Spiritual Memoir #6: Life is Not a Competition ... or ... The Race I'd Never Win

 For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Tarot

Tarot Card: Nine of Wands

(see pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card
"When creation cages the creator"

I totally pick these cards at random - and I found it really interesting to get the nine of wands right after the four of wands.  Because I see the four of wands as mastering creative power and sticking it in the ground as the framing for life (see post on that HERE) ... and I see the nine of wands (this post) as that use of creative power barely being contained - to the point where it's haunting to the creator.

In the Rider Waite symbolism, the dude is looking very jumpy and suspicious, with a wall of wands/creations behind him.  He's holding on tight to one wand, looking over his shoulder.  The card feels so defensive, protective, and afraid.  But the wands aren't doing that, the wands are just being what wands are; the dude has turned them into a wall for him to peek through to the world.

In contrast, the four of wands shows the wands independently standing, with people cheering their energy on.  It's open and community-oriented.  This card, the nine, is closed and impatiently impersonal.

Crystal Visions Tarot

In the Crystal Visions tarot, a fiery and melancholy woman sits on her lion throne, surrounded in the night by blazing torches. This depiction seems more confident which is a positive edge, but overall it still feels brazen, defensive and almost threatening to me.

Little caveat here: As I was looking at/for different nine of wands cards from different decks for this post, I found a lot of variety in the energy of the card - often with a more positive and reassuring twist.  While that's cool, I like the cards in the tarot that carry shady, nervous, dark, or cold energies, because I feel like they create a more complete, complex reflection of the world we live in.  (My Spirit Guides disagree with me though ... see THIS post).  So I leave this card in its ill-dignified interpretation for this post, and will do so with other cards in future posts, as I see fit.  (Man, is that statement the Emperor meets Queen of Swords or what?!?  I'm so bold! :)

Spiritual Memoir: Nine of Wands
When I was about 8 years old, I started a fast-paced track in life.  My parents saw that normal old public school didn't challenge me, so they started me in various challenging extra curricular activities.  I started with private art lessons at home and horseback riding lessons at a local farm.  At about age 10, I was already fluent in Spanish, so I also started private French tutoring at home.  Then, my parents got me an oboe tutor, picking what they understood to be one of the hardest instruments to play.  I excelled at all of it.  Next, I skipped sixth grade, gaining permission from the school board after scoring 136 on an IQ test.

In Junior High, I took advanced classes, but still was bored out of my mind.  My dad bribed my teachers to give me extra assignments and book reports that would affect my grades in exchange for him donating expensive book sets to the school library.  I liked math a lot, and on my own took my pre-algebra book home and finished the entire book's assignments in about two weeks.  So the school moved me into algebra.  I finished that book in about two months.  So then they put me in geometry.  I taught myself geometry in about half a school year.  I was 12.

By the time I was 15, I had been to over 20 countries in the world, was fluent in French and Spanish, and skipped 10th, 11th and 12th grades, and started my first semester of college.  At 16 I worked three jobs, completed my Associate's Degree and paid for all of my books and tuition with my own cash, bought myself a car, and spent the summer setting up the entire inventory system of my sister's new bookstore.  Believe it or not, I had a healthy circle of friends and even dated.

Once, when I was 16 I got hired as an Executive Assistant to a top executive at a prestigious local company, based on my resume and interview.  He called me back the next day and told me that he couldn't give me the job because he found out I wasn't a legal adult.  I also flew through all interviews for a $35,000/year job at 16 and was going to be hired, but my brother worked at the company and talked the managers out of it because I was young and, though accomplished, actually historically flighty.

Housewives Tarot

Despite the age discrimination, the world was my oyster!  Like the Housewives Tarot's nine of wands, I had my happy face on with all of the brooms and mops surrounding me as I climbed my ladder of success.  Anything was possible, and I actually had the terrible attitude of thinking everyone around me was pretty dumb.  I knew I could do anything, ace any challenge, impress anyone I talked to, and get away with just about any degree of nonsense.

And with that, I found myself very alone in the world.

Although I was surrounded by peers and admirers and all of the wonderful wands of my accomplishments, I was lonely in my defensive stronghold of awesomeness.  I had no idea who I was.  I knew I could do anything, but chose to do what would impress or shock or fill my resume ... never what I liked, or what I was passionate about, or what fulfilled me, or blessed others.

It got worse over time, and hit like a ton of bricks when I was 21 years old.  I had earned a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration.  I hate business.  I was out of debt and had a teacher that offered to take me under his wing and start a market research firm with him.  I hated market research, and in reality, hated the teacher (although looking back I adore him!).  I didn't have any friends except my one sister.  I had stopped dating and was holding out for one particular person whom I had alienated and expected to come back.  I was a shell.  I was a fancy exterior around a scared, lonely, angry little girl.  And for the first time in my life I realized that without the competition of racing through life, I had nothing.

Accomplishments don't necessarily define us, and they certainly don't always improve us.  Nine of wands energy speaks of how sometimes we create for the sake of creation, we do for the sake of doing.  It's a trap.  We can get so wrapped up in the heat of the moment that we forget who we are and why we're about the tasks at hand.  Think about times when you realized you weren't eating because you were hungry - you were eating for the sake of eating; or that you weren't dating someone because you loved them or enjoyed their company - but were with them for the sake of not being alone.  Mindless occupation, habits of industry, hegemonic compliance.

