Spiritual Memoir #9: Drifting Away to New Worlds

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir

blog series, see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite deck

Tarot Card: Four of Swords

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Rest in the stillness of the Divine, by silencing thoughts and words."

Isn't tarot so weird?  Last time I wrote on the five, six and seven of swords, and today I pull the immediately preceding card: the four of swords.  I have to admit, I'm kinda wishing I could get another Major Arcana card ... but they just aren't coming.  Oh well.  This is a really good card, and I have a good memoir to go with it!  :)

I feel like the four of swords is easily misunderstood.  I find it to be by far the most peaceful swords card, and my first gut instinct every time I see it is: rest.  Time to rest.  

In the Rider Waite symbolism there is a golden coffin in a church or castle (as evidenced by the stained-glass window).  The coffin has a statue on it representing the figure inside - a soldier.  There is also the symbol of a sword on the side of the coffin, and three swords on the wall.  I imagine this is the funeral of a great warrior, who won three battles (swords on the wall), and surrendered nobly in the forth battle (sword on the coffin).

Of course, the card doesn't symbolize death or "the end", because it's only card four - six more swords cards follow it.  So why does it look like death?

Sun and Moon Tarot

My answer is that it isn't showing death, but the peace that comes from surrender, and that winning with swords (or words and thoughts) is not nearly as noble as laying them down, and shielding ourselves from battle ... say, by covering ourselves in a sarcophagus.  I like to imagine that this soldier is going to be buried with the last sword - buried with a single thought, a single word.  Buried not in total silence, but in pure focus, pure commitment, to the solitary sword he values most - that solitary thought.

Look at the gorgeous Sun and Moon Tarot's depiction - ah, yea!  Blue skies, open possibilities, and instead of the swords being on top of the character in the picture, she's resting on top of them.  This makes me think of "sleeping on it", or not arguing or thinking about a problem without a night to sleep and process the situation subconsciously.  I also like this picture, because it makes me think of yoga. 

Spiritual Memoir: Four of Swords

Around 2008 or 2009, I was invited to attend a discussion with "The Avarians".  I had no idea what that meant, except that my friend Holly Semanoff and her husband, Mike Semanoff, were going to talk about some spiritual experience they had with connecting to higher beings - to angels or ascended spirits.  I went with my sisters to the discussion event.

It turns out, Holly and Mike actually channel the words of a group of ascended beings, who call themselves the Avarians.  When you go to an Avarians event, you sit with a group of people, with Holly facing you, and she and Mike take a few deep breaths and focus/meditate, and then Holly speaks the words of the Avarians, in their delightfully accented voice.  If you'd like to learn more about them (and I recommend you do!), you can see their website here: http://www.theavarians.com/.  

So I'm at this event, and Holly and Mike do their thing, and Holly starts talking for the Avarians, and they have all kinds of messages of love and hope and peacefulness, and it's cool.  Then, they say, "We want to share a tool with you - a meditation."  As directed, the whole room closes their eyes and focuses on their breathing, and so on.  Throughout the whole meditation, I feel only half-focused, because I wasn't really listening to what they were saying, or thinking about anything else.  I think I was just really tired.  Eventually I started to doze off.  After a few minutes, I heard the Avarians (through the voice of Holly), say something like "And now, feel your consciousness come back to this room...," and they guided us through slowly waking up, blah blah blah.  I, personally just pepped right up, thinking, "Woops, that was a waste of my time, I just dozed off."  Then after everyone else was back, the Avarians said some more stuff.

I don't know exactly when I realized it, but it was while I was still at the Avarians session, I know for sure ... I suddenly, somehow, had a realization that I had not dozed off or fallen asleep.  I had, suddenly, a stream of memories of thoughts I'd experienced during the meditation.  I remembered, suddenly, that I had been "thinking" about being swaddled or wrapped up in a warm blanket, while in a dark room or cave with indigo/black walls, and cradled in the arms of someone.  Or someones.  Even now, I can see/feel it in my mind.  The person(s) holding me was lighter blue in color, and brighter than the bluish-purple-black walls, but not bright like a light.  Just lighter, like normal light.  I had felt warm and comforted and relaxed...

So... what the fuck?  What the hell is that?  I have no memory of actually thinking that, but a "memory of having thought about it..."  - like, what does that even mean?!?!  I don't know.  I just don't remember thinking it, I don't remember "being" somewhere else, I don't remember seeing anything like it ever before in my life (like in a movie or something).  But it was clearly in my memory - fresh.  It felt very real, very personal, and actually very subtle.  Maybe it was imagination ... but no, it was a memory.  I can tell the difference between imagination and memory in my mind.

All of this "remembering" happened while I was still sitting and listening to the Avarians/Holly.  As I tried to figure out what the hell was going on, I had a clear, confident knowing in my mind: I just had an out-of-body experience.  My consciousness experienced something that my body didn't, and I haven't experienced it in this life before, so I didn't know what to call it.  It wasn't a thought and it wasn't a physical experience.  The best label I have for it, "memory" is nice, but not accurate.  My consciousness left my body.  

