Spiritual Memoir #8: From Silent to Raging Bitch

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Cards: Five, Six and Seven of Swords

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Cards

"Your thoughts and words can easily flip-flop you between victim and abuser."

Tonight I drew my first swords card of this memoir blog series, the six of swords.  I started to write a blog post about it, but kept having a feeling that this card is best understood (and best relates to my life) when seen in context with the card that comes before it, the five of swords, and the seven which comes after.  So we're going to try a three-card series for a change.  :)

Swords are the suit that represent the element of air, and are generally tied to logic and thinking - brainy stuff.  I also have found swords to commonly represent words and communication.  In the tarot, the numbers five through seven generally seem to represent to me a movement from chaos/victimization (five), making a choice for change/sharing (six), to a small victory/new perspective (seven).  With the swords suit, this pattern plays out, but has what I feel is a tricky and even dark twist to it.  Because it starts at being victimized, and ends with victimizing others.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Let's start with Rider Waite imagery.  

• First, in the five of swords, there's a guy who's been playing at swords with his friends, but they drop their swords and walk away, while he happily picks up what they left behind, laughing at them behind their backs.  For today's post, this card feels like someone bullying us, and we walk away hurt while they laugh at us.  
• Then, in the six of swords, a huddled woman and child take a journey across a river with their swords before them - they decide to leave the bully and get away.  
• But in the seven of swords, the main character of the card is now stealing and snatching swords away from others - in effect doing the same thing as the bully in the five cards, but doing it behind people's backs.

NOTE: These cards have TONS of different possibilities for meanings, and today I'm just pointing out one possibility, so bear with me.  :)

Ok, so the sequence goes like this: get overtly bullied, run away and get some space, then become a back-stabbing bully.  Bah!

With swords representing thoughts and words, I see the sequence as: get in an argument and lose, go home and think about it and come up with an *awesome* revenge, then implement the revenge in a passive-aggressive way that makes the initial bully feel humiliated and experience loss.  I think we've all done this, haven't we?

Let's look at another deck.  Sorry if these images are kinda blurry ... I took them with my phone in a semi-darkened room.

Dragon's Tarot

Ok, Dragon's tarot: 

• Five of swords, people are driven from their castle because the dragon has burned them out and taken over
• Six of swords, they take a journey overseas with the dragon at their back, praying for a new start
• Seven of swords, new dragon attacks an individual dude.  

Bah!  That's not a good story!  See what I mean by looking at these cards as a sequence?  In none of these cards do they actually group together and fight the dragon, even though they've got swords - they're just running and running away.  How often do we not face a situation, believing we're too weak or dumb, and just think we if effectively hide from/avoid it will go away?!?

Swords, in general, are probably the most feared suit in the tarot, because pretty much every card has a cool sharpness to it.  Not much warm fuzzy going on with the swords.  I think this is important to think about.  Our thoughts are powerful tools, and one of the defining characteristics of humanity: we think.  But the tarot seems to carry a warning that thoughts can be powerfully destructive.  Words, of course, carry similar power.  Think of someone telling you a warming inspirational story - warms your heart for a few hours right?  Now, think of someone telling you about the ghost that's been haunting their house and how it bangs things around and the cat screeches and hisses all night - chills you for the rest of your life, right?  The cool blade of thoughts and words seem to be sharper than their warming and comforting side.  We must learn to wield them intelligently, masterfully, and always with a good dose of reality (pentacles) and love/connectedness (cups).  Swords, representing air, feed the fire of passion (wands), yay!, - but be conscious that the fire with too much air can blaze out of control.

Let me make sure I'm making my point here - fear is not the intended emotion, but consciousness, mastery and wisdom.  Swords can take over, and wands can take over.  The wise soul tempers and contains their thoughts and passions with both emotional and temporal connection.  Let's get to my story...

Spiritual Memoir: Five, Six & Seven of Swords

Three cards make for a long description and a long story.  I'll do my best to keep this short and readable!  

