On Sin, Evil and the Existence of God

A friend of mine initiated a Facebook discussion about "sin" the other day.  I initially ignored the post, but today when I saw 73 comments on it, I was intrigued.  What were people saying about sin?

This particular friend of mine was raised LDS (Mormon), as I was, and recently decided to end her participation with the religion (as I did almost seven years ago).  I was curious to see what her Facebook audience looked like - how much of the commentary would come from her old world of religious conservatives, and how much would come from her newer world of airy-fairy hippies?  I read through all of the comments and noted there was about 50/50 of the two perspectives, which made the discussion lively, varied and interesting.

Also, as I read the comments, I found myself anxious to get involved in the conversation, because so much of it seemed like nonsense to me, and my inner zealot was dying to call belief systems out.  I did eventually post, and I'm pretty pleased with the thoughts I shared, but have found myself the rest of this evening fixating on the questions raised in the discussion.  So now you, dear readers, get to enjoy my diatribe of self-righteous thought.  Hooray!

What is sin?

Sin is generally understood to be a transgression against God's law.  This, of course presupposes the existence of a God, and that such a God has laws.  What are God's laws?  We don't get to know that, but we are expected to figure it out from old books that have gone through hundreds of translations at the hands of known oppressors.  People don't generally bother to figure that out, though, so they just trust random other people who say they know what God wants for them.

Does this God actually exist?  Again, we don't get to know that.  We're supposed to just trust that "he" does.  Which, of course, makes it seem very suspicious when we're told that this God is benevolent and likes us.  Why the wild goose chase for information that is crucial for our return to our "loving father?"  Why the mysterious absence of presence or evidence?  If I really love someone, I let them know how to get in touch with me and how to find me, and I don't set up tests and traps to see if they really want to find me.  I don't respond to them with a sense about me, I respond to them with communication they can clearly understand or by my presence.

Something is very amuck with this line of thinking.

So what is sin?  It's breaking a law you can't know that upsets someone un-upsettable that may or may not actually exist.  Basically, "sin" is nonsense.

I'll tell you what I think sin is.  I think sin is a human construct to control others through fear.  I think human beings over a long period of time found that their families and tribes worked best when people behaved in pro-social ways, and so leaders decided what behaviors were acceptable and unacceptable, and attributed this code of behavior to some unquestionable, unencounterable supernatural force, so that everyone in their tribe, family or society would stop asking questions and just behave as directed.

There's nothing innately wrong with these superstitious codes of behavior.  Survival of our species is contingent upon social structure - in order to survive, we must have social codes of behavior.  It is questionable, though, why a lie or superstition is necessary to instill social codes of behavior.

Most likely, the lies and superstition are necessary to justify the psychological impact "sin" has on human minds.  Sin makes us afraid.  Sin makes us believe that someone very powerful, whom we want to impress - God - is watching our every move and keeping a tally on our behaviors.  If we measure up to his demands - which we're told is inherently impossible - we have the privilege of being long-term friends with this powerful being.  If we don't measure up, we lose everything.  If we're sad and sorry that we don't measure up, this being may have mercy on us and let us come over for dinner anyway.  This being actually kind of sounds like an egomaniacal dick, come to think of it.

This construct of needing to please God is a scary thing to consider.  A lot is at stake.  What if I fuck it up?  Will he have mercy on me, pity me, and let me come around, or will he cut me off?  When human beings are afriad, they lose some of their power, and become controllable and psychologically malleable.  So if you're looking to control how someone thinks or behaves, it's a useful approach to scare the shit out of them.  That is what sin does.  Hooray.

Thus, sin is not only a man-made construct that scares people into submission and obedience, but a destructive one because it kills human independence of thought.  Social order is critical for our survival, but the expense of independence of thought is a much higher price to pay than is necessary.

Whatever - sin is real!  My conscience tells me so!

I'm going to start this section with an emphatic declaration that I don't really believe that humans have a conscience either.  How do you like that?

Humans are raised by other humans who, from birth, teach the rules of social behavior.  We use religion and other superstitions to do this, along with manners and language skills.  Since a human being cannot physically survive for many years without the help of another human being, these rules of social behavior become hard-coded into our minds at a very early age.  If I want to eat and stay warm, I have to depend on this female human I call mom.  I better follow her rules, or else she may eject me and I will die.  One of her rules is that I not harm and show affection and camaraderie to this male human called my brother.  And so on.  These are obviously not conscious thoughts, but subconscious ones.  The behaviors are adopted and become natural so quickly that we call them second-nature and instinctive.  That instinct is what I think our "conscience" is.

Human beings are also hard-wired for social, tribal interaction in general.  So our minds and feelings will generally direct us in behaviors that serve the tribe we identify with, even at the expense of other tribes, because we need our tribe to survive.  Prosocial wiring is another of these natural instincts that make up our "conscience."  I don't think there is anything mystical or magical about this, and there is no divine decree that sings in our hearts to make us feel or do things that are prosocial.  I think it is biological and evolutionary.

But what about evil?  Some deeds, some people, some ideas are simply evil!

Again, I'll start this section stating my belief that there is no such thing as evil.  "Evil" is a boogeyman that we are taught to fear so that we remember to behave pro-socially.  It isn't necessary, though, because we are already hard-wired to behave pro-socially, and taught the nuances of our particular communities' pro-social rules by our tribes.

Evil actions or ideas seem to stem from poor pro-social training by a tribe.  If a community does not adequately impress upon an individual the meaningfulness and benefits that come from belonging to a cohesive social unit, an individual may decide upon becoming relatively independent that they do not need a tribe.  And so their decisions and actions are based solely on their own best interest.

Most often, in these situations, the individual has been traumatized or damaged by their tribe or some member(s) of it.  Therefore, their best interest is interpreted as inhibiting, punishing or destroying the offending tribe or member(s).  If their efforts are successful, it is tagged in their brain that such behaviors and tactics are important for their survival, and they begin forming habits of returning to those behaviors and tactics.