Whoa.

I know all of this happened still during the event, because at the end of the event, Holly said she had some CDs that explain more about what the Avarians are, and a special meditation essential oil blend.  I was so stunned by that weird "blacking-out-just-kidding-that-was-superconsciousness" experience that I bought one of everything, went home listened to everything religiously, did all of the meditations on the CDs every day for a few weeks ... and never was able to duplicate the experience.  I have attended over a dozen Avarians events since then, and never experienced anything remotely like that again.

Until about a month ago.

April 1, 2012, the same Holly invited me to take her Conscious Breathing for Enlightenment class, which is a mix of her years and years of experience with yoga, and the input and recommendations of the Avarians.  I was really excited about the class - and even cut down my smoking tremendously to prepare for it (didn't quit though...ha ha!).  At the end of the class, we did a 30-minute Chakra Dhyana meditation.  All during the meditation, I remember being conscious, hearing everything, participating in all of the chants and breathing, etc.  I remember when we were at the heart chakra, Holly came up and was touching my back, and I'm pretty sure she was sending me Reiki or something similar.  It felt easier to breath all of a sudden, and my muscles felt less tired (I have terrible posture, so sitting up straight makes my back muscles burn pretty quickly).

I remember the meditation ending.  And I remember being disappointed that nothing "big" happened (like, you know, an explosion of Kundalini or a visitation from God).  Then as other people were talking about their experiences and the electricity they felt through their bodies (which I did not feel), I experienced a memory.  A memory of being back in a purple-blue-black cave room during the meditation.  I saw random flashes of thoughts and experiences.  None of it made sense.  A person, a war, voices, fire ... just little muddled flashes in the indigo cave.  It was like a memory within a memory - I had a memory of being in this cave place and flipping through memories in my mind - memories that are totally foreign to me and my life.

What does all of this mean?  I have no idea!  Ha ha!  I have two guesses, that may be simultaneously right or individually right, or dead wrong:

1. I'm just experiencing different levels of consciousness.  The "indigo cave", actually feels like it could be inside my mind, and indigo is the color of the third-eye chakra, so maybe in my mind I've experience some type of intuitive consciousness or something.
2. I actually think it's possible I may be accessing past life memories or experiences.  Yes, I believe in reincarnation, and I believe in being able to tap into consciousness of the "big picture" and not just this life's experiences.

One thing I know for sure though, I didn't imagine it.  And I don't know how to replicate it, except possibly through better, more intense meditation exercises.  (Read: Holly Sue ... get ... off ... ass ... and ... start ... meditating ... more ... regularly).  I am excited for my meditation retreat next month - maybe I'll get a better idea of what's going on here!  Oh, and next week, I'm getting a first Reiki attunement, and maybe that will help bust down any grime in my energetic system that blocks me from accessing this on my own.

Arcus Arcanum Tarot

Ok, now tying it back to the four of swords - I like the card in the Arcus Arcanum tarot.  Here, the man sits and thinks, and the sentinels of his mind step aside, so that he has access to the wisdom of a High Priestess.  His thoughts part, and he accesses a divine source of knowing, which supersedes his logical thinking.  Beautiful imagery!

And, going back to the Rider Waite imagery, when I entered these trance-like meditative states, it was like I went into the sarcophagus - isolated from the myriad thoughts bouncing off the walls, and sat with one thought, one intention, one purpose.  I sat in silence, and was inside my mind - the home of thoughts - but out of range of the thoughts themselves.  And I found peace, connection, knowingness.  But before all of that came the stillness.

A final thought ...  I think a lot about how Gandhi did one full day a week of silence.  

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

-Mohandas "Mahatma" Gandhi

Caroline Myss talks in her book Entering the Castle about silence (p.39): 

"This quality of silence allows you to engage in discernment.  You carry this silence within you, even when you are with others.  It allows you to hold your center amid the chaos in life; it keeps you clear so that you do not do or say things you will regret or make decisions out of fear.  Silence is a learned practice that requires far more than just not talking..."

I think of this four of swords card as the card of internal silence.  Quiet and resting on the outside too, but also parting the swords in our minds, sealing the sarcophagus around us, and experiencing that powerful, beautiful silence that has a new, completely different experience to show us.  I'll let you know when my new experiences start making a little more sense... :)

Spiritual Memoir #1: How I found Tarot

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Tarot Card: The Moon

Card 18 of the Major Arcana.  See pics in this post (from different decks).

