Spiritual Memoir #7: Return of the Glorious Goddess Sisterhood

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Card: Three of Cups

(see pics in this post from various decks)

Radiant Rider Waite deck

My Interpretations of the Card
"Time to celebrate with the girls"

I pulled this card and almost giggled with glee ... it feels like these last few posts have been kind of heavy, and I was so ready for a happier, lighter tone.  So hooray for the three of cups - I *love* this card!

In the Rider Waite image, three women raise their cups in lighthearted celebration.  The women are different: a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head, and they wear different clothes in different styles and colors.  But they're all women.  I see this as diversity and differences among peers being celebrated - enhancing and beautifying the bond, instead of dissolving into competition or judgment.  The women are surrounded by/carrying fruits too - enjoying the harvest of their lives together.

Cups, of course, symbolize the element of water, and represent emotions and spirituality.  So this isn't about the women getting together to talk, but to connect.  Three is a number representing power and completeness (as in the Holy Trinity).  There is a total bonding here that results in powerful synergy, the whole adding up to more than the parts, and spirituality being pursued in a community celebration, not in solitary silence.  Did I say yet that I love this card!?!?  :)

Deviant Moon Tarot

Check out the imagery in the Deviant Moon tarot ... a bunch of crazy misfits, that keep from sinking by partying in the sharp-toothed mouth of a giant fish.  Hee hee.  (That deck is so crazy, I love it!)  The masks are coming off, the clothes are coming off - it's almost like they know they'll either drown in the sea or get eaten by the fish, so they might as well drink and be merry in the last minutes of their lives.  

But they're not going to die - this is only the three of cups ... they still have seven more steps ahead of them.  Really, the hopelessness of their situation is a catalyst for them to take off the masks and loosen up a little bit.

In summary, I think of this card as the "Sex and the City" card.  It's only three people instead of that magical foursome, but it's about getting together with your besties and saying "to hell with our problems!  Tonight we celebrate!"

Spiritual Memoir: Three of Cups

I've always been close to my sisters.  I have five sisters (and two brothers), and I'm the baby of the family.  As I've commented in other posts (like THIS one), I was to an extent raised by my sisters.  

The Goddess Sisterhood at the opening of our store
Left to Right: Me, Liberty, Crystal - 2008
Photo credit to Cathy Allred, more info HERE

My second oldest sister, Liberty, and my fourth oldest sister, Crystal, and I opened a new age/metaphysical shop together a few years back.  We have pretty much always shared a lot of beliefs, and having this store together fused our little trio into what we call the "Goddess Sisterhood." We worked together, shared all of the same friends, read books and taught classes together - it was a wonderful time.  When we sold the store, our trio dynamic started shifting to a clique of two with one third wheel, then it would shift to two different besties with someone else as the third wheel, and so on.  

About two years ago, Crystal and I were on a roll together, with Liberty being neglected, and we decided to make a conscious effort to keep her in the loop.  It didn't take too long that we were having a girl's night every Friday - it was our weekly celebration of the Goddess Sisterhood.  We'd drink boxed wine, eat Goddess ramen noodles (with garlic, cheese, sour cream, and cayenne pepper ... mmmm), and smoke on Liberty's back porch until two or three in the morning.  Sometimes we'd do tarot or psychic readings for each other, sometimes we'd talk to our dead brother Art through a Ouija board (and other hooligans), and sometimes we'd sing and dance in the back yard.  (The across-the-street neighbor, Victoria, was so tactful in expressing to us we were being a *wee* bit too loud... hee hee ... sweet Victoria).  Often, we just watched Lib do a LOT of yard work, while Crystal sang along to Flight of the Conchords using her phone's tiny speaker.  Ahh...those were the days!  It was fun, we were connected - we were the three of cups!  In fact, to this day, I call this card the "Goddess Sisterhood" card.

Then, Crystal started nursing school and got divorced.  She had new things going on in her life, between her new friends at school and entering the dating scene.  Liberty and I were excited about the changes in Crystal's life, but found we had less and less to talk about with her, because we shared so little in common.  Then, Liberty went back to school to study philosophy, and I was just finishing my studies in economics, and, believe it or not, we had more and more to talk about since our studies were so related.  Liberty and I grew even closer ... and Crystal ever more distant.

Golden Tarot

I'm going to be totally honest for this blog's sake: I really resented Crystal for this distance.  I judged her to be backsliding into conventional worldly being, as opposed to the uber-spiritual-truth-seekers that our Goddess Sisterhood was founded on.  I was mean to her, I'd yell at her, tell her she was screwing it all up, being less than her best self, and so on.  She put up with it for a while, then gradually stopped coming around.  At times, she'd tell me to shut up and get off my high horse.  That only fueled my anger more.  

