Tarot: To read or not to read?

I'm hesitating a little to write this post, mostly because it feels incredibly personal, and I think that the comparisons I make in it may feel too strong for some people.  Please bear with me as I share my real feelings and experiences. :)

Some of you may know this already - though many of my online readers probably don't - but I *HATE* doing tarot card readings.

I love tarot.  But I hate readings.

I talk about it all the time with people close to me, and anyone that gets in a general discussion with me about tarot.  I love the symbolism of tarot, the system of it, the way that the images on the cards can relate with so many thoughts, feelings and experiences in my life.  I love how in a tarot spread the pictures dance together to form thoughts and ideas and stories.  I sometimes say that for me tarot is like the most amazing and complex filing system: when a card comes up, I check the file in my brain assigned to it, and find I can access more information, ties, ideas and experiences from my memory because I've related it to symbols and images, than I can with just simple memorization of facts.

The other day I was talking to a friend who was explaining some spiritual lessons she was going through, and talked about how she's learned that "deadly sins" (read that term loosely, since "sin" isn't exactly anything I believe in) take residence in us and choke us, but we let them in, we allow them to do that.  I smiled at her and said, "I don't believe in sin, but what you're describing to me is the Devil card."  Then she talked about needing to find balance in an alchemical dance between openness and boundaries.  "Yeah, that's the Temperance card," I said.  Then she explained how when we free ourselves from habits that are hurtful or self-sabotaging it's like we rise from the dead.  Again, I smiled, "That's the Judgement card."  Just about everything in life, especially involving spirituality, matches one of the files in my mind that is labeled with a tarot card.  That's why I love tarot.

So why do I hate readings?  I've hated doing readings almost ever since I first became acquainted with tarot.  When I think back on it, I didn't mind doing readings for people when I was just practicing, or the online readings I did on the tarotforum.net page for strangers.  I don't mind getting involved in discussion and commentary about readings.  I just hate doing readings.  People always ask me why?  Why do I hate doing readings?  Over the years, I've given a lot of answers, but they generally boil down to these:

1. I feel like when I do readings people come with expectations, and I don't know how to meet them.  I just read what I see in the cards, and I have no idea how to make it meet any kind of expectation.  I've done a lot of different things to try and give people the right experience, and overall I've gotten golden reviews about my readings; so the expectations I'm worried about probably don't exist.  But my stress and tension over them do, and I hate feeling that way.
2. I don't love getting so personal and intimate with people, even if we're really only talking about their personal and intimate details.  When I read cards for someone, I usually get a lot of insight into their lives - from the cards themselves and from discussing the reading with them - and I find it taxing to be so intimate so quickly.  A lot of people tell me: you need to shield your energy, or make sure you aren't taking on people's problems, etc.  That's not what this intimacy issue is.  The issue is that most people I read for are complete strangers to me, and I feel uncomfortable being so rashly exposed to their lives and energies when I don't know them at all, and they don't really know me.  It feels intrusive, even if I'm an invited guest; kind of like staying at a complete stranger's home for the weekend.  Even if it's safe or fun or whatever, I don't like being immersed in other people's worlds.  I'd rather stay at a hotel, so to speak.
3. I usually don't feel sufficiently "in" to people's readings.  The best way I can describe it is with an analogy.  For me, each card reading is like going to a funeral.  I know that sounds drab, but bear with me.  Funerals are personal and emotional events, where people come into contact with things that are painful, traumatic or oddly liberating.  They are dealing with their emotions, and the entire event holds deep meaning.  But if I'm a stranger showing up at your grandma's funeral, I may be touched and cry or whatever, but I also may feel nothing.  And then I'm the weird person who's sitting comfortably in a room of emotional people feeling like a sociopath because I'm not moved at all.  Often, when I give readings, I find myself just reading away like I'm reading a newspaper or something, and my querents are very emotionally touched or moved; then I look up and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I should wipe the casual smile off my face probably..."  It's not a big deal, but I feel awkward and uncomfortable in such situations.  I'm not actually very empathic, so when people are struggling I often can't match the vibe authentically.  And faking a match feels terribly fake, which fakeness I try to avoid in my life.  
4. When people want readings - and I know this because I feel the same way when I want a reading, and I do sometimes want readings - they want them RIGHTNOW.  Not tomorrow, not next week, they want a reading at that very minute.  That means that my appointment book was always empty, but my phone and email are constantly buzzing with people in emergencies, and I constantly have walk-ins asking if I can drop everything and read cards.  For most people that would probably be cool, no big deal.  For me, it felt like I was always on a leash that someone would be coming to yank.  

Ok, those are all mediocre excuses.  It would make sense that I would dislike doing card readings, but to hate doing them?  Make no mistake, I hate doing readings - even when I make money at them, even when its for close friends, even for fun at a party, I hate doing readings.

Well, today I realized why I hate them, and because of this realization, I've decided on an immediate cease-fire for all tarot reading practice, because it's actually extremely traumatic.

In order to understand my feelings about card readings, we have to take a trip down memory lane.  When I learned to do tarot, I was immediately very good at it.  I started giving readings to friends and family, and they encouraged me to go pro and start charging to do readings for strangers.  I didn't want to.  I felt uncomfortable with the idea.  In fact, often the friends and family that I read for pressed me for readings I didn't want to give - but I'd do the readings because I felt bad withholding answers they desperately wanted.