My Interpretations of the Card

"Into the forbidden unknown"

Because the Moon card is in the Major Arcana of the Tarot, it represents a stage in the Hero's/Fool's Journey.  It is positioned between the Star and the Sun.  The Star represents a naked, vulnerable and trusting hopefulness, and the Sun represents a fulfillment of hope.  The Moon, between these two, represents the journey through the unknown.  But it isn't just the simple unknown, it is the forbidden unknown.  It is forbidden because there is a mystery and falseness about the moon, for it appears bright, but does not produce its own light, instead reflecting the light of sun.  Some would say that it steals the light of the sun, or falsely claims it like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The only way to find out if this is true, of course, is to experience it.  To step on that road, and taste it.

The moon can also seem undependable - some nights it shines, some days it shines; sometimes it's full, sometimes it's new (empty).  So there is an extent of chance, a gamble, with the moon.  Those who know its cycles, though, often find its shifting appearance to be magical and mystical, as opposed to a symbol of unreliability or even deviance.

Gilded Tarot 

In the Rider Waite deck's symbolism, the Moon card carries a hierarchical trilogy that is represented on many other cards, such as the Devil, the Lovers, the Hierophant or the Chariot (this is also represented in the Gilded Tarot's Moon card).  In these cards there is a balance of opposites, with a powerful, superseding force suspended above them.  The Moon card shows two identical towers, and two howling dogs on either side of a path leading from water into the mountains.  In the center above the path is the moon.  To me the Moon card looks like a balanced situation has reached its climax and that a new path must be taken - a mysterious new road where one leaves their familiar safety net behind.  The guiding force (the Moon) is not as reliable as the stars in the sky, including the sun, so before embarking on the journey the traveler must have a degree of self-confidence: if the moon disappears, and I have left my safety net behind, can I trust myself to pull through?  Will I be strong enough to follow no guidance other than my inner guidance?  Am I ready to take full ownership of my journey?

Spiritual Memoir: The Moon

I was kind of nervous about this first draw - would I know right away what to write about, or have to sit and ponder for a while for a spiritual experience that relates to whatever card I should draw?  Last night, I laid in bed, trying not to mentally scroll through all cards of the Tarot, preemptively matching up experiences from my life with each one.  I realized how big a number 78 was ... have I even had 78 spiritual experiences in my life?!?!  

This first draw, of course, will probably be the easiest for me, because I'm pulling from a full bank of experiences.  My personal story matching the Moon card popped right into mind.  It is, naturally, my story of beginning to read Tarot.

In the fall of 2007 I was working with my sisters to prepare for the opening of our metaphysical/new-age shop, and was also working full-time as a home loan processor.  I was 24 years old, and had just a year earlier renounced the Christian religion I'd been raised in (LDS/Mormon).  My sisters were on other spiritual paths, learning about Buddhism, being trained in Reiki, and reveling in crystals and angel readings, etc.  None of that stuff interested me; I mean, it was cool enough, but I had no desire to study or follow any of it.  They did instill in me a sort of superstition, though, with their obsession with the Law of Attraction.  

One day, bored at work and seeking entertainment, I looked up my horoscope online.  Then I clicked from here to there looking for a little more depth and information.  None of it really seemed like a match, or very interesting, so I just kept clicking around, from one link to another.  I got to a website that gave tarot readings, so I decided to give that a shot.  The website was http://www.facade.com/tarot (to this day this is the BEST automated tarot reading website out there!).  I asked the question "What's missing in my life?  Why do I feel so unfulfilled?"  I told it to pick a spread for me and pick a deck for me, and clicked the send button.

It came back with a one-card draw.  Today, I have no idea what deck it was from, or what card it was, but it was a black-and-white card with a picture of a scorpion on it.  I read the definition, (I have no idea what it said), and everything inside of my mind and heart became super quiet, like a vacuum - like outer space ... and my voice inside of my mind said quietly and clearly, "You need to make amends with your dad."  

My dad and I had, at that point, an adequate relationship.  I always resented that he demanded so much independence from us, so I kind of threw it back in his face and moved out when I was 17, and never really had a close conversation with him again.  We, for the most part, peacefully kept our distance from one another, and while there wasn't overt animosity, I kinda thought he was a jerk.  (More insight on this in THIS blog post.)  So this voice/reading in one way surprised me because I didn't see it coming, at all; but in another way it surprised me because it was SO right!  I could feel it suddenly, there in my heart: a longing for a closeness to my dad.  After hours and hours of searching online for something meaningful, I'd found the most powerful spiritual tool I'd ever personally experienced in my life: Tarot.

Tarot of the Cat People

So of course I immediately starting scouring the internet and reading everything I could about Tarot.  What is it?  How does it work?  What do the cards look like?  Oh, there are different kinds of decks?  I discovered the Tarot of the Cat People and decided I must have it, because I love cats!  I ordered it immediately online.  When the work day was over, I couldn't go home and do nothing - I had to get my hands on a Tarot deck, and start using it.  I drove to Barnes and Noble and got one of their generic little decks, and took it home.  My boyfriend at the time thought my passion was hilarious, and he teased me pretty relentlessly.  But I had to learn.  I had to find out how to get answers like that again.