After I went out to Columbia University last fall, my anger cooled off a little bit, and I figured a long-distance friendship would be good for us.  But it only stayed constructive for a short time.  I loved judging her too much.  When I came back from Columbia at Thanksgiving and moved home after Christmas, I made sure to see her, only to ream her with how badly she was screwing up (in my opinion).

I was like the three of cups card from the Golden Tarot deck: I was the "pure" maidens, acknowledging the fools on the street (Crystal), but really mocking and shutting them out.  It was so hard not to judge Crystal because I knew that she could be what I wanted her to be.  It's easy to not pass judgment on some stranger on the street, giving them the benefit of the doubt - but with someone so close to you it changes, becomes harder, more personal.  I talk all the time about how many of us "enlightened" folk say, "I forgive Hitler.  We didn't understand what circumstances he was raised in, and maybe he was sick in the head, and that's not his fault.  I can have compassion and don't judge him," ... but in the same breath we curse the woman buying food with food stamps while she talks on her expensive iPhone!  That traitorous bitch!  My point is that it's easy to say we forgive an abstract person/concept like Hitler; I think the measure of our enlightenment is in how we respond to the little, relatively insignificant annoyances in our lives, not the major genocides of the world.

Anyway, back to my story: about two months ago, like in February or March (2012), I was studying A Course in Miracles and realized I needed to forgive Crystal for being different than how she used to be and forgive myself for being bugged about it.  Expect no changes, hope for no changes, and just see how what I was feeling was purely and cruelly destructive.  I couldn't believe how hard that was to swallow!  

One night, a few weeks ago, right after my A Course in Miracles study group, Crystal's 5 year-old had a seizure, and was taken to Primary Children's Hospital for an overnight stay.  I offered to go up with her.  While we were at the hospital the next morning, I said to her, "Crystal, I think I'm done judging you.  I'm tired of it, and I know you are.  I don't care what you do with your life, or how you live it - I just want you to be around me again.  If you talk about stuff I don't care about, I'll listen for a while then tell you when I'm sick of it.  I hope you can understand that.  Aside from that, I hope you can forgive me for being such a bitch this past year."

Crystal and Me, 2010

She smiled and said, "Ok!  Sounds good to me."  And just like that, it was over...

Since then, I just don't have any desire to judge and condemn her.  I have, in fact, done several tarot readings, for myself and other members of my family, about interceding in her life and with her family to "offer help" (read: impose our judgments on her), and every time ... every time ... the tarot has come back saying "Stay out of it.  Let her live her life.  Your only role here is to love her and be her friend."  

Last week, I went and did readings at a party Crystal was throwing.  It was a blast.  This week, I went to her house and finally just hung out with her for like six hours.  It was a blast.  None of the things that annoyed me before have changed ... but I've changed.

The Goddess Sisterhood, the three of cups, has people that are different ... they're not all the same ... and that's OK!!  We can celebrate even with our differences.  We can be united even with the diversity.  The three of cups is about forgetting that we're about to sink or be eaten by a fish, and just pull off the masks, get vulnerable and sincere, and raise a glass with people we love - without asking them to change.  It can be fun.  It's ok for life to be fun.  And we can love people and see their excellence without feeling compelled to drag it out of them.  It goes back to Jesus talking about obsessing over the mote in another's eye.  Stop it!  (I'm saying that to you and to myself!  To all of us!)

Crystal - I love you, and you are perfect in my eyes.  I also trust you with your life - follow your heart wherever it leads you, and I'll stay out of the way.  Thank you for accepting my apologies so gracefully. **raises a glass**

Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.

Automatic writing: a transcript

Following is a transcript of an automatic writing session that I did around Jan 25.  I didn't write down the exact date, and I don't remember it.  But anyway...

For those unfamiliar with the term "Automatic Writing", it's a method of revelation/divination that basically entails sitting down and writing what comes to your mind.  For some people it works like a journal, and for others, it creates an avenue for communication with spirits.

In preparation for this particular session of automatic writing, I went to dRM's basement and gathered her entire collection of crystals and made a big display of them on our dining room table.  I don't actually have much of a bond with crystals, so more than anything it was the fun of performing a sort of preparatory ritual than anything else.  I made sure on the table all four elements were present: earth (crystals), air (incense), water (a little bowl of water), and fire (I got the intuition that putting a battery on the table was sufficient for fire, because we didn't have any candles).  Once again, the presence of the four elements is mostly a ritualistic, get-myself-into-the-spirit-and-mood action than a materialistically relevant one.

