The Butterfly Effect: A Magical Manifestation of Abundance

It's August 3, 2012, and I'm sitting at High Vibes Coffee & Crystals in Orem, UT, where I volunteer/trade working hours at the shop in exchange for meeting Reiki and Tarot clientele, and training in Reiki through Lisa Ross-Walker.  Troy Walker, the owner of the shop, and I, are having a little chat as I relieve him on his shift - something we do almost every day for 30 minutes or so.  I'm feeling deflated, tired and down.  As Troy and I are taking a look at why I feel like such crap, I start on a rampage.

Troy and Lisa

"I'm on my last pair of contact lenses, Troy, and I've been wearing them for like two months.  I finally saved up enough money to buy more, but the Optometrist won't let me renew my prescription unless I pay for a full eye exam, which I can't afford right now.

"I need to get a business license to make sure my Tarot and Reiki business is legal, and to make sure my student loan payments stay in deferment.

"I dropped my phone in the toilet the other day, and it survived until two hours later a can of soup fell out of the kitchen cupboard on it and smashed the screen.  I waited two weeks for a new screen to arrive in the mail, and as I was installing it, for some reason the LCD connector on the motherboard of my phone short-circuited and now the phone's totally ruined.  John and Cindy Hoover brought me a loaner phone until I can afford a new one, but it's the wrong technology to work with the SIM card I have.

"I gave a Reiki treatment the other day to a guy in desperate need who said he'd bring me the $55 the next day - two weeks later I still haven't heard from him."

Enter my tears, which I apologized for, and Troy insisted that I allow myself to cry as much as I needed to, even though I was "at work running the shop."  I started bawling.

"I just don't understand, Troy.  I understand how the Law of Attraction works, I'm reading the Divine Matrix and studying A Course in Miracles which confirm that by feeling positive and excited about my financial abundance I will pull it in to my space - but every time I get the money I need, the cost of what I hope to accomplish escalates.  I've been doing meditations and worksheets and grids for my root chakra, and embracing each experience as an opportunity for my situation to always be improving, but I'm reaching a breaking point where I just can't feel it any more.  I don't have a car or a phone, so it would be really challenging to even get a job if I wanted one at this point ... I mean, fuck, man, I just feel so screwed!"

After another 30 minutes of releasing my frustration, I started to feel better.  The release was good, and with a shaky resolve, I was able to step back into an energy of gratitude, hopefulness and happiness.  At around 3 PM I posted this on my Facebook page:

"In my life I'm surrounded by the nicest, most caring people on Earth, and I'm really grateful for it. Today, Troy W. Walker listened to me bawl for about an hour about how I don't understand how to live a life with passion and also make the money I need. How often does a 30 year-old chick get to bawl on her boss' shoulder? Thank you to all of my friends - I lack for nothing in that department! :) "

The next day, I came into work.  Troy handed me an envelope.  I opened it, and found inside a card and letter from him and his wife Lisa, and a $100 bill.  I grinned and thanked him profusely!  Holy crap!  A free $100 bucks in cash!!!

Two hours later, my dear friends John and Cindy Hoover pull into the parking lot.  Attached to their car is a trailer with a barely-used beautiful white-and-chrome scooter motorbike of theirs on it.  They get out of the car, and say, "Surprise!"  Cindy hands me the title to the scooter, signed over to me!!!!  "Check out your new scooter, sister!" she and John exclaim! Dudes - they loaned me a car for six months and asked nothing in return, and yesterday they GIFTED me a totally functional, barely-used scooter!!  Cindy then hands me a blank check to pay for the registration on it, and lets me know that she's prepared to take me helmet shopping on Monday if I can't find/afford a helmet in the next two days.

HOLY.

CRAP.

!!!

All I can do is talk and talk and talk and giggle and laugh and make sure every person who comes into the shop congratulates me on my new motorcycle!!  :)  :)  And take it for like 5 test-drives around the parking lot.  And insist everyone that comes into the shop takes it for a test drive.  :)

James and Sunny

I leave work, and know my brother-in-law, James, just sold his motorbike, and may have a helmet.  I go to his house on my new ride and ask him, and he offers me this crazy helmet that was squishing my chubby cheeks.  The helmet wasn't ideal, but I thanked him and said I may or may not keep it depending on what else I could find.  I head over to my other sister, Shauna's, house, show off my scooter, and ask her if she has a helmet I can have.  As I'm telling her my whole story for the day, she stops me and says, "I have a cheap AT&T phone you can use!"  She runs into her office and brings out a phone for me, that's still in the box, and lets me know I can keep it as long as I need to, until I can afford my own replacement.