I practiced Tarot for months: on myself, on my friends, on my cats, on anyone who would let me.  I consumed about 25 books, joined forums online, read every page of every website I could find, kept a scrupulous journal of my impressions and experiences.  The fever continued for about a year, and my love for it has never diminished.  I was reticent to do readings for money, but after several experienced friends from an online forum told me my readings were pretty damned good, I decided to go for it. ( http://www.tarotforum.net/ <-- best place to practice and learn Tarot.)

Tarot spawned my interested in archetypes, which led me to study of Jung.  It led me to studies of alchemy, astrology, numerology, druidism, animal totems and gnostic gospels.  It became a rock that I built a foundation of faith, study, and service on; allowing me to build and change my foundation as I saw fit, without impeding, requiring, commanding or taking anything.  Tarot is just there.  You make with it what you want, what you will.  

This relates to the Moon card, of course, because half of my world thought I was headed straight to the devil for taking this path.  Tarot was a mystery to them.  They thought (and some think still) that when I felt intuition using Tarot, it wasn't the light of God (sun), but the Devil's imitation of it (moon).  But I trusted, and stepped forward anyway.

The experience of discovering Tarot wasn't like the Star card, a hoping and trusting - it was a first step onto a mysterious journey where I was leaving behind my known world and seeking another.  It wasn't like the Sun card of joyous knowing and celebration - but a quest, a process, and it required me to get alone with me, to leave behind anything else I'd ever listened to in my life, and to step into the moonlit path of my inner knowing, my inner hearing.  Sometimes it's been fun and easy and delightful to just see clarity pop out of the cards, but often the reward is when the moon darkens, and I'm sitting alone on the path staring at a bunch of cards, and I have to struggle to find the meaning, I have to trust my steps in the darkness.  I find that I travel further under those circumstances that I would otherwise.  The moon is still there, even when it's new, it just isn't shining the light.  But it doesn't abandon.  It just gives us a little independence, pushes us to find our own lights.

For the record, for the past three years I have worked side by side running two businesses with my Dad.  We have become best friends. (See pics below!)

Me & Dad dancing at a business/social event in Dallas (2009)

Me & Dad at a business/social event in Washington DC (2010)

My Spiritual Life through Tarot: a memoir blog series

I've been doing some automatic writing again.  For those who don't know what that is, THIS post has an intro explaining it.  I was told today by someone I was talking to (via automatic writing - so like a Spirit Guide) that automatic writing is good for me (and for most people), because it gets me not only clearly spelling out and thinking about what's going on with me, but also kind of forces me to pause and wait to hear answers.  I think when I "pray" I usually just talk forever and then shrug my shoulders and walk away.  With automatic writing I pause with anticipation, which opens the door to actually hearing.  Anyway.  Just a tidbit to throw in :)

That's actually not the topic of this post.

In today's automatic writing session I was told by an old spirit guide friend of mine, Ganesha, to start a blog series for this blog.  I was chatting with another guide, and I literally was interrupted as I was talking about writing in general (like authoring writing), and in my mind I felt it was Ganesha and this is what I typed from him, "I’m going to step in here for a minute because I’m both your authoring mentor and your chore-busting mentor."


I swear on my life that I had no idea Ganesha was the patron saint of authors and artists.  I thought it was weird that he interceded right then, but was like, Ok - whatever.  (Because I like talking to him more than some of my other guides.  He's silly, makes me laugh.)  Out of the blue just now I was looking up some fabulous lyrics about Ganesha to include in this blog from M.C. Yogi's "Jai Ganesha" and came across the patron saint thing in my google search.

My mind is blown.

And I'm giggling because it's fun to get confirmations ...

Ok, seriously, that's the last digression for this post.  What I'm actually posting about is to announce that for the next 78-ish days I will be posting spiritual memoirs, as instructed by my homey Ganesha, but I'm going to tell the stories as inspired by the Tarot.

Here's how it works:

1. I draw a Tarot card at random
2. I'll briefly explain the card's symbolism/meaning and include a picture for you to reference.
3. Based on the symbolism on that card, I'll tell a you story about my life's spiritual journey. 
4. I'll try to keep it short.  Ganesh told me 600-1000 words, specifically.  (This post is currently at 429 words).

He said by the end of it, I would have a pretty complete history of my spiritual process.  But told in a "random" order.

Sound fun?

I think you'll enjoy it.  First, because the God of all wisdom, loved by all children, known for the blessing the homes that we live in said you would (there are some of those lyrics ... thanks MC Yogi!).  Second, because I'm a great storyteller.  :D

It may not take me the full 78 days.  There are just 78 cards in the Tarot, and it was recommended that I go through a whole deck, at least one a day, but more if I'd like.  The daily commitment actually scares me, and I'd really like to just stockpile a bunch of them all at once then take a two week break... he he he.  

Anyway, now you know what you'll be seeing!  Let the magic begin...

