On Discipline

I decided to post outside of my usual tarot spiritual memoirs today, to mix it up a little.  Fun?  Fun!

I have lived both highly disciplined, and completely undisciplined periods of my life.  I've had times where I worked three jobs, or worked full-time while attending school full-time and volunteering.  I've run two marathons, and competed in 5 sprint triathlons and one olympic-distance triathlon.  My mom often said when we were little, "Sometimes we have do to things we don't want to do," to get me to do my chores, and I lived the first 28 years of my life holding tightly to that concept and grinding my way though challenging, and sometimes nauseatingly uninteresting tasks.

Did I mention my training with the Federation?

I've always done this with a belief, an understanding, that if I nobly put my nose to the grindstone, there'd be some kind of payoff.  If I worked hard, I'd not only get promotions, and move into positions of higher authority and respect, but get better pay.  If I exercised and ate well, I'd not only have a strong, healthy body, but would feel vital and full of energy.  If I followed God and said my prayers and read scriptures daily and went to church and served, etc., I'd feel connection and closeness with God.  That's what I believed, so that's why I pressed on.  Overall, I was very disappointed.  My labors never seemed to have a payoff really at all, and when they did, they didn't sate me, they didn't satisfy the debt of effort I'd put in.

So naturally, I became jaded.   :)

I live today with minimal commitments and minimal goals and ambitions.  I don't force myself, for the most part, to do things I don't want to do.  I just do whatever I feel like, and if that means laying in bed all day, I lay in bed all day.  If that means watching a lot of TV, I watch a lot of TV.  And more often than I would expect, I get these moments of energy where I'm up for washing the dishes, scooping the cat box, going for a walk, or playing with the kids.  And, to be totally honest, I still don't feel sated or satisfied.  Hmmm... this isn't what I want either.

A few months ago, I was talking to some friends of mine, and I asked them what they thought of discipline.  These friends and I share similar spiritual perspectives, and I wanted to know, in their opinion, what role discipline played for them in spiritual practice.  Let's say with meditation.  Meditation, by nature, is a practice of discipline.  It's very boring and difficult to sit silent, unmoving, and unthinking for longer than like 30 seconds.  So by engaging in meditation, I'm buying in to the payoffs of discipline.  But when discipline makes me feel like I'm "going through the motions," or I get resentful because I really don't feel like doing the task but force myself to anyway, the whole point is lost, right?  How about when I see no fruits or outcomes from a practice, and I don't enjoy it overall, do I discipline myself to mindlessly drone on, or call bull-shit on the practice to prevent myself from entering a state of brainwashing?  Where's the line here?

One of those friends, Crystal (not my sister), made an interesting point to me.  The root word for discipline is the same as for disciple, and comes from a bunch of different meanings through the development of language, either dealing with military training (yikes!), punishment or correction of wrong behavior (yikes!), or instruction and education (yay!).  Let me just copy and paste the etymological roots from an online dictionary:

discipline (n.) 

early 13c., "penitential chastisement; punishment," from O.Fr. descepline (11c.) "discipline, physical punishment; teaching; suffering; martyrdom," and directly from L.disciplina "instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge," also "object of instruction, knowledge, science, military discipline," from discipulus (see disciple). Sense of "treatment that corrects or punishes" is from notion of "order necessary for instruction." The Latin word is glossed in O.E. by þeodscipe. Meaning "branch of instruction or education" is first recorded late 14c. Meaning "military training" is from late 15c.; that of "orderly conduct as a result of training" is from c.1500.

Source: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=discipline

Um ... none of that up there seems remotely healthy, except maybe the "instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge" part... 

But relating discipline to disciple, as I understand the word disciple, feels a little more reasonable.  Disciples follow because they want to.  And because they want to, the payoff is in the following itself, not in the expectations of an outcome down the road.  Let's say you have a furry little kitten rolling around on the ground in front of you, and you can't help yourself, you must pick up and snuggle that kitten.  And whether the kitten mellows out and purrs, or scratches your eyes out, you're not disappointed in yourself for trying because you were compelled to do the action, without an expectation of outcome.  The point was to touch that kitten's furry pelt, not to make a best friend for life.

Tell me you aren't compelled to touch his mutated-extra-toed foot!

This extends to another one of my favorite topics, beyond cats ... food.  We don't eat coconut shrimp sushi with mango sliced on top with a side of sake because we expect it to give us superpowers ... we eat it because the moment it hits our tongue we get our reward.  The reward is the action itself.

