The Butterfly Effect: A Magical Manifestation of Abundance

It's August 3, 2012, and I'm sitting at High Vibes Coffee & Crystals in Orem, UT, where I volunteer/trade working hours at the shop in exchange for meeting Reiki and Tarot clientele, and training in Reiki through Lisa Ross-Walker.  Troy Walker, the owner of the shop, and I, are having a little chat as I relieve him on his shift - something we do almost every day for 30 minutes or so.  I'm feeling deflated, tired and down.  As Troy and I are taking a look at why I feel like such crap, I start on a rampage.

Troy and Lisa

"I'm on my last pair of contact lenses, Troy, and I've been wearing them for like two months.  I finally saved up enough money to buy more, but the Optometrist won't let me renew my prescription unless I pay for a full eye exam, which I can't afford right now.

"I need to get a business license to make sure my Tarot and Reiki business is legal, and to make sure my student loan payments stay in deferment.

"I dropped my phone in the toilet the other day, and it survived until two hours later a can of soup fell out of the kitchen cupboard on it and smashed the screen.  I waited two weeks for a new screen to arrive in the mail, and as I was installing it, for some reason the LCD connector on the motherboard of my phone short-circuited and now the phone's totally ruined.  John and Cindy Hoover brought me a loaner phone until I can afford a new one, but it's the wrong technology to work with the SIM card I have.

"I gave a Reiki treatment the other day to a guy in desperate need who said he'd bring me the $55 the next day - two weeks later I still haven't heard from him."

Enter my tears, which I apologized for, and Troy insisted that I allow myself to cry as much as I needed to, even though I was "at work running the shop."  I started bawling.

"I just don't understand, Troy.  I understand how the Law of Attraction works, I'm reading the Divine Matrix and studying A Course in Miracles which confirm that by feeling positive and excited about my financial abundance I will pull it in to my space - but every time I get the money I need, the cost of what I hope to accomplish escalates.  I've been doing meditations and worksheets and grids for my root chakra, and embracing each experience as an opportunity for my situation to always be improving, but I'm reaching a breaking point where I just can't feel it any more.  I don't have a car or a phone, so it would be really challenging to even get a job if I wanted one at this point ... I mean, fuck, man, I just feel so screwed!"

After another 30 minutes of releasing my frustration, I started to feel better.  The release was good, and with a shaky resolve, I was able to step back into an energy of gratitude, hopefulness and happiness.  At around 3 PM I posted this on my Facebook page:

"In my life I'm surrounded by the nicest, most caring people on Earth, and I'm really grateful for it. Today, Troy W. Walker listened to me bawl for about an hour about how I don't understand how to live a life with passion and also make the money I need. How often does a 30 year-old chick get to bawl on her boss' shoulder? Thank you to all of my friends - I lack for nothing in that department! :) "

The next day, I came into work.  Troy handed me an envelope.  I opened it, and found inside a card and letter from him and his wife Lisa, and a $100 bill.  I grinned and thanked him profusely!  Holy crap!  A free $100 bucks in cash!!!

Two hours later, my dear friends John and Cindy Hoover pull into the parking lot.  Attached to their car is a trailer with a barely-used beautiful white-and-chrome scooter motorbike of theirs on it.  They get out of the car, and say, "Surprise!"  Cindy hands me the title to the scooter, signed over to me!!!!  "Check out your new scooter, sister!" she and John exclaim! Dudes - they loaned me a car for six months and asked nothing in return, and yesterday they GIFTED me a totally functional, barely-used scooter!!  Cindy then hands me a blank check to pay for the registration on it, and lets me know that she's prepared to take me helmet shopping on Monday if I can't find/afford a helmet in the next two days.

HOLY.

CRAP.

!!!

All I can do is talk and talk and talk and giggle and laugh and make sure every person who comes into the shop congratulates me on my new motorcycle!!  :)  :)  And take it for like 5 test-drives around the parking lot.  And insist everyone that comes into the shop takes it for a test drive.  :)

James and Sunny

I leave work, and know my brother-in-law, James, just sold his motorbike, and may have a helmet.  I go to his house on my new ride and ask him, and he offers me this crazy helmet that was squishing my chubby cheeks.  The helmet wasn't ideal, but I thanked him and said I may or may not keep it depending on what else I could find.  I head over to my other sister, Shauna's, house, show off my scooter, and ask her if she has a helmet I can have.  As I'm telling her my whole story for the day, she stops me and says, "I have a cheap AT&T phone you can use!"  She runs into her office and brings out a phone for me, that's still in the box, and lets me know I can keep it as long as I need to, until I can afford my own replacement.

"By the way," Shauna's husband Billy adds, "Your dad was trying to sell some motorcycle helmets last week at his yard sale.  He gave them to Sunny and James.  So they should have extras that maybe James didn't know about..."

I head back over to Sunny and James' house and ask them about the other helmets.  "Oh yeah," they say, "but I think they're kid-size helmets."  They pull one out of their goodwill pile, and sure enough it fits like a glove!  And it's white and matches my scooter :)  Granted, it's like 20 years old, but it doesn't squish my face, lol, so I was STOKED!!

In short, in 24 hours after my breakdown, I had purchased my business license, had a new scooter and everything I needed to safely and legally operate it, got a replacement phone, and had $90 left over to put towards my contact lenses.

Shauna and Billy

Oh yeah, and right after my breakdown, Troy, who works as a Real Estate Agent, hooked me up with a job at his brokerage as a Spanish-to-English translator for shortsell files with Spanish-speaking sellers (because no one at his brokerage speaks Spanish!).  I already was assigned to my first file, and will be making $20 an hour just to go to meetings with sellers and translate - on my own schedule of availability, totally part-time, and doing something I can totally believe in (helping people get through a sticky financial time in their lives).

Problems.All.Solved.

SO...

Liberty.  You're welcome for
this choice in pic, Lib :)

I've been thinking about it, and why the timing happened as it did.  First of all, as I was talking to my sister Liberty (who feeds me and lets me live with her for free and totally gives me anything she can in terms of financial support and assistance even though she's a single mother of 4 kids and a student, because she believes in me, which is amazing in and of itself), and we realized that when I go to anger with issues, which I usually do first, it buries sadness deep inside of me.  By crying to Troy, and actually acknowledge that I'm not just mad and frustrated, but sad, I acknowledged and released the sadness, which was likely blocking the flow of energy/abundance to me.  Once I released the sadness, I immediately manifested major abundance through the generosity of an amazing community.