Automatic writing: a transcript

Following is a transcript of an automatic writing session that I did around Jan 25.  I didn't write down the exact date, and I don't remember it.  But anyway...

For those unfamiliar with the term "Automatic Writing", it's a method of revelation/divination that basically entails sitting down and writing what comes to your mind.  For some people it works like a journal, and for others, it creates an avenue for communication with spirits.

In preparation for this particular session of automatic writing, I went to dRM's basement and gathered her entire collection of crystals and made a big display of them on our dining room table.  I don't actually have much of a bond with crystals, so more than anything it was the fun of performing a sort of preparatory ritual than anything else.  I made sure on the table all four elements were present: earth (crystals), air (incense), water (a little bowl of water), and fire (I got the intuition that putting a battery on the table was sufficient for fire, because we didn't have any candles).  Once again, the presence of the four elements is mostly a ritualistic, get-myself-into-the-spirit-and-mood action than a materialistically relevant one.

Finally, I put on my favorite hippie shawl and got all of my favorite pendants and strung them together on a necklace.  My seven and five year-old nieces were utterly delighted that I had my little costume and display going.  There were less enthralled with the next portion of the event - me sitting and meditating until I felt I had made contact with a Divine source of communication.

Granted, it generally only takes a few minutes, but the little girls got bored after about a minute of me sitting quietly and patiently, waiting for any words to come to my mind that didn't feel *exactly* like my own.  Automatic writing, and really any other form of spiritual communication will generally feel at first like your own imagination coming up with things to say simply to entertain you; but I have found that by asking, "What if?" I can actually get guidance that for shizzle dizzle did not come from my own ego-mind.  When I imagine in my mind that someone is talking to me, I say, "What if?  What if that were real?  I'm just going to take this silly, fake conversation as far as it will go, and let my imagination go crazy.  Maybe I'm just being silly with a vivid imagination...and if I get the feeling at the end that such is the case, I'll just throw away whatever I wrote or imagined up.  But what if it were real?  What if the random little tidbits of conversation I hear bouncing around in my mind were actually important?  I'll give it a shot, and see how I feel in my heart about it afterwards."

I've been doing intuitive work like this for about 5 years.  Sometimes it's automatic writing, sometimes it's tarot (my favorite modality for intuition and insight), and sometimes it's just straight-up psychic readings.  I don't know if what I say helps people or hurts people, and for that reason I, in 95% of cases, refuse to take any form of payment for a reading and generally avoid them.  But in cases of my friends contacting me for readings, I'll read for them and if they find it particularly useful, we all rejoice (if not, we discard the information).  It's fun.

It's most fun, though, when something really meaningful comes from it; as was the case on the Jan 25th-ish in question.  So, here's the transcript.  I found it particularly insightful, as expounded upon in THIS blog post.  So if you're wondering what "psychic readings" or "spirit guides" look and sound like, here you go.  In this post:
HS = Holly Sue
SG = Spirit Guides

--
I first started by writing down: "My intention is to know how to proceed with

• Volunteer job #1 (leaving unnamed)
• Job #2
• Else?
• Income in general

I waited for a few minutes, then felt some thoughts forming in my mind and wrote:

HS: Hey, who's there?

SG: Hi Holly.

HS: Who are you?

SG: Name doesn't matter.  Only the message matters.  I have a message for you, but first you have a question for me.

HS: Yes - thanks.  I have several questions but they can all be summed up in the question of what to do?  I mean, I know what I do here doesn't matter and blah, blah, blah; but I need an income at least and I'd like to help *person* and *person* and even *person* - but how?  What to do?  And, since you haven't jumped in yet, I'm assuming you are willing to let me dump my thoughts...?

SG: Yes...

HS: Crap, I just lost them :)  Oh, yeah - I know being forgiving and loving and present is powerful in and of itself, but I guess I want to do more.

SG: What else is there?

HS: I know the answer is "nothing," but I can't shake these other things.  Plus forgiveness won't give me an income.

SG: To start - you don't have to prove you're "right."  Half of the issue with *all three people mentioned before* is that you've said things that you're too proud to let be wrong.

HS: But they trusted me when I said I knew how to help them.  I feel a duty to not betray that trust.  

--Then I got distracted by something.  I don't know what.  But, I had prepared my tarot cards nearby and was willing to pull the symbology of tarot into the conversation....--

HS: Ok, back.

SG: Focus yourself again.

HS: Ok.  One sec.  K - ready.  I feel like pulling cards.   Coo?

SG: Always.  :)

HS: Will you help me with the symbols since I struggle to read for myself?

SG: Of course.

HS:  Ok.  For the present I see The Tower: things have fallen apart, for me and for the world and many of my loved ones as macrocosms of me.  I see each of my loved ones playing out different alternate roles of my alternate reactions.  *person* remaining a believer despite this tower crumbling beneath him/her.  *another person* has already started construction on a new Tower.  *yet another person* is just a few paces behind me, etc.