My first real romantic relationship happened when I was 24.  I met a great, handsome guy, and within a few weeks we moved in together.  The relationship lasted for two years.  In the end, I broke up with him, because while the relationship was ok and we were really best friends, it seemed like we lacked in similar passions and goals.  As we had begun discussing marriage, I realized I wanted to have a long-term committed relationship in my life with someone who had goals more similar to mine.

One of the biggest problems with that relationship though, looking back, was that I was a terrible communicator.  For most of my life leading up to that point, and through that relationship, I'd gotten away with passive-aggressive communication (i.e.: sending messages through my behavior, instead of speaking up).  Because my boyfriend was a gentle person, I was afraid to hurt his feelings, so I just bottled up my emotions.  Incidentally, I didn't really ever explode at him (as far as I remember), but I did feel resentful and angry, and was a master at snide remarks and heavy sighs.

In this relationship, I was very seven of swords.  I kept my words and thoughts to myself, and eventually snuck away with them in the night.

When we broke up, I didn't change my ideas or thoughts about life or the relationship; I took them with me.  Packed up my swords and all of the resentment, anger and guilt that they'd created within me, and rode my boat to the other side of the river.  Six of swords.

Enter, about a year later, a new relationship.  In this one, I made sure to start it off with open communication - but communication that still carried the anger and resentment from before.  I was really, really verbally mean to this guy!  Part of what encouraged me, though, was that he seemed so totally unaffected by it.  I'd text him that he was a total dipshit, and he'd not respond but show up for our date that night like nothing had happened.  Then I'd turn up the volume and get meaner and angrier, and he'd shrug his shoulders and kiss me.  I became an abuser, a bully, and he was so totally indifferent to it, that it made me CRAZY.  He was dating another girl at the time ... and soon dumped me and married her.  In this relationship, I was five of swords.

So my experience was chronologically in reverse order, but the point is this: In these relationships, I experienced two sides of the same coin - terrible communication, superior thinking, anger and resentment.  In the middle was me riding my boat back and forth between the two extremes, and taking along the same tools (swords) that had previously failed me! 

I've looked back at these two relationships and seen how polar opposite they were, and yet how totally similar they were, and realized that in both of them I was not the person I want to be.  I let my thoughts and words (or lack thereof) create a cold, cruel sharpness between me and my lovers that made it impossible for good, authentic connection to happen.  I wonder sometimes if I regret it ... but upon close inspection, I don't, and am grateful in both cases that I had an opportunity to see scary sides of myself.  I pray, of course, that I didn't scar the guys too much.  :X

Next, I looked at other relationships in my life, and saw how I've done the same thing, over and over.  I hardly talked to my dad for 25 years, then came into his life and raged at him with my sharp thinking and cruel words in our business.  Basically the same thing with my mom, where I stayed quiet and passive-aggressively irritated until one day blowing up at her and calling it "open communication" ... but that was rage-filled (see THIS post for the story!).  I would take jobs and silently curse my managers, until I blew up and walked out because I thought they were all idiots... and on and on...

And the biggest, most revealing experience was when I saw that it was the same story with God.  I was either painfully demure and resentfully sacrificial, or tirading at him with anger and scorn.  I expected to be on my own for my needs (seven of swords), or required to give up everything (five of swords), and would resentfully take the boat ride back and forth between these things, my same-thinking swords riding in my boat with me.  One day, a few months back, I realize that I actually was terrified of and hated God, even though I'd lived my life so "piously".  It freaked me out, so I just got extra angry.  Bah!

So what's the solution to this nuttiness?

A Course in Miracles talks about right-mindedness, as opposed to wrong-mindedness, and how our entire experience depends on the swords in the boat.  Really, the five and seven of swords (victim/bully) syndrome are two sides of the same coin, and the key to overcoming them is in-between them: the six of swords.  What is happening in that boat that prevents me from getting to safer shores?  Answer: the swords that block my view of the destination.  In the case of the Dragon Tarot, it's that even on the boat I'm still reacting to the dragon in the air, who just drives me to another dragon.  

