Spiritual Memoir #1: How I found Tarot

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Tarot Card: The Moon

Card 18 of the Major Arcana.  See pics in this post (from different decks).

My Interpretations of the Card

"Into the forbidden unknown"

Because the Moon card is in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, it represents a stage in the Hero's/Fool's Journey.  It is positioned between the Star and the Sun.  The Star represents a naked, vulnerable and trusting hopefulness, and the Sun represents a fulfillment of hope.  The Moon, between these two, represents the journey through the unknown.  But it isn't just the simple unknown, it is the forbidden unknown.  It is forbidden because there is a mystery and falseness about the moon, for it appears bright, but does not produce its own light, instead reflecting the light of sun.  Some would say that it steals the light of the sun, or falsely claims it like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The only way to find out if this is true, of course, is to experience it.  To step on that road, and taste it.

The moon can also seem undependable - some nights it shines, some days it shines; sometimes it's full, sometimes it's new (empty).  So there is an extent of chance, a gamble, with the moon.  Those who know its cycles, though, often find its shifting appearance to be magical and mystical, as opposed to a symbol of unreliability or even deviance.

Gilded Tarot 

In the Rider Waite deck's symbolism, the Moon card carries a hierarchical trilogy that is represented on many other cards, such as the Devil, the Lovers, the Hierophant or the Chariot (this is also represented in the Gilded Tarot's Moon card).  In these cards there is a balance of opposites, with a powerful, superseding force suspended above them.  The Moon card shows two identical towers, and two howling dogs on either side of a path leading from water into the mountains.  In the center above the path is the moon.  To me the Moon card looks like a balanced situation has reached its climax and that a new path must be taken - a mysterious new road where one leaves their familiar safety net behind.  The guiding force (the Moon) is not as reliable as the stars in the sky, including the sun, so before embarking on the journey the traveler must have a degree of self-confidence: if the moon disappears, and I have left my safety net behind, can I trust myself to pull through?  Will I be strong enough to follow no guidance other than my inner guidance?  Am I ready to take full ownership of my journey?

Spiritual Memoir: The Moon

I was kind of nervous about this first draw - would I know right away what to write about, or have to sit and ponder for a while for a spiritual experience that relates to whatever card I should draw?  Last night, I laid in bed, trying not to mentally scroll through all cards of the Tarot, preemptively matching up experiences from my life with each one.  I realized how big a number 78 was ... have I even had 78 spiritual experiences in my life?!?!  

This first draw, of course, will probably be the easiest for me, because I'm pulling from a full bank of experiences.  My personal story matching the Moon card popped right into mind.  It is, naturally, my story of beginning to read Tarot.

In the fall of 2007 I was working with my sisters to prepare for the opening of our metaphysical/new-age shop, and was also working full-time as a home loan processor.  I was 24 years old, and had just a year earlier renounced the Christian religion I'd been raised in (LDS/Mormon).  My sisters were on other spiritual paths, learning about Buddhism, being trained in Reiki, and reveling in crystals and angel readings, etc.  None of that stuff interested me; I mean, it was cool enough, but I had no desire to study or follow any of it.  They did instill in me a sort of superstition, though, with their obsession with the Law of Attraction.  

One day, bored at work and seeking entertainment, I looked up my horoscope online.  Then I clicked from here to there looking for a little more depth and information.  None of it really seemed like a match, or very interesting, so I just kept clicking around, from one link to another.  I got to a website that gave tarot readings, so I decided to give that a shot.  The website was http://www.facade.com/tarot (to this day this is the BEST automated tarot reading website out there!).  I asked the question "What's missing in my life?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled?"  I told it to pick a spread for me and pick a deck for me, and clicked the send button.

It came back with a one-card draw.  Today, I have no idea what deck it was from, or what card it was, but it was a black-and-white card with a picture of a scorpion on it.  I read the definition, (I have no idea what it said), and everything inside of my mind and heart became super quiet, like a vacuum - like outer space ... and my voice inside of my mind said quietly and clearly, "You need to make amends with your dad."  

My dad and I had, at that point, an adequate relationship.  I always resented that he demanded so much independence from us, so I kind of threw it back in his face and moved out when I was 17, and never really had a close conversation with him again.  We, for the most part, peacefully kept our distance from one another, and while there wasn't overt animosity, I kinda thought he was a jerk.  (More insight on this in THIS blog post.)  So this voice/reading in one way surprised me because I didn't see it coming, at all; but in another way it surprised me because it was SO right!  I could feel it suddenly, there in my heart: a longing for a closeness to my dad.  After hours and hours of searching online for something meaningful, I'd found the most powerful spiritual tool I'd ever personally experienced in my life: Tarot.

