Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.