I guess this could be called "living in the moment."  And it is actually that same concept, except discipleship also indicates standing for something.  

What are my core values and aspirations?  Take time to identify them.  Then, how do I live those right here, right now?  This is how we differentiate discipleship from hedonism.  Discipleship stands for something, it has core values it uses as a litmus test for every action, for every moment.

I created a graph to show all of these relationships.  (Awesome, right?!?!)

So when it comes to a difficult but possibly meaningful task:

1. Eeyore would say: "It's going to fail anyway.  What's the point?"  Futurized negative expectations, no values to fight that.
2. Laziness would say: "Maybe," then do nothing.  At least they're acknowledging how they feel in the moment to a certain extent, but no values to make that mean anything.
3. The hedonist would say: "How soon will it bring me pleasure?"  The focus on right now says they're living in the moment, and to their credit, a dedication to pleasure is a type of value. 
4. Old-school discipline would say: "I'll do it even if I hate it, because I believe in it, so it's bound to pay off in the long run."
5. The true disciple would say: "What do I really care about in life, and who do I want to be?  Will doing this thing be an expression of those two things or not?"

I think those two sentences are the key:

What do I really care about in life, and who do I want to be?  Will doing this thing be an expression of those two things, or not?

Note that we aren't asking if doing the thing will "bring us" what we care about in life or "make us" who we want to be.  We're asking if the act itself is an expression of who and what we aspire to.

Now, how do I get myself to a place where I ask these questions every day, all day?  It's hard to remember these questions before making decisions, and keep myself focused on what I really care about and who I want to be.

There's only one answer: I discipline myself into it.

Just kidding.

But seriously, I think a way is to maybe put up reminders (or something similar) to ask the questions, and if you get in the habit, it's something that will work for you.  If you don't, don't worry about it.

Here's a paragraph I LOVE from A Course in Miracles:

"Decisions are continuous.  You do not always know when you are making them.  But with a little practice with the ones you recognize, a set begins to form which sees you through the rest.  It is not wise to let yourself become preoccupied with every step you take.  The proper set, adopted consciously each time you wake, will put you well ahead.  And if you find resistance strong and dedication weak, you are not ready.  Do not fight yourself.  But think about the kind of day you want, and tell yourself there is a way in which this very day can happen just like that.  Then try again to have the day you want."

--A Course in Miracles, Ch 30, Section I,  Paragraph 1.

It's not about "discipline" ... it's about deciding where you'd like to go today, what you'd like to see, then doing whatever creates that.  When options come up that would take you in a different direction, if you know what you want, you won't be interested in the distractions.  But if you're not really dedicated to what you think you want, you may find it worth pausing to see what the other options are.  All of this is ok.

The real way to progress, the real key to it all, is to find out what you want: who you want to be and what's important to you.  If you are really clear on those things, the rest comes.

Do I know this because I live it, or because I read it in a book, or because I made it up?  Well, I know I hate old-school discipline, and that my lazy-hedonistic-Eeyore faze is burning out - those two things I know for sure.  I also know that this theme is pretty consistent across most self-help/spiritual books I read.  I also know that when I make my decisions based on where I want to be and who I want to be, I don't feel as pressed to "justify" the decisions, either to myself or others.  That alone brings a lot of peace to my over-caffeinated mind.  So I'll roll with this for a while - it feels good.  It feels right.  It makes a lot of sense, especially in the context of cats and food, so I'm down with expanding the application.

I do have to admit, it's scary to say "who I want to be" and "what I stand for" because it's changed and evolved so many times in my life that I hate going down that path again (Eeyore!).  But I think in the past I was focused more on details than the big picture.  So I'll focus on the big picture, and allow it to stay fluid and open-ended until I feel more settled with it.  Of course, I'll let you know how it goes.

Spiritual Memoir #8: From Silent to Raging Bitch

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Cards: Five, Six and Seven of Swords

(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Cards

"Your thoughts and words can easily flip-flop you between victim and abuser."

Tonight I drew my first swords card of this memoir blog series, the six of swords.  I started to write a blog post about it, but kept having a feeling that this card is best understood (and best relates to my life) when seen in context with the card that comes before it, the five of swords, and the seven which comes after.  So we're going to try a three-card series for a change.  :)

Swords are the suit that represent the element of air, and are generally tied to logic and thinking - brainy stuff.  I also have found swords to commonly represent words and communication.  In the tarot, the numbers five through seven generally seem to represent to me a movement from chaos/victimization (five), making a choice for change/sharing (six), to a small victory/new perspective (seven).  With the swords suit, this pattern plays out, but has what I feel is a tricky and even dark twist to it.  Because it starts at being victimized, and ends with victimizing others.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Let's start with Rider Waite imagery.  