Tarot of the Cat People

So of course I immediately starting scouring the internet and reading everything I could about Tarot.  What is it?  How does it work?  What do the cards look like?  Oh, there are different kinds of decks?  I discovered the Tarot of the Cat People and decided I must have it, because I love cats!  I ordered it immediately online.  When the work day was over, I couldn't go home and do nothing - I had to get my hands on a Tarot deck, and start using it.  I drove to Barnes and Noble and got one of their generic little decks, and took it home.  My boyfriend at the time thought my passion was hilarious, and he teased me pretty relentlessly.  But I had to learn.  I had to find out how to get answers like that again.

I practiced Tarot for months: on myself, on my friends, on my cats, on anyone who would let me.  I consumed about 25 books, joined forums online, read every page of every website I could find, kept a scrupulous journal of my impressions and experiences.  The fever continued for about a year, and my love for it has never diminished.  I was reticent to do readings for money, but after several experienced friends from an online forum told me my readings were pretty damned good, I decided to go for it. ( http://www.tarotforum.net/ <-- best place to practice and learn Tarot.)

Tarot spawned my interested in archetypes, which led me to study of Jung.  It led me to studies of alchemy, astrology, numerology, druidism, animal totems and gnostic gospels.  It became a rock that I built a foundation of faith, study, and service on; allowing me to build and change my foundation as I saw fit, without impeding, requiring, commanding or taking anything.  Tarot is just there.  You make with it what you want, what you will.  

This relates to the Moon card, of course, because half of my world thought I was headed straight to the devil for taking this path.  Tarot was a mystery to them.  They thought (and some think still) that when I felt intuition using Tarot, it wasn't the light of God (sun), but the Devil's imitation of it (moon).  But I trusted, and stepped forward anyway.

The experience of discovering Tarot wasn't like the Star card, a hoping and trusting - it was a first step onto a mysterious journey where I was leaving behind my known world and seeking another.  It wasn't like the Sun card of joyous knowing and celebration - but a quest, a process, and it required me to get alone with me, to leave behind anything else I'd ever listened to in my life, and to step into the moonlit path of my inner knowing, my inner hearing.  Sometimes it's been fun and easy and delightful to just see clarity pop out of the cards, but often the reward is when the moon darkens, and I'm sitting alone on the path staring at a bunch of cards, and I have to struggle to find the meaning, I have to trust my steps in the darkness.  I find that I travel further under those circumstances that I would otherwise.  The moon is still there, even when it's new, it just isn't shining the light.  But it doesn't abandon.  It just gives us a little independence, pushes us to find our own lights.

For the record, for the past three years I have worked side by side running two businesses with my Dad.  We have become best friends. (See pics below!)

Me & Dad dancing at a business/social event in Dallas (2009)

Me & Dad at a business/social event in Washington DC (2010)

Robin Hood may be the answer!

I have this obsession with archetypes, right? I mean, I really dig Dr. Jung and Tarot and I think life is just a big spaghetti bowl of archetypes. If you don't know what an archetype is, click here.

So a few weeks back I was doing my normal sit around and think a lot thing that I do. And I started thinking about mythological archetypes: the Cinderellas, Beauties and Beasties, Rapunzels, Wicked Witches, Damsels in Distress, all of that stuff. And I got to Robin Hood for some reason. And he disturbed me, because in his own story he's the hero, but as I thought about it more and more ... maybe he wasn't so great after all.

I mean, why would we call someone who steals from the rich and gives to the poor a hero? Stealing is stealing is stealing. "Karmic debt is going to get his ass sooner or later," I thought to myself. So, is he good or bad? Is he a worthy hero to present to our children and posterity?

There are lots of heroes that we teach our posterity about that are mediocre examples of heroism. We tell stories out of habit and then neglect to recognize the real message we're portraying. Here's an example: my dad always says to me "I hated being in the military and every day I woke up and said to myself, 'Just one more day, just one more day.'" He tells me that, thinking he's presenting himself as a hero of perserverence. But I always heard him saying he's a hero for living unhappily for the sake of getting a paycheck. Like survival is more important than happiness. I hated that message.