(For the record, the Tower card of the tarot represents the stage in the Hero's Journey when he realizes everything he's been working towards, sacrificing for, etc., has been for a vain and foolish pursuit.  The Tower he's built for himself is struck by lighting, literally told in the story of the Tower of Babel, and destroyed, as the Greater Powers of the Universe tell the Hero that it's time to get real about objectives and stop thinking he can, of his own ego-might and power, build himself a tower to heaven...  The pathway to heaven is through submission, gentleness, and letting go of facade, not through aggressiveness, challenge, and independence.  Anyway...)

SG: Good.  Don't build new towers.  Meditate on The Tower, on where it falls in the Fool's Journey.  Learn and accept what comes next.

(For the record, it's The Star.  Trust, vulnerability, and a total outpouring of love and forgiveness, with a supply that magically never ends.  One foot on the ground (being practical) and one foot in the water (emotional/faithful).)

HS: Am I not already doing that?

SG: You've carried some of the stones with you (from your fallen Tower) and are telling yourself you just need a little roof over your head - but it will grow insatiably, Holly.  Consider the lilies.  Be a lily.  Study the Fool's journey.

HS: That sounds like leaving *person* high and dry.

SG: Why does it sound lilke that?  If you forgive and love him/her and everyone in that space you are fulfilling both your agreement and your natural role.  Remember that Jesus never accepted an official role or position anywhere, and that Gandhi's work was always voluntary.

HS: So how do I get an income?

SG: What income did Gandhi and Jesus live on?

HS: Um, alms probably.  I don't want to live on alms.

SG: Why not?  (Hint: pride)

HS: Right, because I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

SG: Why would that burden them?  I/we *(the guide started referring to him/herself as plural)* never said become a beggar.  But, like with dRM's home, the car, your bike, etc., you will be provided for like the lilies of the field.  Trust that.

HS: Trust it, huh?  Trust who?  Trust what?

SG: Trust that this illusion won't allow you to fold.  Trust that you can survive and thrive without buying in to it.  Become beloved, so beloved that the gifts willingly given to you will more than meet your needs.  There is no scarcity - you'll see.  Fishes and loves, it will never run out.

HS: *person*?  *person*?  *person and person*?  (My way of asking: what about these people I care about?)

SG: ...will all be blessed by your loving self and presence.

HS: Ok, back to the cards.  Ace of cups, reversed for the present - don't re-initiate the same relationships.  Run from them.  Don't look for relationships to fulfill me.

SG: Close.  Your cup isn't what runneth over - remember, you are the best teacher when you are the best student.  Receive, joyously, graciously and abundantly - stop trying to provide.  Instead receive.  Humility, Holly.

HS: And the Knight of Swords?  (in the future position of the reading)

SG: No message there.  Not pertinent to this conversation.

HS: Really?  No future "you'll see?"  or "we'll get back to that?"  How can I trust these messages when they are cafeteria-plan?!?!

SG: Trust them if they sound true.  Knight of Swords is a dumb card.  You should remove it from all of your decks.  We don't acknowledge (i.e. notice) or ever recommend such behavior or action.

HS: What other cards?

SG: The Devil (tarot card).  Life is The Devil - unreal yet always present.  It really doesn't make any sense to us.

HS: Any more?

SG: Get back to the reading - we'll tell you as you go along.

HS: I'm not going to remove those cards from my decks.  That's weird to me, to cherry-pick cards.

SG: That's because you don't really trust us yet.  But you will.  Now - next?

HS: King of Cups, reversed (final outcome position).  Same as the Ace of Cups reversed - stop trying to take care of/provide for/teach.  Learn instead.

SG: Right.

HS: And - 4 of wands revered (another final outcome card).  No happy home/ending - meaning it doesn't end with a good income and a happy, perfect life and blah, blah, blah.  For both Jesus and Gandhi, it led them straight to messy, horrifying deaths.

SG: Correct, but painless death.  The death of the ego is always messy and horrifying; but generally not lonely.  You won't be alone - the natural path of freedom from illusion is both nasty and blissful.  But life is nasty anyway, so why not give Enlightenment a shot?

HS: Should I focus on writing?  A book, a blog?  Conversations like these?  Anything?

SG: No.  You'll build a Tower if you do.  Let it all go.  Focus only on love and forgiveness.  Great things await when you do - none of which will be financial security, fame, power, or a following.  But you will see and hear me face to face.  For now, your pride and ego are too overpowering to make such things possible; it would definitely go to your head.

HS: I'll see you?!?!  And actually hear you?!?  Can I touch you?  (Can I tell dRM if I do!?!?)

SG:  See?  Your ego is already misusing that event that hasn't even occurred yet.

HS: Bah!

SG:  Love you, Holly.  Be brave.

HS:  Thank you :)  I'm nervous, but I can do this.