• First, in the five of swords, there's a guy who's been playing at swords with his friends, but they drop their swords and walk away, while he happily picks up what they left behind, laughing at them behind their backs.  For today's post, this card feels like someone bullying us, and we walk away hurt while they laugh at us.  
• Then, in the six of swords, a huddled woman and child take a journey across a river with their swords before them - they decide to leave the bully and get away.  
• But in the seven of swords, the main character of the card is now stealing and snatching swords away from others - in effect doing the same thing as the bully in the five cards, but doing it behind people's backs.

NOTE: These cards have TONS of different possibilities for meanings, and today I'm just pointing out one possibility, so bear with me.  :)

Ok, so the sequence goes like this: get overtly bullied, run away and get some space, then become a back-stabbing bully.  Bah!

With swords representing thoughts and words, I see the sequence as: get in an argument and lose, go home and think about it and come up with an *awesome* revenge, then implement the revenge in a passive-aggressive way that makes the initial bully feel humiliated and experience loss.  I think we've all done this, haven't we?

Let's look at another deck.  Sorry if these images are kinda blurry ... I took them with my phone in a semi-darkened room.

Dragon's Tarot

Ok, Dragon's tarot: 

• Five of swords, people are driven from their castle because the dragon has burned them out and taken over
• Six of swords, they take a journey overseas with the dragon at their back, praying for a new start
• Seven of swords, new dragon attacks an individual dude.  

Bah!  That's not a good story!  See what I mean by looking at these cards as a sequence?  In none of these cards do they actually group together and fight the dragon, even though they've got swords - they're just running and running away.  How often do we not face a situation, believing we're too weak or dumb, and just think we if effectively hide from/avoid it will go away?!?

Swords, in general, are probably the most feared suit in the tarot, because pretty much every card has a cool sharpness to it.  Not much warm fuzzy going on with the swords.  I think this is important to think about.  Our thoughts are powerful tools, and one of the defining characteristics of humanity: we think.  But the tarot seems to carry a warning that thoughts can be powerfully destructive.  Words, of course, carry similar power.  Think of someone telling you a warming inspirational story - warms your heart for a few hours right?  Now, think of someone telling you about the ghost that's been haunting their house and how it bangs things around and the cat screeches and hisses all night - chills you for the rest of your life, right?  The cool blade of thoughts and words seem to be sharper than their warming and comforting side.  We must learn to wield them intelligently, masterfully, and always with a good dose of reality (pentacles) and love/connectedness (cups).  Swords, representing air, feed the fire of passion (wands), yay!, - but be conscious that the fire with too much air can blaze out of control.

Let me make sure I'm making my point here - fear is not the intended emotion, but consciousness, mastery and wisdom.  Swords can take over, and wands can take over.  The wise soul tempers and contains their thoughts and passions with both emotional and temporal connection.  Let's get to my story...

Spiritual Memoir: Five, Six & Seven of Swords

Three cards make for a long description and a long story.  I'll do my best to keep this short and readable!  

My first real romantic relationship happened when I was 24.  I met a great, handsome guy, and within a few weeks we moved in together.  The relationship lasted for two years.  In the end, I broke up with him, because while the relationship was ok and we were really best friends, it seemed like we lacked in similar passions and goals.  As we had begun discussing marriage, I realized I wanted to have a long-term committed relationship in my life with someone who had goals more similar to mine.

One of the biggest problems with that relationship though, looking back, was that I was a terrible communicator.  For most of my life leading up to that point, and through that relationship, I'd gotten away with passive-aggressive communication (i.e.: sending messages through my behavior, instead of speaking up).  Because my boyfriend was a gentle person, I was afraid to hurt his feelings, so I just bottled up my emotions.  Incidentally, I didn't really ever explode at him (as far as I remember), but I did feel resentful and angry, and was a master at snide remarks and heavy sighs.

In this relationship, I was very seven of swords.  I kept my words and thoughts to myself, and eventually snuck away with them in the night.

When we broke up, I didn't change my ideas or thoughts about life or the relationship; I took them with me.  Packed up my swords and all of the resentment, anger and guilt that they'd created within me, and rode my boat to the other side of the river.  Six of swords.

