On Sin, Evil and the Existence of God

A friend of mine initiated a Facebook discussion about "sin" the other day.  I initially ignored the post, but today when I saw 73 comments on it, I was intrigued.  What were people saying about sin?

This particular friend of mine was raised LDS (Mormon), as I was, and recently decided to end her participation with the religion (as I did almost seven years ago).  I was curious to see what her Facebook audience looked like - how much of the commentary would come from her old world of religious conservatives, and how much would come from her newer world of airy-fairy hippies?  I read through all of the comments and noted there was about 50/50 of the two perspectives, which made the discussion lively, varied and interesting.

Also, as I read the comments, I found myself anxious to get involved in the conversation, because so much of it seemed like nonsense to me, and my inner zealot was dying to call belief systems out.  I did eventually post, and I'm pretty pleased with the thoughts I shared, but have found myself the rest of this evening fixating on the questions raised in the discussion.  So now you, dear readers, get to enjoy my diatribe of self-righteous thought.  Hooray!

What is sin?

Sin is generally understood to be a transgression against God's law.  This, of course presupposes the existence of a God, and that such a God has laws.  What are God's laws?  We don't get to know that, but we are expected to figure it out from old books that have gone through hundreds of translations at the hands of known oppressors.  People don't generally bother to figure that out, though, so they just trust random other people who say they know what God wants for them.

Does this God actually exist?  Again, we don't get to know that.  We're supposed to just trust that "he" does.  Which, of course, makes it seem very suspicious when we're told that this God is benevolent and likes us.  Why the wild goose chase for information that is crucial for our return to our "loving father?"  Why the mysterious absence of presence or evidence?  If I really love someone, I let them know how to get in touch with me and how to find me, and I don't set up tests and traps to see if they really want to find me.  I don't respond to them with a sense about me, I respond to them with communication they can clearly understand or by my presence.

Something is very amuck with this line of thinking.

So what is sin?  It's breaking a law you can't know that upsets someone un-upsettable that may or may not actually exist.  Basically, "sin" is nonsense.

I'll tell you what I think sin is.  I think sin is a human construct to control others through fear.  I think human beings over a long period of time found that their families and tribes worked best when people behaved in pro-social ways, and so leaders decided what behaviors were acceptable and unacceptable, and attributed this code of behavior to some unquestionable, unencounterable supernatural force, so that everyone in their tribe, family or society would stop asking questions and just behave as directed.

There's nothing innately wrong with these superstitious codes of behavior.  Survival of our species is contingent upon social structure - in order to survive, we must have social codes of behavior.  It is questionable, though, why a lie or superstition is necessary to instill social codes of behavior.

Most likely, the lies and superstition are necessary to justify the psychological impact "sin" has on human minds.  Sin makes us afraid.  Sin makes us believe that someone very powerful, whom we want to impress - God - is watching our every move and keeping a tally on our behaviors.  If we measure up to his demands - which we're told is inherently impossible - we have the privilege of being long-term friends with this powerful being.  If we don't measure up, we lose everything.  If we're sad and sorry that we don't measure up, this being may have mercy on us and let us come over for dinner anyway.  This being actually kind of sounds like an egomaniacal dick, come to think of it.

This construct of needing to please God is a scary thing to consider.  A lot is at stake.  What if I fuck it up?  Will he have mercy on me, pity me, and let me come around, or will he cut me off?  When human beings are afriad, they lose some of their power, and become controllable and psychologically malleable.  So if you're looking to control how someone thinks or behaves, it's a useful approach to scare the shit out of them.  That is what sin does.  Hooray.

Thus, sin is not only a man-made construct that scares people into submission and obedience, but a destructive one because it kills human independence of thought.  Social order is critical for our survival, but the expense of independence of thought is a much higher price to pay than is necessary.

Whatever - sin is real!  My conscience tells me so!

I'm going to start this section with an emphatic declaration that I don't really believe that humans have a conscience either.  How do you like that?

Humans are raised by other humans who, from birth, teach the rules of social behavior.  We use religion and other superstitions to do this, along with manners and language skills.  Since a human being cannot physically survive for many years without the help of another human being, these rules of social behavior become hard-coded into our minds at a very early age.  If I want to eat and stay warm, I have to depend on this female human I call mom.  I better follow her rules, or else she may eject me and I will die.  One of her rules is that I not harm and show affection and camaraderie to this male human called my brother.  And so on.  These are obviously not conscious thoughts, but subconscious ones.  The behaviors are adopted and become natural so quickly that we call them second-nature and instinctive.  That instinct is what I think our "conscience" is.

Human beings are also hard-wired for social, tribal interaction in general.  So our minds and feelings will generally direct us in behaviors that serve the tribe we identify with, even at the expense of other tribes, because we need our tribe to survive.  Prosocial wiring is another of these natural instincts that make up our "conscience."  I don't think there is anything mystical or magical about this, and there is no divine decree that sings in our hearts to make us feel or do things that are prosocial.  I think it is biological and evolutionary.

But what about evil?  Some deeds, some people, some ideas are simply evil!

Again, I'll start this section stating my belief that there is no such thing as evil.  "Evil" is a boogeyman that we are taught to fear so that we remember to behave pro-socially.  It isn't necessary, though, because we are already hard-wired to behave pro-socially, and taught the nuances of our particular communities' pro-social rules by our tribes.

Evil actions or ideas seem to stem from poor pro-social training by a tribe.  If a community does not adequately impress upon an individual the meaningfulness and benefits that come from belonging to a cohesive social unit, an individual may decide upon becoming relatively independent that they do not need a tribe.  And so their decisions and actions are based solely on their own best interest.

Most often, in these situations, the individual has been traumatized or damaged by their tribe or some member(s) of it.  Therefore, their best interest is interpreted as inhibiting, punishing or destroying the offending tribe or member(s).  If their efforts are successful, it is tagged in their brain that such behaviors and tactics are important for their survival, and they begin forming habits of returning to those behaviors and tactics.

The majority of actions deemed evil are antisocial behaviors, and specifically ones that infringe on other people's pursuits in meeting their needs.  Therefore, no dark force has entered a person's soul or mind and is tempting them for wickedness, that person has simply either voluntarily or involuntarily become antisocial.  They have turned on their tribe,  and that offends pro-social humans.

There is no need to tie this information to God or God's Law or any other superstition.  It makes sense on its own without resorting to fear tactics.

So what, if there's no good or evil, and no sin, what's to stop us from all becoming mass-murdering rapists?

You may note that there are statistically very few mass-murdering rapists in the world.  The majority of them were exposed in childhood to long-term antisocial tribes and persons, or have chemical or neurological imbalances in their bodies.  And, you may also note, that there are statistically significant populations of athiests and agnostics that are no more antisocial in their behaviors than religious folk.  In fact, a large number of wars, hate behaviors, and other antisocial activities are directly caused by the name of God.