My passion for overachieving and racing through life built a wall around me, and when I stopped to consider where I was at, I found myself trapped in a ring of fire (like the Crystal Visions tarot).  I was ready to defend myself!! ... but against what?

Incidentally I had an experience at age 24 where I was invited in a meditation to visualize myself with God, and to ask Him who I was.  Who am I?  Whether or not it was God I talked to or just getting in touch with my higher self, or my inner being, the answer surprised me...
I wasn't told I was a smart, accomplished, fast, powerful leader of the universe...

"You are a tender, Divine, accepting woman of light."

That's what I heard.  I am kind, I am deep, I am open to others, I am wise, I am gentle... hmmm... no race or competition in that...

And what's really interesting is that I realized, at age 24, that was how I actually saw myself.  I saw myself in my mind's eye as a gentle, quiet, deep-thinking, and accepting 8 year-old.  Right back to where I started off!

Lesson learned: life's not a race or competition - that attitude isolates and alienates, building fiery walls of separation between me and others.  Keep to my heart, my purpose, my values.   Just because I am capable of tearing the world apart with big brains and an intimidating resume, doesn't mean I ought to, doesn't mean I have to to be a good or valuable person, and certainly doesn't mean I want to.  The tools don't define the objectives of master, the master wields the tools for his own design - (but first, he becomes the master).


"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth... - as in being able to remake ourselves."  --Gandhi

Spiritual Memoir #5: My Life is My Creation

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.



Radiant Rider Waite Tarot



Tarot Card:  Four of Wands
(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card
"The first-fruits of independently mastering one's creative power"

Ahhh...the first victory of the wands suit - it isn't total fulfillment or seeing something through to completion, but a stability, an achievement.

Wands are interesting cards.  They symbolize the element of fire, and are an active male force (as evidenced by their phallic shape).  Fire represents passion, creativity and to a certain extent sexuality.  They are tied strongly to second-chakra energy.

Fire, passion and sexuality are all exciting things, but it's important to keep them in check, to understand their power to consume our time, attention, and relationships.  For this reason, the four of wands is an important card - because boundaries have been established, and the fire contained to a point of it actually supporting a laurel full of fruits and life.  In the Rider Waite symbolism, two women raise cheers of celebration for the accomplishment of mastery of the fire.  The wands are close to a large city, and the inhabitants look secure and comfortable with the proximity.  I can't help but wonder, though, if the small bridge in the right-hand corner insinuates a stream separates the city from the fire of the wands.  If the town represents our home and lives, our habits, or even the hegemony of the culture we live in, this mastery of passion and creativity has happened outside of the circle of familiarity - it's been compartmentalized but not hidden.  And it is accepted by the townspeople, it is celebrated.

Legacy of the Divine Tarot

In the Legacy of the Divine tarot the four wands create a center of life and prosperity in the midst of destruction and death.  I find it interesting that it looks like everything outside of the wands is burning, since wands themselves represent fire.  It looks like the crystals at the tops of the wands are tempering the fiery heat from the sun to allow life to prosper inside of their perimeter.  Once again, the small victory over fire, the establishment of success and safety using the power of fire.  Beautiful!

Spiritual Memoir: Four of Wands

About two weeks ago (April 2012), I was lying in my bed one afternoon, thinking about how delicious death sounded.  Life just felt ... flavorless, pointless, like a rat race in an endless maze of dead ends and disappointments.  I'd been dedicating my life to "connecting with God" but found myself without the energy to really do more than just hope and think about it, and only on occasion.  It all felt so hard, so pointless, so out-of-reach.  "God," I would pray, "make this better, give me the energy, the strength, the desire to feel like anything in this life is worth pursuing."  In response, I felt nothing.

Exasperated, I went to the A Course in Miracles study group that I lead, and found my good friends Gail and Gary Sauter there.  After some small talk about gardening, I expressed my frustration.  The frustration had been building up for over a month, and these wonderful friends had been privy to my mounting depression, and had always offered insightful, loving support and recommendations.  This time, though, I was done listening to them too - everything seemed terminally hopeful, without ever yielding fruits.

I posted a little about this experience in a previous post (see HERE), so I won't recap everything, but in short, I started reading Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsch, and there was a passage that struck me.  I don't have the book in front of me (bah!), but I found this quote from his website that says the same thing as the passage in the book:

"You were created to create - not to react.  

Creation is the highest form of Divinity, and your birthright.  Truth is, you are creating all the time.  The central question in your life is whether you are doing this consciously or unconsciously.  

Conscious creation is what is needed now.  Stop moping.  And stop thinking negative thoughts.  Just get on with it!  Tomorrow awaits your choice as to how its going to be.  Call the shots!  Make it happen!  You're in charge here." (my emphasis)

Here's the epiphany: in my praying and moping, I kept saying "God do this, and God do that - make me feel better, open my vision, fill my heart, etc., etc" ... but this quote made me realize that my life is my creation, not God's.  I call the shots.  I decide how it's going to look.  I am the source of my own feelings, my own vision, my own love, etc.  God cheers me on and loves me, but God doesn't create anything for me - She has empowered me to do that for myself!

Hmm...

A snap decision: I'm going to feel better.  Everything I encounter in life is going to be interesting and mysterious and adventurous for me!  I'm not waiting for anyone or anything to step in ... I'm going to use my creative birthright and make this life how I want it.  Immediately, the clouds dissipated, and sun shone in my heart and mind again.