Lesson 1: Playing tough and angry blocks my energy.  Releasing sadness moves my energy.

Awesome.

Next, I couldn't stop thinking about the power of the Butterfly Effect.  In this situation, a whole cascade of blessings was waiting for me, and what really set it off, what released the avalanche, was me releasing my feelings, and THEN posting with honesty about my shortcomings and needs, and also gratitude for the support I WAS ALREADY receiving from a member of my community.  One small post got John and Cindy excited (and definitely not feeling obligated) about joining in on the fun of making someone's day (as Troy had done by listening to me and giving me permission to cry).  After John and Cindy left from dropping off my scooter, this is the stuff THEY were posting on Facebook:

"When you hang with amazing people,amazing things will manifest in your life."  - John Hoover

He was posting that hanging out with ME made his life manifest amazing things for HIM when he gave ME his scooter.  Like, what??  I'M the one who benefited from having HIS amazing friendship.  He is incapable of seeing how I have been blessed any more than he has by this experience.  Cindy was texting Liberty all night, reveling in her excitement at having seen my shocked face.  Cindy felt like SHE was getting the blessing, when she gave ME her scooter.  Amazing people!

So Troy listened to me bawl, John and Cindy immediately started cleaning up and making small repairs on the scooter, Lisa bought a card and found a crisp $100 bill, and I had done NOTHING to make that happen other than be honest and grateful despite my sadness over my trials.

Lisa was so excited about HER gift, her energy and juju was SO inspiring, that as she was picking up a rental car later that day, her economy car was upgraded to a brand-new sexy red mustang!  So she raced back to the shop to show me, and lo-and-behold I had my own cool new car and we all just laughed and laughed in a big happy family about the crazy fun abundance we were manifesting.

Then, as I was sharing my joy and hopping to new tasks, my sisters were thrilled to join in on the fun, giving me a phone and helmet.  Ripples and ripples of effect, ripples that John and Cindy felt, that Troy and Lisa experienced, that my sisters were able to perpetuate, on and on...

Going for a ride on my new bike with helmet!  Yeah!

And it was all happening because of relatively simple, but heartfelt and loving gestures on everyone's part.  A listening ear, passing around used but still useful resources, words of gratitude and simple tokens of appreciation.  There was no scheming, no master plan, to make this happen, and especially not to make it happen in such crazy, perfect timing.  It was just a ripple - a huge-ass ripple that somehow flowed out to my community and came back to me.  I didn't create it, I received it; they didn't create it, they received it and passed it on and the flow will continue forever, as long as the waters of connection and community are receptive to that marvelous rippling that does nothing but bless us.

That's the Butterfly Effect.

Hopefully, this blog got you feeling excited, and feeling a little fluttering of gratitude and hopefulness.  Hopefully, my words, your reading them, and sharing the possibilities of the power of unity and generosity will pass on a ripple that will reach your life and beyond!  I think it can and will.  I believe it's your turn to also receive!

Spritual Memoir #10: The Winter of my Mormon Mission

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite deck

Tarot Card: The Hermit

Card number 9 of the Major Arcana of the tarot. 
(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Sometimes the path is to stand outside in the cold and hold up our light, unwavering and unafraid..."

Aha!  Ask and ye shall receive ... I've been wanting to do a Major Arcana card, and mentioned this desire in my last Spiritual Memoir post, and I got it on my very next draw.  Hooray!  Plus, I love the Hermit card!  It's one that I can really relate to (because I'm really a bearded old man ... well, maybe on the inside... :) .

The Hermit has a traditional meaning of seeking truth by taking time in solitude and asking oneself the "hard" questions.  I love that meaning, but today, I'm seeing a different angle for him.  As I look at these Hermit cards I have posted in the blog, I get a sense of the silent drudgery that is sometimes the path for truth-seekers.  Sometimes it's magic and sparkles and dramatic senses of connection and power ... but often, as we are on the path of learning about ourselves and mastering our lives, we stand outside, in the cold, alone, holding up the lamps of truth that only gently light the way. And, the tarot teaches us, that is a relevant and powerful part of the experience.

I love the Hermit card from the Tarot of the Magical Forest (below).  I love the bear - I love the symbolism of the bear fattening up so it can go hibernate in its cave.  But I can't help but wonder why he isn't in his cave yet?  Has he not found it, or is he intentionally weathering the winter without turning his brain off during hibernation?  I get the impression he's deliberately stepping outside of normal bear-ness, and standing in his greater truth: "My mind will stay on, my eyes will stay open, and I will consciously weather this storm."  

Tarot of the Magical Forest deck

In general, in the tarot, nine cards represent solitary ventures, and being with oneself.  Both the nine of cups and the nine of pentacles show individual, independent success; the nines of swords and wands depict individual torment.  True to form, the Hermit as card #9 of the Major Arcana represents the Mother of individual quests: that of facing the dark, cold night in solitude, but with the light of truth ever flickering in hope and subtle warmth.

Spiritual Memoir: The Hermit
As I've stated in previous posts, like THIS one, I never wanted to serve a "mission" for the LDS (Mormon) Church, but did, because I didn't know what else to do with my life.  This memoir will tell you a little about the invaluable experience I had during those challenging 18 months, and how feeling totally isolated and alone in a spiritual and emotional winterland gave me a powerful Hermit experience.

To start, I want to make it totally clear that my experience as a missionary was completely atypical!  Almost every other person I've talked to that served missions scratch their head in amazement at how unusual my experience was from the start.  If you don't know what a Mormon missionary is, THIS LINK will give you a quick rundown.  I went to Santiago, Chile for my mission.  Note, that as a missionary, I spent 18 months with every second of every day dictated to me of how I could dress, who I could and could not talk to, what I could read or listen to, when to wake up and go to bed, etc.  

For some reason, I had the understanding that on my mission, I would basically be hanging out with non-participatory members of the Church only, working to entice them to engage back into a "Mormon" lifestyle.  I had no idea that I was expected to approach strangers on the street and ask them if I could come into their home and teach them my religion.  (I thought that girls didn't "proselytize").  Upon entering the Missionary Training Center, both of my teachers were off of work - one was on her honeymoon, and the other injured his knee.  Since I already spoke Spanish, I was basically there just to learn "how to be a missionary", but without teachers, my little class just sat around and drew Ninja Turtles on the white board for three weeks.  

