother" Earth yesterday, she reminded me that we only occupy 30% of her surface. That is to say, she is only 30% our Mother. The other 70%, of her surface, the gateway to the deep, dark, mysterious depths of her, are covered in water. The doorway to her other 70% is guarded by the Queen of the Underworld. The Goddess before she became the Mother.

Have I lost you? The bottom line is this: we oversimplify the Goddess every time we say "Mother" Earth. Tarot shows this - it defines her using two cards, two faces. This is a mirror of our culture. How many of us squeeze ourselves into one role in life? How many of us feel "wicked" for not feeling like the Empress at all times? How many of us consider it a guilty pleasure to explore the underworld of our consciousness?

It's not healthy. It's not natural. And bottom line, to limit oneself is an illusion anyways. Our best example of the this is the very planet we live upon. Who are we to say we are masters of it - we who are land-dwellers by nature. Sure technology can get us up into the air, or down into the water, but we as a species are not capable of living, as a species, in water or in the air. We are land-dwellers and we are truly masters of only one of her elements: Land (Earth). We limit her to this, because we feel limited.

Perhaps, if we broaden our perspective of her, and of all things, especially ourselves, we will evolve.