Tarot of the Magical Forest

Like the four of wands, I decided to harness my creative power, to step out, independent of the city, of God, of culture, of anything, and start building my own world and life.  I like the Tarot of the Magical Forest, where the four wands look like they're the framing for a new house, separate from the main house of the estate.  It isn't about building on an addition to the existing home, to the status quo, to someone else's vision ... but stepping out and beginning the structure of my own experience.  I can go tour their mansion and get tips and ideas, but my life is my mansion, my creation.

Like in the Legacy of the Divine tarot, my creative power will redirect the scorching heat of fire to establishing my own oasis of peace and life.  But I have to channel it - nobody's going to do it for me.

And like in the Rider Waite card, the people from the city, the passersby, are cheering me on.  They aren't afraid of me competing, or withdrawing, but are celebrating that I've come up with my own design for my life.  I am not alone in this, never alone, but I am the foreman (or forewoman as it were), I call the shots.

I'll admit, that I have found myself backsliding here and there into the negative space of feeling life is acting upon me, or stagnant and stuck ... and it's a slippery slope.  But every time I step back into the driver's seat and say, "What if this is actually fun?  What if my life is actually delightful?" the clouds of my mind disappear and everything is bright and interesting again.  I think it's just a matter of habit.  Retraining habits.  And keeping the creative fire working within the four-wanded blueprint I've chosen for it: happy, delightful life.

Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.

Spiritual Memoir #3: A Mother's Love

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider-Waite Tarot

Tarot Card: Queen of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks)


My Interpretations of the Card
"Come to me and accept my unconditional love"


The Queen of Cups sits on her throne - not a seat in a lavish castle, but a stone throne on the shore.  Queen energy is confident and powerful female (passive) energy, meaning it waits to be approached instead of actively seeking contact but when contact is made it has a lot to offer.  Cups represent emotions or the secret hidden depths within us.  The Queen of Cups, therefore, waits for us to approach and has a powerful, loving energy of connecting emotionally and revealing hidden truths.

In the Rider-Waite deck, the Queen of Cups' throne is adorned with images of cherubic mermaids.  Mermaids carry balanced land/sea energy, half land-dwelling man, half sea-dwelling fish, representing a balance between reason/perception (land) and emotion/spirituality (water).  She holds a mysterious goblet or trophy - God knows what it is she's holding ... but she looks at it and smiles.  She likes what she's holding, she admires and loves it, and if we want to know what it is and why she's so interested in it ... we must approach her.  They mystery is intentional, she's baiting us; but not maliciously - never maliciously.

Whispering Tarot

Why can't she come to us?  Why must we go to her?  It's a good question.  Is she stubborn?  Disinterested?  I like the image from the Whispering Tarot that depicts her as an actual mermaid.  She can only come so far ... she'll pop her head out of the water for us, but we need to approach her part way too.

Often when a court card (Page, Knight, Queen or King) of the tarot appears it represents a specific person in our lives - ourselves or someone we interact with.  It can also represent a general energy either male or female (active or passive) mixed with the suit: cups (emotions/relationships), pentacles (material/perception), swords (thoughts/words), or wands (passion/creativity).  In the case of the Queen of Cups, it could represent either a person I could go to when seeking emotional support, or that I am a person that offers emotional support ... or that the energy of my situation is one of seeking for someone to listen, or someone to comfort.

The shadow, or "negative" aspects of the Queen of Cups is someone who plays games with their support or love.  They only share when you jump through hoops they've set up, or they overindulge and force their coddling love upon you.  Of course, which of these aspects is pertinent to the readings is determined by the intuition of the reader.


Spiritual Memoir: Queen of Cups
In late 2011 (28 years old), probably in October or November, I was working with my Dad on the Princess Festival's premier winter show, and attending my first semester of graduate school at Columbia University (I was pursuing a Master's of Public Administration and Development Practices - basically a degree in fighting world poverty).  It was too much - I was doing too much.  I had to work to pay my rent, but the pressure of work mixed with my school schedule was overwhelming.


On top of just the general pressure of those two commitments, since we were doing the winter show for the first time, there was a degree of uncertainty and a learning curve we had to face that kept our small team at the Princess Festival overburdened.  Then, Dad decided to take a two-week trip to Kenya and Dubai to pursue "expansion opportunities" just before the show was to start.  The majority of our team were volunteers, and with the boss leaving town, and me in New York City (PF is based out of Utah), everyone was in a scramble.  I can't express in words how angry I was at my Dad.  I told him not to do the winter show, I told him not to leave the country ... and I felt like he not only pushed forward with them anyway, but then skedaddled out of the country when the pressure got hot.  In retrospect, I understand his decisions, but at the time I was very, very angry.  I was livid.  And overworked.


So I decided, since Dad and I weren't communicating so well and he was out of the country anyway, I would call my Mom.  Maybe I could talk her into getting Dad to abandon his trip and come home early to handle what I thought was a giant mess (whether or not it was is entirely debatable :).  My Mom and I have always had an interesting relationship.  I'm the youngest of 8 children -- we siblings are are very close in age, 8 kids in 10 years 7 months to the date -- and Mom always did the administrative side of Dad's entrepreneurial undertakings.  Dad went out and wheeled-and-dealed (mostly as a commercial real estate developer), and Mom did the bookkeeping and record keeping, and mundane tasks that supported him.  So, in essence, I had two working parents.  But Mom worked at home, which in a way was worse for us, because we all saw that she sat at her computer all day, and decided she just didn't care enough to make time for us.