When I arrived in Chile, I was assigned a Uruguayan companion (whom I had to spend 24/7 with and whose side I could not leave under any circumstances) who did not speak any English, and whose culture was very different from mine.  She told me the first day that we were going to walk up to some guy on the street, engage him in conversation, and ask if he we could come to his house and teach him our religion - and that it was my turn to talk, I had to do the whole thing with her standing silently by my side.  

"No," I said resolutely.  "Absolutely not - I'm an introvert, I don't walk up to random people and talk to them." 

She laughed.  "You'll be doing it every day for the next 18 months.  We have to make 20 street contacts a day between us," she replied.  

"Um, no," I responded.  After a few days of being told by the entire missionary system that my refusal to make street contacts was totally unacceptable (especially in the eyes of God), I prayed for help and started making street contacts.  Each and every time I made one, a little part inside of me died.

Crystal Visions Tarot

Enter my desperate, lonely journey into the cold wilderness of the Hermit.  

After six weeks I was moved to a different part of town, and had a new companion.  To this day we are the best of friends.  It helped to have my constant companion be someone who understood my background and culture.  We still obeyed all of the rules and took our work seriously, and it was heaven to be in the presence of such an awesome person (I LOVE YOU KATIE), and I prayed and prayed and fasted and worked with faith to have some type of understanding of why I hated everything about being a missionary (they say that God will open your heart and give you peace if you do stuff like this).  Nothing happened, and when Katie and I were separated, a bigger chunk of me died inside.

For a year of my mission, I pushed and tried and "let go" and obeyed, obeyed, obeyed.  Every time we invited a person to be baptized a member of the Church and they said no, I exhaled a sigh of relief - I felt like the church just complicated the already challenging lives of the good people we taught.  For a year I wandered in the dark cold wilderness of the Hermit, completely alone, and without any light (meaning: I didn't have the little lamp yet).  In fact, it felt like all others had gone into a safe cave to hibernate, and I couldn't sleep, and found myself completely alone and awake in the dark cave.  After a year, I was assigned to train a new missionary as my companion, a sweet gal from Peru.  In this case, I was supposed to be the strong one, insisting she make the street contacts.  She was afraid to, totally understandably.  But with the responsibility of pushing her falling on my soldiers, I had an emotional breakdown.  I began to have extreme social anxiety, and every day would just wander the streets with her in silence, trying to hold in my tears.  We'd go home for lunch, and I'd tell her I was going to pray in the bedroom, and just bury my face on my bed and sob for as long as I could get away with.

I talked to the Mission authorities, and they said, "Pray more, testify more, have more faith!"  So I did.  And nothing happened.  I never entered peaceful hibernation like the others, I never felt myself safe in the hands of God.  I was aware of my hunger and the painful loneliness of sitting in the dark cave.

Then, one day, while I was studying the scriptural canon of the church, I was praying for anything from God, any word of help/advice, and I flipped open my scriptures, pointed at a random verse and read the LDS scripture of Doctrine and Covenants 124:49.  It reads:

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings."

A bell went off in my head, and I felt the warm loving presence of God in my life.  It was like a warm, glowing lantern appeared in the cave for me.  It couldn't be!  Could my answer come in the form of a light (and not hibernation)?  What was I thinking!?!?  So I picked up a Church magazine that had a General Conference talk (or messages from Church leadership) on missionary work.  I was going to read the talk to pep myself up.  I flipped it open, and the first thing my eyes landed on was a sentence by Gordon B. Hinckley, then President of the Church that said:

"...I wish to say that the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve are united in saying to our young sisters that they are not under obligation to go on missions...."

I distinctly remember the quote being from a recent conference talk, but as I am researching it for this blog post, it looks like the quote is from 1997 (I was in Chile in 2004-2006).  So I don't know what that's all about.  But this is definitely the quote, because it goes on:

"We do not ask the young women to consider a mission as an essential part of their life's program. Over a period of many years, we have held the age level higher for them in an effort to keep the number going relatively small. Again to the sisters I say that you will be as highly respected, you will be considered as being as much in the line of duty, your efforts will be as acceptable to the Lord and to the Church whether you go on a mission or do not go on a mission." 

--"Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service"
Gordon B. Hinckley, 1997 October General Conference, full article HERE

Maybe what I read was a different talk that said the same thing - I'm surprised this isn't matching up like I thought it would (time-wise).  Anyway...  The next day I was allowed to check my email for messages from my family, and my mom, who is SUPER-DE-DUPER Mormon and pro-mission had written me a message along the lines of, "Honey, I'm worried that you are beginning to destabilize.  I want you to know if that if you decide to come home from your mission early, I'm totally ok with it - I want you to be happy and healthy, and it seems like you're deteriorating into a dangerous space."

Ok, three witnesses.  Three separate cases of me getting the message to GO HOME.  In the Scriptures it says messages from God come from the mouth of two or three witnesses - my prayers had been answered!  I went to my Mission President with the story.  This amazing man listened to my story and replied, "I can't argue with spiritual confirmations like that - let's get this ball rolling for you."  Yes!  Finally!  I felt like I'd taken up the lantern, and left the cave, and was going to brave the cold winter winds with my little light, and find my way to springtime and warmth.

Soon after, he contacted me and said protocol requires I see the mission psychologist.  

Dr. Hurst asked on our first meeting, "What is the problem?"  

"I think I'm not supposed to be here.  I haven't felt the 'spirit of God' since I got here, I hate everything about it - I think it's a big mistake.  I've been 100% obedient and pray every day asking for emotional/spiritual support ... and I feel worse and worse, like a sense of foreboding.  So I work harder, testify more, read more, sacrifice more, and I feel darker and deader inside.  Then, I got these answers that told me to go home.  I think I need to go home."

He didn't know how to respond to that, so he referred me to his boss.

I did telephone conferences with the head missionary psychologist in Salt Lake City, who informed me that I most likely needed to repent of a sexual sin that I was still holding on to.  That was hilarious to me, because I had my first kiss when I was 18, and after a six-month relationship where I lived in Ohio and he lived in Utah the whole time, and absolutely no sexual anything in our relationship, I had never even dated anyone again.  "You're barking up the wrong tree," I told the guy.  "I'm purer than Mother Mary."

My whole life I've had a tendency towards depression (never at that point medicated), but when I took a psychological profile test thing, I tested only 4% for depression - I didn't feel depressed so that made sense.  They put me on anti-depressants anyway though, because it would probably fix whatever it was inside my soul telling me to GET.OUT.  Um ... ?!?!?!

I was still in the wintery wilderness, I was still alone in my mind 99% of the time, cold and desperate and sad ... but I had my lantern.  And the lantern of God's gentle reassurance and love still glowed.  Nothing was putting it out.