What stops us from becoming mass-murdering rapists is our natural craving for social participation.  I don't kill people, or generally steal or lie to them, because if I did it would affect my standing in my tribe and community.  That alone is reason enough for me to refrain from it.  I also have no personal needs that would be fulfilled by engaging in those behaviors, so they don't interest me.  When other people engage in those behaviors, I am outraged about it because it affects the climate of my tribe, and I want my tribe to be a place of security.  If my social group allows one person to destroy a human life, for example, my life suddenly becomes threatened.  I am not ok with that.

Human beings are also generally empathetic, meaning they can project themselves with imagination into another person's situation and ascertain how the other person may be feeling.  When we exercise empathy, we generally ask ourselves, "How would I like to feel what I imagine that person is feeling?"  If we do not want to feel what they are likely feeling, we sense a danger to our own well-being and happiness and demand restitution for that person.

None of this requires superstitious belief.  The vast majority of human beings either act with empathy, self-preservation, and social-preservation instincts naturally, and the majority of those who don't have them naturally are taught how to by pro-social training in their childhood.  Some people fall through the cracks, or turn to antisocial behavior because of traumatic experiences.  The trick to encouraging pro-social behavior in these people is to convince them that being part of a society or tribe is freaking awesome.  That is done by being pro-social towards them and superceding any antisocial beliefs or past traumas with fresh new experiences of beneficial social inclusion.

We, as a society, are responsible for all antisocial behavior, because we, as a society, have not convinced individuals that being pro-social is worth it.  Human beings need very little love, acceptance, forgiveness and teamwork to feel like belonging to a society kicks ass.  If they haven't experienced that, something has gone very wrong with all of us.  This isn't something we can just write off as "evil" - it's something we must actively fix to keep our magical little micro-cultures intact.  We must "sell" society to each person that enters it, so they lovingly bless it with their participation and cooperation, and also get the massive benefits in return.

This basically sounds like you're arriving at the same ends as most religious belief/teaching, so why the hostility when we're all working towards the same goal?

My hostility towards sin, evil, God and other general religious tenets is tied to the antisocial behavior of scaring the shit out of people through fear-based constructs.  I lived many years in careful fear of God and his law, and it did a great job of programming my mind for guilt, self-deprication and hate towards everyone and everything in life.  I am still working to reprogram my mind, belief systems and instincts towards hopefulness and enjoyment instead of fearfulness, competition and quiet resentment.

Religious institutions are generally antisocial because they demand submission and obedience, which is social programming that denigrates the individuals that make up the society.  "Obey God's law or he'll cut you off" is pure scariness for human beings, and scared human beings do not a happy healthy society make.  (And please note that phrasing it more kindly like "God blesses the obedient" does not remove the message that one is constantly at risk of disappointing the one mysteriously absent being who can save them.)

Also, drawing a hard, fast line between "good" and "evil" draws a hard, fast line between members of a tribe or society who are socially compatible despite their differences, but religiously segregated into holy and unholy camps.  Divisions  destroy societies; unity, empathy and compassion feed the human spirit and by extension the tribes that we naturally live in.  Fear literally makes people crazy; acceptance makes them cooperative.  Why control people when they're perfectly willing to cooperate!?!

Who are you to argue like this, when your blog talks about God and your own "superstitious" beliefs all of the time?!

This is a good question.  I doubt my superstitious beliefs all of the time - which is the only reason I'm willing to have them.  Right now I'm going through a non-superstitious period.  It's nice that my beliefs don't require that I be loyal to them, I get to question them and put them through the ringer whenever I want to.  This is likely because my beliefs are not tied to an institution, I live on a daily cafeteria-plan.  I don't serve my beliefs, they serve me.

You may be surprised to read, at this point, that I actually do believe in a God ... of sorts.  Not like any Judeo-Christian man-god, my God is abstract nothingness that has no opinion of my actions or behaviors - or anyone else's - and supports my decisionmaking with unconditional love and acceptance.  I can do anything and my God wouldn't be disillusioned with me one iota.  I generally choose to not engage in antisocial behavior not because I need God's approval (I don't and I have it anyways), but to get approval from my fellow embodied human friends and family and society.  I don't resent my fellow humans for asking me to be pro-social in my behavior, because I like living in a society.  I like having a family and a tribe.  I don't actually see any tradeoff happening, because most antisocial behavior is totally disinteresting, and prosocial behavior has massive payoffs. 

I wish everyone felt like being pro-social was win-win.  Instead we are taught - we are actually TOLD - that it is a SACRIFICE!  And so we believe that we're doing the world a favor by being nice or friendly or helpful, and that our reward will only come from God in some afterlife.  That's so stupid!  Society pays its own rewards and bountifully!  If you don't already realize it, having a loving dysfunctional family, a passionate love-hate romantic relationship, a circle of friends that make any task joyful and simultaneously make us absolutely annoyed - those things are the Kingdom of Heaven.  We don't have to be perfect for these people - they like us anyway!  And we secretly adore their flaws!  They help us, and they love us, and we get to love them because they need us as much as we need them.  We get our fun fixes, our drama fixes, our moments of terror and our moments of world-shattering love from them - that's everything folks!  There's nothing more out there to experience or have.  We get the full gamut from the people already around us.

So be pro-social.  Love your society.  Realize how obsessed you are with belonging here (because you really are totally obsessed with it, as am I), and embrace your healthy obsession instead of resenting and fearing it.  Stop giving power to oppressive ideas like sin or evil - those ideas are intended to conquer and control you.  You don't need to be conquered or controlled because you are a willing member of society.

And finally, stop attributing the problems in our society to some secret dark force.  We are the problem and we are the solution.  Feel strongly inclined towards antisocial behavior?  Get a therapist and figure out where you were wronged, what misinformation you were fed, and start looking for tribes and friends that will pay out the social trust fund that you're entitled to.  Worried about a friend or relative who exhibits antisocial tendencies?  SELL THEM ON SOCIETY.  Make them feel how amazing it is to be loved, accepted and contributing.  Help them find friends that they actually connect with and feel they get a social payout with.

And that's all, I think.

--steps off soapbox--

Spritual Memoir #10: The Winter of my Mormon Mission

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite deck

Tarot Card: The Hermit

Card number 9 of the Major Arcana of the tarot. 
(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Sometimes the path is to stand outside in the cold and hold up our light, unwavering and unafraid..."

Aha!  Ask and ye shall receive ... I've been wanting to do a Major Arcana card, and mentioned this desire in my last Spiritual Memoir post, and I got it on my very next draw.  Hooray!  Plus, I love the Hermit card!  It's one that I can really relate to (because I'm really a bearded old man ... well, maybe on the inside... :) .

The Hermit has a traditional meaning of seeking truth by taking time in solitude and asking oneself the "hard" questions.  I love that meaning, but today, I'm seeing a different angle for him.  As I look at these Hermit cards I have posted in the blog, I get a sense of the silent drudgery that is sometimes the path for truth-seekers.  Sometimes it's magic and sparkles and dramatic senses of connection and power ... but often, as we are on the path of learning about ourselves and mastering our lives, we stand outside, in the cold, alone, holding up the lamps of truth that only gently light the way. And, the tarot teaches us, that is a relevant and powerful part of the experience.