Another example is the "Boy Scout" archetype. Now I'm not talking about the "Boy Scouts of America." I'm talking about Cyclops vs. Wolverine. The "obedient and unquestioning child." The "valiant leader of his father's armies." He who always "does it by the book." Sometimes, those boyscout heroes are nothing worth looking up to.

So anyways, I was wondering in my little head how the story of Robin Hood managed to perpetuate itself through hundreds of years and various cultures. Why has it survived? There must be something special about a story that makes it survive that long, that makes people tell it over and over. You don't recommend movies to people that were totally pointless to you, or restaurants that offered nothing special.

I went out that day and rented Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I took it home to watch it on my laptop. And the DVD didn't work. I took it back to Blockbuster and they said, "Oops! Sorry, you'll have to pick a different movie." I've checked that Blockbuster a couple of times since and they haven't replaced it. And I haven't been motivated/driven enough to go find it somewhere else ha ha.

Then, tonight, I was at my sister Sunny Jo's house, and lo-and-behold on her end table is a VHS copy of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. She'd borrowed it from my mom. I don't have a VHS player, so I took it to my sister Crystal's house and watched it.

The movie is not very good. I don't necessarily recommend it to anyone. I remember thinking it was epic when I was a kid, and watching it many times. But as an adult I couldn't remember the storyline. Anyways, it was pretty cheesy and even silly, and I could tell they were intending to keep it fun and lighthearted, but sometimes it was a little too much.

As the movie ended, I was disappointed. I felt no closer to my answer of what makes the story so enduring. I wondered at the Peter Pan lightheartedness, but that wasn't quite it. I wondered at just how the Sheriff of Nottingham was such a bastard, and Robin stood against him. But that wasn't really any different than any other story.

The VHS rewound, and I was looking at the movie's case and read the back of it. I was surprised that there was no synopsis of the movie on the back. It said just this:

"For the good of all men, and the love of one woman, he fought to uphold justice by breaking the law."

And that was the answer I was looking for.

Robin Hood personifies the light, or positive aspects, of the "Rebel" archetype very, very perfectly.

This was interesting to me especially, because just a week or so ago, I got an archetype reading from my friend Crystal and the "rebel" card was drawn. I feel sometimes like I'm rebellious, but not that it's an important role I play in life. AND, because of that reading, I've chosen to dress up at our archetype Halloween party (tomorrow) dressed as "the rebel." The Rebel has been on my mind, and popping up in my life. It's not surprising that the story of Robin Hood just popped into my mind one day! The Rebel's been trying to get my attention!

Here's what Caroline Myss says about the Rebel:

Light Attributes: Challenges authority to effect social change. Rejects systems (spiritual, political, or otherwise) that do not serve inner needs.

Dark Attributes: Rejects legitimate authority out of anger. Rebels out of peer pressure or fashion.
- I got this from her Archetypes deck -

See, in the movie (which I don't really care if the movie is the most original version of the Robin Hood story - it's the one that our society and culture recognizes today), Robin encourages people who are accepting of their unjust fate to fight back. Robin says, "Don't accept what life has handed you, don't let the man get you down, don't buy in to the system, STEP UP!"

The role of the Rebel in humanity is to question everything. To raise the standard by pointing out the flaws of the status quo. It can be a hard and restless way to live. The Rebel is related, as archetypes go, to the Destroyer, the Seeker, and the Hero. And maybe the Altruistic Judge is his cousin.

Where would we be without the Rebels? Quietly and passively accepting the status quo.

And do we not do that? Today, in our culture, in our environment - do we not often settle for the lower and wider paths? How many of you out there have an ok job that pays the bills and brings you nominal gratification? How many of you have forfeited your dream jobs? How many of us settle for mediocre marriages and relationships because we figure it's better than having nothing?

(Now that I'm getting in to this, I think the Rebel archetype might be married to the Prostitute archetype. Yah, yah I digress...)

For those of us feeling like it's time to stand up and say no, time to stop believing what we've been raised to know, and to stop embracing that which itches, Robin Hood is a tale worth pondering. In your life, who's the Sheriff of Nottingham taking over your world while you've "checked out?" When you check back in, will you not be willing to stand up against him?

Christian Slater, for a good part of the movie is a hater of Robin and with reasons. He keeps commenting that Robin is inviting trouble, making matters worse, etc. As the Sheriff was burning down their homes in the forest, I wondered if maybe Christian Slater's character didn't have a point. I mean, if Robin had just chilled a little they could have gone on forever, living like they were, kings of the forest - right?

