I just read some of my old posts in this blog. I like them. A lot. In fact, I like ME in them.
Which brings me to my distress in posting to this blog again - I don't want to mar some good thinking and positive energy with negativity and sadness. But alas, I'm going to, because I think it will be good for me.
A lot has changed in the something like 3 years since I started writing. I am, in fact, definitely "more successful" now than I was when writing before. But I don't feel that way. I feel lost and icky.
Incidentally, as far as my success goes, I haven't followed wealth or power or found true love - but I have found a dream and followed it, and have had some successes along the way, including a fabulous opportunity to study under the greatest minds in my field (international aid and development). So why-oh-why the sadness?
Lots of reasons, but instead of dredging up the past, I'm just going to focus from here forward.
Life stresses me out. For some reason, I feel like a slave to life, instead of a creator or champion. I feel like every choice I make ties me into 1,000 commitments that I don't want to be a part of. I burn out so easily.
On the one hand, I hear accolades that I'm "amazing" and "taking on so much." But inside I know that I'm not doing as much as others, as much as I probably could. So what do I do with that?
I'm curious about others, especially those I really look up to and aspire to be like. How did they get to be that way - so driven and focused and diligent? Were they born that way? Is it just because they're boys and I'm a girl (yes, all of my idols/heroes are boys)? Is it because they're so much older than me (they're all 50+, or at least were at the time of their dawning greatness)? Is it something I can learn with discipline? Is it something I can learn without discipline? Is it worth it to become that, or do they have, every day, the same feelings of "not enough" and "must do more" that I do? And that's no way to live. ... or is it?
I think I need to be more rigorous in my spiritual practices and studies. I know that sounds like an obvious thing to "think" I need to do, lol. A Course in Miracles is my book, and meditation is my practice. Maybe yoga too.
So that's why I'm writing in this blog again. I can't just do those things, I need an outlet for them. And now I'm living in New York City and don't really have a soul-friend that I can sit on a porch with and drink wine with and share my spirituality with. So this blog seems like a good outlet.
To be continued...
2 comments:
Welcome back in your vulnerable form. I love it. I love you.
I can't help thinking about our discussion the other day about our mutual friend, Hephaestus. You shared some feelings/concerns/judgments about what you perceived as (and he actually called ... I think erroneously) "lazy".
Considering other discussions I've had with Hephaestus, I think I've more accurately identified what this "laziness" really is ... a decision to not make "worldly productivity" his #1 priority.
We (you, I, and SO MANY others) have bought into America's value system - that productivity and a long list of "doings" is what makes/defines success. In its relentless quest for GNP, America pays no attention whatsoever to GNH. (Gross National Happiness).
In fact, it gladly -nay, *viciously*- sacrifices GNH for the economic "bottom line".
ACIM makes a very poignant statement: We are Human BE-ings, not Human Do-ings.
NOW - with that said, I, too, am at fault in forgetting what's important in my endless drive for "success", so at the risk of being the pot who's calling the kettle black, I'd suggest remembering who you are, where you came from, and what the point of being here (on Earth in this body) is.
.... unless you want to "hit the reset button" again and come back YET ANOTHER time ...
Of course, this doesn't mean that one should do *nothing* ... just that *balance* is A LOT more than "just a good idea".
In your specific circumstances, maybe just releasing occupations/dreams/relationships that specify your role as a "team player" as really meaning that you're the ONLY one to be counted on ... for everything ....
Yeah?
ps: How do I subscribe to this blog anyway? (Don't see a button). Maybe just do that email-ey dealie where you set it up that I get every new post emailed to me?
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