The majority of actions deemed evil are antisocial behaviors, and specifically ones that infringe on other people's pursuits in meeting their needs.  Therefore, no dark force has entered a person's soul or mind and is tempting them for wickedness, that person has simply either voluntarily or involuntarily become antisocial.  They have turned on their tribe,  and that offends pro-social humans.

There is no need to tie this information to God or God's Law or any other superstition.  It makes sense on its own without resorting to fear tactics.

So what, if there's no good or evil, and no sin, what's to stop us from all becoming mass-murdering rapists?

You may note that there are statistically very few mass-murdering rapists in the world.  The majority of them were exposed in childhood to long-term antisocial tribes and persons, or have chemical or neurological imbalances in their bodies.  And, you may also note, that there are statistically significant populations of athiests and agnostics that are no more antisocial in their behaviors than religious folk.  In fact, a large number of wars, hate behaviors, and other antisocial activities are directly caused by the name of God.

What stops us from becoming mass-murdering rapists is our natural craving for social participation.  I don't kill people, or generally steal or lie to them, because if I did it would affect my standing in my tribe and community.  That alone is reason enough for me to refrain from it.  I also have no personal needs that would be fulfilled by engaging in those behaviors, so they don't interest me.  When other people engage in those behaviors, I am outraged about it because it affects the climate of my tribe, and I want my tribe to be a place of security.  If my social group allows one person to destroy a human life, for example, my life suddenly becomes threatened.  I am not ok with that.

Human beings are also generally empathetic, meaning they can project themselves with imagination into another person's situation and ascertain how the other person may be feeling.  When we exercise empathy, we generally ask ourselves, "How would I like to feel what I imagine that person is feeling?"  If we do not want to feel what they are likely feeling, we sense a danger to our own well-being and happiness and demand restitution for that person.

None of this requires superstitious belief.  The vast majority of human beings either act with empathy, self-preservation, and social-preservation instincts naturally, and the majority of those who don't have them naturally are taught how to by pro-social training in their childhood.  Some people fall through the cracks, or turn to antisocial behavior because of traumatic experiences.  The trick to encouraging pro-social behavior in these people is to convince them that being part of a society or tribe is freaking awesome.  That is done by being pro-social towards them and superceding any antisocial beliefs or past traumas with fresh new experiences of beneficial social inclusion.

We, as a society, are responsible for all antisocial behavior, because we, as a society, have not convinced individuals that being pro-social is worth it.  Human beings need very little love, acceptance, forgiveness and teamwork to feel like belonging to a society kicks ass.  If they haven't experienced that, something has gone very wrong with all of us.  This isn't something we can just write off as "evil" - it's something we must actively fix to keep our magical little micro-cultures intact.  We must "sell" society to each person that enters it, so they lovingly bless it with their participation and cooperation, and also get the massive benefits in return.

This basically sounds like you're arriving at the same ends as most religious belief/teaching, so why the hostility when we're all working towards the same goal?

My hostility towards sin, evil, God and other general religious tenets is tied to the antisocial behavior of scaring the shit out of people through fear-based constructs.  I lived many years in careful fear of God and his law, and it did a great job of programming my mind for guilt, self-deprication and hate towards everyone and everything in life.  I am still working to reprogram my mind, belief systems and instincts towards hopefulness and enjoyment instead of fearfulness, competition and quiet resentment.

Religious institutions are generally antisocial because they demand submission and obedience, which is social programming that denigrates the individuals that make up the society.  "Obey God's law or he'll cut you off" is pure scariness for human beings, and scared human beings do not a happy healthy society make.  (And please note that phrasing it more kindly like "God blesses the obedient" does not remove the message that one is constantly at risk of disappointing the one mysteriously absent being who can save them.)

Also, drawing a hard, fast line between "good" and "evil" draws a hard, fast line between members of a tribe or society who are socially compatible despite their differences, but religiously segregated into holy and unholy camps.  Divisions  destroy societies; unity, empathy and compassion feed the human spirit and by extension the tribes that we naturally live in.  Fear literally makes people crazy; acceptance makes them cooperative.  Why control people when they're perfectly willing to cooperate!?!

Who are you to argue like this, when your blog talks about God and your own "superstitious" beliefs all of the time?!

This is a good question.  I doubt my superstitious beliefs all of the time - which is the only reason I'm willing to have them.  Right now I'm going through a non-superstitious period.  It's nice that my beliefs don't require that I be loyal to them, I get to question them and put them through the ringer whenever I want to.  This is likely because my beliefs are not tied to an institution, I live on a daily cafeteria-plan.  I don't serve my beliefs, they serve me.

You may be surprised to read, at this point, that I actually do believe in a God ... of sorts.  Not like any Judeo-Christian man-god, my God is abstract nothingness that has no opinion of my actions or behaviors - or anyone else's - and supports my decisionmaking with unconditional love and acceptance.  I can do anything and my God wouldn't be disillusioned with me one iota.  I generally choose to not engage in antisocial behavior not because I need God's approval (I don't and I have it anyways), but to get approval from my fellow embodied human friends and family and society.  I don't resent my fellow humans for asking me to be pro-social in my behavior, because I like living in a society.  I like having a family and a tribe.  I don't actually see any tradeoff happening, because most antisocial behavior is totally disinteresting, and prosocial behavior has massive payoffs. 

I wish everyone felt like being pro-social was win-win.  Instead we are taught - we are actually TOLD - that it is a SACRIFICE!  And so we believe that we're doing the world a favor by being nice or friendly or helpful, and that our reward will only come from God in some afterlife.  That's so stupid!  Society pays its own rewards and bountifully!  If you don't already realize it, having a loving dysfunctional family, a passionate love-hate romantic relationship, a circle of friends that make any task joyful and simultaneously make us absolutely annoyed - those things are the Kingdom of Heaven.  We don't have to be perfect for these people - they like us anyway!  And we secretly adore their flaws!  They help us, and they love us, and we get to love them because they need us as much as we need them.  We get our fun fixes, our drama fixes, our moments of terror and our moments of world-shattering love from them - that's everything folks!  There's nothing more out there to experience or have.  We get the full gamut from the people already around us.