Not so! Eventually, if one thinks to simply hide and sneak from those who would oppress them, war will come. The true question is this: when war comes *as it inevitably will*, will I submit to my oppressors, or risk everything and stand for myself? Robin Hood, the Rebel, teaches that submission is the same as losing everything, and thus the risk of loss through opposition is actually the only option with any possibility of victory.

Now not all people need to be rebels at all times in all situations. The Rebel, like any archetype, has his place and purpose in life. But if you feel him calling to you, in your mind or deep in your soul, it may serve you and the world to consider what he has to say. Like any archetype he has his flaws and shortcomings, and he's quick to answer to the heat of anger, so watch out for that.

But the good aspect of the Rebel knows how to light the fire of anger to useful and controlled degrees. In the case of Light Rebellion, anger is truly his gift of power to you. And that's something that Zach de la Rocha says too - a line in one of Rage Against the Machine's songs that has always been beautiful to me... "your anger is a gift."

I have one final thing to say about the Rebel. He is not automatically a leader, a creator of movements or change. A call from the Rebel is not necessarily a call to lead. It is simply a call of passion and truth to break away from antiquated or hurtful ways of thinking or being. It may happen that as you heed this call others will follow, as in the case of Robin Hood. But do not mistake a desire for power as a call from the Rebel. He has no passion or desire to command others, rather, his passion and desires lie in greater truth, wealth, happiness and freedom for the village - for the Whole. He is not out to prove - only to live and allow life.

Something that I find very beautiful is that this story has survived. In what seems often to be our fuddy-duddy world, our conventional and lemming society, this story is told over and over. Inasmuch as we live in a society and culture that allows us to tell these stories, of these Dark Knights, we are graciously free to heed their call and live their passions. THAT is EXCITING!

So, let's not go shooting down the modern day Robin Hoods because they threaten to expose cracks in our foundation. Let's be conscious of what our foundations are, how we've chosen them, and let's be inspecting them regularly for antiquity or flaw.

"...fight to uphold justice, by breaking the law..."

The Individual in a Village part 2: The Mass Man

Oh boy! I'm super excited about this perspective! Especially because I'm reading two books right now, well I finished one of them, but anyways both of them are reinforcing each other in this idea of the mass man!

Let me tell you what the books are, to start off:

1) The Undiscovered Self, by Carl Jung (are you surprised? ha ha) written in 1957. I bought this one at Borders books. It's only like 100 pages long so it's a quick read, but his language is a little bigger than most books I'm reading these days so something to be prepared for. Also, this book was written shortly after WWII and at the time of the Iron Curtain, so he talks a lot about "the State" referring to governments in general, but this needs to be taken in context of the govenrments in Europe at this time.

2) Sacred Contracts, by Caroline Myss, 2002.

In case you can't tell, I really liked writing book reports as a student ... especially comparative ones! Mwahahaha ... blogging is fun for me because it makes me feel like I'm back in school.

I know, I know: I digress.

Starting when I was about 15 I've had strong urgings in my heart to do certain things, to stop believing in certain things, and to be a certain type of person. It's taken the last 10 years for me to get to the point I'm at with being authentic and faithful to my true self. I'm still not there yet either - I back down from what I'm feeling to a point still, I exercise mental-self-punishment on a regular basis for not doint things the "right" way, etc., but I am progressed in my faithfulness to self, and I'm in the pursuit of total devotion to my personal truth. That truth is relative and not absolute is a totally different topic, so we won't go there tonight.

One of the things I've experienced with these baby-steps I've taken in my life to honoring myself and my feelings is what Caroline Myss calls "separation or alienation from the tribe." She teaches that it's a primary part of each person honoring their purpose in life, to abandon to some degree their community, tribe, family or culture. I have experienced this to a great degree on many, many levels. Let me give you an example:

I served a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Santiago, Chile. The culture of a missionary in this religion is extremely concise; meaning, everything a missionary does, from they way they dress, to what time they go to bed, to how often they speak to their parents, is completely surrendered to the mission rules of the Church for 18 months-2 years. A missionary is told in training that they've given their life for the next year or two to God, and that every second and every breath now belongs to Him, and that the Church has been directed on how we are to use that time. Period. The leaders in my area were particularly orthodox with the rules.