I love the Hermit card from the Tarot of the Magical Forest (below).  I love the bear - I love the symbolism of the bear fattening up so it can go hibernate in its cave.  But I can't help but wonder why he isn't in his cave yet?  Has he not found it, or is he intentionally weathering the winter without turning his brain off during hibernation?  I get the impression he's deliberately stepping outside of normal bear-ness, and standing in his greater truth: "My mind will stay on, my eyes will stay open, and I will consciously weather this storm."  

Tarot of the Magical Forest deck

In general, in the tarot, nine cards represent solitary ventures, and being with oneself.  Both the nine of cups and the nine of pentacles show individual, independent success; the nines of swords and wands depict individual torment.  True to form, the Hermit as card #9 of the Major Arcana represents the Mother of individual quests: that of facing the dark, cold night in solitude, but with the light of truth ever flickering in hope and subtle warmth.

Spiritual Memoir: The Hermit
As I've stated in previous posts, like THIS one, I never wanted to serve a "mission" for the LDS (Mormon) Church, but did, because I didn't know what else to do with my life.  This memoir will tell you a little about the invaluable experience I had during those challenging 18 months, and how feeling totally isolated and alone in a spiritual and emotional winterland gave me a powerful Hermit experience.

To start, I want to make it totally clear that my experience as a missionary was completely atypical!  Almost every other person I've talked to that served missions scratch their head in amazement at how unusual my experience was from the start.  If you don't know what a Mormon missionary is, THIS LINK will give you a quick rundown.  I went to Santiago, Chile for my mission.  Note, that as a missionary, I spent 18 months with every second of every day dictated to me of how I could dress, who I could and could not talk to, what I could read or listen to, when to wake up and go to bed, etc.  

For some reason, I had the understanding that on my mission, I would basically be hanging out with non-participatory members of the Church only, working to entice them to engage back into a "Mormon" lifestyle.  I had no idea that I was expected to approach strangers on the street and ask them if I could come into their home and teach them my religion.  (I thought that girls didn't "proselytize").  Upon entering the Missionary Training Center, both of my teachers were off of work - one was on her honeymoon, and the other injured his knee.  Since I already spoke Spanish, I was basically there just to learn "how to be a missionary", but without teachers, my little class just sat around and drew Ninja Turtles on the white board for three weeks.  

When I arrived in Chile, I was assigned a Uruguayan companion (whom I had to spend 24/7 with and whose side I could not leave under any circumstances) who did not speak any English, and whose culture was very different from mine.  She told me the first day that we were going to walk up to some guy on the street, engage him in conversation, and ask if he we could come to his house and teach him our religion - and that it was my turn to talk, I had to do the whole thing with her standing silently by my side.  

"No," I said resolutely.  "Absolutely not - I'm an introvert, I don't walk up to random people and talk to them." 

She laughed.  "You'll be doing it every day for the next 18 months.  We have to make 20 street contacts a day between us," she replied.  

"Um, no," I responded.  After a few days of being told by the entire missionary system that my refusal to make street contacts was totally unacceptable (especially in the eyes of God), I prayed for help and started making street contacts.  Each and every time I made one, a little part inside of me died.

Crystal Visions Tarot

Enter my desperate, lonely journey into the cold wilderness of the Hermit.  

After six weeks I was moved to a different part of town, and had a new companion.  To this day we are the best of friends.  It helped to have my constant companion be someone who understood my background and culture.  We still obeyed all of the rules and took our work seriously, and it was heaven to be in the presence of such an awesome person (I LOVE YOU KATIE), and I prayed and prayed and fasted and worked with faith to have some type of understanding of why I hated everything about being a missionary (they say that God will open your heart and give you peace if you do stuff like this).  Nothing happened, and when Katie and I were separated, a bigger chunk of me died inside.

For a year of my mission, I pushed and tried and "let go" and obeyed, obeyed, obeyed.  Every time we invited a person to be baptized a member of the Church and they said no, I exhaled a sigh of relief - I felt like the church just complicated the already challenging lives of the good people we taught.  For a year I wandered in the dark cold wilderness of the Hermit, completely alone, and without any light (meaning: I didn't have the little lamp yet).  In fact, it felt like all others had gone into a safe cave to hibernate, and I couldn't sleep, and found myself completely alone and awake in the dark cave.  After a year, I was assigned to train a new missionary as my companion, a sweet gal from Peru.  In this case, I was supposed to be the strong one, insisting she make the street contacts.  She was afraid to, totally understandably.  But with the responsibility of pushing her falling on my soldiers, I had an emotional breakdown.  I began to have extreme social anxiety, and every day would just wander the streets with her in silence, trying to hold in my tears.  We'd go home for lunch, and I'd tell her I was going to pray in the bedroom, and just bury my face on my bed and sob for as long as I could get away with.

I talked to the Mission authorities, and they said, "Pray more, testify more, have more faith!"  So I did.  And nothing happened.  I never entered peaceful hibernation like the others, I never felt myself safe in the hands of God.  I was aware of my hunger and the painful loneliness of sitting in the dark cave.

Then, one day, while I was studying the scriptural canon of the church, I was praying for anything from God, any word of help/advice, and I flipped open my scriptures, pointed at a random verse and read the LDS scripture of Doctrine and Covenants 124:49.  It reads:

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings."

A bell went off in my head, and I felt the warm loving presence of God in my life.  It was like a warm, glowing lantern appeared in the cave for me.  It couldn't be!  Could my answer come in the form of a light (and not hibernation)?  What was I thinking!?!?  So I picked up a Church magazine that had a General Conference talk (or messages from Church leadership) on missionary work.  I was going to read the talk to pep myself up.  I flipped it open, and the first thing my eyes landed on was a sentence by Gordon B. Hinckley, then President of the Church that said:

"...I wish to say that the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve are united in saying to our young sisters that they are not under obligation to go on missions...."

I distinctly remember the quote being from a recent conference talk, but as I am researching it for this blog post, it looks like the quote is from 1997 (I was in Chile in 2004-2006).  So I don't know what that's all about.  But this is definitely the quote, because it goes on:

"We do not ask the young women to consider a mission as an essential part of their life's program. Over a period of many years, we have held the age level higher for them in an effort to keep the number going relatively small. Again to the sisters I say that you will be as highly respected, you will be considered as being as much in the line of duty, your efforts will be as acceptable to the Lord and to the Church whether you go on a mission or do not go on a mission." 

--"Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service"
Gordon B. Hinckley, 1997 October General Conference, full article HERE

Maybe what I read was a different talk that said the same thing - I'm surprised this isn't matching up like I thought it would (time-wise).  Anyway...  The next day I was allowed to check my email for messages from my family, and my mom, who is SUPER-DE-DUPER Mormon and pro-mission had written me a message along the lines of, "Honey, I'm worried that you are beginning to destabilize.  I want you to know if that if you decide to come home from your mission early, I'm totally ok with it - I want you to be happy and healthy, and it seems like you're deteriorating into a dangerous space."