Back to the Course: thoughts don't go away, so it's not a matter of "rooting them out".  Swords don't go away, so it's not a matter throwing them off the boat - they don't go away!  It's about choosing how our thoughts (and words) will work for us, how they will create for us.

"Both miracles and fear come from thoughts."

- A Course in Miracles, Chapter 2, Section VII, pgph3.1

So how do I stop fear and choose miracles?  By deciding where on the boat I place my thoughts: in front of me, leading me; or behind me, following me.

As I said about those relationships in my life - I wasn't me.  My thoughts and words were anger, were superiority, were resentment - none of those things are ME!  (And they aren't YOU, by the way, either!)  The swords blocked my view, blocked me,  instead of me leading them, and using them as my tools.  

So here's how we overcome the interminably destructive flip-flip of cruel thinking and poor communication:

"You are much too tolerant of mind wandering, and are passively condoning your mind's miscreations.  The particular result does not matter, but the fundamental error does.  The correction is always the same.  Before you choose to do (say) anything, ask me (God) if your choice is in accord with mine.  If you are sure that it is, there will be no fear."

-A Course in Miracles, Chapter 2, Section VI, pgph4.6-10

Let me spell this out in my words:

1. We condone our anger, resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior by passively letting it take over our lives.  No choice is still a choice, and these attitudes will take over if left unchecked.
2. The result doesn't matter - whether you become victim (five of swords) or bully (seven of swords) doesn't matter.  Those are two sides of the same coin.
3. The fundamental error is what matters.  What's the fundamental error?  Putting your swords in front of you.  Leaving your thoughts unchecked.
4. What's the solution: um, checking your thoughts.  Pausing, taking the time to move the sharp swords of harsh words and thoughts behind you, and choosing your destination without them influencing your perspective.
5. Don't know how to do that?  Pause, and ask God how to put those swords behind you. 

I like that phrase, let me say it again: Choose your destination without unchecked thoughts and words influencing your perspective.  

In practice: "How am I going to respond to my boyfriend not meeting my expectations?"  Answer: What's the destination with this relationship?  Take the reactive thoughts and words out of it and ask: where do I want this to end?  Mutual respect?  Mutual understanding of and commitment to roles?  Yeah, that sounds good.  Now that I've chosen my destination, how do I use my thoughts and words to build mutual respect?  "Hey, Cute Boy, I know you love and care about me, some I'm going to let you know something that's on my mind..."

I think that any time we find ourselves in a five or seven of swords position, we want to hop in that boat, take some time and space, and take careful note of where we've placed the swords. Just jump out of the conversation, jump out of your train of thought and ask: am I in charge here, or have these thoughts and words taken over me?  I like this thought-exercise the Course recommends for stepping back into right-minded thinking - by making an internal...

"...statement of an open mind, not certain yet, but willing to be shown: 'Perhaps there is another way to look at this.  What can I lose by asking?'"

-A Course in Miracles, Chapter 30, Section I, pgph12.2-4 

"What if there's another way to see this?" we can ask ourselves.  "What if there's another place for these swords on my boat?"  "What can it hurt to consider?"

At the moment, I don't have huge success stories of overcoming this like I do in other posts.  Just lots of little ones.  Every few days it seems I start to stew with poor communication (and then feel guilty about it) and it seems that more and more I can cut off the thinking, set my destination, and the right words and ideas come to mind, and things work out beautifully.  I'm beginning to feel a shift of power in my life.  It's hard, and takes practice, but I'm working on it.  :)

Goddess Tarot

A final collection of cards from the Goddess Tarot to look at.  

• Victim - five of swords, kind of hard to see but the dude outside the window just cut her hair off
• Change of direction - six of swords
• Bully - seven of swords, this card shows the vanity of the Goddess Blodewedd of Wales and how she consumes men's lust then leaves them dead behind her on the ground.