I lasted for about a year before I could no longer honor the rules and live with myself. I didn't believe the Church's teachings because I had found truth through my studies of the teachings of Jesus and it didn't match up. I went through about 3 months of counseling while I was told to still continue as a missionary. It's a long story, and not a particularly useful one, so I won't get in to it, but the bottom line was that I finally had to put my foot down and say, "No! You can't tell me what I feel in my heart! I know I'm not broken because I feel the love of God in my life and it's encouraging me to stop this!" I was assigned for the remaining 3 months of my mission to work in an office where I was no longer asked to follow the rules of the mission.

It was HUGE for me! And on a superficial level I was totally guilt-laden, but on a deeper level I was LIBERATED! But the important thing here was that I found myself in a position in life where I had to choose between myself and my tribe.

Just two days ago I was asked to participate in a reunion for the missionaries. I declined the invitation. (It didn't feel appropriate to show up at a religious meeting touting that I left the church and became a Tarot reader... lol). It was still sad and hard for me, but it became very clear to me in the last 6 months of my mission that because of the culture of the mission, I would never have both my truth and my tribe. I do, however, maintain the friendships that matter most to me and that honor my decision.

Have you ever done this? Have you ever felt compelled to step away from a belief, culture, friend, family or community that made it impossible for you to be true to yourself? If you have, you're not alone. Every great person has to some degree.

Jesus, for example, left Nazareth and when he returned to share all he'd learned and become, he was rejected and sent off. Gautama (the Buddha) ran away from home to begin his journey to enlightenment. Ghandi studied in England and then lived in South Africa for many years, before returning home and initiating a revolution (which is a movement to change the culture of the tribe). Abraham moved to Canaan. Moses fled from Egypt to become a herdsman. Etc, etc.

So the question is this: why oh why is it necessary and important to distinguish yourself from your tribe?

The answer lies in every one of Carl Jung's teachings ... ha ha. Jung teaches in The Undiscovered Self that community in general, be it political, religious, familial, regional, cultural, etc., requires that a standardization of some form be accomplished. He says that the way that WE interpret the concept of community, WE adhere to a statistical belief system of averages. That is, our community is defined by the "average" situation found within it. It's a statistical approach of finding the common middle-ground. We sometimes call it "fairness" or "compromise."

So if the "average" American is 5 feet 7 inches tall, what are the odds of YOU being 5 feet 7 inches tall?

But here's the deal: who cares what the ODDS are - you are an individual human being and comparing you to the "average man" as specified in a community is comparing you to absolutely nothing. Because the "average man" doesn't exist which means that to "consider how the average person would act" would mean to "consider something that isn't reality." Jung says that reality consists of nothing but exceptions to the rule. "...the individual psyche, just because of its individuality, is an exception to the statistical rule and is therefore robbed of one of its main characteristics when subjected to the leveling influence of statistical evaluation," (p. 48)

Here's the problem. Let me quote a popular scripture from my local culture: "It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief," (The Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 4:13). Now this is a noble scripture - the good of the many outweighs the good of the one or the few, right?

But there's a problem with the psychology behind this teaching. This teaching insinuates that the community is more important than the individual. It expresses a fear of the power of the individual, and it teaches that the power of the individual must be squelched if it threatens the belief of the many!

I can see how in the context of the story of wicked King Laban and heroic Nephi it is a possible moral teaching, but when taken out of this explicit context, it's implications are powerfully detrimental to the psyche of an individual! I would even argue that in the context of the story it's a risky thing to say. This type of attitude creates what is called the "mass man" or the person who puts the values, ideals and truths of his tribe above his own. In fact, he never ventures to find out what his own beliefs are, because he wouldn't want to upset the status quo of the community. It's comfortable to belong to a community, because you just follow the already established rules and you never have to own your personal power.

...post never finished...

My Owl Totem Story

Oh, I tried to sleep tonight. It's already 5 AM and I tried to go to bed at 4, but I lied in bed feeling inclined to post my newest learning. Which will be my next post. This one is a shorty that comes first!

Several months ago I was given a reading where the Owl was identified as an animal totem for me. For those who don't know, an animal totem is a specific family of animal or species that has habits, adaptations and lifestyles that one can study and learn valuable lessons about life from. Any person can have a number of totems that either follow them through life, or that pop up for short periods to teach them something.