So be pro-social.  Love your society.  Realize how obsessed you are with belonging here (because you really are totally obsessed with it, as am I), and embrace your healthy obsession instead of resenting and fearing it.  Stop giving power to oppressive ideas like sin or evil - those ideas are intended to conquer and control you.  You don't need to be conquered or controlled because you are a willing member of society.

And finally, stop attributing the problems in our society to some secret dark force.  We are the problem and we are the solution.  Feel strongly inclined towards antisocial behavior?  Get a therapist and figure out where you were wronged, what misinformation you were fed, and start looking for tribes and friends that will pay out the social trust fund that you're entitled to.  Worried about a friend or relative who exhibits antisocial tendencies?  SELL THEM ON SOCIETY.  Make them feel how amazing it is to be loved, accepted and contributing.  Help them find friends that they actually connect with and feel they get a social payout with.

And that's all, I think.

--steps off soapbox--

Spritual Memoir #10: The Winter of my Mormon Mission

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite deck

Tarot Card: The Hermit

Card number 9 of the Major Arcana of the tarot. 
(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card

"Sometimes the path is to stand outside in the cold and hold up our light, unwavering and unafraid..."

Aha!  Ask and ye shall receive ... I've been wanting to do a Major Arcana card, and mentioned this desire in my last Spiritual Memoir post, and I got it on my very next draw.  Hooray!  Plus, I love the Hermit card!  It's one that I can really relate to (because I'm really a bearded old man ... well, maybe on the inside... :) .

The Hermit has a traditional meaning of seeking truth by taking time in solitude and asking oneself the "hard" questions.  I love that meaning, but today, I'm seeing a different angle for him.  As I look at these Hermit cards I have posted in the blog, I get a sense of the silent drudgery that is sometimes the path for truth-seekers.  Sometimes it's magic and sparkles and dramatic senses of connection and power ... but often, as we are on the path of learning about ourselves and mastering our lives, we stand outside, in the cold, alone, holding up the lamps of truth that only gently light the way. And, the tarot teaches us, that is a relevant and powerful part of the experience.

I love the Hermit card from the Tarot of the Magical Forest (below).  I love the bear - I love the symbolism of the bear fattening up so it can go hibernate in its cave.  But I can't help but wonder why he isn't in his cave yet?  Has he not found it, or is he intentionally weathering the winter without turning his brain off during hibernation?  I get the impression he's deliberately stepping outside of normal bear-ness, and standing in his greater truth: "My mind will stay on, my eyes will stay open, and I will consciously weather this storm."  

Tarot of the Magical Forest deck

In general, in the tarot, nine cards represent solitary ventures, and being with oneself.  Both the nine of cups and the nine of pentacles show individual, independent success; the nines of swords and wands depict individual torment.  True to form, the Hermit as card #9 of the Major Arcana represents the Mother of individual quests: that of facing the dark, cold night in solitude, but with the light of truth ever flickering in hope and subtle warmth.

Spiritual Memoir: The Hermit
As I've stated in previous posts, like THIS one, I never wanted to serve a "mission" for the LDS (Mormon) Church, but did, because I didn't know what else to do with my life.  This memoir will tell you a little about the invaluable experience I had during those challenging 18 months, and how feeling totally isolated and alone in a spiritual and emotional winterland gave me a powerful Hermit experience.

To start, I want to make it totally clear that my experience as a missionary was completely atypical!  Almost every other person I've talked to that served missions scratch their head in amazement at how unusual my experience was from the start.  If you don't know what a Mormon missionary is, THIS LINK will give you a quick rundown.  I went to Santiago, Chile for my mission.  Note, that as a missionary, I spent 18 months with every second of every day dictated to me of how I could dress, who I could and could not talk to, what I could read or listen to, when to wake up and go to bed, etc.  

For some reason, I had the understanding that on my mission, I would basically be hanging out with non-participatory members of the Church only, working to entice them to engage back into a "Mormon" lifestyle.  I had no idea that I was expected to approach strangers on the street and ask them if I could come into their home and teach them my religion.  (I thought that girls didn't "proselytize").  Upon entering the Missionary Training Center, both of my teachers were off of work - one was on her honeymoon, and the other injured his knee.  Since I already spoke Spanish, I was basically there just to learn "how to be a missionary", but without teachers, my little class just sat around and drew Ninja Turtles on the white board for three weeks.  

When I arrived in Chile, I was assigned a Uruguayan companion (whom I had to spend 24/7 with and whose side I could not leave under any circumstances) who did not speak any English, and whose culture was very different from mine.  She told me the first day that we were going to walk up to some guy on the street, engage him in conversation, and ask if he we could come to his house and teach him our religion - and that it was my turn to talk, I had to do the whole thing with her standing silently by my side.  

"No," I said resolutely.  "Absolutely not - I'm an introvert, I don't walk up to random people and talk to them." 

She laughed.  "You'll be doing it every day for the next 18 months.  We have to make 20 street contacts a day between us," she replied.  

"Um, no," I responded.  After a few days of being told by the entire missionary system that my refusal to make street contacts was totally unacceptable (especially in the eyes of God), I prayed for help and started making street contacts.  Each and every time I made one, a little part inside of me died.

Crystal Visions Tarot

Enter my desperate, lonely journey into the cold wilderness of the Hermit.  