All of this took about two months, and I finally started refusing to go out into the streets anymore.  They put me with several different companions, ranging from a senior couple (whom I LOVED) and another young girl missionary like myself who had health problems and couldn't proselytize for that reason (whom I LOVED).  But as time wore on, there was pressure from somewhere (Salt Lake, the Area Presidency?  I don't know from where) to get me back on the streets.

Finally, I told my Mission President that I was going home.  Period.  He told me that he'd arrange it, but as part of protocol, I need to meet with the Area Presidency for an "exit interview."

I met with Elder Carl Pratt.  I told him the same story, glowing in my delight at getting an answer, and feeling peaceful about God finally answering my prayers in a most unexpected way.  Everything was going to be ok - it was all happening for a reason!

Elder Pratt looked at me and said, "I don't know who you think you are, but this story is approaching blasphemy.  A Prophet of God called you to serve 18 months, to proselytize for 18 months.  Get.back.out.on.the.streets."

I was stunned.  "I can't!" I whispered with tears welling up in my eyes.  "I ... I can't!"

"You can and you will.  Stop this nonsense."

"But ... what about my spiritual confirmations?  What about everything I've been feeling and these physical manifestations of God's voice coming to me, through the scriptures and the voice of the Prophet's talk and my mom...?"

He cut me off.  "True spiritual revelation never contradicts what your Priesthood leaders tell you.  I am your Priesthood leader and I say get back out on the streets and do your work.  If you go home now, it will be a dishonorable release.  There is no back door here.  Get back out on the streets."  He excused me from the meeting.

I rushed back to my Mission President and told him everything.  The poor guy was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  He couldn't contradict his superior in the Church, but he also knew he couldn't put me back out on the streets.

I stood strong, in the harsh cold weather, holding fast to my lantern.  I knew what I knew.  And all that was happening was that the cold winds and icy snow were revealing themselves to me as cold and heartless and icy, as compared to the warmth and light of my lantern.

A few days later, my Mission President told me there was an opening in a PR missionary position at Chile's Church Headquarters, and because of my education in marketing he might be able to get me transferred over to the position.  He fought hard for me, and finally Elder Pratt said if I hit all of my numbers for street contacts and lessons being taught for a week - if I went back out on the streets for a week, he'd let me transfer over.  My sweet companion took charge and did all of the work for a week to make sure we hit our numbers.  I was transferred, and worked the last 4 months of my mission in a position that I enjoyed (though I did see a lot of the ugly underbelly of a bureaucratic, man-led religious institution).

In January 2006, I returned home honorably from my mission.  I stayed active in the Church for another six months, and even worked at Church World Headquarters in Utah for a few months, trying to stay loyal to and optimistic about the institution.  But when I realized that spring was popping up in the world around me, and this institution was holding me in a cold, brutal winter, I followed my inner lantern's guidance to the warmth of personal connection to the Divine.

For a few years, I was really bitter about my mission.  Today, I still see how it was a cold and cruel period in my life, but that it was the perfect opportunity for me to see the contrast between the cold silence of institutionalized spirituality and the warm lantern of a personal connection with Divine Source.  It opened my eyes and experience in a way that nothing else ever could.  I, standing completely alone, completely vulnerable, found and held my own light.

On Discipline

I decided to post outside of my usual tarot spiritual memoirs today, to mix it up a little.  Fun?  Fun!

I have lived both highly disciplined, and completely undisciplined periods of my life.  I've had times where I worked three jobs, or worked full-time while attending school full-time and volunteering.  I've run two marathons, and competed in 5 sprint triathlons and one olympic-distance triathlon.  My mom often said when we were little, "Sometimes we have do to things we don't want to do," to get me to do my chores, and I lived the first 28 years of my life holding tightly to that concept and grinding my way though challenging, and sometimes nauseatingly uninteresting tasks.

Did I mention my training with the Federation?

I've always done this with a belief, an understanding, that if I nobly put my nose to the grindstone, there'd be some kind of payoff.  If I worked hard, I'd not only get promotions, and move into positions of higher authority and respect, but get better pay.  If I exercised and ate well, I'd not only have a strong, healthy body, but would feel vital and full of energy.  If I followed God and said my prayers and read scriptures daily and went to church and served, etc., I'd feel connection and closeness with God.  That's what I believed, so that's why I pressed on.  Overall, I was very disappointed.  My labors never seemed to have a payoff really at all, and when they did, they didn't sate me, they didn't satisfy the debt of effort I'd put in.

So naturally, I became jaded.   :)

I live today with minimal commitments and minimal goals and ambitions.  I don't force myself, for the most part, to do things I don't want to do.  I just do whatever I feel like, and if that means laying in bed all day, I lay in bed all day.  If that means watching a lot of TV, I watch a lot of TV.  And more often than I would expect, I get these moments of energy where I'm up for washing the dishes, scooping the cat box, going for a walk, or playing with the kids.  And, to be totally honest, I still don't feel sated or satisfied.  Hmmm... this isn't what I want either.

A few months ago, I was talking to some friends of mine, and I asked them what they thought of discipline.  These friends and I share similar spiritual perspectives, and I wanted to know, in their opinion, what role discipline played for them in spiritual practice.  Let's say with meditation.  Meditation, by nature, is a practice of discipline.  It's very boring and difficult to sit silent, unmoving, and unthinking for longer than like 30 seconds.  So by engaging in meditation, I'm buying in to the payoffs of discipline.  But when discipline makes me feel like I'm "going through the motions," or I get resentful because I really don't feel like doing the task but force myself to anyway, the whole point is lost, right?  How about when I see no fruits or outcomes from a practice, and I don't enjoy it overall, do I discipline myself to mindlessly drone on, or call bull-shit on the practice to prevent myself from entering a state of brainwashing?  Where's the line here?

One of those friends, Crystal (not my sister), made an interesting point to me.  The root word for discipline is the same as for disciple, and comes from a bunch of different meanings through the development of language, either dealing with military training (yikes!), punishment or correction of wrong behavior (yikes!), or instruction and education (yay!).  Let me just copy and paste the etymological roots from an online dictionary:

discipline (n.) 

early 13c., "penitential chastisement; punishment," from O.Fr. descepline (11c.) "discipline, physical punishment; teaching; suffering; martyrdom," and directly from L.disciplina "instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge," also "object of instruction, knowledge, science, military discipline," from discipulus (see disciple). Sense of "treatment that corrects or punishes" is from notion of "order necessary for instruction." The Latin word is glossed in O.E. by þeodscipe. Meaning "branch of instruction or education" is first recorded late 14c. Meaning "military training" is from late 15c.; that of "orderly conduct as a result of training" is from c.1500.