"By the way," Shauna's husband Billy adds, "Your dad was trying to sell some motorcycle helmets last week at his yard sale.  He gave them to Sunny and James.  So they should have extras that maybe James didn't know about..."

I head back over to Sunny and James' house and ask them about the other helmets.  "Oh yeah," they say, "but I think they're kid-size helmets."  They pull one out of their goodwill pile, and sure enough it fits like a glove!  And it's white and matches my scooter :)  Granted, it's like 20 years old, but it doesn't squish my face, lol, so I was STOKED!!

In short, in 24 hours after my breakdown, I had purchased my business license, had a new scooter and everything I needed to safely and legally operate it, got a replacement phone, and had $90 left over to put towards my contact lenses.

Shauna and Billy

Oh yeah, and right after my breakdown, Troy, who works as a Real Estate Agent, hooked me up with a job at his brokerage as a Spanish-to-English translator for shortsell files with Spanish-speaking sellers (because no one at his brokerage speaks Spanish!).  I already was assigned to my first file, and will be making $20 an hour just to go to meetings with sellers and translate - on my own schedule of availability, totally part-time, and doing something I can totally believe in (helping people get through a sticky financial time in their lives).

Problems.All.Solved.

SO...

Liberty.  You're welcome for
this choice in pic, Lib :)

I've been thinking about it, and why the timing happened as it did.  First of all, as I was talking to my sister Liberty (who feeds me and lets me live with her for free and totally gives me anything she can in terms of financial support and assistance even though she's a single mother of 4 kids and a student, because she believes in me, which is amazing in and of itself), and we realized that when I go to anger with issues, which I usually do first, it buries sadness deep inside of me.  By crying to Troy, and actually acknowledge that I'm not just mad and frustrated, but sad, I acknowledged and released the sadness, which was likely blocking the flow of energy/abundance to me.  Once I released the sadness, I immediately manifested major abundance through the generosity of an amazing community.

Lesson 1: Playing tough and angry blocks my energy.  Releasing sadness moves my energy.

Awesome.

Next, I couldn't stop thinking about the power of the Butterfly Effect.  In this situation, a whole cascade of blessings was waiting for me, and what really set it off, what released the avalanche, was me releasing my feelings, and THEN posting with honesty about my shortcomings and needs, and also gratitude for the support I WAS ALREADY receiving from a member of my community.  One small post got John and Cindy excited (and definitely not feeling obligated) about joining in on the fun of making someone's day (as Troy had done by listening to me and giving me permission to cry).  After John and Cindy left from dropping off my scooter, this is the stuff THEY were posting on Facebook:

"When you hang with amazing people,amazing things will manifest in your life."  - John Hoover

He was posting that hanging out with ME made his life manifest amazing things for HIM when he gave ME his scooter.  Like, what??  I'M the one who benefited from having HIS amazing friendship.  He is incapable of seeing how I have been blessed any more than he has by this experience.  Cindy was texting Liberty all night, reveling in her excitement at having seen my shocked face.  Cindy felt like SHE was getting the blessing, when she gave ME her scooter.  Amazing people!

So Troy listened to me bawl, John and Cindy immediately started cleaning up and making small repairs on the scooter, Lisa bought a card and found a crisp $100 bill, and I had done NOTHING to make that happen other than be honest and grateful despite my sadness over my trials.

Lisa was so excited about HER gift, her energy and juju was SO inspiring, that as she was picking up a rental car later that day, her economy car was upgraded to a brand-new sexy red mustang!  So she raced back to the shop to show me, and lo-and-behold I had my own cool new car and we all just laughed and laughed in a big happy family about the crazy fun abundance we were manifesting.

