How I decided I was a Hindu

This is the content of an email I sent to a friend of mine about how I came to declare Hinduism as my religion:

After leaving the LDS church, I decided to kind of informally make a list of everything I felt sure about, as far as spiritual beliefs go.  Here's a general summary of what I came up with after some soul-searching, reading a lot of books, and checking out some different spiritual paths:

• There is a greater power in the Universe that likes me a lot (loves me) and wants me to be happy.  We'll call this power "God" for the sake of simplicity.
• There is no such thing as sin.  God doesn't judge me or anyone else.  Everyone goes to heaven.
• We are innately good beings.  How we are raised - our environment - is what teaches us any unkind behaviors or attitudes.
• This life is stupid.  God doesn't condone, support, or really participate much in this world.  The most God is involved in, is warming our hearts and making us feel good.
• We are spiritually the same person, but different manifestations of it, and we are one with God.  Meaning, every person around me is me, and is God.  God is like the ocean, and each of us are drops of water that have come out of the ocean - but we're all still water, and we all still come from and belong to the ocean.  The ocean is composed of trillions of drops of water, and doesn't have a mind of its own, or a will of its own, but the combined forces of all of the drops of water make up "the ocean," or the combination of all of us make up "God."  Don't know if that makes sense.
• I believe in reincarnation.  I think we come back to this earth over and over again, and I have vague feelings/conceptions/memories of having been here before.  Returning to this world over and over is the only hell, and we can choose out of it by taking the paths of enlightenment, and eventually choosing to stay with God instead of returning here.
• Everything in this world is a symbol.  All religions carry God symbols, and are all useful tools for seeking God.  It isn't a question of right or wrong, good or bad, but of connected to God versus shut off from God.
• The purpose of life is to not come back to this life.  To be done.  To return to God.  We will always choose to be reborn, though, until we forgive ourselves for all of the dumb things we've done over the course of all of our lives, and are brave enough to face God.  Like the Prodigal Son, we're scared that "our Father" will judge us for screwing up and are scared to face him, but when we finally do, no matter what our screw-ups, he'll welcome us home and kill the fatted calf for us.  The only barrier between us and heaven is our own self-judgment and self-loathing.

I just remembered that I read a book that first got me thinking about all of this stuff.  It's a serious mind-fuck, but one of the greatest books I've ever read, and I totally believe it's true.  It's called "The Disappearance of the Universe," by Gary Renard.  I read it about 4 years ago.  It really fucked me up, in a good way, but don't read it if you don't want your world to be dumped on its head.  If you're looking for real answers though on what life is really all about, it's the only book I can recommend (for starters of course :).

That book is an intro to a book called, "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM).  ACIM is, I believe, written by Jesus and everything the Bible should be but isn't.  But it's hard to read at first, and really really hard to read without reading The Disappearance of the Universe first.  Here's the official summary of the whole book, which I love and want to get tattooed on my arm:

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God."

Then, about 2 years ago, I read a book called "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahansa Yogananda.  That's what sold me on Hinduism - everything I believed already was just casually and naturally talked about by Yogananda like it was no big deal, nothing new, just obvious facts.  The book is really fun, and Yogananda is just this super-sweet, silly, purehearted guy.  Love him to death, and I believe everything he says.

So here's the deal with Hinduism.  These days there are lots of sects of Hinduism (like there are different sects of Christianity), but my beliefs mesh with just traditional, non-sectarian, old-school, vanilla Hinduism.  Like the Krishna temple in Spanish Fork is way out of sync with vanilla Hinduism.  So not them.  

• All versions of "God" are just the great power of the Universe that we both are and have ceased to be.  All of the Gods they talk about in Hinduism (like Krishna, Shiva and Ganesha for example) are just symbols for the one true God which is us in our enlightened form.
• The purpose of life is to stop buying into the BS of this world and see through the illusions and remember who and what we are: God.  "Everything that can be seen is an illusion.  Only that which is not seen is real."
• There is no religion to practice, no rites that are necessary, no groups to join.  Just connect with God.  Do it through prayer, meditation, running - whatever you want.  (By the way, ACIM recommends finding others to study with, like a book club, but forbids the formation of any organization.  Everyone must find their own path to God.  Love it.)
• Love and kindness are the greatest powers of the Universe.
• There is no sin.  Just hard paths and easy paths.
• Jesus was just a great Yogi, as were Mohammed and Buddha.  Wise words should always be listened to and heeded.
• Reincarnation is a reset button to try again at life.  Hopefully we'll get it down this time.  The trick to getting out of the reincarnation life-cycle is to stop buying-in to the illusions of this world and remember who and what we are.
• Etc.

Here's a list of the 5 principles and 10 practices of Hinduism: http://hinduism.about.com/od/basics/a/principles.htm.

And that's it!  The good news is that despite my flaws and problems, I'm still an active Hindu.  Everyone gets to go at their own pace, find their own answers, and walk their own paths.  Real truth-seekers will always come to the same conclusions, and those who don't are just real truth-seekers in hibernation.  No worries, no judgments, no criticisms.

Now, doesn't that sound more like God?

Back again...but not sure if I want to be...

I just read some of my old posts in this blog.  I like them.  A lot.  In fact, I like ME in them.

Which brings me to my distress in posting to this blog again - I don't want to mar some good thinking and positive energy with negativity and sadness.  But alas, I'm going to, because I think it will be good for me.

A lot has changed in the something like 3 years since I started writing.  I am, in fact, definitely "more successful" now than I was when writing before.  But I don't feel that way.  I feel lost and icky.

Incidentally, as far as my success goes, I haven't followed wealth or power or found true love - but I have found a dream and followed it, and have had some successes along the way, including a fabulous opportunity to study under the greatest minds in my field (international aid and development).  So why-oh-why the sadness?

Lots of reasons, but instead of dredging up the past, I'm just going to focus from here forward.

Life stresses me out.  For some reason, I feel like a slave to life, instead of a creator or champion.  I feel like every choice I make ties me into 1,000 commitments that I don't want to be a part of.  I burn out so easily.

On the one hand, I hear accolades that I'm "amazing" and "taking on so much."  But inside I know that I'm not doing as much as others, as much as I probably could.  So what do I do with that?

I'm curious about others, especially those I really look up to and aspire to be like.  How did they get to be that way - so driven and focused and diligent?  Were they born that way?  Is it just because they're boys and I'm a girl (yes, all of my idols/heroes are boys)?  Is it because they're so much older than me (they're all 50+, or at least were at the time of their dawning greatness)?  Is it something I can learn with discipline?  Is it something I can learn without discipline?  Is it worth it to become that, or do they have, every day, the same feelings of "not enough" and "must do more" that I do?  And that's no way to live.  ... or is it?

I think I need to be more rigorous in my spiritual practices and studies.  I know that sounds like an obvious thing to "think" I need to do, lol.  A Course in Miracles is my book, and meditation is my practice.  Maybe yoga too.

So that's why I'm writing in this blog again.  I can't just do those things, I need an outlet for them.  And now I'm living in New York City and don't really have a soul-friend that I can sit on a porch with and drink wine with and share my spirituality with.  So this blog seems like a good outlet.

To be continued...