Dreaming of Failed Triathlons

Last night I had a most vivid and frustrating dream. I almost never remember my dreams, and even less frequently do the feelings from my dreams pervade my life. But last night was different.

For the past year I have been actively training and participating in Triathlons. I've just recently lost some weight, and so they are more fun than ever, and I'm getting more competitive with them which is very fulfilling. I train for the races with my sister, Sunny Jo. She is very athletic and keeps me on my toes. We almost always race together too and she always beats me :D

My dream started off with me standing in line inside of a barn waiting for my turn to start a triathlon in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. In the barn came a little stream of water, kind of like a deep canal, with a current. This is where I would start the swim portion of the race. When it came my turn to jump in, I was given a floaty and a paddle. I hesitated - since when do you do a triathlon with a floating seat and a paddle? I noticed the water had a current. But I jumped on the seat and started paddling away.

Everyone else ahead of me in the race was casually floating down this wide canal as I vigorously paddled past them. I was excited to be passing so many people. No one else was paddling but me. There were spectators all around cheering us on.

Normally, a sprint tri will have a 300-900 meter swim. I would say this one was closer to 150 meters in the water. Before I knew it, the current turn and I was carried back to the barn and I had passed a LOT of people. Now was the time to put on my helmet and cycling shoes and take off for the cycling portion of the race - the funnest part for me!

My bike was sitting in the barn amongst some hay and dust, and there were only 3 or 4 other bikes there (usually in a tri the "transition" area has hundreds of bikes - one for each participant). I found my race number and snapped it around my waist, but for the life of my I couldn't find my helmet and shoes. I kept looking down and finding my running shoes on. I'd sit down, take them off, and look for my cycling shoes. Then, a few seconds later, I'd look down and my running shoes would be on again. Arg! It's SO important in a race to HURRY during the transitions. Probably for 3 hours of my sleep I was desperately looking for my cycling equipment. In the dream only like 40 minutes had passed, but in 40 minutes I should have been almost done with the race, not looking for my shoes! I remember that I started my swim before my sister Sunny, and during transition as I searched for my shoes, she passed me.

Finally I found them. I put them on and hopped on my bike and headed out for the bike ride... only to find that the path wasn't marked. There were spectators everywhere and nowhere did I see anyone else on a bike or a sign that said "BIKE -->" or anything like that. I rode my bike down the sidewalks, up the boardwalks, and through the crowds, but could never find the route. Once, I though I'd found it and I biked as hard as I could up a hill. The road seemed unreasonably rocky and steep. I kept wondering if I'd misread the information about the race and if the bike was a "trail ride" and if I should have brought a mountain bike instead of a road bike. But when I got to the top of the hill, my breath was taken away by the Tetons - it was the most spectacular mountain scene I'd ever seen - and the path I was on split in 1,000 directions - none of them marked for the race. I thought to myself, "Yes, this is beautiful scenery ... but I'm not here for scenery. I'm here for my race. And where the hell is my trail?!?!"

I rode my bike back down the hill and around for a little while longer. I had a moment of clear thought where I thought to myself, "You know, none of this would have happened, none of these surprises would have challenged me, if I'd come early and walked the course with a guide before the race."

I kept seeing people finish the run - it was obvious where the run started and ended - if ONLY I could find the bike trail!

At last I gave up, hopped off my bike and decided to start the run, if just only to "finish the race." When I got my running shoes on and left the barn, the race was over, spectators were cleaning up and leaving, and the "RUN --->" signs had all been taken down. I was FURIOUS. I found my phone and called Sunny. She answered asking if I was at home. "AT HOME!?!?!" I asked. "I'm here at the race with YOU! How did you forget about me?!?! Where the hell is the bike route?!?!"

Sunny Jo found me and was trying to calm me down. She explained that for her the bike route had been perfectly clear and obvious and she didn't know why I'd had such a hard time finding it. She took me outside and showed me one of the signs marking the bike path. I'd been looking for a great big sign that said, "BIKE --->" and the one she showed me was a little piece of paper with a strip of road drawn on it. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable sign. I hadn't even noticed it once.

I told her that even though I didn't finish the race, at the very least I wanted my T-shirt. We went to go grab it but they'd run out of my sizes, and I had to settle for a men's shirt. When we returned to grab my stuff to leave, my bike was missing and we couldn't find it anywhere.

At this point I was going totally crazy, and beginning to wake up. I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, lay back down, and would instantly be asleep and irate in my dream. Then I'd stir, pet my cat, close my eyes and be back in the barn frantically searching for my bike. I was going to find the race director and chew him out. I was going to yell at every spectator. I was furious, humiliated and utterly confused. What was the DEAL with this race?!?!?!

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I'm wondering what this dream means for me in my life. Surely there's something I can learn from it! Here are some possibilities:

1. I have been building up to something in my life, working towards it, and I'm incapable of achieving it because I have expectations of how it should look. And I'm blinded by the fact that it looks different. (ie - the swim was on floaties with paddles, the sign marking the bike path being different, etc.)

2. I have been working really hard to achieve something and at the last minute I fail to put in enough effort - at the last minute I get proud and cut corners, and it spells my failure (ie I should have come a little early and walked the course.)

3. I'm so focused on the stupid and pointless races in life that I can't enjoy the true miracles and beauty that are surrounding me (ie the Tetons being so beautiful)

That one feels the least true though, because my desire to do the race is not stupid, and I love racing so a pretty mountain is no more important than a race.

4. There's no point in surrounding myself with beautiful scenery if inside I'm tangled with frustration and lonliness

5. I'm mistaking the challenges in my life for triathlons, when really they're something more like "floating in the current on a floaty" - am I overtraining in my life?

That's a hard question for me though, because what's wrong with training for a triathlon and wanting to compete in one? There's nothing innately wrong about it - but what's wrong is when I show up to a fun-athlon and get frustrated and angry and lonely and I fail because of it.

6. If I keep looking down and seeing my running shoes on my feet, and I can't find my cycling shoes, and everyone else is running - maybe it's a sign that I need to forget the cycling and go for a run! Am I too stuck on following "rules and order" in my life instead of choosing flow? Am I paddling down the current instead resting and allowing life to carry me?

I think lots of these could be true for my. My sister Crystal does spirit guide readings - like she psychically speaks to spirits/energies that are assigned as guides in our lives. Kind of like talking to your guardian angel for you. Some of my guides in my life are silly little Sprites. Every time Crystal does a reading for me, and asks my guides to give me, well, guidance, the Sprites say over and over, "Tell her to have more fun in life! Stop taking life so seriously!"

Is this dream giving me the same message? Am I not taking time in my life to relax and be led, because I'm so determined to do everything the "right" way?

I'll be honest with you: It's still a mystery to me. But I'm trying to work through it, which is why I'm writing it down. It's therapeutic, ya know?

If you have any extra insights, let me know! :D