SG: You already have - just remember.  And study the Hero's Journey.

HS:  Thanks, and one more thing, if I may...  will you help me better and more clearly in the future dealing with getting into precarious commitments and how to step out of them, etc.?

SG: You've been improving...

HS: I just hate the whole explaining myself process, but feel like openness and honesty are the best pro-social policies.

SG: First:

1. Don't be pro-social
2. It will diminish as people adjust to the disappearance of your ego
3. You don't owe explanations to anyone.  Tell them you're experimenting with truth and to wait for the book.  Have fun with it.

HS: Ok, I'm fading, losing focus.  Will you help me be better?

SG: Listen better.  Study more often.  Engage with us.  Believe us, we're always doing the most we can (that will still serve).

HS: Oh.  Ok, gracias.

SG:  De nada!

---

So, if you've read this far, and are wondering why I'm posting this on a blog even now, when the guidance I received stated pretty clearly that I shouldn't .. I felt ok with doing it a few weeks later.   I don't know if this is a "116-pages event" of my own forcefulness, or if it is actually useful ... but my experience is that very few people actually read this blog, and as I've read my own previous posts, I've found them to be extremely interesting and pertinent from a long-term perspective; this is a form of journaling and recording for me.  Don't like it? ... You can stop reading :)  But this is the type of shit I'm going to be posting, because this is what my life is like.  I hear spirits, I talk to them, I relay their messages as best I can ... and I make a lot of mistakes along the way.  We all do.  (Which is why the key to enlightenment is forgiveness...)  This particular instance was powerful for me, because of the other two events that followed almost immediately (within a few days) that validated verbatim everything that was stated in this reading - lots of witnesses to me.

And now I'll end.

But I do recommend that every person work on finding their own intuitive power and connection with their Divine Guidance.  Above and beyond simple prayer or whatever - notice how in this post, I'm relatively abrasive and honest - I find that if I just act honestly, or how I would truly act with someone I was bestest buddies with, and challenge Divine Guidance to whatever issues bother me...I get really kind and honest and insightful answers back  God, the Divine, or whatever you call Him/Her/It, already knows how testy and raunchy we can be.  So just be yourself, as far as you know yourself, and be honest and you too will get answers.  I can't guarantee any of us will like the answers we get (remember how this post goes over horrible death ... uh... er...), but it feels good to have open, honest communication.  

My experience is, also, that when we reach such honest connection with Divine Guidance, there will be a ripple effect, and you will be given a few more validating cues after the fact.

And of course, the first policy is to always discard and ignore anything that makes your heart and soul feel confused or nervous.  Trust your heart to guide you.  Even if you discard Truth because you misunderstand or are afraid of it, God understand cautiousness and will get your messages to you in another way that feels more secure to you.  God can't be undermined.  So just check-in with every message you hear and keep what feels uplifting and challenging ... and discard what feels icky and apologetic.

Dreaming of Failed Triathlons

Last night I had a most vivid and frustrating dream. I almost never remember my dreams, and even less frequently do the feelings from my dreams pervade my life. But last night was different.

For the past year I have been actively training and participating in Triathlons. I've just recently lost some weight, and so they are more fun than ever, and I'm getting more competitive with them which is very fulfilling. I train for the races with my sister, Sunny Jo. She is very athletic and keeps me on my toes. We almost always race together too and she always beats me :D

My dream started off with me standing in line inside of a barn waiting for my turn to start a triathlon in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. In the barn came a little stream of water, kind of like a deep canal, with a current. This is where I would start the swim portion of the race. When it came my turn to jump in, I was given a floaty and a paddle. I hesitated - since when do you do a triathlon with a floating seat and a paddle? I noticed the water had a current. But I jumped on the seat and started paddling away.

Everyone else ahead of me in the race was casually floating down this wide canal as I vigorously paddled past them. I was excited to be passing so many people. No one else was paddling but me. There were spectators all around cheering us on.

Normally, a sprint tri will have a 300-900 meter swim. I would say this one was closer to 150 meters in the water. Before I knew it, the current turn and I was carried back to the barn and I had passed a LOT of people. Now was the time to put on my helmet and cycling shoes and take off for the cycling portion of the race - the funnest part for me!

My bike was sitting in the barn amongst some hay and dust, and there were only 3 or 4 other bikes there (usually in a tri the "transition" area has hundreds of bikes - one for each participant). I found my race number and snapped it around my waist, but for the life of my I couldn't find my helmet and shoes. I kept looking down and finding my running shoes on. I'd sit down, take them off, and look for my cycling shoes. Then, a few seconds later, I'd look down and my running shoes would be on again. Arg! It's SO important in a race to HURRY during the transitions. Probably for 3 hours of my sleep I was desperately looking for my cycling equipment. In the dream only like 40 minutes had passed, but in 40 minutes I should have been almost done with the race, not looking for my shoes! I remember that I started my swim before my sister Sunny, and during transition as I searched for my shoes, she passed me.