Enter, about a year later, a new relationship.  In this one, I made sure to start it off with open communication - but communication that still carried the anger and resentment from before.  I was really, really verbally mean to this guy!  Part of what encouraged me, though, was that he seemed so totally unaffected by it.  I'd text him that he was a total dipshit, and he'd not respond but show up for our date that night like nothing had happened.  Then I'd turn up the volume and get meaner and angrier, and he'd shrug his shoulders and kiss me.  I became an abuser, a bully, and he was so totally indifferent to it, that it made me CRAZY.  He was dating another girl at the time ... and soon dumped me and married her.  In this relationship, I was five of swords.

So my experience was chronologically in reverse order, but the point is this: In these relationships, I experienced two sides of the same coin - terrible communication, superior thinking, anger and resentment.  In the middle was me riding my boat back and forth between the two extremes, and taking along the same tools (swords) that had previously failed me! 

I've looked back at these two relationships and seen how polar opposite they were, and yet how totally similar they were, and realized that in both of them I was not the person I want to be.  I let my thoughts and words (or lack thereof) create a cold, cruel sharpness between me and my lovers that made it impossible for good, authentic connection to happen.  I wonder sometimes if I regret it ... but upon close inspection, I don't, and am grateful in both cases that I had an opportunity to see scary sides of myself.  I pray, of course, that I didn't scar the guys too much.  :X

Next, I looked at other relationships in my life, and saw how I've done the same thing, over and over.  I hardly talked to my dad for 25 years, then came into his life and raged at him with my sharp thinking and cruel words in our business.  Basically the same thing with my mom, where I stayed quiet and passive-aggressively irritated until one day blowing up at her and calling it "open communication" ... but that was rage-filled (see THIS post for the story!).  I would take jobs and silently curse my managers, until I blew up and walked out because I thought they were all idiots... and on and on...

And the biggest, most revealing experience was when I saw that it was the same story with God.  I was either painfully demure and resentfully sacrificial, or tirading at him with anger and scorn.  I expected to be on my own for my needs (seven of swords), or required to give up everything (five of swords), and would resentfully take the boat ride back and forth between these things, my same-thinking swords riding in my boat with me.  One day, a few months back, I realize that I actually was terrified of and hated God, even though I'd lived my life so "piously".  It freaked me out, so I just got extra angry.  Bah!

So what's the solution to this nuttiness?

A Course in Miracles talks about right-mindedness, as opposed to wrong-mindedness, and how our entire experience depends on the swords in the boat.  Really, the five and seven of swords (victim/bully) syndrome are two sides of the same coin, and the key to overcoming them is in-between them: the six of swords.  What is happening in that boat that prevents me from getting to safer shores?  Answer: the swords that block my view of the destination.  In the case of the Dragon Tarot, it's that even on the boat I'm still reacting to the dragon in the air, who just drives me to another dragon.  

Back to the Course: thoughts don't go away, so it's not a matter of "rooting them out".  Swords don't go away, so it's not a matter throwing them off the boat - they don't go away!  It's about choosing how our thoughts (and words) will work for us, how they will create for us.

"Both miracles and fear come from thoughts."

- A Course in Miracles, Chapter 2, Section VII, pgph3.1

So how do I stop fear and choose miracles?  By deciding where on the boat I place my thoughts: in front of me, leading me; or behind me, following me.

As I said about those relationships in my life - I wasn't me.  My thoughts and words were anger, were superiority, were resentment - none of those things are ME!  (And they aren't YOU, by the way, either!)  The swords blocked my view, blocked me,  instead of me leading them, and using them as my tools.  

So here's how we overcome the interminably destructive flip-flip of cruel thinking and poor communication:

"You are much too tolerant of mind wandering, and are passively condoning your mind's miscreations.  The particular result does not matter, but the fundamental error does.  The correction is always the same.  Before you choose to do (say) anything, ask me (God) if your choice is in accord with mine.  If you are sure that it is, there will be no fear."

-A Course in Miracles, Chapter 2, Section VI, pgph4.6-10

Let me spell this out in my words:

1. We condone our anger, resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior by passively letting it take over our lives.  No choice is still a choice, and these attitudes will take over if left unchecked.
2. The result doesn't matter - whether you become victim (five of swords) or bully (seven of swords) doesn't matter.  Those are two sides of the same coin.
3. The fundamental error is what matters.  What's the fundamental error?  Putting your swords in front of you.  Leaving your thoughts unchecked.
4. What's the solution: um, checking your thoughts.  Pausing, taking the time to move the sharp swords of harsh words and thoughts behind you, and choosing your destination without them influencing your perspective.
5. Don't know how to do that?  Pause, and ask God how to put those swords behind you. 