Ok, three witnesses.  Three separate cases of me getting the message to GO HOME.  In the Scriptures it says messages from God come from the mouth of two or three witnesses - my prayers had been answered!  I went to my Mission President with the story.  This amazing man listened to my story and replied, "I can't argue with spiritual confirmations like that - let's get this ball rolling for you."  Yes!  Finally!  I felt like I'd taken up the lantern, and left the cave, and was going to brave the cold winter winds with my little light, and find my way to springtime and warmth.

Soon after, he contacted me and said protocol requires I see the mission psychologist.  

Dr. Hurst asked on our first meeting, "What is the problem?"  

"I think I'm not supposed to be here.  I haven't felt the 'spirit of God' since I got here, I hate everything about it - I think it's a big mistake.  I've been 100% obedient and pray every day asking for emotional/spiritual support ... and I feel worse and worse, like a sense of foreboding.  So I work harder, testify more, read more, sacrifice more, and I feel darker and deader inside.  Then, I got these answers that told me to go home.  I think I need to go home."

He didn't know how to respond to that, so he referred me to his boss.

I did telephone conferences with the head missionary psychologist in Salt Lake City, who informed me that I most likely needed to repent of a sexual sin that I was still holding on to.  That was hilarious to me, because I had my first kiss when I was 18, and after a six-month relationship where I lived in Ohio and he lived in Utah the whole time, and absolutely no sexual anything in our relationship, I had never even dated anyone again.  "You're barking up the wrong tree," I told the guy.  "I'm purer than Mother Mary."

My whole life I've had a tendency towards depression (never at that point medicated), but when I took a psychological profile test thing, I tested only 4% for depression - I didn't feel depressed so that made sense.  They put me on anti-depressants anyway though, because it would probably fix whatever it was inside my soul telling me to GET.OUT.  Um ... ?!?!?!

I was still in the wintery wilderness, I was still alone in my mind 99% of the time, cold and desperate and sad ... but I had my lantern.  And the lantern of God's gentle reassurance and love still glowed.  Nothing was putting it out.

All of this took about two months, and I finally started refusing to go out into the streets anymore.  They put me with several different companions, ranging from a senior couple (whom I LOVED) and another young girl missionary like myself who had health problems and couldn't proselytize for that reason (whom I LOVED).  But as time wore on, there was pressure from somewhere (Salt Lake, the Area Presidency?  I don't know from where) to get me back on the streets.

Finally, I told my Mission President that I was going home.  Period.  He told me that he'd arrange it, but as part of protocol, I need to meet with the Area Presidency for an "exit interview."

I met with Elder Carl Pratt.  I told him the same story, glowing in my delight at getting an answer, and feeling peaceful about God finally answering my prayers in a most unexpected way.  Everything was going to be ok - it was all happening for a reason!

Elder Pratt looked at me and said, "I don't know who you think you are, but this story is approaching blasphemy.  A Prophet of God called you to serve 18 months, to proselytize for 18 months.  Get.back.out.on.the.streets."

I was stunned.  "I can't!" I whispered with tears welling up in my eyes.  "I ... I can't!"

"You can and you will.  Stop this nonsense."

"But ... what about my spiritual confirmations?  What about everything I've been feeling and these physical manifestations of God's voice coming to me, through the scriptures and the voice of the Prophet's talk and my mom...?"

He cut me off.  "True spiritual revelation never contradicts what your Priesthood leaders tell you.  I am your Priesthood leader and I say get back out on the streets and do your work.  If you go home now, it will be a dishonorable release.  There is no back door here.  Get back out on the streets."  He excused me from the meeting.

I rushed back to my Mission President and told him everything.  The poor guy was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  He couldn't contradict his superior in the Church, but he also knew he couldn't put me back out on the streets.

I stood strong, in the harsh cold weather, holding fast to my lantern.  I knew what I knew.  And all that was happening was that the cold winds and icy snow were revealing themselves to me as cold and heartless and icy, as compared to the warmth and light of my lantern.

A few days later, my Mission President told me there was an opening in a PR missionary position at Chile's Church Headquarters, and because of my education in marketing he might be able to get me transferred over to the position.  He fought hard for me, and finally Elder Pratt said if I hit all of my numbers for street contacts and lessons being taught for a week - if I went back out on the streets for a week, he'd let me transfer over.  My sweet companion took charge and did all of the work for a week to make sure we hit our numbers.  I was transferred, and worked the last 4 months of my mission in a position that I enjoyed (though I did see a lot of the ugly underbelly of a bureaucratic, man-led religious institution).

In January 2006, I returned home honorably from my mission.  I stayed active in the Church for another six months, and even worked at Church World Headquarters in Utah for a few months, trying to stay loyal to and optimistic about the institution.  But when I realized that spring was popping up in the world around me, and this institution was holding me in a cold, brutal winter, I followed my inner lantern's guidance to the warmth of personal connection to the Divine.

For a few years, I was really bitter about my mission.  Today, I still see how it was a cold and cruel period in my life, but that it was the perfect opportunity for me to see the contrast between the cold silence of institutionalized spirituality and the warm lantern of a personal connection with Divine Source.  It opened my eyes and experience in a way that nothing else ever could.  I, standing completely alone, completely vulnerable, found and held my own light.

Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.

Spiritual Memoir #1: How I found Tarot

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Tarot Card: The Moon

Card 18 of the Major Arcana.  See pics in this post (from different decks).

My Interpretations of the Card

"Into the forbidden unknown"

Because the Moon card is in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, it represents a stage in the Hero's/Fool's Journey.  It is positioned between the Star and the Sun.  The Star represents a naked, vulnerable and trusting hopefulness, and the Sun represents a fulfillment of hope.  The Moon, between these two, represents the journey through the unknown.  But it isn't just the simple unknown, it is the forbidden unknown.  It is forbidden because there is a mystery and falseness about the moon, for it appears bright, but does not produce its own light, instead reflecting the light of sun.  Some would say that it steals the light of the sun, or falsely claims it like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The only way to find out if this is true, of course, is to experience it.  To step on that road, and taste it.

The moon can also seem undependable - some nights it shines, some days it shines; sometimes it's full, sometimes it's new (empty).  So there is an extent of chance, a gamble, with the moon.  Those who know its cycles, though, often find its shifting appearance to be magical and mystical, as opposed to a symbol of unreliability or even deviance.

Gilded Tarot 

In the Rider Waite deck's symbolism, the Moon card carries a hierarchical trilogy that is represented on many other cards, such as the Devil, the Lovers, the Hierophant or the Chariot (this is also represented in the Gilded Tarot's Moon card).  In these cards there is a balance of opposites, with a powerful, superseding force suspended above them.  The Moon card shows two identical towers, and two howling dogs on either side of a path leading from water into the mountains.  In the center above the path is the moon.  To me the Moon card looks like a balanced situation has reached its climax and that a new path must be taken - a mysterious new road where one leaves their familiar safety net behind.  The guiding force (the Moon) is not as reliable as the stars in the sky, including the sun, so before embarking on the journey the traveler must have a degree of self-confidence: if the moon disappears, and I have left my safety net behind, can I trust myself to pull through?  Will I be strong enough to follow no guidance other than my inner guidance?  Am I ready to take full ownership of my journey?