Finally I found them. I put them on and hopped on my bike and headed out for the bike ride... only to find that the path wasn't marked. There were spectators everywhere and nowhere did I see anyone else on a bike or a sign that said "BIKE -->" or anything like that. I rode my bike down the sidewalks, up the boardwalks, and through the crowds, but could never find the route. Once, I though I'd found it and I biked as hard as I could up a hill. The road seemed unreasonably rocky and steep. I kept wondering if I'd misread the information about the race and if the bike was a "trail ride" and if I should have brought a mountain bike instead of a road bike. But when I got to the top of the hill, my breath was taken away by the Tetons - it was the most spectacular mountain scene I'd ever seen - and the path I was on split in 1,000 directions - none of them marked for the race. I thought to myself, "Yes, this is beautiful scenery ... but I'm not here for scenery. I'm here for my race. And where the hell is my trail?!?!"

I rode my bike back down the hill and around for a little while longer. I had a moment of clear thought where I thought to myself, "You know, none of this would have happened, none of these surprises would have challenged me, if I'd come early and walked the course with a guide before the race."

I kept seeing people finish the run - it was obvious where the run started and ended - if ONLY I could find the bike trail!

At last I gave up, hopped off my bike and decided to start the run, if just only to "finish the race." When I got my running shoes on and left the barn, the race was over, spectators were cleaning up and leaving, and the "RUN --->" signs had all been taken down. I was FURIOUS. I found my phone and called Sunny. She answered asking if I was at home. "AT HOME!?!?!" I asked. "I'm here at the race with YOU! How did you forget about me?!?! Where the hell is the bike route?!?!"

Sunny Jo found me and was trying to calm me down. She explained that for her the bike route had been perfectly clear and obvious and she didn't know why I'd had such a hard time finding it. She took me outside and showed me one of the signs marking the bike path. I'd been looking for a great big sign that said, "BIKE --->" and the one she showed me was a little piece of paper with a strip of road drawn on it. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable sign. I hadn't even noticed it once.

I told her that even though I didn't finish the race, at the very least I wanted my T-shirt. We went to go grab it but they'd run out of my sizes, and I had to settle for a men's shirt. When we returned to grab my stuff to leave, my bike was missing and we couldn't find it anywhere.

At this point I was going totally crazy, and beginning to wake up. I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, lay back down, and would instantly be asleep and irate in my dream. Then I'd stir, pet my cat, close my eyes and be back in the barn frantically searching for my bike. I was going to find the race director and chew him out. I was going to yell at every spectator. I was furious, humiliated and utterly confused. What was the DEAL with this race?!?!?!

----------------

I'm wondering what this dream means for me in my life. Surely there's something I can learn from it! Here are some possibilities:

1. I have been building up to something in my life, working towards it, and I'm incapable of achieving it because I have expectations of how it should look. And I'm blinded by the fact that it looks different. (ie - the swim was on floaties with paddles, the sign marking the bike path being different, etc.)

2. I have been working really hard to achieve something and at the last minute I fail to put in enough effort - at the last minute I get proud and cut corners, and it spells my failure (ie I should have come a little early and walked the course.)

3. I'm so focused on the stupid and pointless races in life that I can't enjoy the true miracles and beauty that are surrounding me (ie the Tetons being so beautiful)

That one feels the least true though, because my desire to do the race is not stupid, and I love racing so a pretty mountain is no more important than a race.

4. There's no point in surrounding myself with beautiful scenery if inside I'm tangled with frustration and lonliness

5. I'm mistaking the challenges in my life for triathlons, when really they're something more like "floating in the current on a floaty" - am I overtraining in my life?

That's a hard question for me though, because what's wrong with training for a triathlon and wanting to compete in one? There's nothing innately wrong about it - but what's wrong is when I show up to a fun-athlon and get frustrated and angry and lonely and I fail because of it.

6. If I keep looking down and seeing my running shoes on my feet, and I can't find my cycling shoes, and everyone else is running - maybe it's a sign that I need to forget the cycling and go for a run! Am I too stuck on following "rules and order" in my life instead of choosing flow? Am I paddling down the current instead resting and allowing life to carry me?

I think lots of these could be true for my. My sister Crystal does spirit guide readings - like she psychically speaks to spirits/energies that are assigned as guides in our lives. Kind of like talking to your guardian angel for you. Some of my guides in my life are silly little Sprites. Every time Crystal does a reading for me, and asks my guides to give me, well, guidance, the Sprites say over and over, "Tell her to have more fun in life! Stop taking life so seriously!"

Is this dream giving me the same message? Am I not taking time in my life to relax and be led, because I'm so determined to do everything the "right" way?

I'll be honest with you: It's still a mystery to me. But I'm trying to work through it, which is why I'm writing it down. It's therapeutic, ya know?

If you have any extra insights, let me know! :D