I like that phrase, let me say it again: Choose your destination without unchecked thoughts and words influencing your perspective.  

In practice: "How am I going to respond to my boyfriend not meeting my expectations?"  Answer: What's the destination with this relationship?  Take the reactive thoughts and words out of it and ask: where do I want this to end?  Mutual respect?  Mutual understanding of and commitment to roles?  Yeah, that sounds good.  Now that I've chosen my destination, how do I use my thoughts and words to build mutual respect?  "Hey, Cute Boy, I know you love and care about me, some I'm going to let you know something that's on my mind..."

I think that any time we find ourselves in a five or seven of swords position, we want to hop in that boat, take some time and space, and take careful note of where we've placed the swords. Just jump out of the conversation, jump out of your train of thought and ask: am I in charge here, or have these thoughts and words taken over me?  I like this thought-exercise the Course recommends for stepping back into right-minded thinking - by making an internal...

"...statement of an open mind, not certain yet, but willing to be shown: 'Perhaps there is another way to look at this.  What can I lose by asking?'"

-A Course in Miracles, Chapter 30, Section I, pgph12.2-4 

"What if there's another way to see this?" we can ask ourselves.  "What if there's another place for these swords on my boat?"  "What can it hurt to consider?"

At the moment, I don't have huge success stories of overcoming this like I do in other posts.  Just lots of little ones.  Every few days it seems I start to stew with poor communication (and then feel guilty about it) and it seems that more and more I can cut off the thinking, set my destination, and the right words and ideas come to mind, and things work out beautifully.  I'm beginning to feel a shift of power in my life.  It's hard, and takes practice, but I'm working on it.  :)

Goddess Tarot

A final collection of cards from the Goddess Tarot to look at.  

• Victim - five of swords, kind of hard to see but the dude outside the window just cut her hair off
• Change of direction - six of swords
• Bully - seven of swords, this card shows the vanity of the Goddess Blodewedd of Wales and how she consumes men's lust then leaves them dead behind her on the ground.

Spiritual Memoir #7: Return of the Glorious Goddess Sisterhood

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Card: Three of Cups

(see pics in this post from various decks)

Radiant Rider Waite deck

My Interpretations of the Card
"Time to celebrate with the girls"

I pulled this card and almost giggled with glee ... it feels like these last few posts have been kind of heavy, and I was so ready for a happier, lighter tone.  So hooray for the three of cups - I *love* this card!

In the Rider Waite image, three women raise their cups in lighthearted celebration.  The women are different: a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head, and they wear different clothes in different styles and colors.  But they're all women.  I see this as diversity and differences among peers being celebrated - enhancing and beautifying the bond, instead of dissolving into competition or judgment.  The women are surrounded by/carrying fruits too - enjoying the harvest of their lives together.

Cups, of course, symbolize the element of water, and represent emotions and spirituality.  So this isn't about the women getting together to talk, but to connect.  Three is a number representing power and completeness (as in the Holy Trinity).  There is a total bonding here that results in powerful synergy, the whole adding up to more than the parts, and spirituality being pursued in a community celebration, not in solitary silence.  Did I say yet that I love this card!?!?  :)

Deviant Moon Tarot

Check out the imagery in the Deviant Moon tarot ... a bunch of crazy misfits, that keep from sinking by partying in the sharp-toothed mouth of a giant fish.  Hee hee.  (That deck is so crazy, I love it!)  The masks are coming off, the clothes are coming off - it's almost like they know they'll either drown in the sea or get eaten by the fish, so they might as well drink and be merry in the last minutes of their lives.  

But they're not going to die - this is only the three of cups ... they still have seven more steps ahead of them.  Really, the hopelessness of their situation is a catalyst for them to take off the masks and loosen up a little bit.

In summary, I think of this card as the "Sex and the City" card.  It's only three people instead of that magical foursome, but it's about getting together with your besties and saying "to hell with our problems!  Tonight we celebrate!"

Spiritual Memoir: Three of Cups

I've always been close to my sisters.  I have five sisters (and two brothers), and I'm the baby of the family.  As I've commented in other posts (like THIS one), I was to an extent raised by my sisters.  