Source: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=discipline

Um ... none of that up there seems remotely healthy, except maybe the "instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge" part... 

But relating discipline to disciple, as I understand the word disciple, feels a little more reasonable.  Disciples follow because they want to.  And because they want to, the payoff is in the following itself, not in the expectations of an outcome down the road.  Let's say you have a furry little kitten rolling around on the ground in front of you, and you can't help yourself, you must pick up and snuggle that kitten.  And whether the kitten mellows out and purrs, or scratches your eyes out, you're not disappointed in yourself for trying because you were compelled to do the action, without an expectation of outcome.  The point was to touch that kitten's furry pelt, not to make a best friend for life.

Tell me you aren't compelled to touch his mutated-extra-toed foot!

This extends to another one of my favorite topics, beyond cats ... food.  We don't eat coconut shrimp sushi with mango sliced on top with a side of sake because we expect it to give us superpowers ... we eat it because the moment it hits our tongue we get our reward.  The reward is the action itself.

I guess this could be called "living in the moment."  And it is actually that same concept, except discipleship also indicates standing for something.  

What are my core values and aspirations?  Take time to identify them.  Then, how do I live those right here, right now?  This is how we differentiate discipleship from hedonism.  Discipleship stands for something, it has core values it uses as a litmus test for every action, for every moment.

I created a graph to show all of these relationships.  (Awesome, right?!?!)

So when it comes to a difficult but possibly meaningful task:

1. Eeyore would say: "It's going to fail anyway.  What's the point?"  Futurized negative expectations, no values to fight that.
2. Laziness would say: "Maybe," then do nothing.  At least they're acknowledging how they feel in the moment to a certain extent, but no values to make that mean anything.
3. The hedonist would say: "How soon will it bring me pleasure?"  The focus on right now says they're living in the moment, and to their credit, a dedication to pleasure is a type of value. 
4. Old-school discipline would say: "I'll do it even if I hate it, because I believe in it, so it's bound to pay off in the long run."
5. The true disciple would say: "What do I really care about in life, and who do I want to be?  Will doing this thing be an expression of those two things or not?"

I think those two sentences are the key:

What do I really care about in life, and who do I want to be?  Will doing this thing be an expression of those two things, or not?

Note that we aren't asking if doing the thing will "bring us" what we care about in life or "make us" who we want to be.  We're asking if the act itself is an expression of who and what we aspire to.

Now, how do I get myself to a place where I ask these questions every day, all day?  It's hard to remember these questions before making decisions, and keep myself focused on what I really care about and who I want to be.

There's only one answer: I discipline myself into it.

Just kidding.

But seriously, I think a way is to maybe put up reminders (or something similar) to ask the questions, and if you get in the habit, it's something that will work for you.  If you don't, don't worry about it.

Here's a paragraph I LOVE from A Course in Miracles:

"Decisions are continuous.  You do not always know when you are making them.  But with a little practice with the ones you recognize, a set begins to form which sees you through the rest.  It is not wise to let yourself become preoccupied with every step you take.  The proper set, adopted consciously each time you wake, will put you well ahead.  And if you find resistance strong and dedication weak, you are not ready.  Do not fight yourself.  But think about the kind of day you want, and tell yourself there is a way in which this very day can happen just like that.  Then try again to have the day you want."

--A Course in Miracles, Ch 30, Section I,  Paragraph 1.

It's not about "discipline" ... it's about deciding where you'd like to go today, what you'd like to see, then doing whatever creates that.  When options come up that would take you in a different direction, if you know what you want, you won't be interested in the distractions.  But if you're not really dedicated to what you think you want, you may find it worth pausing to see what the other options are.  All of this is ok.

The real way to progress, the real key to it all, is to find out what you want: who you want to be and what's important to you.  If you are really clear on those things, the rest comes.

Do I know this because I live it, or because I read it in a book, or because I made it up?  Well, I know I hate old-school discipline, and that my lazy-hedonistic-Eeyore faze is burning out - those two things I know for sure.  I also know that this theme is pretty consistent across most self-help/spiritual books I read.  I also know that when I make my decisions based on where I want to be and who I want to be, I don't feel as pressed to "justify" the decisions, either to myself or others.  That alone brings a lot of peace to my over-caffeinated mind.  So I'll roll with this for a while - it feels good.  It feels right.  It makes a lot of sense, especially in the context of cats and food, so I'm down with expanding the application.

I do have to admit, it's scary to say "who I want to be" and "what I stand for" because it's changed and evolved so many times in my life that I hate going down that path again (Eeyore!).  But I think in the past I was focused more on details than the big picture.  So I'll focus on the big picture, and allow it to stay fluid and open-ended until I feel more settled with it.  Of course, I'll let you know how it goes.

Spiritual Memoir #9: Drifting Away to New Worlds

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir

blog series, see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite deck

Tarot Card: Four of Swords

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Rest in the stillness of the Divine, by silencing thoughts and words."

Isn't tarot so weird?  Last time I wrote on the five, six and seven of swords, and today I pull the immediately preceding card: the four of swords.  I have to admit, I'm kinda wishing I could get another Major Arcana card ... but they just aren't coming.  Oh well.  This is a really good card, and I have a good memoir to go with it!  :)

I feel like the four of swords is easily misunderstood.  I find it to be by far the most peaceful swords card, and my first gut instinct every time I see it is: rest.  Time to rest.  

In the Rider Waite symbolism there is a golden coffin in a church or castle (as evidenced by the stained-glass window).  The coffin has a statue on it representing the figure inside - a soldier.  There is also the symbol of a sword on the side of the coffin, and three swords on the wall.  I imagine this is the funeral of a great warrior, who won three battles (swords on the wall), and surrendered nobly in the forth battle (sword on the coffin).

Of course, the card doesn't symbolize death or "the end", because it's only card four - six more swords cards follow it.  So why does it look like death?

Sun and Moon Tarot

My answer is that it isn't showing death, but the peace that comes from surrender, and that winning with swords (or words and thoughts) is not nearly as noble as laying them down, and shielding ourselves from battle ... say, by covering ourselves in a sarcophagus.  I like to imagine that this soldier is going to be buried with the last sword - buried with a single thought, a single word.  Buried not in total silence, but in pure focus, pure commitment, to the solitary sword he values most - that solitary thought.