Finally, I put on my favorite hippie shawl and got all of my favorite pendants and strung them together on a necklace.  My seven and five year-old nieces were utterly delighted that I had my little costume and display going.  There were less enthralled with the next portion of the event - me sitting and meditating until I felt I had made contact with a Divine source of communication.

Granted, it generally only takes a few minutes, but the little girls got bored after about a minute of me sitting quietly and patiently, waiting for any words to come to my mind that didn't feel *exactly* like my own.  Automatic writing, and really any other form of spiritual communication will generally feel at first like your own imagination coming up with things to say simply to entertain you; but I have found that by asking, "What if?" I can actually get guidance that for shizzle dizzle did not come from my own ego-mind.  When I imagine in my mind that someone is talking to me, I say, "What if?  What if that were real?  I'm just going to take this silly, fake conversation as far as it will go, and let my imagination go crazy.  Maybe I'm just being silly with a vivid imagination...and if I get the feeling at the end that such is the case, I'll just throw away whatever I wrote or imagined up.  But what if it were real?  What if the random little tidbits of conversation I hear bouncing around in my mind were actually important?  I'll give it a shot, and see how I feel in my heart about it afterwards."

I've been doing intuitive work like this for about 5 years.  Sometimes it's automatic writing, sometimes it's tarot (my favorite modality for intuition and insight), and sometimes it's just straight-up psychic readings.  I don't know if what I say helps people or hurts people, and for that reason I, in 95% of cases, refuse to take any form of payment for a reading and generally avoid them.  But in cases of my friends contacting me for readings, I'll read for them and if they find it particularly useful, we all rejoice (if not, we discard the information).  It's fun.

It's most fun, though, when something really meaningful comes from it; as was the case on the Jan 25th-ish in question.  So, here's the transcript.  I found it particularly insightful, as expounded upon in THIS blog post.  So if you're wondering what "psychic readings" or "spirit guides" look and sound like, here you go.  In this post:
HS = Holly Sue
SG = Spirit Guides

--
I first started by writing down: "My intention is to know how to proceed with

• Volunteer job #1 (leaving unnamed)
• Job #2
• Else?
• Income in general

I waited for a few minutes, then felt some thoughts forming in my mind and wrote:

HS: Hey, who's there?

SG: Hi Holly.

HS: Who are you?

SG: Name doesn't matter.  Only the message matters.  I have a message for you, but first you have a question for me.

HS: Yes - thanks.  I have several questions but they can all be summed up in the question of what to do?  I mean, I know what I do here doesn't matter and blah, blah, blah; but I need an income at least and I'd like to help *person* and *person* and even *person* - but how?  What to do?  And, since you haven't jumped in yet, I'm assuming you are willing to let me dump my thoughts...?

SG: Yes...

HS: Crap, I just lost them :)  Oh, yeah - I know being forgiving and loving and present is powerful in and of itself, but I guess I want to do more.

SG: What else is there?

HS: I know the answer is "nothing," but I can't shake these other things.  Plus forgiveness won't give me an income.

SG: To start - you don't have to prove you're "right."  Half of the issue with *all three people mentioned before* is that you've said things that you're too proud to let be wrong.

HS: But they trusted me when I said I knew how to help them.  I feel a duty to not betray that trust.  

--Then I got distracted by something.  I don't know what.  But, I had prepared my tarot cards nearby and was willing to pull the symbology of tarot into the conversation....--

HS: Ok, back.

SG: Focus yourself again.

HS: Ok.  One sec.  K - ready.  I feel like pulling cards.   Coo?

SG: Always.  :)

HS: Will you help me with the symbols since I struggle to read for myself?

SG: Of course.

HS:  Ok.  For the present I see The Tower: things have fallen apart, for me and for the world and many of my loved ones as macrocosms of me.  I see each of my loved ones playing out different alternate roles of my alternate reactions.  *person* remaining a believer despite this tower crumbling beneath him/her.  *another person* has already started construction on a new Tower.  *yet another person* is just a few paces behind me, etc.

(For the record, the Tower card of the tarot represents the stage in the Hero's Journey when he realizes everything he's been working towards, sacrificing for, etc., has been for a vain and foolish pursuit.  The Tower he's built for himself is struck by lighting, literally told in the story of the Tower of Babel, and destroyed, as the Greater Powers of the Universe tell the Hero that it's time to get real about objectives and stop thinking he can, of his own ego-might and power, build himself a tower to heaven...  The pathway to heaven is through submission, gentleness, and letting go of facade, not through aggressiveness, challenge, and independence.  Anyway...)

SG: Good.  Don't build new towers.  Meditate on The Tower, on where it falls in the Fool's Journey.  Learn and accept what comes next.