The Goddess Sisterhood at the opening of our store
Left to Right: Me, Liberty, Crystal - 2008
Photo credit to Cathy Allred, more info HERE

My second oldest sister, Liberty, and my fourth oldest sister, Crystal, and I opened a new age/metaphysical shop together a few years back.  We have pretty much always shared a lot of beliefs, and having this store together fused our little trio into what we call the "Goddess Sisterhood." We worked together, shared all of the same friends, read books and taught classes together - it was a wonderful time.  When we sold the store, our trio dynamic started shifting to a clique of two with one third wheel, then it would shift to two different besties with someone else as the third wheel, and so on.  

About two years ago, Crystal and I were on a roll together, with Liberty being neglected, and we decided to make a conscious effort to keep her in the loop.  It didn't take too long that we were having a girl's night every Friday - it was our weekly celebration of the Goddess Sisterhood.  We'd drink boxed wine, eat Goddess ramen noodles (with garlic, cheese, sour cream, and cayenne pepper ... mmmm), and smoke on Liberty's back porch until two or three in the morning.  Sometimes we'd do tarot or psychic readings for each other, sometimes we'd talk to our dead brother Art through a Ouija board (and other hooligans), and sometimes we'd sing and dance in the back yard.  (The across-the-street neighbor, Victoria, was so tactful in expressing to us we were being a *wee* bit too loud... hee hee ... sweet Victoria).  Often, we just watched Lib do a LOT of yard work, while Crystal sang along to Flight of the Conchords using her phone's tiny speaker.  Ahh...those were the days!  It was fun, we were connected - we were the three of cups!  In fact, to this day, I call this card the "Goddess Sisterhood" card.

Then, Crystal started nursing school and got divorced.  She had new things going on in her life, between her new friends at school and entering the dating scene.  Liberty and I were excited about the changes in Crystal's life, but found we had less and less to talk about with her, because we shared so little in common.  Then, Liberty went back to school to study philosophy, and I was just finishing my studies in economics, and, believe it or not, we had more and more to talk about since our studies were so related.  Liberty and I grew even closer ... and Crystal ever more distant.

Golden Tarot

I'm going to be totally honest for this blog's sake: I really resented Crystal for this distance.  I judged her to be backsliding into conventional worldly being, as opposed to the uber-spiritual-truth-seekers that our Goddess Sisterhood was founded on.  I was mean to her, I'd yell at her, tell her she was screwing it all up, being less than her best self, and so on.  She put up with it for a while, then gradually stopped coming around.  At times, she'd tell me to shut up and get off my high horse.  That only fueled my anger more.  

After I went out to Columbia University last fall, my anger cooled off a little bit, and I figured a long-distance friendship would be good for us.  But it only stayed constructive for a short time.  I loved judging her too much.  When I came back from Columbia at Thanksgiving and moved home after Christmas, I made sure to see her, only to ream her with how badly she was screwing up (in my opinion).

I was like the three of cups card from the Golden Tarot deck: I was the "pure" maidens, acknowledging the fools on the street (Crystal), but really mocking and shutting them out.  It was so hard not to judge Crystal because I knew that she could be what I wanted her to be.  It's easy to not pass judgment on some stranger on the street, giving them the benefit of the doubt - but with someone so close to you it changes, becomes harder, more personal.  I talk all the time about how many of us "enlightened" folk say, "I forgive Hitler.  We didn't understand what circumstances he was raised in, and maybe he was sick in the head, and that's not his fault.  I can have compassion and don't judge him," ... but in the same breath we curse the woman buying food with food stamps while she talks on her expensive iPhone!  That traitorous bitch!  My point is that it's easy to say we forgive an abstract person/concept like Hitler; I think the measure of our enlightenment is in how we respond to the little, relatively insignificant annoyances in our lives, not the major genocides of the world.

Anyway, back to my story: about two months ago, like in February or March (2012), I was studying A Course in Miracles and realized I needed to forgive Crystal for being different than how she used to be and forgive myself for being bugged about it.  Expect no changes, hope for no changes, and just see how what I was feeling was purely and cruelly destructive.  I couldn't believe how hard that was to swallow!  

One night, a few weeks ago, right after my A Course in Miracles study group, Crystal's 5 year-old had a seizure, and was taken to Primary Children's Hospital for an overnight stay.  I offered to go up with her.  While we were at the hospital the next morning, I said to her, "Crystal, I think I'm done judging you.  I'm tired of it, and I know you are.  I don't care what you do with your life, or how you live it - I just want you to be around me again.  If you talk about stuff I don't care about, I'll listen for a while then tell you when I'm sick of it.  I hope you can understand that.  Aside from that, I hope you can forgive me for being such a bitch this past year."