Spiritual Memoir: The Moon

I was kind of nervous about this first draw - would I know right away what to write about, or have to sit and ponder for a while for a spiritual experience that relates to whatever card I should draw?  Last night, I laid in bed, trying not to mentally scroll through all cards of the Tarot, preemptively matching up experiences from my life with each one.  I realized how big a number 78 was ... have I even had 78 spiritual experiences in my life?!?!  

This first draw, of course, will probably be the easiest for me, because I'm pulling from a full bank of experiences.  My personal story matching the Moon card popped right into mind.  It is, naturally, my story of beginning to read Tarot.

In the fall of 2007 I was working with my sisters to prepare for the opening of our metaphysical/new-age shop, and was also working full-time as a home loan processor.  I was 24 years old, and had just a year earlier renounced the Christian religion I'd been raised in (LDS/Mormon).  My sisters were on other spiritual paths, learning about Buddhism, being trained in Reiki, and reveling in crystals and angel readings, etc.  None of that stuff interested me; I mean, it was cool enough, but I had no desire to study or follow any of it.  They did instill in me a sort of superstition, though, with their obsession with the Law of Attraction.  

One day, bored at work and seeking entertainment, I looked up my horoscope online.  Then I clicked from here to there looking for a little more depth and information.  None of it really seemed like a match, or very interesting, so I just kept clicking around, from one link to another.  I got to a website that gave tarot readings, so I decided to give that a shot.  The website was http://www.facade.com/tarot (to this day this is the BEST automated tarot reading website out there!).  I asked the question "What's missing in my life?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled?"  I told it to pick a spread for me and pick a deck for me, and clicked the send button.

It came back with a one-card draw.  Today, I have no idea what deck it was from, or what card it was, but it was a black-and-white card with a picture of a scorpion on it.  I read the definition, (I have no idea what it said), and everything inside of my mind and heart became super quiet, like a vacuum - like outer space ... and my voice inside of my mind said quietly and clearly, "You need to make amends with your dad."  

My dad and I had, at that point, an adequate relationship.  I always resented that he demanded so much independence from us, so I kind of threw it back in his face and moved out when I was 17, and never really had a close conversation with him again.  We, for the most part, peacefully kept our distance from one another, and while there wasn't overt animosity, I kinda thought he was a jerk.  (More insight on this in THIS blog post.)  So this voice/reading in one way surprised me because I didn't see it coming, at all; but in another way it surprised me because it was SO right!  I could feel it suddenly, there in my heart: a longing for a closeness to my dad.  After hours and hours of searching online for something meaningful, I'd found the most powerful spiritual tool I'd ever personally experienced in my life: Tarot.

Tarot of the Cat People

So of course I immediately starting scouring the internet and reading everything I could about Tarot.  What is it?  How does it work?  What do the cards look like?  Oh, there are different kinds of decks?  I discovered the Tarot of the Cat People and decided I must have it, because I love cats!  I ordered it immediately online.  When the work day was over, I couldn't go home and do nothing - I had to get my hands on a Tarot deck, and start using it.  I drove to Barnes and Noble and got one of their generic little decks, and took it home.  My boyfriend at the time thought my passion was hilarious, and he teased me pretty relentlessly.  But I had to learn.  I had to find out how to get answers like that again.

I practiced Tarot for months: on myself, on my friends, on my cats, on anyone who would let me.  I consumed about 25 books, joined forums online, read every page of every website I could find, kept a scrupulous journal of my impressions and experiences.  The fever continued for about a year, and my love for it has never diminished.  I was reticent to do readings for money, but after several experienced friends from an online forum told me my readings were pretty damned good, I decided to go for it. ( http://www.tarotforum.net/ <-- best place to practice and learn Tarot.)

Tarot spawned my interested in archetypes, which led me to study of Jung.  It led me to studies of alchemy, astrology, numerology, druidism, animal totems and gnostic gospels.  It became a rock that I built a foundation of faith, study, and service on; allowing me to build and change my foundation as I saw fit, without impeding, requiring, commanding or taking anything.  Tarot is just there.  You make with it what you want, what you will.  

This relates to the Moon card, of course, because half of my world thought I was headed straight to the devil for taking this path.  Tarot was a mystery to them.  They thought (and some think still) that when I felt intuition using Tarot, it wasn't the light of God (sun), but the Devil's imitation of it (moon).  But I trusted, and stepped forward anyway.

The experience of discovering Tarot wasn't like the Star card, a hoping and trusting - it was a first step onto a mysterious journey where I was leaving behind my known world and seeking another.  It wasn't like the Sun card of joyous knowing and celebration - but a quest, a process, and it required me to get alone with me, to leave behind anything else I'd ever listened to in my life, and to step into the moonlit path of my inner knowing, my inner hearing.  Sometimes it's been fun and easy and delightful to just see clarity pop out of the cards, but often the reward is when the moon darkens, and I'm sitting alone on the path staring at a bunch of cards, and I have to struggle to find the meaning, I have to trust my steps in the darkness.  I find that I travel further under those circumstances that I would otherwise.  The moon is still there, even when it's new, it just isn't shining the light.  But it doesn't abandon.  It just gives us a little independence, pushes us to find our own lights.

For the record, for the past three years I have worked side by side running two businesses with my Dad.  We have become best friends. (See pics below!)

Me & Dad dancing at a business/social event in Dallas (2009)

Me & Dad at a business/social event in Washington DC (2010)

How I decided I was a Hindu

This is the content of an email I sent to a friend of mine about how I came to declare Hinduism as my religion:

After leaving the LDS church, I decided to kind of informally make a list of everything I felt sure about, as far as spiritual beliefs go.  Here's a general summary of what I came up with after some soul-searching, reading a lot of books, and checking out some different spiritual paths:

• There is a greater power in the Universe that likes me a lot (loves me) and wants me to be happy.  We'll call this power "God" for the sake of simplicity.
• There is no such thing as sin.  God doesn't judge me or anyone else.  Everyone goes to heaven.
• We are innately good beings.  How we are raised - our environment - is what teaches us any unkind behaviors or attitudes.
• This life is stupid.  God doesn't condone, support, or really participate much in this world.  The most God is involved in, is warming our hearts and making us feel good.
• We are spiritually the same person, but different manifestations of it, and we are one with God.  Meaning, every person around me is me, and is God.  God is like the ocean, and each of us are drops of water that have come out of the ocean - but we're all still water, and we all still come from and belong to the ocean.  The ocean is composed of trillions of drops of water, and doesn't have a mind of its own, or a will of its own, but the combined forces of all of the drops of water make up "the ocean," or the combination of all of us make up "God."  Don't know if that makes sense.
• I believe in reincarnation.  I think we come back to this earth over and over again, and I have vague feelings/conceptions/memories of having been here before.  Returning to this world over and over is the only hell, and we can choose out of it by taking the paths of enlightenment, and eventually choosing to stay with God instead of returning here.
• Everything in this world is a symbol.  All religions carry God symbols, and are all useful tools for seeking God.  It isn't a question of right or wrong, good or bad, but of connected to God versus shut off from God.
• The purpose of life is to not come back to this life.  To be done.  To return to God.  We will always choose to be reborn, though, until we forgive ourselves for all of the dumb things we've done over the course of all of our lives, and are brave enough to face God.  Like the Prodigal Son, we're scared that "our Father" will judge us for screwing up and are scared to face him, but when we finally do, no matter what our screw-ups, he'll welcome us home and kill the fatted calf for us.  The only barrier between us and heaven is our own self-judgment and self-loathing.