To a large extent I was raised by my siblings.  My sister Sunny (18 mos older than me) taught me hygiene, how to use makeup, tweeze my eyebrows, make new friends, navigate a gym and use a tampon, etc.  My sister Crystal (7 years older than me) taught me what a credit score was, how to do my taxes, bought me my first cell phone, and explained sex to me, etc.  Liberty (9 years older than me) got me my first waitressing job, helped me get into Ohio State University, taught me to drive, co-signed on my first car loan, and has taught me the importance a life based on love and community, etc.  I'm 29 now, and I moved out when I was 17 ... I've lived with Crystal for about 3 years (rent-free), Sunny Jo for 3 years, and Liberty for another 3 (part of it rent-free).  Yes, I was raised by these three sisters as much as by my parents.

Deviant Moon Tarot
(LOVE THIS DECK!!!)

My parents contributed as well.  I do remember Mom teaching me how to bake bread and how to sew, and how to clean a bathroom ... but I also remember my older sister Sunny Jo between ages 8-12 repeatedly talking to Mom while Mom was at the computer, and Sunny casually throwing in how she was pregnant and doing drugs (as a test) and Mom just nodding and saying, "Uh, huh.  Ok.  That's nice dear."  Then clicking away at her computer as Sunny walked out of the room, resigned.


Let me set the record straight - my Mom is a great mom.  We knew we were her life.  We just didn't understand how much work it took to feed 10 people in a tough entrepreneurial world.  My Mom is also very introverted, so we also didn't understand that her quiet smiles were equivalent to Dad's dramatic games.


As a child and up until the date of the phone call to my Mom to complain about Dad, I had basically written her off.  When I was 18 I moved to Ohio, and after four months my Mom asked my sister why I never called her.  My sister then asked me why I never called Mom and I was baffled: the thought had never occurred to me.  I didn't know she would want a phone call, I didn't understand why it mattered.

Furthermore, my Mom is extemely LDS (Mormon).  We were all raised that way.  When I stepped out of Mormonism (age 24), it became hard for us to find a reconciliation of values.

This post isn't about venting about my parents; quite the contrary.  Here's the magic...

I called my Mom the day of my emotional explosion (Dad out of town, Princess Festival at a boiling point, me in NYC).  I went on for about 20 minutes about how she needed to step up and shut Dad down.  She gently agreed that he has his flaws, but we all do, so it's a matter of compassion ...   "No, Mom, it's time to get this under control," I insisted.  "Oh Holly, we don't control people we love them..." Mom replied.  "NO MOM, THIS ISN'T HOW I WORK.  THIS IS WHY WE ARE NOT CLOSE.  THIS IS WHY I STEPPED AWAY FROM THE LDS CHURCH.  IT'S TIME FOR REASON."

"Oh honey, I'd like to hear someday more about why you've stepped away, if you're open to sharing with me..." Mom replied honestly.

"OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" I screamed.  Then I went on an hour-long tirade (or was it two hours?) about how everything she believes is bull-shit. No, bull-SHIT.  No, BULL-SHIT.  I ripped into everything she holds dear, I had snot coming out of my nose, and my face was all puffy, and I think my roommates left the apartment because I was ANGRY.  For the first time in my life, I told my Mom everything I thought about her.  And I wouldn't let her speak.  No, every time she tried to speak I cut.her.off.  I was mean, I was dirty, and I was brutally honest.

And then, when I had nothing more to spew ... Mom said, "Suzy, your feelings and experiences are valid.  I can't argue them.  But it doesn't change that I love you.  I just love you - I can't help it."  (Or something to that effect.)  "Let's talk again soon, huh?  This has given me a lot to think about, and I can't wait until you're back in town and we can just spend some time together."

"Yeah.  Sure.  Whatever,"  I replied.  We hung up.  I went outside to smoke.

It took about 15 minutes, but I realized suddenly, in perspective, what had just happened.  I had let my mom see my ugliest self, the worst and meanest I could get, and I directed it all at her ... and she had nothing for me but Love.  It wasn't fake, shove-it-in-my-face love ... it was Love.  Love is unconditional.  And no matter how ugly I got, how mean I became, she Loved me because her Love wasn't based on my appropriateness, my kindness, my goodness ... it just Was.  Nothing could change that.  Mom Loves me.

The Queen of Cups - you go to her, and she provides depth and power that you never would have access to otherwise.  She doesn't approach you with her wisdom, love and grace, but waits until you come to her.  But when you come, she is Power, she is Grace, she is Love.  She knows who and what she is, and she sees you for what you really are, and when you challenge her she responds with the greatest power and wisdom there is: Love.  We may not understand the Queen of Cups (what the hell is that thing she's looking at!?!?) and we may write her off as weird or detached or passively submissive.  It doesn't matter.  She's there for us anyway.

My Mom is the greatest example of unconditional love I have ever experienced in my life.

I love you, Mom.

Spiritual Memoir #2: The greatest job ever handed to me

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Ace of Pentacles

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Here is a possibility to have what you seek ... but that has been stamped with what you truly need."