Crystal and Me, 2010

She smiled and said, "Ok!  Sounds good to me."  And just like that, it was over...

Since then, I just don't have any desire to judge and condemn her.  I have, in fact, done several tarot readings, for myself and other members of my family, about interceding in her life and with her family to "offer help" (read: impose our judgments on her), and every time ... every time ... the tarot has come back saying "Stay out of it.  Let her live her life.  Your only role here is to love her and be her friend."  

Last week, I went and did readings at a party Crystal was throwing.  It was a blast.  This week, I went to her house and finally just hung out with her for like six hours.  It was a blast.  None of the things that annoyed me before have changed ... but I've changed.

The Goddess Sisterhood, the three of cups, has people that are different ... they're not all the same ... and that's OK!!  We can celebrate even with our differences.  We can be united even with the diversity.  The three of cups is about forgetting that we're about to sink or be eaten by a fish, and just pull off the masks, get vulnerable and sincere, and raise a glass with people we love - without asking them to change.  It can be fun.  It's ok for life to be fun.  And we can love people and see their excellence without feeling compelled to drag it out of them.  It goes back to Jesus talking about obsessing over the mote in another's eye.  Stop it!  (I'm saying that to you and to myself!  To all of us!)

Crystal - I love you, and you are perfect in my eyes.  I also trust you with your life - follow your heart wherever it leads you, and I'll stay out of the way.  Thank you for accepting my apologies so gracefully. **raises a glass**

How I decided I was a Hindu

This is the content of an email I sent to a friend of mine about how I came to declare Hinduism as my religion:

After leaving the LDS church, I decided to kind of informally make a list of everything I felt sure about, as far as spiritual beliefs go.  Here's a general summary of what I came up with after some soul-searching, reading a lot of books, and checking out some different spiritual paths:

• There is a greater power in the Universe that likes me a lot (loves me) and wants me to be happy.  We'll call this power "God" for the sake of simplicity.
• There is no such thing as sin.  God doesn't judge me or anyone else.  Everyone goes to heaven.
• We are innately good beings.  How we are raised - our environment - is what teaches us any unkind behaviors or attitudes.
• This life is stupid.  God doesn't condone, support, or really participate much in this world.  The most God is involved in, is warming our hearts and making us feel good.
• We are spiritually the same person, but different manifestations of it, and we are one with God.  Meaning, every person around me is me, and is God.  God is like the ocean, and each of us are drops of water that have come out of the ocean - but we're all still water, and we all still come from and belong to the ocean.  The ocean is composed of trillions of drops of water, and doesn't have a mind of its own, or a will of its own, but the combined forces of all of the drops of water make up "the ocean," or the combination of all of us make up "God."  Don't know if that makes sense.
• I believe in reincarnation.  I think we come back to this earth over and over again, and I have vague feelings/conceptions/memories of having been here before.  Returning to this world over and over is the only hell, and we can choose out of it by taking the paths of enlightenment, and eventually choosing to stay with God instead of returning here.
• Everything in this world is a symbol.  All religions carry God symbols, and are all useful tools for seeking God.  It isn't a question of right or wrong, good or bad, but of connected to God versus shut off from God.
• The purpose of life is to not come back to this life.  To be done.  To return to God.  We will always choose to be reborn, though, until we forgive ourselves for all of the dumb things we've done over the course of all of our lives, and are brave enough to face God.  Like the Prodigal Son, we're scared that "our Father" will judge us for screwing up and are scared to face him, but when we finally do, no matter what our screw-ups, he'll welcome us home and kill the fatted calf for us.  The only barrier between us and heaven is our own self-judgment and self-loathing.

I just remembered that I read a book that first got me thinking about all of this stuff.  It's a serious mind-fuck, but one of the greatest books I've ever read, and I totally believe it's true.  It's called "The Disappearance of the Universe," by Gary Renard.  I read it about 4 years ago.  It really fucked me up, in a good way, but don't read it if you don't want your world to be dumped on its head.  If you're looking for real answers though on what life is really all about, it's the only book I can recommend (for starters of course :).

That book is an intro to a book called, "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM).  ACIM is, I believe, written by Jesus and everything the Bible should be but isn't.  But it's hard to read at first, and really really hard to read without reading The Disappearance of the Universe first.  Here's the official summary of the whole book, which I love and want to get tattooed on my arm:

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God."