(For the record, it's The Star.  Trust, vulnerability, and a total outpouring of love and forgiveness, with a supply that magically never ends.  One foot on the ground (being practical) and one foot in the water (emotional/faithful).)

HS: Am I not already doing that?

SG: You've carried some of the stones with you (from your fallen Tower) and are telling yourself you just need a little roof over your head - but it will grow insatiably, Holly.  Consider the lilies.  Be a lily.  Study the Fool's journey.

HS: That sounds like leaving *person* high and dry.

SG: Why does it sound lilke that?  If you forgive and love him/her and everyone in that space you are fulfilling both your agreement and your natural role.  Remember that Jesus never accepted an official role or position anywhere, and that Gandhi's work was always voluntary.

HS: So how do I get an income?

SG: What income did Gandhi and Jesus live on?

HS: Um, alms probably.  I don't want to live on alms.

SG: Why not?  (Hint: pride)

HS: Right, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

SG: Why would that burden them?  I/we *(the guide started referring to him/herself as plural)* never said become a beggar.  But, like with dRM's home, the car, your bike, etc., you will be provided for like the lilies of the field.  Trust that.

HS: Trust it, huh?  Trust who?  Trust what?

SG: Trust that this illusion won't allow you to fold.  Trust that you can survive and thrive without buying in to it.  Become beloved, so beloved that the gifts willingly given to you will more than meet your needs.  There is no scarcity - you'll see.  Fishes and loves, it will never run out.

HS: *person*?  *person*?  *person and person*?  (My way of asking: what about these people I care about?)

SG: ...will all be blessed by your loving self and presence.

HS: Ok, back to the cards.  Ace of cups, reversed for the present - don't re-initiate the same relationships.  Run from them.  Don't look for relationships to fulfill me.

SG: Close.  Your cup isn't what runneth over - remember, you are the best teacher when you are the best student.  Receive, joyously, graciously and abundantly - stop trying to provide.  Instead receive.  Humility, Holly.

HS: And the Knight of Swords?  (in the future position of the reading)

SG: No message there.  Not pertinent to this conversation.

HS: Really?  No future "you'll see?"  or "we'll get back to that?"  How can I trust these messages when they are cafeteria-plan?!?!

SG: Trust them if they sound true.  Knight of Swords is a dumb card.  You should remove it from all of your decks.  We don't acknowledge (i.e. notice) or ever recommend such behavior or action.

HS: What other cards?

SG: The Devil (tarot card).  Life is The Devil - unreal yet always present.  It really doesn't make any sense to us.

HS: Any more?

SG: Get back to the reading - we'll tell you as you go along.

HS: I'm not going to remove those cards from my decks.  That's weird to me, to cherry-pick cards.

SG: That's because you don't really trust us yet.  But you will.  Now - next?

HS: King of Cups, reversed (final outcome position).  Same as the Ace of Cups reversed - stop trying to take care of/provide for/teach.  Learn instead.

SG: Right.

HS: And - 4 of wands revered (another final outcome card).  No happy home/ending - meaning it doesn't end with a good income and a happy, perfect life and blah, blah, blah.  For both Jesus and Gandhi, it led them straight to messy, horrifying deaths.

SG: Correct, but painless death.  The death of the ego is always messy and horrifying; but generally not lonely.  You won't be alone - the natural path of freedom from illusion is both nasty and blissful.  But life is nasty anyway, so why not give Enlightenment a shot?

HS: Should I focus on writing?  A book, a blog?  Conversations like these?  Anything?

SG: No.  You'll build a Tower if you do.  Let it all go.  Focus only on love and forgiveness.  Great things await when you do - none of which will be financial security, fame, power, or a following.  But you will see and hear me face to face.  For now, your pride and ego are too overpowering to make such things possible; it would definitely go to your head.

HS: I'll see you?!?!  And actually hear you?!?  Can I touch you?  (Can I tell dRM if I do!?!?)

SG:  See?  Your ego is already misusing that event that hasn't even occurred yet.

HS: Bah!

SG:  Love you, Holly.  Be brave.

HS:  Thank you :)  I'm nervous, but I can do this.

SG: You already have - just remember.  And study the Hero's Journey.

HS:  Thanks, and one more thing, if I may...  will you help me better and more clearly in the future dealing with getting into precarious commitments and how to step out of them, etc.?

SG: You've been improving...

HS: I just hate the whole explaining myself process, but feel like openness and honesty are the best pro-social policies.

SG: First:

1. Don't be pro-social
2. It will diminish as people adjust to the disappearance of your ego
3. You don't owe explanations to anyone.  Tell them you're experimenting with truth and to wait for the book.  Have fun with it.

HS: Ok, I'm fading, losing focus.  Will you help me be better?