I just remembered that I read a book that first got me thinking about all of this stuff.  It's a serious mind-fuck, but one of the greatest books I've ever read, and I totally believe it's true.  It's called "The Disappearance of the Universe," by Gary Renard.  I read it about 4 years ago.  It really fucked me up, in a good way, but don't read it if you don't want your world to be dumped on its head.  If you're looking for real answers though on what life is really all about, it's the only book I can recommend (for starters of course :).

That book is an intro to a book called, "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM).  ACIM is, I believe, written by Jesus and everything the Bible should be but isn't.  But it's hard to read at first, and really really hard to read without reading The Disappearance of the Universe first.  Here's the official summary of the whole book, which I love and want to get tattooed on my arm:

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God."

Then, about 2 years ago, I read a book called "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahansa Yogananda.  That's what sold me on Hinduism - everything I believed already was just casually and naturally talked about by Yogananda like it was no big deal, nothing new, just obvious facts.  The book is really fun, and Yogananda is just this super-sweet, silly, purehearted guy.  Love him to death, and I believe everything he says.

So here's the deal with Hinduism.  These days there are lots of sects of Hinduism (like there are different sects of Christianity), but my beliefs mesh with just traditional, non-sectarian, old-school, vanilla Hinduism.  Like the Krishna temple in Spanish Fork is way out of sync with vanilla Hinduism.  So not them.  

• All versions of "God" are just the great power of the Universe that we both are and have ceased to be.  All of the Gods they talk about in Hinduism (like Krishna, Shiva and Ganesha for example) are just symbols for the one true God which is us in our enlightened form.
• The purpose of life is to stop buying into the BS of this world and see through the illusions and remember who and what we are: God.  "Everything that can be seen is an illusion.  Only that which is not seen is real."
• There is no religion to practice, no rites that are necessary, no groups to join.  Just connect with God.  Do it through prayer, meditation, running - whatever you want.  (By the way, ACIM recommends finding others to study with, like a book club, but forbids the formation of any organization.  Everyone must find their own path to God.  Love it.)
• Love and kindness are the greatest powers of the Universe.
• There is no sin.  Just hard paths and easy paths.
• Jesus was just a great Yogi, as were Mohammed and Buddha.  Wise words should always be listened to and heeded.
• Reincarnation is a reset button to try again at life.  Hopefully we'll get it down this time.  The trick to getting out of the reincarnation life-cycle is to stop buying-in to the illusions of this world and remember who and what we are.
• Etc.

Here's a list of the 5 principles and 10 practices of Hinduism: http://hinduism.about.com/od/basics/a/principles.htm.

And that's it!  The good news is that despite my flaws and problems, I'm still an active Hindu.  Everyone gets to go at their own pace, find their own answers, and walk their own paths.  Real truth-seekers will always come to the same conclusions, and those who don't are just real truth-seekers in hibernation.  No worries, no judgments, no criticisms.

Now, doesn't that sound more like God?

The Individual in a Village part 2: The Mass Man

Oh boy! I'm super excited about this perspective! Especially because I'm reading two books right now, well I finished one of them, but anyways both of them are reinforcing each other in this idea of the mass man!

Let me tell you what the books are, to start off:

1) The Undiscovered Self, by Carl Jung (are you surprised? ha ha) written in 1957. I bought this one at Borders books. It's only like 100 pages long so it's a quick read, but his language is a little bigger than most books I'm reading these days so something to be prepared for. Also, this book was written shortly after WWII and at the time of the Iron Curtain, so he talks a lot about "the State" referring to governments in general, but this needs to be taken in context of the govenrments in Europe at this time.

2) Sacred Contracts, by Caroline Myss, 2002.

In case you can't tell, I really liked writing book reports as a student ... especially comparative ones! Mwahahaha ... blogging is fun for me because it makes me feel like I'm back in school.

I know, I know: I digress.

Starting when I was about 15 I've had strong urgings in my heart to do certain things, to stop believing in certain things, and to be a certain type of person. It's taken the last 10 years for me to get to the point I'm at with being authentic and faithful to my true self. I'm still not there yet either - I back down from what I'm feeling to a point still, I exercise mental-self-punishment on a regular basis for not doint things the "right" way, etc., but I am progressed in my faithfulness to self, and I'm in the pursuit of total devotion to my personal truth. That truth is relative and not absolute is a totally different topic, so we won't go there tonight.

One of the things I've experienced with these baby-steps I've taken in my life to honoring myself and my feelings is what Caroline Myss calls "separation or alienation from the tribe." She teaches that it's a primary part of each person honoring their purpose in life, to abandon to some degree their community, tribe, family or culture. I have experienced this to a great degree on many, many levels. Let me give you an example:

I served a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Santiago, Chile. The culture of a missionary in this religion is extremely concise; meaning, everything a missionary does, from they way they dress, to what time they go to bed, to how often they speak to their parents, is completely surrendered to the mission rules of the Church for 18 months-2 years. A missionary is told in training that they've given their life for the next year or two to God, and that every second and every breath now belongs to Him, and that the Church has been directed on how we are to use that time. Period. The leaders in my area were particularly orthodox with the rules.

I lasted for about a year before I could no longer honor the rules and live with myself. I didn't believe the Church's teachings because I had found truth through my studies of the teachings of Jesus and it didn't match up. I went through about 3 months of counseling while I was told to still continue as a missionary. It's a long story, and not a particularly useful one, so I won't get in to it, but the bottom line was that I finally had to put my foot down and say, "No! You can't tell me what I feel in my heart! I know I'm not broken because I feel the love of God in my life and it's encouraging me to stop this!" I was assigned for the remaining 3 months of my mission to work in an office where I was no longer asked to follow the rules of the mission.

It was HUGE for me! And on a superficial level I was totally guilt-laden, but on a deeper level I was LIBERATED! But the important thing here was that I found myself in a position in life where I had to choose between myself and my tribe.

Just two days ago I was asked to participate in a reunion for the missionaries. I declined the invitation. (It didn't feel appropriate to show up at a religious meeting touting that I left the church and became a Tarot reader... lol). It was still sad and hard for me, but it became very clear to me in the last 6 months of my mission that because of the culture of the mission, I would never have both my truth and my tribe. I do, however, maintain the friendships that matter most to me and that honor my decision.

Have you ever done this? Have you ever felt compelled to step away from a belief, culture, friend, family or community that made it impossible for you to be true to yourself? If you have, you're not alone. Every great person has to some degree.