Then, about 2 years ago, I read a book called "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahansa Yogananda.  That's what sold me on Hinduism - everything I believed already was just casually and naturally talked about by Yogananda like it was no big deal, nothing new, just obvious facts.  The book is really fun, and Yogananda is just this super-sweet, silly, purehearted guy.  Love him to death, and I believe everything he says.

So here's the deal with Hinduism.  These days there are lots of sects of Hinduism (like there are different sects of Christianity), but my beliefs mesh with just traditional, non-sectarian, old-school, vanilla Hinduism.  Like the Krishna temple in Spanish Fork is way out of sync with vanilla Hinduism.  So not them.  

• All versions of "God" are just the great power of the Universe that we both are and have ceased to be.  All of the Gods they talk about in Hinduism (like Krishna, Shiva and Ganesha for example) are just symbols for the one true God which is us in our enlightened form.
• The purpose of life is to stop buying into the BS of this world and see through the illusions and remember who and what we are: God.  "Everything that can be seen is an illusion.  Only that which is not seen is real."
• There is no religion to practice, no rites that are necessary, no groups to join.  Just connect with God.  Do it through prayer, meditation, running - whatever you want.  (By the way, ACIM recommends finding others to study with, like a book club, but forbids the formation of any organization.  Everyone must find their own path to God.  Love it.)
• Love and kindness are the greatest powers of the Universe.
• There is no sin.  Just hard paths and easy paths.
• Jesus was just a great Yogi, as were Mohammed and Buddha.  Wise words should always be listened to and heeded.
• Reincarnation is a reset button to try again at life.  Hopefully we'll get it down this time.  The trick to getting out of the reincarnation life-cycle is to stop buying-in to the illusions of this world and remember who and what we are.
• Etc.

Here's a list of the 5 principles and 10 practices of Hinduism: http://hinduism.about.com/od/basics/a/principles.htm.

And that's it!  The good news is that despite my flaws and problems, I'm still an active Hindu.  Everyone gets to go at their own pace, find their own answers, and walk their own paths.  Real truth-seekers will always come to the same conclusions, and those who don't are just real truth-seekers in hibernation.  No worries, no judgments, no criticisms.

Now, doesn't that sound more like God?

Back again...but not sure if I want to be...

I just read some of my old posts in this blog.  I like them.  A lot.  In fact, I like ME in them.

Which brings me to my distress in posting to this blog again - I don't want to mar some good thinking and positive energy with negativity and sadness.  But alas, I'm going to, because I think it will be good for me.

A lot has changed in the something like 3 years since I started writing.  I am, in fact, definitely "more successful" now than I was when writing before.  But I don't feel that way.  I feel lost and icky.

Incidentally, as far as my success goes, I haven't followed wealth or power or found true love - but I have found a dream and followed it, and have had some successes along the way, including a fabulous opportunity to study under the greatest minds in my field (international aid and development).  So why-oh-why the sadness?

Lots of reasons, but instead of dredging up the past, I'm just going to focus from here forward.

Life stresses me out.  For some reason, I feel like a slave to life, instead of a creator or champion.  I feel like every choice I make ties me into 1,000 commitments that I don't want to be a part of.  I burn out so easily.

On the one hand, I hear accolades that I'm "amazing" and "taking on so much."  But inside I know that I'm not doing as much as others, as much as I probably could.  So what do I do with that?

I'm curious about others, especially those I really look up to and aspire to be like.  How did they get to be that way - so driven and focused and diligent?  Were they born that way?  Is it just because they're boys and I'm a girl (yes, all of my idols/heroes are boys)?  Is it because they're so much older than me (they're all 50+, or at least were at the time of their dawning greatness)?  Is it something I can learn with discipline?  Is it something I can learn without discipline?  Is it worth it to become that, or do they have, every day, the same feelings of "not enough" and "must do more" that I do?  And that's no way to live.  ... or is it?

I think I need to be more rigorous in my spiritual practices and studies.  I know that sounds like an obvious thing to "think" I need to do, lol.  A Course in Miracles is my book, and meditation is my practice.  Maybe yoga too.

So that's why I'm writing in this blog again.  I can't just do those things, I need an outlet for them.  And now I'm living in New York City and don't really have a soul-friend that I can sit on a porch with and drink wine with and share my spirituality with.  So this blog seems like a good outlet.

To be continued...