SG: Listen better.  Study more often.  Engage with us.  Believe us, we're always doing the most we can (that will still serve).

HS: Oh.  Ok, gracias.

SG:  De nada!

---

So, if you've read this far, and are wondering why I'm posting this on a blog even now, when the guidance I received stated pretty clearly that I shouldn't .. I felt ok with doing it a few weeks later.   I don't know if this is a "116-pages event" of my own forcefulness, or if it is actually useful ... but my experience is that very few people actually read this blog, and as I've read my own previous posts, I've found them to be extremely interesting and pertinent from a long-term perspective; this is a form of journaling and recording for me.  Don't like it? ... You can stop reading :)  But this is the type of shit I'm going to be posting, because this is what my life is like.  I hear spirits, I talk to them, I relay their messages as best I can ... and I make a lot of mistakes along the way.  We all do.  (Which is why the key to enlightenment is forgiveness...)  This particular instance was powerful for me, because of the other two events that followed almost immediately (within a few days) that validated verbatim everything that was stated in this reading - lots of witnesses to me.

And now I'll end.

But I do recommend that every person work on finding their own intuitive power and connection with their Divine Guidance.  Above and beyond simple prayer or whatever - notice how in this post, I'm relatively abrasive and honest - I find that if I just act honestly, or how I would truly act with someone I was bestest buddies with, and challenge Divine Guidance to whatever issues bother me...I get really kind and honest and insightful answers back  God, the Divine, or whatever you call Him/Her/It, already knows how testy and raunchy we can be.  So just be yourself, as far as you know yourself, and be honest and you too will get answers.  I can't guarantee any of us will like the answers we get (remember how this post goes over horrible death ... uh... er...), but it feels good to have open, honest communication.  

My experience is, also, that when we reach such honest connection with Divine Guidance, there will be a ripple effect, and you will be given a few more validating cues after the fact.

And of course, the first policy is to always discard and ignore anything that makes your heart and soul feel confused or nervous.  Trust your heart to guide you.  Even if you discard Truth because you misunderstand or are afraid of it, God understand cautiousness and will get your messages to you in another way that feels more secure to you.  God can't be undermined.  So just check-in with every message you hear and keep what feels uplifting and challenging ... and discard what feels icky and apologetic.

On joy and contentment, and the spirituality of unemployment

The other day I was writing a quick message to an old, dear friend of mine, just catching him up on the going-ons of my life.  I wrote something, which seemed natural at the time, but when I reviewed the note later, this statement jumped out at me as pretty interesting; I wrote:

"I have been happier in my life, but I've never felt more *at peace* in my life. It's a very interesting thing."

Apparently, it is a thematic contemplation for me, for just a few days earlier I had done a tarot reading for a friend of mine and wrote these words to her:

"True joy comes from the mundane. Remember that. *Fixes* come from the exciting and novel things in life, and usually involve a crash."

It has me wondering and thinking about the nature of the relationship between peace and happiness, joy and contentment.

I live now with my sister, 'da Renegade Mama (dRM), and her four children (and my two children...er cats).  dRM is pursuing an undergraduate degree in Philosophy, and so we discuss philosophical things together quite a bit, and even at times I read her texts to keep up.

Plato has become a favorite of ours, specifically The Republic, and the quest for justice.  What is justice, how do we achieve it?  A teacher of dRMs (Michael Minch) stated in her Political Philosophy class that "peace is the fruit of justice."  That justice, or contentment, is to be pursued as the path for a society or person to know peace.  Relating this to the Biblical thought that "by their fruits ye shall know them," I believe a society or a person may be identified for their justice and well-being as is indicated by their degree of peace.  (And, as a very unpatriotic American, I do see my country's inability to stay away from conflict, war, threats, mudslinging, and general fear as indicative of our thoughtlessness with regard to justice, and our disdain for contentment as evidenced by our non-satiation and competitiveness.  I digress...)

A common philosophical argument (Hobbes, Rousseau, Kant, etc.), too, is that joy and happiness are spikes of events but that contentment, justice, and consequently peace are the underlying core of well-being, both for a person and a society.

Relating this to my life, I have recently made a commitment to simplicity and have decided to shed the shackles of competitiveness and "keeping up with the Joneses;" I have decided to not "work" and to live off of gifts and alms, and dedicate my time and energy towards community building, support of friends and family members, and spending a lot of time doing nothing.  I keep my slate relatively clear of commitments, and am therefore free to spontaneously listen to inner promptings to take actions, or stay inactive and just think, ponder, or relax mindlessly.  I also only "work" for no pay - I have let everyone that I offer my time to know that I neither want nor expect monetary remuneration, or any form of exchange.  Thus, my aspirations and commitments are not placed in areas of greatest achievement and return-on-time-investment, but instead on following my inner guidance and personal interests.  It's an experiment.