Now it's a long story, so I'm going to whittle it down, but it's fun and meaningful to encounter a totem in the wild. It's fun because it's like tangible evidence that the real, actual animal is aware of you. So! I've been thinking for about a week that I'd like to go sit in the mountains and see if I could hear or see an owl. I've never seen or heard one in real life that I can remember. I never really even remember seeing any at any zoos or anything. For the past week I've been glued to clips of owls on YouTube.

So tonight I went running on the Provo Canyon trail with my sister Crystal. I had my MP3 player on as I ran. We went late, and it got dark as I was running. When I turned back and met up with Crystal, I turned my MP3 player off and we walked the last mile or so back to the car. We were just chatting and then I heard it! "WHOOo hoo hoho hoo ohhoooooohoo hoohoo" Ha ha. From what I've watched on YouTube it sounded like Great Horned Owl!! Far away from us I think, but we called out and said, "YO! Come down here so I can see you!" He didn't come down, but that didn't matter! He TOTALLY was hooting for me. I'm so stoked because it wasn't like I went and sat in the woods and meditated on owls or anything - I was just out exercising and I turned off my MP3 player right before I heard the hoots. Cute, huh!?!?

I also tried to tempt him down by claiming I had a skunk with me, because skunk is one of my totems too, and is the favorite food of the Great Horned owls. But, it was a lie, so naturally the wise old owl didn't fall for it!

Yay?

Yay!

I've discovered my Animus!

I've discovered something that I believe will alter the course of my life forever. Cool, huh?

I've been totally fascinated by Dr. Carl Jung lately, because with my study of archetypes and tarot his name is mentioned non-stop and so I've taken to reading books about him and learning more about his teachings. While this post won't have much to do with tarot, it will touch on archetypes.

Jung taught that the human psyche works in such a way that our personal unconscious as well as the collective unconscious tries to be in communication and understood by our conscious minds. This can happen in a lot of ways - for example through dreams. In a dream, our unconscious sends images to our conscious minds, typically in the form of symbols. The unconscious also communicates via archetypes - that is, pesonalities, experiences, ideas or lessons that are common to all of humanity. I like to look at the archetypal fairy tales and myths, like for example Robin Hood. Robin Hood himself is an archetype - a hero - and the Sheriff of Nottingham is an archetype, and their rivalry and experience is archetypal in that any person, from any culture in the world, any religion or language, who hears the story of Robin Hood, can relate to it. The story and its characters are meaningful to every human being.

.

Jung also taught that the most important work a person can undertake in their psychic, or mental/emotional/spiritual, development is to achieve a balance in themselves between the mysterious unconsciousness and the conscious mind or ego.

One of the mechanisms of our minds that moves us towards this balance is the presence of an animus or anima. A male psyche, as it develops from childhood, and experiences the contrast of the female, will develop a sort of inner-female-personality, called the anima. This is like the voice inside of his head that speaks for his "female" or sensitive, mysterious, emotional and spiritual side. A female psyche develops an animus, which is the same as the anima, but instead is male oriented - so it speaks the voice of logic, reason, present moment living, etc. The mind, as it is trained and taught by life to identify itself with one gender, or take gender out of it, as it identifies with one polarity, it will automatically create an opposite polarity to balance it out.

.

It's like this. Take a stone. Carve a sculpture out of it. Now the stone is "defined". And then take all of the chips, dust, and shavings that were removed as you carved the sculpture and save them on the side. The chips, dust and shavings are there to remind us of what the stone was before it became defined as a sculpture. They also serve to remind the stone that even though it has been defined as a sculpture, at it's core, in the end, it is still a stone.

Our animas and animuses remain in our minds to remind us of the wholeness that we once were (before being born), and that one day we can return to (at enlightenment or after death). They also motivate us to find companions in our lives that will complement us and challenge us to achieve greater psychic balance. They are our inner relationship coaches and the source of that deep-seeded attraction towards certain "types" of people.

Ok, so now it's story time. When I was something like 13 years old I met a boy that I decided was my soul-mate. His name is D. 

D and I dated on and off for a few years and I became obsessed with him. He eventually told me he wasn't interested and moved on.

Heartbroken and lost in life, I decided to serve a mission for the church I participated in at the time. I moved to Chile for 18 months to work as a volunteer for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While in Chile, I met another person. His name was G. G was a leader of the church at the time, in Chile, and he was (and is still I believe) married for a long time - G in fact was about 30 years older than me. He had children almost my age.