After six weeks I was moved to a different part of town, and had a new companion.  To this day we are the best of friends.  It helped to have my constant companion be someone who understood my background and culture.  We still obeyed all of the rules and took our work seriously, and it was heaven to be in the presence of such an awesome person (I LOVE YOU KATIE), and I prayed and prayed and fasted and worked with faith to have some type of understanding of why I hated everything about being a missionary (they say that God will open your heart and give you peace if you do stuff like this).  Nothing happened, and when Katie and I were separated, a bigger chunk of me died inside.

For a year of my mission, I pushed and tried and "let go" and obeyed, obeyed, obeyed.  Every time we invited a person to be baptized a member of the Church and they said no, I exhaled a sigh of relief - I felt like the church just complicated the already challenging lives of the good people we taught.  For a year I wandered in the dark cold wilderness of the Hermit, completely alone, and without any light (meaning: I didn't have the little lamp yet).  In fact, it felt like all others had gone into a safe cave to hibernate, and I couldn't sleep, and found myself completely alone and awake in the dark cave.  After a year, I was assigned to train a new missionary as my companion, a sweet gal from Peru.  In this case, I was supposed to be the strong one, insisting she make the street contacts.  She was afraid to, totally understandably.  But with the responsibility of pushing her falling on my soldiers, I had an emotional breakdown.  I began to have extreme social anxiety, and every day would just wander the streets with her in silence, trying to hold in my tears.  We'd go home for lunch, and I'd tell her I was going to pray in the bedroom, and just bury my face on my bed and sob for as long as I could get away with.

I talked to the Mission authorities, and they said, "Pray more, testify more, have more faith!"  So I did.  And nothing happened.  I never entered peaceful hibernation like the others, I never felt myself safe in the hands of God.  I was aware of my hunger and the painful loneliness of sitting in the dark cave.

Then, one day, while I was studying the scriptural canon of the church, I was praying for anything from God, any word of help/advice, and I flipped open my scriptures, pointed at a random verse and read the LDS scripture of Doctrine and Covenants 124:49.  It reads:

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings."

A bell went off in my head, and I felt the warm loving presence of God in my life.  It was like a warm, glowing lantern appeared in the cave for me.  It couldn't be!  Could my answer come in the form of a light (and not hibernation)?  What was I thinking!?!?  So I picked up a Church magazine that had a General Conference talk (or messages from Church leadership) on missionary work.  I was going to read the talk to pep myself up.  I flipped it open, and the first thing my eyes landed on was a sentence by Gordon B. Hinckley, then President of the Church that said:

"...I wish to say that the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve are united in saying to our young sisters that they are not under obligation to go on missions...."

I distinctly remember the quote being from a recent conference talk, but as I am researching it for this blog post, it looks like the quote is from 1997 (I was in Chile in 2004-2006).  So I don't know what that's all about.  But this is definitely the quote, because it goes on:

"We do not ask the young women to consider a mission as an essential part of their life's program. Over a period of many years, we have held the age level higher for them in an effort to keep the number going relatively small. Again to the sisters I say that you will be as highly respected, you will be considered as being as much in the line of duty, your efforts will be as acceptable to the Lord and to the Church whether you go on a mission or do not go on a mission." 

--"Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service"
Gordon B. Hinckley, 1997 October General Conference, full article HERE

Maybe what I read was a different talk that said the same thing - I'm surprised this isn't matching up like I thought it would (time-wise).  Anyway...  The next day I was allowed to check my email for messages from my family, and my mom, who is SUPER-DE-DUPER Mormon and pro-mission had written me a message along the lines of, "Honey, I'm worried that you are beginning to destabilize.  I want you to know if that if you decide to come home from your mission early, I'm totally ok with it - I want you to be happy and healthy, and it seems like you're deteriorating into a dangerous space."

Ok, three witnesses.  Three separate cases of me getting the message to GO HOME.  In the Scriptures it says messages from God come from the mouth of two or three witnesses - my prayers had been answered!  I went to my Mission President with the story.  This amazing man listened to my story and replied, "I can't argue with spiritual confirmations like that - let's get this ball rolling for you."  Yes!  Finally!  I felt like I'd taken up the lantern, and left the cave, and was going to brave the cold winter winds with my little light, and find my way to springtime and warmth.

Soon after, he contacted me and said protocol requires I see the mission psychologist.  

Dr. Hurst asked on our first meeting, "What is the problem?"  

"I think I'm not supposed to be here.  I haven't felt the 'spirit of God' since I got here, I hate everything about it - I think it's a big mistake.  I've been 100% obedient and pray every day asking for emotional/spiritual support ... and I feel worse and worse, like a sense of foreboding.  So I work harder, testify more, read more, sacrifice more, and I feel darker and deader inside.  Then, I got these answers that told me to go home.  I think I need to go home."

He didn't know how to respond to that, so he referred me to his boss.

I did telephone conferences with the head missionary psychologist in Salt Lake City, who informed me that I most likely needed to repent of a sexual sin that I was still holding on to.  That was hilarious to me, because I had my first kiss when I was 18, and after a six-month relationship where I lived in Ohio and he lived in Utah the whole time, and absolutely no sexual anything in our relationship, I had never even dated anyone again.  "You're barking up the wrong tree," I told the guy.  "I'm purer than Mother Mary."

My whole life I've had a tendency towards depression (never at that point medicated), but when I took a psychological profile test thing, I tested only 4% for depression - I didn't feel depressed so that made sense.  They put me on anti-depressants anyway though, because it would probably fix whatever it was inside my soul telling me to GET.OUT.  Um ... ?!?!?!

I was still in the wintery wilderness, I was still alone in my mind 99% of the time, cold and desperate and sad ... but I had my lantern.  And the lantern of God's gentle reassurance and love still glowed.  Nothing was putting it out.

All of this took about two months, and I finally started refusing to go out into the streets anymore.  They put me with several different companions, ranging from a senior couple (whom I LOVED) and another young girl missionary like myself who had health problems and couldn't proselytize for that reason (whom I LOVED).  But as time wore on, there was pressure from somewhere (Salt Lake, the Area Presidency?  I don't know from where) to get me back on the streets.