An ace card indicates the presentation of a possibility, and pentacles are the suit of the tarot that represent the material world: health, wealth, nature, career ... those tangible things that make up our day-to-day life.   The ace of pentacles brings a promise of new possibility outside of us, but with a quiet hint of growth in all directions.  The pentacle is a coin, a material offering, but is etched with the five-sided star; five points representing earth, air, fire, water and ether/spirit; five points for each of the five suits of the tarot (four minors, one major); five points representing the arms, legs, and head of a human body; the number five representing challenge.  The new possibility outside of us will touch and create growth in every aspect of our being, but is offered in the form of simple material gain.

In the Rider Waite symbolism, there is a path below a pentacle presented as a gift from heaven.  The path illustrates that this offering is the beginning of a process, the promise of a possibility - not just a freebie in and of itself.  In the Steampunk tarot, the ace of pentacles is the gift of a pot of gold at the beginning of the path, that shines a light into the sky of the possibilities of greater gain.  In both of these decks, the pentacle is not a little coin in the hand, but a coin so large it completely fills the hand.  A fullness, a satiation.  Another representation of this card's energy that I really like is from the Universal Fantasy tarot.  Here the pentacle is more like the balloon that lifts a ship.  It looks like a brain to me.  It is giving the passengers wider perspective of the world around them.  I feel like it sends the message of a possibility arising that if executed smartly, will open the perspective of a person to seeing the big picture of what the world has to offer them.  

Steampunk Deck

Spiritual Memoir: Ace of Pentacles

I pulled this card several hours ago, and immediately thought, "Uh-oh!"  I couldn't, for the life of me, extract from my memory a spiritual experience relating to the ace of pentacles.  So I typed and typed out possibilities, and then got a clearer picture of what this card is really about, and how it relates to me.  Here we go...

In March of 2009 I was 26 years old, with a Bachelor's in Business/Marketing, fluent in three languages, had just run my first marathon and at the peak of physical shape, had been to over 30 countries in the world ... etc, etc, ... and  felt completely unfulfilled in life.  It was all stupid - for nothing.  None of my accomplishments meant anything - it all looked cool on paper and made for great bragging rights to others, but seriously, who cared?  I had also just recently broken up with my boyfriend of two years because that relationship felt unfulfilling too.  So I got a job as a waitress at a Sport's Bar, became my sister-in-law's "personal assistant" (read: doing her laundry, hanging out with her, organizing some files for her business, etc.), and drank half a bottle of blueberry vodka with club soda every night while reading Twilight.  Yep.  That was my life.

My sister, Crystal, had recently started working with my Dad, who was taking some small charity projects he'd been doing in Kenya and working on transforming them into a full-blown, full-scale international development organization.  I'd gone to Kenya the year before to scope out some of his work, but it all seemed dumb to me (in my whoopdi-shit attitude of that era).  Crystal was my best friend, and kept inviting me to do stuff with her for the business because I was pretty much floating around in my life at that time, doing nothing much anyway.  But my relationship was still kinda rocky with my Dad, and I didn't get involved.  

Universal Fantasy Deck

When Crystal and Dad were heading out to Kenya for a month, they had just contracted a marketing company to do some stuff for them.  Since I had a degree in marketing, Dad asked if I'd work along with the contractors while he and Crys were out of town.  I agreed, only because when I met the CEO of the marketing company I immediately had a crush on him.

By the time Crystal and Dad got back. I was fully immersed in the business, and volunteered to chair the upcoming fundraiser "The Princess Festival."  I fell so deeply in love with the work we were doing, that six months after the Princess Festival ended, Dad promoted me to Executive Director (CEO) of the charity.

Working for the organization changed my life forever.  I don't have room in this post to go over it all, but it both challenged (i.e. completely traumatized) and rewarded (i.e. completely redefined) me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, materially, socially, romantically, politically ...  I almost can't remember who I was before this experience, or really who I was during it ... everything changed so quickly and so dramatically.  Everything about me reformed; everything died, but was reborn and grew, then died again but came back ... different, stronger ... better.

This is like the Ace of Pentacles.  Here, out of the blue, my sister and Dad called me up and offered me a little task in the company - like a hand from heaven reaching out and showing me a possibility of finally tasting something worthwhile in my life.  I saw the path, a little pot of gold on it in the beginning, liked it, and took a few steps forward.  I didn't ask to be a part of what they were doing, I wasn't seeking it.  It just fell out of the sky.  (And they say they didn't really feel "moved" to invite me to be a part of it.  It just came together.)

It was a possibility.  A possibility in the form of a job.  But a job that had stamped on it the pentagram, the five-fold  opportunity for growth.  I saw the job, saw the people, saw the world in need, and decided to try and believe in the possibility of a meaningful life again.  I took a step on the path, and started a very interesting journey...I was gifted a job that would stretch me in every imaginable way ... right at the moment when I'd stopped believing that a career could ever be fulfilling.

Spiritually speaking, I feel like the message is that all material things in life, everything outside of us, is stamped with the sacred five-pointed star of holistic growth.  When we are offered opportunities, or even when we seek them, to progress materially (health, wealth, career, world), it always comes with a package deal of every aspect of our being.  Of our Being.  It is impossible to have our experience be one-sided.  And that is, in my opinion, a reassurance that nothing is vain, nothing can be purely cosmetic.  That feels comforting to me.

Spiritual Memoir #1: How I found Tarot

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Tarot Card: The Moon

Card 18 of the Major Arcana.  See pics in this post (from different decks).