I struggled in Chile and found myself in a very vulnerable state because there was a lot of social pressure as a missionary and I found that I didn't like the church I was promoting. When G expressed an interest in me (I was about 24 at the time) I allowed him to believe he stood a chance, even though it was totally inappropriate. There was something comforting about an older man, established in his life, with a cute foreign accent, showing interest in me.

.

Ultimately nothing happened between us, and I returned home to the States. I have harbored bitter feelings for G because I feel like he preyed upon my vulnerability in many ways with a purpose of inflating his own ego. (I won't go into the details about this because I don't feel like it really matters for this post). 

When I returned from Chile, after some brief re-encounters with D, he married another girl, and I decided to move on.

That's when I met C. C actually is a lot like D. 

So C was and is wonderful. He and I dated/lived together for about 2 years. We had a lot in common and in particular we had complementary senses of humor.

But in the end after two years, we agreed that the relationship wasn't fulfilling either of us. And we broke up. (That was about 3 months ago).

And that, my friends, is my love-life in a nutshell. Pretty great, huh?

So now I'm in a space of wondering what type of person I want to be a in a relationship with, so that I can feel fulfilled, challenged, and satisfied. When I was 16 my friend Loni and I went to a palm reader on Hollywood Blvd and she said that I would marry a man from overseas and have 2 children. At the time I thought, "That's ridiculous - I'm going to marry D." But recently her prediction has come back to me and I've wondered. I keep imagining that my happiest relationship will be with a foreign man, older than me, much older and established in his life. And then I remember G and I cringe and think, "There's no way in HELL I'll ever be with a man like that." But when I dream and fantasize about it, the same figure keeps coming back into my mind, and I'm living in New England, and I'm happy and quite alone (because my older, foreign husband is off doing his things) and I have so much freedom and also so much love.

This is when I came across Jung's anima/animus theories.

In this book I'm reading right now, called "Teach Yourself Jung" by Ruth Snowden (2006) I read the following about Jung:

"Jung first became aware of his own anima when he was analysing his fantasies during his midlife crisis. He asked himself what he was actually doing, and was startled to hear a woman's voice quite clearly announcing, 'it is art'. He felt cross about this and replied that it was nothing to do with art, but the voice again insisted that it was. The voice was the voice of his anima. ... Jung soon realized that by personifying an archetype [as his anima] he was able to bring it into relationship with his own consciousness.

... For a man to be in touch with his anima is therefore healing and balancing. The anima is not a specific woman - her archetype contains all the ancestral impressions of what it means to be female. Her personified form in the individual psyche will depend very much upon a man's personal knowledge of women, which is rooted in his relationship with his mother, plus impressions gained about other women as he is growing up. Passionate attractions occur when the anima is projected onto an actual woman, so that the man falls in love. If, on the other hand, the man over-identifies with the anima, he may become very moody, resentful or effeminate. If a man's anima is very weak then he will find relationships with women difficult" (p. 61-62).

Also: "...it is useful to get in touch with our anima or animus, because they have valuable messages for us. They also have a huge role to play in making relationships with the opposite sex successful" (p. 63).

Ok, I don't know if that meant anything to you, but it meant a whole lot to me. The part where his anima actually speaks to him hit home. I sat and pondered this as I read it, and then all of a sudden it happened - my animus spoke to me.

In my mind's eye, I saw a totally black space with an open door in the distance, and light shone out of the open door (kind of like what you would see in Dick Tracey). Then, a man stepped into the doorway, with the light on his back, so I couldn't see his face, and so that his shadow was long.

Then he spoke. And he said nothing, but I knew instantly that he was Anthony Hopkins. Ha ha ha. I'm serious! My animus looks and talks just like Anthony Hopkins.

He doesn't really say anything to me, but now that I'm aware of him, I know that if I sat down and took the time to have a conversation with him, he would. And that still kind of scares me because I don't know what he'll ask me to face.

.

Ok, so the anima/animus is formed based off of father figures and other male figures in the life of a person when they're young. Later, through life, you'll encounter more people and your anima/animus may change a little but his/her strongest aspects will be defined in early childhood.

.

You know how people always say, "You marry your mother!" or "You date your father!" - like you're attracted to people you remind you of your parents? That's how the whole anima/animus thing plays out.

Now each of my siblings (there are 8 of us) has a totally different relationship/take on my parents. But my relationship with my father, as a child and kind of to this day, looks like this:

1. I'm awed by him and he seems unreachable and unapproachable
2. I'm intimidated by him, so I try to not get noticed too much
3. I'm quite rebellious towards him and I like to challenge him but without too much personal interaction
4. As a child he and I mostly connected on an intellectual level - we talked about science and math and world affairs
5. I prefer to see him interacting with others and enjoying his fabulous personality vicariously instead of having his focus on me
6. My dad never liked me dating D or C. He thought they were both underachievers.