Finally, I told my Mission President that I was going home.  Period.  He told me that he'd arrange it, but as part of protocol, I need to meet with the Area Presidency for an "exit interview."

I met with Elder Carl Pratt.  I told him the same story, glowing in my delight at getting an answer, and feeling peaceful about God finally answering my prayers in a most unexpected way.  Everything was going to be ok - it was all happening for a reason!

Elder Pratt looked at me and said, "I don't know who you think you are, but this story is approaching blasphemy.  A Prophet of God called you to serve 18 months, to proselytize for 18 months.  Get.back.out.on.the.streets."

I was stunned.  "I can't!" I whispered with tears welling up in my eyes.  "I ... I can't!"

"You can and you will.  Stop this nonsense."

"But ... what about my spiritual confirmations?  What about everything I've been feeling and these physical manifestations of God's voice coming to me, through the scriptures and the voice of the Prophet's talk and my mom...?"

He cut me off.  "True spiritual revelation never contradicts what your Priesthood leaders tell you.  I am your Priesthood leader and I say get back out on the streets and do your work.  If you go home now, it will be a dishonorable release.  There is no back door here.  Get back out on the streets."  He excused me from the meeting.

I rushed back to my Mission President and told him everything.  The poor guy was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  He couldn't contradict his superior in the Church, but he also knew he couldn't put me back out on the streets.

I stood strong, in the harsh cold weather, holding fast to my lantern.  I knew what I knew.  And all that was happening was that the cold winds and icy snow were revealing themselves to me as cold and heartless and icy, as compared to the warmth and light of my lantern.

A few days later, my Mission President told me there was an opening in a PR missionary position at Chile's Church Headquarters, and because of my education in marketing he might be able to get me transferred over to the position.  He fought hard for me, and finally Elder Pratt said if I hit all of my numbers for street contacts and lessons being taught for a week - if I went back out on the streets for a week, he'd let me transfer over.  My sweet companion took charge and did all of the work for a week to make sure we hit our numbers.  I was transferred, and worked the last 4 months of my mission in a position that I enjoyed (though I did see a lot of the ugly underbelly of a bureaucratic, man-led religious institution).

In January 2006, I returned home honorably from my mission.  I stayed active in the Church for another six months, and even worked at Church World Headquarters in Utah for a few months, trying to stay loyal to and optimistic about the institution.  But when I realized that spring was popping up in the world around me, and this institution was holding me in a cold, brutal winter, I followed my inner lantern's guidance to the warmth of personal connection to the Divine.

For a few years, I was really bitter about my mission.  Today, I still see how it was a cold and cruel period in my life, but that it was the perfect opportunity for me to see the contrast between the cold silence of institutionalized spirituality and the warm lantern of a personal connection with Divine Source.  It opened my eyes and experience in a way that nothing else ever could.  I, standing completely alone, completely vulnerable, found and held my own light.

Spiritual Memoir #4: Leaving the LDS Church

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir 

blog series see THIS post.

Radiant Rider Waite Deck

Tarot Card: Eight of Cups
(See pics in this post from various decks) 

My Interpretations of the Card
"I seek love without boundaries, and freedom from codependency"

A lonely traveler walks away in the night from his eight shiny, stacked chalices.  Why does he walk away, and at night - is he sneaking away?  Why leave at all?  The moon witnesses the event with serene neutrality.

Eight is a number that represents creativity and infinity.  The spider has eight legs, and weaves infinite webs of power and wisdom.  The number eight is simply the same symbol as infinity.  Two, eternal circles are joined together to form an eight, so it is a number of joining and uniting.  Cups represent emotions and relationships.  So the eight of cups would represent an infinite and creative aspect of emotional connection...

So .. why is the card depicting something that looks like abandonment?

In the tarot's Minor Arcana, for some reason, the eight cards all look to me like the big, eternal challenge for each suit.  For the eight of cups, I feel like the card speaks of the infinite challenge with emotions and relationships of preventing codependency.  In relationships, and with emotions, it's healthy to take regular breaks, even if things are going perfectly well without them.  It goes back to the old adage  "If you love something let it go; if it loves you it will come back."  (Or something like that).  The counter-intuitive key to eternal relationships is avoiding codependency, to neutralizing the strong feelings every now and then.  I like how the Fantastical Creatures deck looks like some spirit-ladies are passing the cups around, like this flurried whirlwind of emotion.  To me, it looks like emotions are healthiest and most powerful when in motion.  Emotion.  Not stagnant, stuck or "committed" - but fluid, honest and trusting.

Fantastical Creatures Tarot

Also, the greatest love is self-love.  When people truly love themselves, they will automatically experience compassion and respect for others - because the greatness and weakness of others are not threatening, since self-love is the ultimate reassurance.  I feel like the eight of cups also carries an energy of putting oneself first, even if it means leaving behind a perfectly good relationship.  Maybe I'll post about this in a future blog, but I once had a perfectly good relationship that simply didn't feel challenging and fulfilling, so I left it.  Today's post will tell a different story ... :)

Spiritual Memoir: Eight of Cups

I served a Mormon (LDS) mission when I was 21-23 years old.  I lived in Chile for 18 months, and spent every waking minute of every day under a regimented schedule to make me a lean, mean, bible-(bookofmormon)-thumping machine.  We'd just walk the streets all day and ask people if we could come to their houses and teach them about our church.  It was pure hell for me.

I never wanted to serve a mission.  In fact, when I was 18 and my boyfriend decided to go on a mission, I literally said to him in these very words, "If that's what you want, dude.  I would never do it.  If God descended out of heaven and commanded me to serve a mission, I still wouldn't do it."  Then three years later I did.