My Interpretations of the Card

"Into the forbidden unknown"

Because the Moon card is in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, it represents a stage in the Hero's/Fool's Journey.  It is positioned between the Star and the Sun.  The Star represents a naked, vulnerable and trusting hopefulness, and the Sun represents a fulfillment of hope.  The Moon, between these two, represents the journey through the unknown.  But it isn't just the simple unknown, it is the forbidden unknown.  It is forbidden because there is a mystery and falseness about the moon, for it appears bright, but does not produce its own light, instead reflecting the light of sun.  Some would say that it steals the light of the sun, or falsely claims it like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The only way to find out if this is true, of course, is to experience it.  To step on that road, and taste it.

The moon can also seem undependable - some nights it shines, some days it shines; sometimes it's full, sometimes it's new (empty).  So there is an extent of chance, a gamble, with the moon.  Those who know its cycles, though, often find its shifting appearance to be magical and mystical, as opposed to a symbol of unreliability or even deviance.

Gilded Tarot 

In the Rider Waite deck's symbolism, the Moon card carries a hierarchical trilogy that is represented on many other cards, such as the Devil, the Lovers, the Hierophant or the Chariot (this is also represented in the Gilded Tarot's Moon card).  In these cards there is a balance of opposites, with a powerful, superseding force suspended above them.  The Moon card shows two identical towers, and two howling dogs on either side of a path leading from water into the mountains.  In the center above the path is the moon.  To me the Moon card looks like a balanced situation has reached its climax and that a new path must be taken - a mysterious new road where one leaves their familiar safety net behind.  The guiding force (the Moon) is not as reliable as the stars in the sky, including the sun, so before embarking on the journey the traveler must have a degree of self-confidence: if the moon disappears, and I have left my safety net behind, can I trust myself to pull through?  Will I be strong enough to follow no guidance other than my inner guidance?  Am I ready to take full ownership of my journey?

Spiritual Memoir: The Moon

I was kind of nervous about this first draw - would I know right away what to write about, or have to sit and ponder for a while for a spiritual experience that relates to whatever card I should draw?  Last night, I laid in bed, trying not to mentally scroll through all cards of the Tarot, preemptively matching up experiences from my life with each one.  I realized how big a number 78 was ... have I even had 78 spiritual experiences in my life?!?!  

This first draw, of course, will probably be the easiest for me, because I'm pulling from a full bank of experiences.  My personal story matching the Moon card popped right into mind.  It is, naturally, my story of beginning to read Tarot.

In the fall of 2007 I was working with my sisters to prepare for the opening of our metaphysical/new-age shop, and was also working full-time as a home loan processor.  I was 24 years old, and had just a year earlier renounced the Christian religion I'd been raised in (LDS/Mormon).  My sisters were on other spiritual paths, learning about Buddhism, being trained in Reiki, and reveling in crystals and angel readings, etc.  None of that stuff interested me; I mean, it was cool enough, but I had no desire to study or follow any of it.  They did instill in me a sort of superstition, though, with their obsession with the Law of Attraction.  

One day, bored at work and seeking entertainment, I looked up my horoscope online.  Then I clicked from here to there looking for a little more depth and information.  None of it really seemed like a match, or very interesting, so I just kept clicking around, from one link to another.  I got to a website that gave tarot readings, so I decided to give that a shot.  The website was http://www.facade.com/tarot (to this day this is the BEST automated tarot reading website out there!).  I asked the question "What's missing in my life?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled?"  I told it to pick a spread for me and pick a deck for me, and clicked the send button.

It came back with a one-card draw.  Today, I have no idea what deck it was from, or what card it was, but it was a black-and-white card with a picture of a scorpion on it.  I read the definition, (I have no idea what it said), and everything inside of my mind and heart became super quiet, like a vacuum - like outer space ... and my voice inside of my mind said quietly and clearly, "You need to make amends with your dad."  

My dad and I had, at that point, an adequate relationship.  I always resented that he demanded so much independence from us, so I kind of threw it back in his face and moved out when I was 17, and never really had a close conversation with him again.  We, for the most part, peacefully kept our distance from one another, and while there wasn't overt animosity, I kinda thought he was a jerk.  (More insight on this in THIS blog post.)  So this voice/reading in one way surprised me because I didn't see it coming, at all; but in another way it surprised me because it was SO right!  I could feel it suddenly, there in my heart: a longing for a closeness to my dad.  After hours and hours of searching online for something meaningful, I'd found the most powerful spiritual tool I'd ever personally experienced in my life: Tarot.

Tarot of the Cat People

So of course I immediately starting scouring the internet and reading everything I could about Tarot.  What is it?  How does it work?  What do the cards look like?  Oh, there are different kinds of decks?  I discovered the Tarot of the Cat People and decided I must have it, because I love cats!  I ordered it immediately online.  When the work day was over, I couldn't go home and do nothing - I had to get my hands on a Tarot deck, and start using it.  I drove to Barnes and Noble and got one of their generic little decks, and took it home.  My boyfriend at the time thought my passion was hilarious, and he teased me pretty relentlessly.  But I had to learn.  I had to find out how to get answers like that again.