Jesus, for example, left Nazareth and when he returned to share all he'd learned and become, he was rejected and sent off. Gautama (the Buddha) ran away from home to begin his journey to enlightenment. Ghandi studied in England and then lived in South Africa for many years, before returning home and initiating a revolution (which is a movement to change the culture of the tribe). Abraham moved to Canaan. Moses fled from Egypt to become a herdsman. Etc, etc.

So the question is this: why oh why is it necessary and important to distinguish yourself from your tribe?

The answer lies in every one of Carl Jung's teachings ... ha ha. Jung teaches in The Undiscovered Self that community in general, be it political, religious, familial, regional, cultural, etc., requires that a standardization of some form be accomplished. He says that the way that WE interpret the concept of community, WE adhere to a statistical belief system of averages. That is, our community is defined by the "average" situation found within it. It's a statistical approach of finding the common middle-ground. We sometimes call it "fairness" or "compromise."

So if the "average" American is 5 feet 7 inches tall, what are the odds of YOU being 5 feet 7 inches tall?

But here's the deal: who cares what the ODDS are - you are an individual human being and comparing you to the "average man" as specified in a community is comparing you to absolutely nothing. Because the "average man" doesn't exist which means that to "consider how the average person would act" would mean to "consider something that isn't reality." Jung says that reality consists of nothing but exceptions to the rule. "...the individual psyche, just because of its individuality, is an exception to the statistical rule and is therefore robbed of one of its main characteristics when subjected to the leveling influence of statistical evaluation," (p. 48)

Here's the problem. Let me quote a popular scripture from my local culture: "It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief," (The Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 4:13). Now this is a noble scripture - the good of the many outweighs the good of the one or the few, right?

But there's a problem with the psychology behind this teaching. This teaching insinuates that the community is more important than the individual. It expresses a fear of the power of the individual, and it teaches that the power of the individual must be squelched if it threatens the belief of the many!

I can see how in the context of the story of wicked King Laban and heroic Nephi it is a possible moral teaching, but when taken out of this explicit context, it's implications are powerfully detrimental to the psyche of an individual! I would even argue that in the context of the story it's a risky thing to say. This type of attitude creates what is called the "mass man" or the person who puts the values, ideals and truths of his tribe above his own. In fact, he never ventures to find out what his own beliefs are, because he wouldn't want to upset the status quo of the community. It's comfortable to belong to a community, because you just follow the already established rules and you never have to own your personal power.

...post never finished...

I've discovered my Animus!

I've discovered something that I believe will alter the course of my life forever. Cool, huh?

I've been totally fascinated by Dr. Carl Jung lately, because with my study of archetypes and tarot his name is mentioned non-stop and so I've taken to reading books about him and learning more about his teachings. While this post won't have much to do with tarot, it will touch on archetypes.

Jung taught that the human psyche works in such a way that our personal unconscious as well as the collective unconscious tries to be in communication and understood by our conscious minds. This can happen in a lot of ways - for example through dreams. In a dream, our unconscious sends images to our conscious minds, typically in the form of symbols. The unconscious also communicates via archetypes - that is, pesonalities, experiences, ideas or lessons that are common to all of humanity. I like to look at the archetypal fairy tales and myths, like for example Robin Hood. Robin Hood himself is an archetype - a hero - and the Sheriff of Nottingham is an archetype, and their rivalry and experience is archetypal in that any person, from any culture in the world, any religion or language, who hears the story of Robin Hood, can relate to it. The story and its characters are meaningful to every human being.

.

Jung also taught that the most important work a person can undertake in their psychic, or mental/emotional/spiritual, development is to achieve a balance in themselves between the mysterious unconsciousness and the conscious mind or ego.

One of the mechanisms of our minds that moves us towards this balance is the presence of an animus or anima. A male psyche, as it develops from childhood, and experiences the contrast of the female, will develop a sort of inner-female-personality, called the anima. This is like the voice inside of his head that speaks for his "female" or sensitive, mysterious, emotional and spiritual side. A female psyche develops an animus, which is the same as the anima, but instead is male oriented - so it speaks the voice of logic, reason, present moment living, etc. The mind, as it is trained and taught by life to identify itself with one gender, or take gender out of it, as it identifies with one polarity, it will automatically create an opposite polarity to balance it out.

.

It's like this. Take a stone. Carve a sculpture out of it. Now the stone is "defined". And then take all of the chips, dust, and shavings that were removed as you carved the sculpture and save them on the side. The chips, dust and shavings are there to remind us of what the stone was before it became defined as a sculpture. They also serve to remind the stone that even though it has been defined as a sculpture, at it's core, in the end, it is still a stone.

Our animas and animuses remain in our minds to remind us of the wholeness that we once were (before being born), and that one day we can return to (at enlightenment or after death). They also motivate us to find companions in our lives that will complement us and challenge us to achieve greater psychic balance. They are our inner relationship coaches and the source of that deep-seeded attraction towards certain "types" of people.

Ok, so now it's story time. When I was something like 13 years old I met a boy that I decided was my soul-mate. His name is D. 

D and I dated on and off for a few years and I became obsessed with him. He eventually told me he wasn't interested and moved on.

Heartbroken and lost in life, I decided to serve a mission for the church I participated in at the time. I moved to Chile for 18 months to work as a volunteer for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While in Chile, I met another person. His name was G. G was a leader of the church at the time, in Chile, and he was (and is still I believe) married for a long time - G in fact was about 30 years older than me. He had children almost my age.

I struggled in Chile and found myself in a very vulnerable state because there was a lot of social pressure as a missionary and I found that I didn't like the church I was promoting. When G expressed an interest in me (I was about 24 at the time) I allowed him to believe he stood a chance, even though it was totally inappropriate. There was something comforting about an older man, established in his life, with a cute foreign accent, showing interest in me.

.

Ultimately nothing happened between us, and I returned home to the States. I have harbored bitter feelings for G because I feel like he preyed upon my vulnerability in many ways with a purpose of inflating his own ego. (I won't go into the details about this because I don't feel like it really matters for this post). 

When I returned from Chile, after some brief re-encounters with D, he married another girl, and I decided to move on.

That's when I met C. C actually is a lot like D. 

So C was and is wonderful. He and I dated/lived together for about 2 years. We had a lot in common and in particular we had complementary senses of humor.

But in the end after two years, we agreed that the relationship wasn't fulfilling either of us. And we broke up. (That was about 3 months ago).

And that, my friends, is my love-life in a nutshell. Pretty great, huh?

So now I'm in a space of wondering what type of person I want to be a in a relationship with, so that I can feel fulfilled, challenged, and satisfied. When I was 16 my friend Loni and I went to a palm reader on Hollywood Blvd and she said that I would marry a man from overseas and have 2 children. At the time I thought, "That's ridiculous - I'm going to marry D." But recently her prediction has come back to me and I've wondered. I keep imagining that my happiest relationship will be with a foreign man, older than me, much older and established in his life. And then I remember G and I cringe and think, "There's no way in HELL I'll ever be with a man like that." But when I dream and fantasize about it, the same figure keeps coming back into my mind, and I'm living in New England, and I'm happy and quite alone (because my older, foreign husband is off doing his things) and I have so much freedom and also so much love.

This is when I came across Jung's anima/animus theories.