I decided to serve a mission because I had just graduated from college and had no interest in getting a job or starting a career.  I didn't have any prospects for marriage ... so ... I didn't know what else to do with my time.  "I'll give my life to God for 18 months, and He'll show me the way from there!" I concluded.  Since a mission was the last thing I wanted to do, I figured it would be the ultimate way to connect to God - making a big sacrifice.

It was hell.  It was a terrible idea.

I finished my mission, went home and still had no idea what to do with my life.  Worse, though, I'd spent the last 18 months studying and preaching Mormonism (which I had been raised in), and became pretty certain that the religion had nothing whatsoever to do with the man Jesus, or any of his teachings, and I had way too much exposure to "higher ups" in the religion who were just mean and grouchy old men.

But I couldn't just leave Mormonism.  I lived in Utah, I had a mostly Mormon family, all of my friends and acquaintances were Mormon, and to boot I'd just spent 18 months of my life forging relationships with people based on this religion.  I'd just spent 18 months of my life sacrificed to this religion.  So I kept going to church, obeying all of the rules, and telling myself it would get better.  It didn't.

Maybe it was Utah?  So I moved to California with my friend, and tried going to church out there.  There's this belief in Mormon culture that Utah Mormons are different from other Mormons, and that if you leave the nest you'll find more dedicated and friendly peers.  I didn't.  Institute (religion classes for young adults) was painful, and I kept getting in fights with people.  Church was nightmarish, because asking the "hard questions" landed me in interviews with the local leaders who thought my asking questions was a sign of guilt for disobedience.  So I moved back home to Utah.

I attended a self-empowerment training with some of my family members, which really encouraged me to get honest with myself, and then be honest with the world.  I realized that I wanted God in my life desperately, but that it felt like the religion was getting in the way; but the religion taught that it was my only path to God, so to discard it would put me in a hopeless situation.  What to do, what to do?

Tarot of Dreams

One day, I made my decision.  I said a little prayer: "God, I'm looking for You, and I'm not seeing You.  And I feel like the signal's getting fuzzy because of this religion.  So I'm going to step away from it for a while.  If I don't feel better after leaving, I'll go back.  I hope You can understand, though, that this isn't me walking away from You, even though it is walking away from the only thing I've ever been told represents You."  God had to understand, right?  I mean, I had to know if the institution and dogma were getting in the way of a true relationship with Him/Her/It.  I like this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's website: "Put your foot down on one side or the other, swing the opposite leg over and start walking.  You'll know before you take ten steps if you're going in the right direction."

I was scared, though, because I'd been told that if I stepped out of the church, it would be a long, hard road to get back in, and that I would experience so much guilt and lack and regret for leaving, I would definitely want to get back in - better to never leave and keep it simple.

*GULP*

So I looked at the eight shiny cups, the only source of access to the Divine that I'd ever known, turned, and walked away.  I showed my love for God by walking away from religion.  It seemed counterintuitive, but it actually made perfect sense.  I like the eight of cups in the Tarot of Dreams deck.  On the ground are eight shiny goblets, beautifully arranged.  They're fancy and classy and very appealing.  But the spirit in the card leaves those goblets behind and chooses instead the eight goblets that provide a pathway for higher knowing.  These "stairway" cups are not as fancy, and even a little cold ... but they provide an opportunity, not just a status.  Of course, they lead to the moon, that astronomical body that represents intuition, mystery and forbidden journeys.

Yes, I took a forbidden journey.  I took a different path.  And I walked away from eight neatly stacked cups that represented cultural acceptance, my parent's pride, "righteousness", and myriad other comforting, but codependent things.  The stacked cups of the Rider Waite deck represent to me the institutionalization of emotion and relationships.  Notice that the man leaves the institution behind, but actually comes upon a lake of free flowing water.  Who needs 8 cups when there's a lake at your disposal?!?  Instead of simply drinking the water provided in the cups, the man can bathe, fish and drown himself to his heart's content!  His access to water (spirituality) has become unconditional and unbound.

It's been six years now since I left.  Every single day, I have felt that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.  And since then, I still get only approving winks from God ... but I get them more often.

How I decided I was a Hindu

This is the content of an email I sent to a friend of mine about how I came to declare Hinduism as my religion:

After leaving the LDS church, I decided to kind of informally make a list of everything I felt sure about, as far as spiritual beliefs go.  Here's a general summary of what I came up with after some soul-searching, reading a lot of books, and checking out some different spiritual paths:

• There is a greater power in the Universe that likes me a lot (loves me) and wants me to be happy.  We'll call this power "God" for the sake of simplicity.
• There is no such thing as sin.  God doesn't judge me or anyone else.  Everyone goes to heaven.
• We are innately good beings.  How we are raised - our environment - is what teaches us any unkind behaviors or attitudes.
• This life is stupid.  God doesn't condone, support, or really participate much in this world.  The most God is involved in, is warming our hearts and making us feel good.
• We are spiritually the same person, but different manifestations of it, and we are one with God.  Meaning, every person around me is me, and is God.  God is like the ocean, and each of us are drops of water that have come out of the ocean - but we're all still water, and we all still come from and belong to the ocean.  The ocean is composed of trillions of drops of water, and doesn't have a mind of its own, or a will of its own, but the combined forces of all of the drops of water make up "the ocean," or the combination of all of us make up "God."  Don't know if that makes sense.
• I believe in reincarnation.  I think we come back to this earth over and over again, and I have vague feelings/conceptions/memories of having been here before.  Returning to this world over and over is the only hell, and we can choose out of it by taking the paths of enlightenment, and eventually choosing to stay with God instead of returning here.
• Everything in this world is a symbol.  All religions carry God symbols, and are all useful tools for seeking God.  It isn't a question of right or wrong, good or bad, but of connected to God versus shut off from God.
• The purpose of life is to not come back to this life.  To be done.  To return to God.  We will always choose to be reborn, though, until we forgive ourselves for all of the dumb things we've done over the course of all of our lives, and are brave enough to face God.  Like the Prodigal Son, we're scared that "our Father" will judge us for screwing up and are scared to face him, but when we finally do, no matter what our screw-ups, he'll welcome us home and kill the fatted calf for us.  The only barrier between us and heaven is our own self-judgment and self-loathing.