I practiced Tarot for months: on myself, on my friends, on my cats, on anyone who would let me.  I consumed about 25 books, joined forums online, read every page of every website I could find, kept a scrupulous journal of my impressions and experiences.  The fever continued for about a year, and my love for it has never diminished.  I was reticent to do readings for money, but after several experienced friends from an online forum told me my readings were pretty damned good, I decided to go for it. ( http://www.tarotforum.net/ <-- best place to practice and learn Tarot.)

Tarot spawned my interested in archetypes, which led me to study of Jung.  It led me to studies of alchemy, astrology, numerology, druidism, animal totems and gnostic gospels.  It became a rock that I built a foundation of faith, study, and service on; allowing me to build and change my foundation as I saw fit, without impeding, requiring, commanding or taking anything.  Tarot is just there.  You make with it what you want, what you will.  

This relates to the Moon card, of course, because half of my world thought I was headed straight to the devil for taking this path.  Tarot was a mystery to them.  They thought (and some think still) that when I felt intuition using Tarot, it wasn't the light of God (sun), but the Devil's imitation of it (moon).  But I trusted, and stepped forward anyway.

The experience of discovering Tarot wasn't like the Star card, a hoping and trusting - it was a first step onto a mysterious journey where I was leaving behind my known world and seeking another.  It wasn't like the Sun card of joyous knowing and celebration - but a quest, a process, and it required me to get alone with me, to leave behind anything else I'd ever listened to in my life, and to step into the moonlit path of my inner knowing, my inner hearing.  Sometimes it's been fun and easy and delightful to just see clarity pop out of the cards, but often the reward is when the moon darkens, and I'm sitting alone on the path staring at a bunch of cards, and I have to struggle to find the meaning, I have to trust my steps in the darkness.  I find that I travel further under those circumstances that I would otherwise.  The moon is still there, even when it's new, it just isn't shining the light.  But it doesn't abandon.  It just gives us a little independence, pushes us to find our own lights.

For the record, for the past three years I have worked side by side running two businesses with my Dad.  We have become best friends. (See pics below!)

Me & Dad dancing at a business/social event in Dallas (2009)

Me & Dad at a business/social event in Washington DC (2010)

My Spiritual Life through Tarot: a memoir blog series

I've been doing some automatic writing again.  For those who don't know what that is, THIS post has an intro explaining it.  I was told today by someone I was talking to (via automatic writing - so like a Spirit Guide) that automatic writing is good for me (and for most people), because it gets me not only clearly spelling out and thinking about what's going on with me, but also kind of forces me to pause and wait to hear answers.  I think when I "pray" I usually just talk forever and then shrug my shoulders and walk away.  With automatic writing I pause with anticipation, which opens the door to actually hearing.  Anyway.  Just a tidbit to throw in :)

That's actually not the topic of this post.

In today's automatic writing session I was told by an old spirit guide friend of mine, Ganesha, to start a blog series for this blog.  I was chatting with another guide, and I literally was interrupted as I was talking about writing in general (like authoring writing), and in my mind I felt it was Ganesha and this is what I typed from him, "I’m going to step in here for a minute because I’m both your authoring mentor and your chore-busting mentor."


I swear on my life that I had no idea Ganesha was the patron saint of authors and artists.  I thought it was weird that he interceded right then, but was like, Ok - whatever.  (Because I like talking to him more than some of my other guides.  He's silly, makes me laugh.)  Out of the blue just now I was looking up some fabulous lyrics about Ganesha to include in this blog from M.C. Yogi's "Jai Ganesha" and came across the patron saint thing in my google search.

My mind is blown.

And I'm giggling because it's fun to get confirmations ...

Ok, seriously, that's the last digression for this post.  What I'm actually posting about is to announce that for the next 78-ish days I will be posting spiritual memoirs, as instructed by my homey Ganesha, but I'm going to tell the stories as inspired by the Tarot.

Here's how it works:

1. I draw a Tarot card at random
2. I'll briefly explain the card's symbolism/meaning and include a picture for you to reference.
3. Based on the symbolism on that card, I'll tell a you story about my life's spiritual journey. 
4. I'll try to keep it short.  Ganesh told me 600-1000 words, specifically.  (This post is currently at 429 words).

He said by the end of it, I would have a pretty complete history of my spiritual process.  But told in a "random" order.

Sound fun?

I think you'll enjoy it.  First, because the God of all wisdom, loved by all children, known for the blessing the homes that we live in said you would (there are some of those lyrics ... thanks MC Yogi!).  Second, because I'm a great storyteller.  :D

It may not take me the full 78 days.  There are just 78 cards in the Tarot, and it was recommended that I go through a whole deck, at least one a day, but more if I'd like.  The daily commitment actually scares me, and I'd really like to just stockpile a bunch of them all at once then take a two week break... he he he.  

Anyway, now you know what you'll be seeing!  Let the magic begin...

Sometimes experiments fail. And we can talk about that too.

It's been two months since I posted.  Whew, time kinda flies (but also kinda stands still).  I think about posting a lot, but generally don't for the same reason over and over ... I feel performance anxiety.  People really liked my last entry, I say to myself, what if this next one is dumb, or sounds whiny or isn't well thought-out?!?!?  And so I don't post.

I don't regret it, but it is kind of inauthentic to only post the feelings, thoughts, conclusions and impressions that I deem "worthy" of the audience.  After all, I have titled this blog a search for and experimentation with Truth - shouldn't failed experiments be included in my reporting as well as the successful ones?  I think so!  So without a long expose', I will shine a light on the past two months.