Look at the gorgeous Sun and Moon Tarot's depiction - ah, yea!  Blue skies, open possibilities, and instead of the swords being on top of the character in the picture, she's resting on top of them.  This makes me think of "sleeping on it", or not arguing or thinking about a problem without a night to sleep and process the situation subconsciously.  I also like this picture, because it makes me think of yoga. 

Spiritual Memoir: Four of Swords

Around 2008 or 2009, I was invited to attend a discussion with "The Avarians".  I had no idea what that meant, except that my friend Holly Semanoff and her husband, Mike Semanoff, were going to talk about some spiritual experience they had with connecting to higher beings - to angels or ascended spirits.  I went with my sisters to the discussion event.

It turns out, Holly and Mike actually channel the words of a group of ascended beings, who call themselves the Avarians.  When you go to an Avarians event, you sit with a group of people, with Holly facing you, and she and Mike take a few deep breaths and focus/meditate, and then Holly speaks the words of the Avarians, in their delightfully accented voice.  If you'd like to learn more about them (and I recommend you do!), you can see their website here: http://www.theavarians.com/.  

So I'm at this event, and Holly and Mike do their thing, and Holly starts talking for the Avarians, and they have all kinds of messages of love and hope and peacefulness, and it's cool.  Then, they say, "We want to share a tool with you - a meditation."  As directed, the whole room closes their eyes and focuses on their breathing, and so on.  Throughout the whole meditation, I feel only half-focused, because I wasn't really listening to what they were saying, or thinking about anything else.  I think I was just really tired.  Eventually I started to doze off.  After a few minutes, I heard the Avarians (through the voice of Holly), say something like "And now, feel your consciousness come back to this room...," and they guided us through slowly waking up, blah blah blah.  I, personally just pepped right up, thinking, "Woops, that was a waste of my time, I just dozed off."  Then after everyone else was back, the Avarians said some more stuff.

I don't know exactly when I realized it, but it was while I was still at the Avarians session, I know for sure ... I suddenly, somehow, had a realization that I had not dozed off or fallen asleep.  I had, suddenly, a stream of memories of thoughts I'd experienced during the meditation.  I remembered, suddenly, that I had been "thinking" about being swaddled or wrapped up in a warm blanket, while in a dark room or cave with indigo/black walls, and cradled in the arms of someone.  Or someones.  Even now, I can see/feel it in my mind.  The person(s) holding me was lighter blue in color, and brighter than the bluish-purple-black walls, but not bright like a light.  Just lighter, like normal light.  I had felt warm and comforted and relaxed...

So... what the fuck?  What the hell is that?  I have no memory of actually thinking that, but a "memory of having thought about it..."  - like, what does that even mean?!?!  I don't know.  I just don't remember thinking it, I don't remember "being" somewhere else, I don't remember seeing anything like it ever before in my life (like in a movie or something).  But it was clearly in my memory - fresh.  It felt very real, very personal, and actually very subtle.  Maybe it was imagination ... but no, it was a memory.  I can tell the difference between imagination and memory in my mind.

All of this "remembering" happened while I was still sitting and listening to the Avarians/Holly.  As I tried to figure out what the hell was going on, I had a clear, confident knowing in my mind: I just had an out-of-body experience.  My consciousness experienced something that my body didn't, and I haven't experienced it in this life before, so I didn't know what to call it.  It wasn't a thought and it wasn't a physical experience.  The best label I have for it, "memory" is nice, but not accurate.  My consciousness left my body.  

Whoa.

I know all of this happened still during the event, because at the end of the event, Holly said she had some CDs that explain more about what the Avarians are, and a special meditation essential oil blend.  I was so stunned by that weird "blacking-out-just-kidding-that-was-superconsciousness" experience that I bought one of everything, went home listened to everything religiously, did all of the meditations on the CDs every day for a few weeks ... and never was able to duplicate the experience.  I have attended over a dozen Avarians events since then, and never experienced anything remotely like that again.

Until about a month ago.

April 1, 2012, the same Holly invited me to take her Conscious Breathing for Enlightenment class, which is a mix of her years and years of experience with yoga, and the input and recommendations of the Avarians.  I was really excited about the class - and even cut down my smoking tremendously to prepare for it (didn't quit though...ha ha!).  At the end of the class, we did a 30-minute Chakra Dhyana meditation.  All during the meditation, I remember being conscious, hearing everything, participating in all of the chants and breathing, etc.  I remember when we were at the heart chakra, Holly came up and was touching my back, and I'm pretty sure she was sending me Reiki or something similar.  It felt easier to breath all of a sudden, and my muscles felt less tired (I have terrible posture, so sitting up straight makes my back muscles burn pretty quickly).

I remember the meditation ending.  And I remember being disappointed that nothing "big" happened (like, you know, an explosion of Kundalini or a visitation from God).  Then as other people were talking about their experiences and the electricity they felt through their bodies (which I did not feel), I experienced a memory.  A memory of being back in a purple-blue-black cave room during the meditation.  I saw random flashes of thoughts and experiences.  None of it made sense.  A person, a war, voices, fire ... just little muddled flashes in the indigo cave.  It was like a memory within a memory - I had a memory of being in this cave place and flipping through memories in my mind - memories that are totally foreign to me and my life.

What does all of this mean?  I have no idea!  Ha ha!  I have two guesses, that may be simultaneously right or individually right, or dead wrong:

1. I'm just experiencing different levels of consciousness.  The "indigo cave", actually feels like it could be inside my mind, and indigo is the color of the third-eye chakra, so maybe in my mind I've experience some type of intuitive consciousness or something.
2. I actually think it's possible I may be accessing past life memories or experiences.  Yes, I believe in reincarnation, and I believe in being able to tap into consciousness of the "big picture" and not just this life's experiences.

One thing I know for sure though, I didn't imagine it.  And I don't know how to replicate it, except possibly through better, more intense meditation exercises.  (Read: Holly Sue ... get ... off ... ass ... and ... start ... meditating ... more ... regularly).  I am excited for my meditation retreat next month - maybe I'll get a better idea of what's going on here!  Oh, and next week, I'm getting a first Reiki attunement, and maybe that will help bust down any grime in my energetic system that blocks me from accessing this on my own.

Arcus Arcanum Tarot

Ok, now tying it back to the four of swords - I like the card in the Arcus Arcanum tarot.  Here, the man sits and thinks, and the sentinels of his mind step aside, so that he has access to the wisdom of a High Priestess.  His thoughts part, and he accesses a divine source of knowing, which supersedes his logical thinking.  Beautiful imagery!