I'm not perfect with it - I have a lot of ingrained habits that I have to fight daily, the most potent of which is heaping judgment and guilt upon myself.  "I should be doing more," "I'm lazy and a slacker," "I'm a burden on society," and so forth, constantly barrage my otherwise peaceful and contented mind.  But I'm making progress.

And instead of fighting, struggling, and as The Avarians call it "moving through the nails, the sharp glass of life" - which is flatly dismissed as unnecessary - I increasingly feel peaceful.  Not elated, not joyful, not even happy necessarily, but calm.  I no longer feel like I need to control my life, or need to fight to maintain control, or even need to work towards a certain direction, because I see that the only thing fighting against me is my own mind, my self-imposed guilt.

It may sound like I've stepped right onto the wide path of laziness and ease, which to an extent I guess is true.  But I have found a razor's edge of spiritual insight and attunement that I can follow easily if I keep my mind and intentions purely focused on releasing guilt and listening for intuition and guidance.

I do still have moments of joy and elation.  I have little sprinkles of them throughout the day, mostly when I feel noticed, acknowledged and praised.  But I'm finding that they aren't worth seeking; they aren't worth the effort, because they're fleeting, and instead of fueling more compassion and kindness in me, they leave me feeling unsatiated - hungry for more.

And finally, I have found a lot of opportunity to offer small tidbits of peace, acceptance and forgiveness to people around me who are fighting for survival.  Little opportunities, here and there, to stop and listen to people, to jump in when they're struggling, and to employ my skills and expertise towards their challenges.  

The word "vocation" comes from the Latin root vocationem which means "spiritual calling."  Would we feel the world was more just, would we experience greater contentment, and would the world be at greater peace if we chose to spend the majority of our time - if we chose our vocation - based on the calling of our spirit?

The big question that comes up, of course, is how, then, will we pay our bills?  How will we eat, clothe ourselves, and find shelter?  These are legitimately scary questions to face.  I have had three conversations/witnesses in my life that have answered this question to me:

1. Personal revelation.  My first answer came when I did a little seance and some automatic writing and got a message from Spirit Guides. I will post the revelation in my next blog.
2. About a week later, my sister out of the blue said, "You should read these two articles by Hugh Nibley that were assigned to me in class today.  They were so interesting!"  (Hugh Nibley was a renowned LDS scholar).  The articles are untitled "Work we must, but the lunch is free" (Click here for full text) and "But what kind of work?" (Click here for full text).  In short, Nibley argues that God and Jesus have commanded us to share with each other and not worry about how the bills will get paid.  Just follow the spiritual call and it will all be taken care of.
3. Just a few short days after that, The Avarians (Click here for more info) had a channeling event at a shop I volunteer at.  They spoke of following the Divine Calling, and upon following the material things we need will manifest through the power of our own creation.  It basically matches Jesus' teaching in the New Testament to consider the lilies of the field, for the rich man to drop all money and follow Him, and his command to his disciples to carry neither an extra coat or a sack of coins, and not to think beforehand of what they would say, but to just walk forward and trust.  If they did so, He promised they'd be taken care of.

So I'm experimenting with that as well.  So far it's working.  I have a free house to live in, free food, some really magnificent friends gave me a free car, and every now and then people give me gift cards for clothes, gift certificates for restaurants, and straight-up cash.  Totally unsolicited, people just hand me cash now and then.  It's only been six weeks of living like this, maybe the novelty of it will wear off, I don't know - but so far it's working.  Why not just trust it and keep going?

I don't hope or expect to have wealth and riches come from this.  I anticipate a relatively Spartan way of life.  And that's ok with me - I don't really care at this point in my life in having things, going places, experiencing grand adventures, or looking cool or put-together.  (We currently sleep 6 people to one bedroom, and I gotta admit - it's perfectly fine.  Everyone else in the world - outside of the US and other highly developed nations - sleeps together in one room, so it's actually quite normal.) 

I have certain tastes and indulgences too that may eventually go away (smoking and drinking) because they aren't exactly necessary for my survival, and may or may not be detrimental to my spiritual well-being (I'm not that worried about my physical well-being, but we'll get to that another time).  For now, I accept what is provided and use it as I see fit.  I make a point not to pray for, "call forth," or request anything coming my way.  I'm just trusting.  Letting it be.  And it's working.  

And I feel at peace.  Which is kinda a new thing for me.  I like it.

Christianity: A Contemporary Oxymoron

I'm not intentionally trying to post a lot of religious or controversial posts - but simply what's on my mind.  (And naturally, as I search for Truth - or as Gandhi called it "Experiment with Truth" - I cannot help but question sensitive topics.)  The Orwellian double-think that pervades much of contemporary culture is such a virulent pandemic that I sometimes cannot help but erupt into a fever.