I just remembered that I read a book that first got me thinking about all of this stuff.  It's a serious mind-fuck, but one of the greatest books I've ever read, and I totally believe it's true.  It's called "The Disappearance of the Universe," by Gary Renard.  I read it about 4 years ago.  It really fucked me up, in a good way, but don't read it if you don't want your world to be dumped on its head.  If you're looking for real answers though on what life is really all about, it's the only book I can recommend (for starters of course :).

That book is an intro to a book called, "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM).  ACIM is, I believe, written by Jesus and everything the Bible should be but isn't.  But it's hard to read at first, and really really hard to read without reading The Disappearance of the Universe first.  Here's the official summary of the whole book, which I love and want to get tattooed on my arm:

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God."

Then, about 2 years ago, I read a book called "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramahansa Yogananda.  That's what sold me on Hinduism - everything I believed already was just casually and naturally talked about by Yogananda like it was no big deal, nothing new, just obvious facts.  The book is really fun, and Yogananda is just this super-sweet, silly, purehearted guy.  Love him to death, and I believe everything he says.

So here's the deal with Hinduism.  These days there are lots of sects of Hinduism (like there are different sects of Christianity), but my beliefs mesh with just traditional, non-sectarian, old-school, vanilla Hinduism.  Like the Krishna temple in Spanish Fork is way out of sync with vanilla Hinduism.  So not them.  

• All versions of "God" are just the great power of the Universe that we both are and have ceased to be.  All of the Gods they talk about in Hinduism (like Krishna, Shiva and Ganesha for example) are just symbols for the one true God which is us in our enlightened form.
• The purpose of life is to stop buying into the BS of this world and see through the illusions and remember who and what we are: God.  "Everything that can be seen is an illusion.  Only that which is not seen is real."
• There is no religion to practice, no rites that are necessary, no groups to join.  Just connect with God.  Do it through prayer, meditation, running - whatever you want.  (By the way, ACIM recommends finding others to study with, like a book club, but forbids the formation of any organization.  Everyone must find their own path to God.  Love it.)
• Love and kindness are the greatest powers of the Universe.
• There is no sin.  Just hard paths and easy paths.
• Jesus was just a great Yogi, as were Mohammed and Buddha.  Wise words should always be listened to and heeded.
• Reincarnation is a reset button to try again at life.  Hopefully we'll get it down this time.  The trick to getting out of the reincarnation life-cycle is to stop buying-in to the illusions of this world and remember who and what we are.
• Etc.

Here's a list of the 5 principles and 10 practices of Hinduism: http://hinduism.about.com/od/basics/a/principles.htm.

And that's it!  The good news is that despite my flaws and problems, I'm still an active Hindu.  Everyone gets to go at their own pace, find their own answers, and walk their own paths.  Real truth-seekers will always come to the same conclusions, and those who don't are just real truth-seekers in hibernation.  No worries, no judgments, no criticisms.

Now, doesn't that sound more like God?

Adam and Eve - bringing shadow to LIFE!

Genesis 3: 1-7


1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
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2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden;

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the Garden, God hast said: Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall surely not die;

5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

7 And the eyes of them both were opened ...

(Source - The Holy Bible, King James Version)


It's long been wondered what really happened in the Garden of Eden. What it really means. In fact, even the Rider-Waite-Smith version of the Tarot shows an undeniable reference to this on the Lovers card of the Major Arcana. The symbolism is undeniable, the man and woman, naked, with the woman standing before a tree wrapped in a serpent. Perhaps the angel behind them is Cherubim with his flaming sword (the Sun) protecting the Tree of Life (mentioned at the end of Genesis, ch 3).

Adam stands before the burning tree, Eden gone, representing what is often referred to as the "Fall of Man" (not the fall of Woman).

Just the other day I was talking with someone for some reason about the Garden of Eden and what it was all about. What's with the serpent (aka Satan?). What was he doing there? Why was he interested in tempting Eve?

I've heard possible explanations for it, but as I pondered it the other day, I had an idea come up for me. I'd like to share it with you.

The Bible states that God created all creatures and that "it was good." (Ch1, Verses 24-25). It specifically mentions "creeping things." That to me sounds like serpents. God intentionally put serpents in the garden, and when he did, he thought of them as "good." So why would a good creature, intentionally put into the Garden by the creator himself, tempt Eve to disobey? It doesn't make sense. Even if you don't take the scripture literally, the verses clearly insinuate that God only allowed in the Garden - in his "perfect world" - exactly what he wanted in the Garden. Briars and thorns weren't introduced until after the disobedience. If we assume that the Serpent truly was Satan, I can't see that he "snuck in" to God's sanctuary. He had to be there with the permission of God. And what is a sanctuary riddled with temptation and "evil". No, the serpent wasn't evil. He was the most "clever" but not evil.

Now the first five books of the bible were supposedly written by Moses. If I remember correctly (and I may not) these writings were carried around in the Ark of the Covenant. These writing didn't reach the European or American continents en masse, as books of religious doctrine hundreds if not thousands of years after they were written. In the meantime, cultures thrived across the planet that had no access to the Adam and Eve story. These cultures had their own interpretation of the symbolism of the serpent. Interestingly enough, snakes were often associated with fertility, birth, life and eternity. They also have access to hidden things, hidden information, and secrets. I'm not really seeing any culture that views snakes as evil, or vessels for the evil lord Satan. Source

So let's put two and two together here. A snake tempts Eve to eat the fruit, become mortal, introduce pain and suffering into the earth, lose her innocence perhaps through sex and be ejected from the Garden of Eden. Ok. And snakes have long mythology of being associated with fertility, birth, life and eternity. Sounds to me like one clever creature. Sounds to me like that creature's temptation served Eve to fulfill a commandment to multiply and replenish the Earth.
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Let's change gears. I want to return to the vision I had as I pondered Adam and Eve several days ago.