It's been really, really rough.  Not rough because I've been busy at the grindstone, but rough because I've been beating myself up about not being busy at the grindstone.  I would wake up, usually at about 1:30 in the afternoon, and think of how pathetic and inappropriate such a late hour was.  I'd not feel like going in to volunteer at the coffee shop, and feel like a withholder and feel unreliable for not doing so.  I'd sit around the house in my jammies all day, and point out to myself that I am the epitome of white trash.  Of course, just about anyone I'd talk to about this would look at me like I was crazy and say, "I don't judge you.  I don't think that about you.  I actually don't think about how early you wake up, what you do with your time, or how you dress at all...  You're fretting over nothing!"  Their comforting words would provide temporary solace, but of course, the only true acceptance we can ever feel has to come from ourselves... and I was my worst critic.

I also read a lot of fiction and watched a lot of TV.  Hooray for the Mistborn trilogy, the Hunger Games, The Three Musketeers, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Spartacus, The Walking Dead and so on.  I didn't like Inkheart that much though, and started reading Inkspell and just couldn't get past the first 80 pages because it was for too young of an audience...  This was another tool I employed:  fiction/TV mixed with some wine provided a perfect cocktail of numbness and "checking-out."  I don't regret this, but have beat myself up about it.  Of course, like with everyone else, no one else criticized me about it at all.  It was just my own self-reproach that gnawed at me.

I got better at it, but I did pendulum swing.  It became about being proud and defensive about all of it.  I LOVE that I get to sleep in and pity you because you don't!  Or I'm not so shallow as to care about how I look.  Obviously WE'RE not on the same level!  Ah, the snide nature of defensiveness.  I didn't actually say these things to anybody, but I shielded myself with the words.  Of course, no one was shooting arrows, so a shield was pointless.  All that happened was my self-criticism grew ... and became charged with anger.

I felt abandoned by God.  (In this blog post I'm going to call God "She" for the fun of mixing it up.  I have permission from God to do this.  The "God" I know has no gender.)  She wasn't fixing it.  Here I was, "giving up everything" and She wasn't doing Her part of the deal.  She's betrayed me again!

Do you know that I went through 48 hours of pure hell because I knew my bank account was short the $0.93 needed for an upcoming automatic withdrawal, and I had the $1 bill in my hand, but it was a weekend and I didn't know the PIN to my new debit card, so I couldn't deposit the $1 through the ATM?  I mean, it's pretty ridiculous in retrospect, but it sucked to live through.  I knew it was ridiculous too, but I feel trapped, bound, worried, and betrayed.  God said She'd provide for me ... why was even the simplest thing soooo haaarrdd!?!?

And finally, in the spirit of transparency, I awoke last Tuesday, and laid in bed for about 2 hours, finding comfort in the thought of death.  Death wouldn't solve my problems, I knew, but it would at least change the scenery.  For the record, I had no intention of actually seeking death, but I did start liking the idea of an "escape."

And then a cat snapped me out of it.

Well, the cat started the chain of events that did.  I was house-sitting for a friend, and needed to go feed her cat.  I'd just spent two hours in a class where I'm supposed to lead a spiritual discussion, that turned into two hours of me venting about my sense of betrayal (BTW thanks to my two special co-students for hearing me out and offering love and support!!).  After my class, I intended to walk into my friend's house, dump food in the cat bowl and walk out.  But instead, this adorable little furball named Duchess enticed me into an exchange: she'd get snuggled and loved, and I'd get someone to listen to me vent some more.  That got boring after about 30 minutes so I decided to play my friend's Game Cube while snuggling.  That got boring really fast, but the cat was simply too perfect to leave behind for the evening, so I looked at my friend's movies, and found an Abraham-Hicks lecture on video.  This is the last shot You've got, God.  I'll watch this for 10 minutes, and if I don't feel better, I'm done with You.

Four hours later (2 full DVDs of lectures), I couldn't remember how I'd even been so upset in the first place!  It was all Law of Attraction - I was focused on betrayal, so my life dished up more time and opportunities to fit into the lens of betrayal.  I was focused on justifying my anger, so I had an experience of ever-increasing anger.  And so on.  The only difference between Eeyore and everyone else in the Thousand Acre Wood is where the sad little donkey puts his attention -- his attitude -- right?  (Thanks FB friends for winning me over to the philosophical power of the Pooh stories!)  And I could believe it was real because the minute, while watching the DVD, I looked at my situation through a lens of maybe this is actually a fun experience, it started looking pretty fun.  And funny.

Then I read over the next few days Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue by Neale Donald Walsch, which is rocking my world, and helping me see that all of the negativity I was drawing from my "spirituality" was because I was kinda seeking the failure as a means to justify my anger.  I wanted to be angry.  I still do a lot of the time.  But I feel empowered to accept that there may be a better way.  Instead of seeing this life as a challenging task of overcoming the ego, Conversations with God has helped me to see it as my personal creation of a story of Ascension.  That has a better energy to it, right?  It even sounds ... (dare I say it??) ... fun!

So it's been a good week :)

It took about 3 days, but after conscious attitude shifting, and taking a little accountability for my life, and enjoying the mystery a little, and especially asking for help with an expectation of receiving it, instead of with anger for needing it, things started turning better.  I feel hopeful and even a little delighted, and the perceived entrapment has faded out.

And now I have that off of my chest.