And, going back to the Rider Waite imagery, when I entered these trance-like meditative states, it was like I went into the sarcophagus - isolated from the myriad thoughts bouncing off the walls, and sat with one thought, one intention, one purpose.  I sat in silence, and was inside my mind - the home of thoughts - but out of range of the thoughts themselves.  And I found peace, connection, knowingness.  But before all of that came the stillness.

A final thought ...  I think a lot about how Gandhi did one full day a week of silence.  

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

-Mohandas "Mahatma" Gandhi

Caroline Myss talks in her book Entering the Castle about silence (p.39): 

"This quality of silence allows you to engage in discernment.  You carry this silence within you, even when you are with others.  It allows you to hold your center amid the chaos in life; it keeps you clear so that you do not do or say things you will regret or make decisions out of fear.  Silence is a learned practice that requires far more than just not talking..."

I think of this four of swords card as the card of internal silence.  Quiet and resting on the outside too, but also parting the swords in our minds, sealing the sarcophagus around us, and experiencing that powerful, beautiful silence that has a new, completely different experience to show us.  I'll let you know when my new experiences start making a little more sense... :)

Just a little tarot fun...

I had to jump on the meme bandwagon ... voila!

Spiritual Memoir #8: From Silent to Raging Bitch

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Cards: Five, Six and Seven of Swords

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Cards

"Your thoughts and words can easily flip-flop you between victim and abuser."

Tonight I drew my first swords card of this memoir blog series, the six of swords.  I started to write a blog post about it, but kept having a feeling that this card is best understood (and best relates to my life) when seen in context with the card that comes before it, the five of swords, and the seven which comes after.  So we're going to try a three-card series for a change.  :)

Swords are the suit that represent the element of air, and are generally tied to logic and thinking - brainy stuff.  I also have found swords to commonly represent words and communication.  In the tarot, the numbers five through seven generally seem to represent to me a movement from chaos/victimization (five), making a choice for change/sharing (six), to a small victory/new perspective (seven).  With the swords suit, this pattern plays out, but has what I feel is a tricky and even dark twist to it.  Because it starts at being victimized, and ends with victimizing others.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Let's start with Rider Waite imagery.  

• First, in the five of swords, there's a guy who's been playing at swords with his friends, but they drop their swords and walk away, while he happily picks up what they left behind, laughing at them behind their backs.  For today's post, this card feels like someone bullying us, and we walk away hurt while they laugh at us.  
• Then, in the six of swords, a huddled woman and child take a journey across a river with their swords before them - they decide to leave the bully and get away.  
• But in the seven of swords, the main character of the card is now stealing and snatching swords away from others - in effect doing the same thing as the bully in the five cards, but doing it behind people's backs.

NOTE: These cards have TONS of different possibilities for meanings, and today I'm just pointing out one possibility, so bear with me.  :)

Ok, so the sequence goes like this: get overtly bullied, run away and get some space, then become a back-stabbing bully.  Bah!

With swords representing thoughts and words, I see the sequence as: get in an argument and lose, go home and think about it and come up with an *awesome* revenge, then implement the revenge in a passive-aggressive way that makes the initial bully feel humiliated and experience loss.  I think we've all done this, haven't we?

Let's look at another deck.  Sorry if these images are kinda blurry ... I took them with my phone in a semi-darkened room.

Dragon's Tarot

Ok, Dragon's tarot: 

• Five of swords, people are driven from their castle because the dragon has burned them out and taken over
• Six of swords, they take a journey overseas with the dragon at their back, praying for a new start
• Seven of swords, new dragon attacks an individual dude.  

Bah!  That's not a good story!  See what I mean by looking at these cards as a sequence?  In none of these cards do they actually group together and fight the dragon, even though they've got swords - they're just running and running away.  How often do we not face a situation, believing we're too weak or dumb, and just think we if effectively hide from/avoid it will go away?!?

Swords, in general, are probably the most feared suit in the tarot, because pretty much every card has a cool sharpness to it.  Not much warm fuzzy going on with the swords.  I think this is important to think about.  Our thoughts are powerful tools, and one of the defining characteristics of humanity: we think.  But the tarot seems to carry a warning that thoughts can be powerfully destructive.  Words, of course, carry similar power.  Think of someone telling you a warming inspirational story - warms your heart for a few hours right?  Now, think of someone telling you about the ghost that's been haunting their house and how it bangs things around and the cat screeches and hisses all night - chills you for the rest of your life, right?  The cool blade of thoughts and words seem to be sharper than their warming and comforting side.  We must learn to wield them intelligently, masterfully, and always with a good dose of reality (pentacles) and love/connectedness (cups).  Swords, representing air, feed the fire of passion (wands), yay!, - but be conscious that the fire with too much air can blaze out of control.

Let me make sure I'm making my point here - fear is not the intended emotion, but consciousness, mastery and wisdom.  Swords can take over, and wands can take over.  The wise soul tempers and contains their thoughts and passions with both emotional and temporal connection.  Let's get to my story...

Spiritual Memoir: Five, Six & Seven of Swords

Three cards make for a long description and a long story.  I'll do my best to keep this short and readable!  

My first real romantic relationship happened when I was 24.  I met a great, handsome guy, and within a few weeks we moved in together.  The relationship lasted for two years.  In the end, I broke up with him, because while the relationship was ok and we were really best friends, it seemed like we lacked in similar passions and goals.  As we had begun discussing marriage, I realized I wanted to have a long-term committed relationship in my life with someone who had goals more similar to mine.

One of the biggest problems with that relationship though, looking back, was that I was a terrible communicator.  For most of my life leading up to that point, and through that relationship, I'd gotten away with passive-aggressive communication (i.e.: sending messages through my behavior, instead of speaking up).  Because my boyfriend was a gentle person, I was afraid to hurt his feelings, so I just bottled up my emotions.  Incidentally, I didn't really ever explode at him (as far as I remember), but I did feel resentful and angry, and was a master at snide remarks and heavy sighs.

In this relationship, I was very seven of swords.  I kept my words and thoughts to myself, and eventually snuck away with them in the night.

When we broke up, I didn't change my ideas or thoughts about life or the relationship; I took them with me.  Packed up my swords and all of the resentment, anger and guilt that they'd created within me, and rode my boat to the other side of the river.  Six of swords.