To begin, I love Jesus.  I consider myself a follower of Jesus - even a disciple.  But I am not christian, for as far as I can tell, modern christianity has nothing to do with Jesus.  (I concede that many people are true disciples of Jesus and also call themselves "Christians" - i.e. my sister Sunny Jo -, but the institution as a whole is very, very confusing to me.)

Take, for example this picture that I saw posted on Facebook today.  It was posted by a friend of mine - a very christian friend who I know through my previous engagement with a christian religion.

In case you can't read it, it reads: Urinalysis:  Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

I cannot, for the life of me, understand how a person calls themselves a fan or follower of Jesus, and could post this.  Not because I'm a religious zealot, not because I'm holier-than-thou, but because it simply doesn't make any sense at all.

This would be like posting a picture that says:  "Beating people with clubs: because you beat me first.  Brought to you by people who love and follow Gandhi."

Jesus, was very specifically an advocate of giving away lots and lots of free stuff, especially forgiveness and compassion to the poor.  Not just the poor - but the prostitutes, the "welfare moms", the "drug addicts" of his day.  When crowds would come and get hungry, Jesus' disciples would be like "dude, we only have enough food for us - not enough for them..." and Jesus said, "Nonsense - give them your food, we'll be taken care of."  So ... today that would translate into, "I don't care what percentage of your income you pay in taxes (render to Caeser what belongs to Caeser) for drug addicts to get to eat, they are human beings and deserve to eat, so feed them.  Don't horde your money - I don't care about money, let them have it.  You have enough.  Have faith that God will continue to provide enough for you and them."  The whole parable of the Good Samaritan is about showing mercy to anyone who is downtrodden on the streets, and not judging them by their history.  Anyway, I should think the examples are replete, and I can't quote them all here.

Jesus was also a recipient of welfare and told his disciples to not worry about where they'd get their food or raiment or bed from, but to trust that God would provide it.  He commanded his disciples not even to pack an extra coat or to take money with them, but to trust that someone would give them what they needed along the way.  So for those people who don't have jobs, who don't have income, who struggle to survive, because of addictions or any other reason ... aren't they actually living the teachings of Jesus?  (Nowhere in the recorded literature about J's teachings is there any mention about avoiding drugs; in fact, he specifically states that what goes into a mouth is far less important than what comes out of the mouth.)

Matthew, chapter 6:

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

---

So I'm confused.  I don't understand what I'm missing here - as a student of Jesus' life and work, I can't corroborate the myriad spewings of hate, judgment, insensitivity, cruelty, pro-war, pro-violence, pro-torture, anti-equality, anti-aid, anti-compassion commentary I hear all over (particularly all over Facebook) from self-proclaimed christians with the man Jesus.

Jesus was the ultimate socialist.  He believed in owning nothing, living off of gifts and alms and magically-appearing food; he stopped working at the age of 30ish and just walked around and talked to people, offering free healing, free advice, free forgiveness, free everything.  He eschewed money, eschewed savings accounts, eschewed having-a-ton-of-stuff ...

I'm glad I got this out of my system - it's been confusing me for a while, and at least I can now refer to this post anytime it comes up again and not have to let it bother me.

As Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

The Individual in a Village part 2: The Mass Man

Oh boy! I'm super excited about this perspective! Especially because I'm reading two books right now, well I finished one of them, but anyways both of them are reinforcing each other in this idea of the mass man!

Let me tell you what the books are, to start off:

1) The Undiscovered Self, by Carl Jung (are you surprised? ha ha) written in 1957. I bought this one at Borders books. It's only like 100 pages long so it's a quick read, but his language is a little bigger than most books I'm reading these days so something to be prepared for. Also, this book was written shortly after WWII and at the time of the Iron Curtain, so he talks a lot about "the State" referring to governments in general, but this needs to be taken in context of the govenrments in Europe at this time.

2) Sacred Contracts, by Caroline Myss, 2002.

In case you can't tell, I really liked writing book reports as a student ... especially comparative ones! Mwahahaha ... blogging is fun for me because it makes me feel like I'm back in school.

I know, I know: I digress.

Starting when I was about 15 I've had strong urgings in my heart to do certain things, to stop believing in certain things, and to be a certain type of person. It's taken the last 10 years for me to get to the point I'm at with being authentic and faithful to my true self. I'm still not there yet either - I back down from what I'm feeling to a point still, I exercise mental-self-punishment on a regular basis for not doint things the "right" way, etc., but I am progressed in my faithfulness to self, and I'm in the pursuit of total devotion to my personal truth. That truth is relative and not absolute is a totally different topic, so we won't go there tonight.