Soon, the pressure to read professionally and for strangers got hotter.  People started begging me for readings.  I felt bad saying no, even though I really didn't want to do them.  Friends of mine would refer their friends, and I did my best to say no, but would often give in and read for them even though I didn't want to.  At the time, I owned a retail spirituality shop with my sisters, and me reading cards was often a throw-in at events to get people to come.   I didn't love doing them, in fact, I still suffered from medium-grade social anxiety, and the one-on-one nature of a card reading made me feel dread and resentment; but I was good at it, so I felt bad depriving the world of my talents.

Sometimes a reading here and there was fun.  I liked reading at parties where people would just blow through for quickie 15-minute flops.  But for the most part, I would hope for a reading because I needed the money and simultaneously pray that no one bought one.

Then one day, I decided to be done with readings.  I had a kind of traumatic experience with this stalker lady and a crazy love triangle.  I needed a break, I decided, and put my cards away.

Over the next three years, I'd keep my tarot cards close and on-hand, but only because I liked them, I liked to look at them - I always turned down readings.  I would read for my sisters here and there, or close friends upon request, but I still resented doing it.  I never read for myself.  It usually never occurred to me to even try.

Keeping my cards handy would put me in tricky situations.  My sisters loved telling people what a talented card reader I was, because they were proud of me for having such an awesome skill; then those people would invariably ask/beg me for a reading.  "No," I'd say kindly.  Then, "NO."  Then, "SERIOUSLY, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS."  Then with pressure from people's dire need or my siblings who were excited for me to show off, I'd give in and resentfully do a reading.

For three years I tried to avoid readings, and was pretty successful at avoiding them except maybe once every few months.  But every time it came up, every time someone asked for a reading, I felt dread and resentment.

Then I began working at another spirituality shop with friends who are some of the biggest fans of my readings.  They'd ask me for readings here and there, and I generally liked giving them readings because they were my friends.  These friends were so excited about my talent, and so proud of me, that they insisted I must begin doing readings again professionally.  I said no.  And they continued to press the issue.  I explained that I really hated doing readings, and they teased me.  Soon they started sending people to me for readings, whom I tried to send away or turn down, but ultimately I would have to read for them.  Then they'd send more.  I figured I should try to make the best of it, and since the little income would help, I'd embrace the idea of being a professional card reader.  So I did, I went for it full-force, and did pretty well for eight months.  Yay me.

Except every reading I did, I pretty much hated.  I know that sounds mean and harsh, probably especially for those of you who have gotten readings from me.  Please know that it isn't about you; I hated doing readings for my best friends. I don't usually hate the readings while I'm doing them, but I hate the lead-in to the readings and the post-reading chit-chat.  The intimacy of the readings, the urgency, the thick and heavy meaning behind them - all of those factors I dread, day in and day out.

So, I decided about a month ago that I needed a break from readings.  I told my friends to refer any old clients or walk-ins to a friend of mine who reads cards, and took down my signage and my business cards from anywhere they were displayed.

And you know what happened?  I had about 40 people over a two week period show up and ask for readings.  Arg!  Constantly having to turn people down, turn them away, say no, and no again, and no-seriously-NO!  And I read for some friends because I felt terrible turning them away in their time of need, and regretted it and become even more resentful of people asking for readings.

After discussing this issue at length with friends and family members, who are all baffled by why I hate readings so much - because everyone thinks my reasons are stupid (which in a way I agree with them), I finally said, "I just feel wrong about it.  I feel forced into being intimate with people.  I feel like from the moment I picked up a tarot deck, I've been pushed and prodded and forced to be in intimate personal settings with strangers that I don't feel comfortable in, and that because they're paying me and because I'm making them feel so happy, I should ignore my discomfort."

Guess what that sounds like, folks?

Prostitution.

Now, I'm not saying that card readings are the same physical thing as prostitution, but that's what doing card readings feels like to me.  Not because anything is wrong with readings (or prostitution per se), but because I have felt from the moment I started tarot, forced into intimate settings with people I don't know.  Forced to bear my soul, bear my talents, bear my feelings and personal relationship with tarot to people whenever they demand it.  And I hate it, but I need the money; or I hate it, but they need answers so bad; or I hate it, but I can't let my friends/family down.

Well, that's STUPID!

I realized that 95% of all readings I've done, I've done under duress.  And even when I was "taking it on" and trying to be all positive about reading cards, it didn't change that my entire being was begging me to stop doing it and I fought myself because I didn't want to let my pimps or Johns down.  LAME!

And so I've taken down all of the buy-a-reading links on my website.  Yay - I felt so happy and liberated the moment I did it.  And almost immediately I had the option of applying for an awesome grad school program - something new to dedicate my time and energy to.  Yay!  And because I have a friend who reads cards and is happy to take the referred clientelle, I just send people her way any time it comes up.  I am so happy to be done with readings.

But I'm not done with tarot.  I've got some teaching plans in the works right now, and I plan to pick up on my Spiritual Memoir posts again.  Tarot is my buddy that will stick around, and that makes me really happy.

So - there we go!  I'm wondering - do any of you have talents that you simply don't enjoy engaging in, but feel like you have to do them because you're so talented?  Or in what ways do you feel you prostitute your time, talents, energy and ideas out for money?