If I'm in a room, a normal room, let's say I'm in your bedroom, and I shine a really bright spotlight in the room, what happens to the darkness? Does it disappear? Think about it.

I argue that darkness does not disappear. It gathers. It gathers into deeper, darker shadows. The more light I shine, the harder it is to see into the shadows. The shadows in that room become impenetrable. Now if I take everything out of the room, and it's empty, sure, there will be almost no shadow, just feint shadows on the walls, but what good is an empty room? An empty room is beside the point. I want a fullfillinig room, so it has to have substance.

Do we agree that the shadow gathers into deep, dark shadows?

Now, let's say I take that light away. What happens to the darkness? It spreads all over the room. And there's always enough darkness to go around. All light WILL leave the room. There is such a thing as pure dark. There is no such thing as pure light, unless it is actively and equally shined from every possible angle, with no objects to block the light.

It's interesting about darkness, isn't it? And the more accustomed we become to light, the harder it is to penetrate and see into darkness. The less light there is, the more perceptible darkness becomes.

Darkness is like a teenager. The harder you fight against it, the more mysterious it becomes. But you can't leave it unattended or it will take over everything. You have to find a balance with it. Enough light so that you can function, but little enough light that you can look into it and see what's there.
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So let's go back to the Garden of Eden. Oh, everything in the Garden was oh so light, oh so bright. Everything was so bright and so perfect, that let's pretend darkness got cornered into one spot. Darkness was cornered into the holes of the earth. The rabbit holes, the gopher holes, etc. Now mythologically the serpent can be seen as a messenger from the underground. A messenger from the Earth. God (male diety) created Earth (female diety), to be the womb of his creations. Likewise, Adam (male) was given Eve (female) to be the womb of his posterity. Light (male) gives us an opportunity to see into the dark wombs of our souls (female) so that we can become enlightened and we can learn and grow. So the serpent, messenger of the dark underworld, crawls upon Mother Earth, once Father Sky has given his commandment, and approaches the woman. Says "Yo, if light keeps darkness cornered like this there will never be the power of life on this planet. You gotta let the dark (female) mingle with the light (male) so that this Earth serves it's purpose."

If Adam's rib had always stayed inside of his body, he never would have had a fertile womb to gestate his posterity. The rib had to come out. The rib becomes female. Likewise, the darkness of the Earth's womb had to be allowed to roam on Earth. Mother Earth sent her umbilical cord (serpent) to connect to her child (Eve) and teach her how to own her power as a woman.

Eve partook of the fruit, and instantly light and darkness existed in a balance upon the Earth! The seen and the unseen mingled! The unconscious - Adam and Eve's innocent souls - connected to their minds, their egoes, and they realized they were naked! It was like Eve plugged in and everything finally sprang to life AND death! What a miracle!

And for those of us believing this all has to do with sex, that's fantastic. Think about it: the light (phallus) enters darkness (womb) and the balance of the two, the partnership of opposites creates new life. Bingo!
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And so now we live in a world of darkness and light. We're on this crusade, it seems, to destroy darkness and live only in light. Sounds flat and boring to me. Not only that, we all know that darkness doesn't destroy, it just gathers. Is it any wonder that the world has lived primarily in patriarchal order for so many years? It is any wonder that pagan religions of Europe who celebrated the Goddess are considered "dark and evil" by patriarchal cultures - cultures obsessed with "overcoming darkness?" Funny! Darkness isn't here to be overcome! It's here to be explored! It's here to feed creativity (womb) and imagination! The most effective way of exploring darkness is by approaching it with some light. Balance. Balance. Balance.

As a woman, by the way, I am NOT insinuating that because women are represented by darkness that is makes them evil. To associate darkness with evil is to completely miss the point of this blog. Darkness is simply the counterbalance to light. Period. This association with women is cross-cultural anyways. In Greek mythology Apollo and Artemis were twins, with Apollo (male) ruling the sun, and Artemis (female) ruling the moon. Women's menstruation follows closely the cycles of the moons as well. And there's no missing the physiolocial fact that male genitalia is outside of the body (exposed to light) while female genitalia is hidden inside of her body (darkness). Etc, etc.


One last image that I'd like to share from the Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot. The Devil card. Notice its similarities to the Lovers card presented above. Notice, if you dare, that both male and female are equally at risk of choosing bondage in life. It's not about the serpent. It never is. In fact, these two people could easily free themselves from bondage - their chains are not tight. But they are comfortable here, so comfortable, in fact, that they're naked - nothing to hide. These two have never had their consciousness awakened - they're still staring blankly off into space. I imagine this card representing Adam and Eve had they stayed in the Garden. Neutralized, simplified, unprogressing. If you stare too long at the sun, your eyes go blind. If you stare too long at the sun and go blind ... darkness wins and takes over. You lose light forever.
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God asks Adam and Eve what happened. Eve says "the serpent beguiled me." God curses Eve and the serpent. Eve is told to be accountable to her husband. Sounds like a perfect ending for a patriarchal story. Sounds like the reaction of a male diety. Does it change my feelings about the story? Nope. Our Earth carries the burdens of rainforests AND deserts. She lives in a constant balance of light AND darkness. She allows seasons of summer AND winter. All at the same time, all at once. In a perfect balance. Feel free to call that a curse, I call it a beautiful miracle, and I enjoy climbing her mountains and living in her valleys.


Her deep pains of labor, much like a woman's childlabor, is her opportunity to explore pain and sacrifice. Her connection to these depths are like the mysteries of the ocean. The serpent crawls upon it's belly, it's "curse," keeping ever in close contact with the womb of all life ("From dust to dust...").


Well, whatever. Call it a curse. That's ok. I'm still awed and honored to be a part of it!