Enter, about a year later, a new relationship.  In this one, I made sure to start it off with open communication - but communication that still carried the anger and resentment from before.  I was really, really verbally mean to this guy!  Part of what encouraged me, though, was that he seemed so totally unaffected by it.  I'd text him that he was a total dipshit, and he'd not respond but show up for our date that night like nothing had happened.  Then I'd turn up the volume and get meaner and angrier, and he'd shrug his shoulders and kiss me.  I became an abuser, a bully, and he was so totally indifferent to it, that it made me CRAZY.  He was dating another girl at the time ... and soon dumped me and married her.  In this relationship, I was five of swords.

So my experience was chronologically in reverse order, but the point is this: In these relationships, I experienced two sides of the same coin - terrible communication, superior thinking, anger and resentment.  In the middle was me riding my boat back and forth between the two extremes, and taking along the same tools (swords) that had previously failed me! 

I've looked back at these two relationships and seen how polar opposite they were, and yet how totally similar they were, and realized that in both of them I was not the person I want to be.  I let my thoughts and words (or lack thereof) create a cold, cruel sharpness between me and my lovers that made it impossible for good, authentic connection to happen.  I wonder sometimes if I regret it ... but upon close inspection, I don't, and am grateful in both cases that I had an opportunity to see scary sides of myself.  I pray, of course, that I didn't scar the guys too much.  :X

Next, I looked at other relationships in my life, and saw how I've done the same thing, over and over.  I hardly talked to my dad for 25 years, then came into his life and raged at him with my sharp thinking and cruel words in our business.  Basically the same thing with my mom, where I stayed quiet and passive-aggressively irritated until one day blowing up at her and calling it "open communication" ... but that was rage-filled (see THIS post for the story!).  I would take jobs and silently curse my managers, until I blew up and walked out because I thought they were all idiots... and on and on...

And the biggest, most revealing experience was when I saw that it was the same story with God.  I was either painfully demure and resentfully sacrificial, or tirading at him with anger and scorn.  I expected to be on my own for my needs (seven of swords), or required to give up everything (five of swords), and would resentfully take the boat ride back and forth between these things, my same-thinking swords riding in my boat with me.  One day, a few months back, I realize that I actually was terrified of and hated God, even though I'd lived my life so "piously".  It freaked me out, so I just got extra angry.  Bah!

So what's the solution to this nuttiness?

A Course in Miracles talks about right-mindedness, as opposed to wrong-mindedness, and how our entire experience depends on the swords in the boat.  Really, the five and seven of swords (victim/bully) syndrome are two sides of the same coin, and the key to overcoming them is in-between them: the six of swords.  What is happening in that boat that prevents me from getting to safer shores?  Answer: the swords that block my view of the destination.  In the case of the Dragon Tarot, it's that even on the boat I'm still reacting to the dragon in the air, who just drives me to another dragon.  

Back to the Course: thoughts don't go away, so it's not a matter of "rooting them out".  Swords don't go away, so it's not a matter throwing them off the boat - they don't go away!  It's about choosing how our thoughts (and words) will work for us, how they will create for us.

"Both miracles and fear come from thoughts."

- A Course in Miracles, Chapter 2, Section VII, pgph3.1

So how do I stop fear and choose miracles?  By deciding where on the boat I place my thoughts: in front of me, leading me; or behind me, following me.

As I said about those relationships in my life - I wasn't me.  My thoughts and words were anger, were superiority, were resentment - none of those things are ME!  (And they aren't YOU, by the way, either!)  The swords blocked my view, blocked me,  instead of me leading them, and using them as my tools.  

So here's how we overcome the interminably destructive flip-flip of cruel thinking and poor communication:

"You are much too tolerant of mind wandering, and are passively condoning your mind's miscreations.  The particular result does not matter, but the fundamental error does.  The correction is always the same.  Before you choose to do (say) anything, ask me (God) if your choice is in accord with mine.  If you are sure that it is, there will be no fear."

-A Course in Miracles, Chapter 2, Section VI, pgph4.6-10

Let me spell this out in my words:

1. We condone our anger, resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior by passively letting it take over our lives.  No choice is still a choice, and these attitudes will take over if left unchecked.
2. The result doesn't matter - whether you become victim (five of swords) or bully (seven of swords) doesn't matter.  Those are two sides of the same coin.
3. The fundamental error is what matters.  What's the fundamental error?  Putting your swords in front of you.  Leaving your thoughts unchecked.
4. What's the solution: um, checking your thoughts.  Pausing, taking the time to move the sharp swords of harsh words and thoughts behind you, and choosing your destination without them influencing your perspective.
5. Don't know how to do that?  Pause, and ask God how to put those swords behind you. 

I like that phrase, let me say it again: Choose your destination without unchecked thoughts and words influencing your perspective.  

In practice: "How am I going to respond to my boyfriend not meeting my expectations?"  Answer: What's the destination with this relationship?  Take the reactive thoughts and words out of it and ask: where do I want this to end?  Mutual respect?  Mutual understanding of and commitment to roles?  Yeah, that sounds good.  Now that I've chosen my destination, how do I use my thoughts and words to build mutual respect?  "Hey, Cute Boy, I know you love and care about me, some I'm going to let you know something that's on my mind..."

I think that any time we find ourselves in a five or seven of swords position, we want to hop in that boat, take some time and space, and take careful note of where we've placed the swords. Just jump out of the conversation, jump out of your train of thought and ask: am I in charge here, or have these thoughts and words taken over me?  I like this thought-exercise the Course recommends for stepping back into right-minded thinking - by making an internal...

"...statement of an open mind, not certain yet, but willing to be shown: 'Perhaps there is another way to look at this.  What can I lose by asking?'"

-A Course in Miracles, Chapter 30, Section I, pgph12.2-4 

"What if there's another way to see this?" we can ask ourselves.  "What if there's another place for these swords on my boat?"  "What can it hurt to consider?"

At the moment, I don't have huge success stories of overcoming this like I do in other posts.  Just lots of little ones.  Every few days it seems I start to stew with poor communication (and then feel guilty about it) and it seems that more and more I can cut off the thinking, set my destination, and the right words and ideas come to mind, and things work out beautifully.  I'm beginning to feel a shift of power in my life.  It's hard, and takes practice, but I'm working on it.  :)

Goddess Tarot

A final collection of cards from the Goddess Tarot to look at.  

• Victim - five of swords, kind of hard to see but the dude outside the window just cut her hair off
• Change of direction - six of swords
• Bully - seven of swords, this card shows the vanity of the Goddess Blodewedd of Wales and how she consumes men's lust then leaves them dead behind her on the ground.