Ok, now let me tell you about this Anthony Hopkins figure that is my animus

1. He's mysterious and mostly quiet. He has little to say, but when he looks at me I know he's watching my every move and has me figured out (think Hanibal Lector)
2. When he does talk, it's mostly small talk about things like science and world affairs - just trivial things.
3. He doesn't like my taste in guys. He doesn't like that I'm the more active person in my relationships. He says (and I'm hearing this in my head right now as I type) that if I'm going to be running the show in a relationship, I'd be better off alone and that he wants to see me in a relationship where I'm empowered and then left to follow my own passions.
4. He's very critical. And he's not afraid to express his dissatisfaction to me. But he's never critical of me, just of my choices. He likes me a lot and is totally intrigued by me - in fact the puzzle that I am consumes him - he's eternally fascinated and finds my resistance and rebellion fascinating and exhilirating (sorry if that's too graphic ha ha ha). He thinks he has me figured out and is perpetually curious to see if I'll act like he expects me to. When I don't act like he expects is when he gets cranky with me...but then his curiosity is revived.

Ok, enough of him.
Here's the thing with animas/animuses. They're in your head. Forever. They are a part of your psyche. If you piss them off, and don't respect their input (which is meant only to guide you towards balance) they'll nag at you forever. You gotta make your peace with them.
Have you ever been in a relationship with everything is smashing, going perfectly well, and there's this itch in your brain that you have to get out of it? I know that a lot of people experience this. "Why did I cheat on my husband?" they ask me - "I really love him a lot and he's SUCH a good person and there's really nothing wrong with him! I'm just not happy and I don't know why," Well, my guess is that you're not happy because your animus doesn't think your hubby is a good match and he's not going to shut up (even if your husband is a "good person").
Here's the big problem with animas/animuses - their personalities are based off of your life experiences with people of the opposite sex. So let's say Dad was abusive - well guess what? Your animus is likely going to be abusive and he'll encourage you to get into abusive relationships. Let's say mom was absent and self-absorbed. Anima is going to push you towards relationships where you do all of the work.
Now the reason they do this, is because if you were an abused child, your psyche and personality formed around abusiveness, so in order to be balanced, you have to be reacting against abuse. I don't know Jung's theory, but mine is that as you become more balanced in your reactions to abuse, your anima/animus will stop pressuring you to seek abusive realtionships. But this explains why there are so many battered wives that are perfectly happy in their abusive relationships.
So take a look at your life. If you are dissatisfied with your relationships, is it because you look for people based off of the "right" qualifications, or based off of what you're "truly" attracted to? If you are in a relationship because your partner seems "stable and healthy" do you find yourself craving adventure and risk? Did you pick someone beautiful, only to find yourself craving to be adored by your partner instead living in their shadow? If you picked someone strong, do you find yourself craving to overpower them somehow?
Think about this: D and C are very similar in that they're both my age, neither of them has any career path or even ambition for that matter, they're both dependant on their mothers to a great degree, and they both have enormous sweetness and gentleness. I think I'm attracted to guys like that because I like to resist my animus - I don't want to give in to him. But in my perfect relationship with C, I was totally dissatisfied.
Isn't that interesting?
The problem is that because of the surrounding circumstances with the G situation, I'm really, really resistant to trusting my animus, because G fit the mold much closer than C or D did. Ew and the thought of a relationship with anyone like him pisses me off.
And here's another thing - since I broke up with C, D magically reappeared in my life ... divorced. Naturally I'm excited and express interest ... and true to his nature he strings me along for a little while and then ignores me.
I'm clearly not learning my lesson!
But now that I'm clear on what my animus is (and I think I'll name him Anthony Hopkins) and on what purpose he serves, I think I'm in a path to trusting him and using his council and personality to lead me towards a fulfilling and balancing relationship. And THAT is exciting!

So watch out world ... of single, foreign, rich men who are ages 30-42 (sorry but a 17-year is gap is all I can swallow at this point.), who want to be in a relationship with a mysterious, independant, and spontaneous whackball 25-year old who researches things like Jungian psychology and tarot and the Bible for fun! I'm READY for ya!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!