One of the things I've experienced with these baby-steps I've taken in my life to honoring myself and my feelings is what Caroline Myss calls "separation or alienation from the tribe." She teaches that it's a primary part of each person honoring their purpose in life, to abandon to some degree their community, tribe, family or culture. I have experienced this to a great degree on many, many levels. Let me give you an example:

I served a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Santiago, Chile. The culture of a missionary in this religion is extremely concise; meaning, everything a missionary does, from they way they dress, to what time they go to bed, to how often they speak to their parents, is completely surrendered to the mission rules of the Church for 18 months-2 years. A missionary is told in training that they've given their life for the next year or two to God, and that every second and every breath now belongs to Him, and that the Church has been directed on how we are to use that time. Period. The leaders in my area were particularly orthodox with the rules.

I lasted for about a year before I could no longer honor the rules and live with myself. I didn't believe the Church's teachings because I had found truth through my studies of the teachings of Jesus and it didn't match up. I went through about 3 months of counseling while I was told to still continue as a missionary. It's a long story, and not a particularly useful one, so I won't get in to it, but the bottom line was that I finally had to put my foot down and say, "No! You can't tell me what I feel in my heart! I know I'm not broken because I feel the love of God in my life and it's encouraging me to stop this!" I was assigned for the remaining 3 months of my mission to work in an office where I was no longer asked to follow the rules of the mission.

It was HUGE for me! And on a superficial level I was totally guilt-laden, but on a deeper level I was LIBERATED! But the important thing here was that I found myself in a position in life where I had to choose between myself and my tribe.

Just two days ago I was asked to participate in a reunion for the missionaries. I declined the invitation. (It didn't feel appropriate to show up at a religious meeting touting that I left the church and became a Tarot reader... lol). It was still sad and hard for me, but it became very clear to me in the last 6 months of my mission that because of the culture of the mission, I would never have both my truth and my tribe. I do, however, maintain the friendships that matter most to me and that honor my decision.

Have you ever done this? Have you ever felt compelled to step away from a belief, culture, friend, family or community that made it impossible for you to be true to yourself? If you have, you're not alone. Every great person has to some degree.

Jesus, for example, left Nazareth and when he returned to share all he'd learned and become, he was rejected and sent off. Gautama (the Buddha) ran away from home to begin his journey to enlightenment. Ghandi studied in England and then lived in South Africa for many years, before returning home and initiating a revolution (which is a movement to change the culture of the tribe). Abraham moved to Canaan. Moses fled from Egypt to become a herdsman. Etc, etc.

So the question is this: why oh why is it necessary and important to distinguish yourself from your tribe?

The answer lies in every one of Carl Jung's teachings ... ha ha. Jung teaches in The Undiscovered Self that community in general, be it political, religious, familial, regional, cultural, etc., requires that a standardization of some form be accomplished. He says that the way that WE interpret the concept of community, WE adhere to a statistical belief system of averages. That is, our community is defined by the "average" situation found within it. It's a statistical approach of finding the common middle-ground. We sometimes call it "fairness" or "compromise."

So if the "average" American is 5 feet 7 inches tall, what are the odds of YOU being 5 feet 7 inches tall?

But here's the deal: who cares what the ODDS are - you are an individual human being and comparing you to the "average man" as specified in a community is comparing you to absolutely nothing. Because the "average man" doesn't exist which means that to "consider how the average person would act" would mean to "consider something that isn't reality." Jung says that reality consists of nothing but exceptions to the rule. "...the individual psyche, just because of its individuality, is an exception to the statistical rule and is therefore robbed of one of its main characteristics when subjected to the leveling influence of statistical evaluation," (p. 48)

Here's the problem. Let me quote a popular scripture from my local culture: "It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief," (The Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 4:13). Now this is a noble scripture - the good of the many outweighs the good of the one or the few, right?

But there's a problem with the psychology behind this teaching. This teaching insinuates that the community is more important than the individual. It expresses a fear of the power of the individual, and it teaches that the power of the individual must be squelched if it threatens the belief of the many!

I can see how in the context of the story of wicked King Laban and heroic Nephi it is a possible moral teaching, but when taken out of this explicit context, it's implications are powerfully detrimental to the psyche of an individual! I would even argue that in the context of the story it's a risky thing to say. This type of attitude creates what is called the "mass man" or the person who puts the values, ideals and truths of his tribe above his own. In fact, he never ventures to find out what his own beliefs are, because he wouldn't want to upset the status quo of the community. It's comfortable to belong to a community, because you just follow the already established rules and you never have to own your personal power.

...post never finished...