In this book I'm reading right now, called "Teach Yourself Jung" by Ruth Snowden (2006) I read the following about Jung:

"Jung first became aware of his own anima when he was analysing his fantasies during his midlife crisis. He asked himself what he was actually doing, and was startled to hear a woman's voice quite clearly announcing, 'it is art'. He felt cross about this and replied that it was nothing to do with art, but the voice again insisted that it was. The voice was the voice of his anima. ... Jung soon realized that by personifying an archetype [as his anima] he was able to bring it into relationship with his own consciousness.

... For a man to be in touch with his anima is therefore healing and balancing. The anima is not a specific woman - her archetype contains all the ancestral impressions of what it means to be female. Her personified form in the individual psyche will depend very much upon a man's personal knowledge of women, which is rooted in his relationship with his mother, plus impressions gained about other women as he is growing up. Passionate attractions occur when the anima is projected onto an actual woman, so that the man falls in love. If, on the other hand, the man over-identifies with the anima, he may become very moody, resentful or effeminate. If a man's anima is very weak then he will find relationships with women difficult" (p. 61-62).

Also: "...it is useful to get in touch with our anima or animus, because they have valuable messages for us. They also have a huge role to play in making relationships with the opposite sex successful" (p. 63).

Ok, I don't know if that meant anything to you, but it meant a whole lot to me. The part where his anima actually speaks to him hit home. I sat and pondered this as I read it, and then all of a sudden it happened - my animus spoke to me.

In my mind's eye, I saw a totally black space with an open door in the distance, and light shone out of the open door (kind of like what you would see in Dick Tracey). Then, a man stepped into the doorway, with the light on his back, so I couldn't see his face, and so that his shadow was long.

Then he spoke. And he said nothing, but I knew instantly that he was Anthony Hopkins. Ha ha ha. I'm serious! My animus looks and talks just like Anthony Hopkins.

He doesn't really say anything to me, but now that I'm aware of him, I know that if I sat down and took the time to have a conversation with him, he would. And that still kind of scares me because I don't know what he'll ask me to face.

.

Ok, so the anima/animus is formed based off of father figures and other male figures in the life of a person when they're young. Later, through life, you'll encounter more people and your anima/animus may change a little but his/her strongest aspects will be defined in early childhood.

.

You know how people always say, "You marry your mother!" or "You date your father!" - like you're attracted to people you remind you of your parents? That's how the whole anima/animus thing plays out.

Now each of my siblings (there are 8 of us) has a totally different relationship/take on my parents. But my relationship with my father, as a child and kind of to this day, looks like this:

1. I'm awed by him and he seems unreachable and unapproachable
2. I'm intimidated by him, so I try to not get noticed too much
3. I'm quite rebellious towards him and I like to challenge him but without too much personal interaction
4. As a child he and I mostly connected on an intellectual level - we talked about science and math and world affairs
5. I prefer to see him interacting with others and enjoying his fabulous personality vicariously instead of having his focus on me
6. My dad never liked me dating D or C. He thought they were both underachievers.

Ok, now let me tell you about this Anthony Hopkins figure that is my animus

1. He's mysterious and mostly quiet. He has little to say, but when he looks at me I know he's watching my every move and has me figured out (think Hanibal Lector)
2. When he does talk, it's mostly small talk about things like science and world affairs - just trivial things.
3. He doesn't like my taste in guys. He doesn't like that I'm the more active person in my relationships. He says (and I'm hearing this in my head right now as I type) that if I'm going to be running the show in a relationship, I'd be better off alone and that he wants to see me in a relationship where I'm empowered and then left to follow my own passions.
4. He's very critical. And he's not afraid to express his dissatisfaction to me. But he's never critical of me, just of my choices. He likes me a lot and is totally intrigued by me - in fact the puzzle that I am consumes him - he's eternally fascinated and finds my resistance and rebellion fascinating and exhilirating (sorry if that's too graphic ha ha ha). He thinks he has me figured out and is perpetually curious to see if I'll act like he expects me to. When I don't act like he expects is when he gets cranky with me...but then his curiosity is revived.

Ok, enough of him.
Here's the thing with animas/animuses. They're in your head. Forever. They are a part of your psyche. If you piss them off, and don't respect their input (which is meant only to guide you towards balance) they'll nag at you forever. You gotta make your peace with them.
Have you ever been in a relationship with everything is smashing, going perfectly well, and there's this itch in your brain that you have to get out of it? I know that a lot of people experience this. "Why did I cheat on my husband?" they ask me - "I really love him a lot and he's SUCH a good person and there's really nothing wrong with him! I'm just not happy and I don't know why," Well, my guess is that you're not happy because your animus doesn't think your hubby is a good match and he's not going to shut up (even if your husband is a "good person").
Here's the big problem with animas/animuses - their personalities are based off of your life experiences with people of the opposite sex. So let's say Dad was abusive - well guess what? Your animus is likely going to be abusive and he'll encourage you to get into abusive relationships. Let's say mom was absent and self-absorbed. Anima is going to push you towards relationships where you do all of the work.
Now the reason they do this, is because if you were an abused child, your psyche and personality formed around abusiveness, so in order to be balanced, you have to be reacting against abuse. I don't know Jung's theory, but mine is that as you become more balanced in your reactions to abuse, your anima/animus will stop pressuring you to seek abusive realtionships. But this explains why there are so many battered wives that are perfectly happy in their abusive relationships.
So take a look at your life. If you are dissatisfied with your relationships, is it because you look for people based off of the "right" qualifications, or based off of what you're "truly" attracted to? If you are in a relationship because your partner seems "stable and healthy" do you find yourself craving adventure and risk? Did you pick someone beautiful, only to find yourself craving to be adored by your partner instead living in their shadow? If you picked someone strong, do you find yourself craving to overpower them somehow?
Think about this: D and C are very similar in that they're both my age, neither of them has any career path or even ambition for that matter, they're both dependant on their mothers to a great degree, and they both have enormous sweetness and gentleness. I think I'm attracted to guys like that because I like to resist my animus - I don't want to give in to him. But in my perfect relationship with C, I was totally dissatisfied.
Isn't that interesting?
The problem is that because of the surrounding circumstances with the G situation, I'm really, really resistant to trusting my animus, because G fit the mold much closer than C or D did. Ew and the thought of a relationship with anyone like him pisses me off.
And here's another thing - since I broke up with C, D magically reappeared in my life ... divorced. Naturally I'm excited and express interest ... and true to his nature he strings me along for a little while and then ignores me.
I'm clearly not learning my lesson!
But now that I'm clear on what my animus is (and I think I'll name him Anthony Hopkins) and on what purpose he serves, I think I'm in a path to trusting him and using his council and personality to lead me towards a fulfilling and balancing relationship. And THAT is exciting!

So watch out world ... of single, foreign, rich men who are ages 30-42 (sorry but a 17-year is gap is all I can swallow at this point.), who want to be in a relationship with a mysterious, independant, and spontaneous whackball 25-year old who researches things like Jungian psychology and tarot and the Bible for fun! I'm READY for ya!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!