Then, as I was sharing my joy and hopping to new tasks, my sisters were thrilled to join in on the fun, giving me a phone and helmet.  Ripples and ripples of effect, ripples that John and Cindy felt, that Troy and Lisa experienced, that my sisters were able to perpetuate, on and on...

Going for a ride on my new bike with helmet!  Yeah!

And it was all happening because of relatively simple, but heartfelt and loving gestures on everyone's part.  A listening ear, passing around used but still useful resources, words of gratitude and simple tokens of appreciation.  There was no scheming, no master plan, to make this happen, and especially not to make it happen in such crazy, perfect timing.  It was just a ripple - a huge-ass ripple that somehow flowed out to my community and came back to me.  I didn't create it, I received it; they didn't create it, they received it and passed it on and the flow will continue forever, as long as the waters of connection and community are receptive to that marvelous rippling that does nothing but bless us.

That's the Butterfly Effect.

Hopefully, this blog got you feeling excited, and feeling a little fluttering of gratitude and hopefulness.  Hopefully, my words, your reading them, and sharing the possibilities of the power of unity and generosity will pass on a ripple that will reach your life and beyond!  I think it can and will.  I believe it's your turn to also receive!

Just a little tarot fun...

I had to jump on the meme bandwagon ... voila!

Spiritual Memoir #7: Return of the Glorious Goddess Sisterhood

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.

Tarot Card: Three of Cups

(see pics in this post from various decks)

Radiant Rider Waite deck

My Interpretations of the Card
"Time to celebrate with the girls"

I pulled this card and almost giggled with glee ... it feels like these last few posts have been kind of heavy, and I was so ready for a happier, lighter tone.  So hooray for the three of cups - I *love* this card!

In the Rider Waite image, three women raise their cups in lighthearted celebration.  The women are different: a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head, and they wear different clothes in different styles and colors.  But they're all women.  I see this as diversity and differences among peers being celebrated - enhancing and beautifying the bond, instead of dissolving into competition or judgment.  The women are surrounded by/carrying fruits too - enjoying the harvest of their lives together.

Cups, of course, symbolize the element of water, and represent emotions and spirituality.  So this isn't about the women getting together to talk, but to connect.  Three is a number representing power and completeness (as in the Holy Trinity).  There is a total bonding here that results in powerful synergy, the whole adding up to more than the parts, and spirituality being pursued in a community celebration, not in solitary silence.  Did I say yet that I love this card!?!?  :)

Deviant Moon Tarot

Check out the imagery in the Deviant Moon tarot ... a bunch of crazy misfits, that keep from sinking by partying in the sharp-toothed mouth of a giant fish.  Hee hee.  (That deck is so crazy, I love it!)  The masks are coming off, the clothes are coming off - it's almost like they know they'll either drown in the sea or get eaten by the fish, so they might as well drink and be merry in the last minutes of their lives.  

But they're not going to die - this is only the three of cups ... they still have seven more steps ahead of them.  Really, the hopelessness of their situation is a catalyst for them to take off the masks and loosen up a little bit.

In summary, I think of this card as the "Sex and the City" card.  It's only three people instead of that magical foursome, but it's about getting together with your besties and saying "to hell with our problems!  Tonight we celebrate!"

Spiritual Memoir: Three of Cups

I've always been close to my sisters.  I have five sisters (and two brothers), and I'm the baby of the family.  As I've commented in other posts (like THIS one), I was to an extent raised by my sisters.  

The Goddess Sisterhood at the opening of our store
Left to Right: Me, Liberty, Crystal - 2008
Photo credit to Cathy Allred, more info HERE

My second oldest sister, Liberty, and my fourth oldest sister, Crystal, and I opened a new age/metaphysical shop together a few years back.  We have pretty much always shared a lot of beliefs, and having this store together fused our little trio into what we call the "Goddess Sisterhood." We worked together, shared all of the same friends, read books and taught classes together - it was a wonderful time.  When we sold the store, our trio dynamic started shifting to a clique of two with one third wheel, then it would shift to two different besties with someone else as the third wheel, and so on.  

About two years ago, Crystal and I were on a roll together, with Liberty being neglected, and we decided to make a conscious effort to keep her in the loop.  It didn't take too long that we were having a girl's night every Friday - it was our weekly celebration of the Goddess Sisterhood.  We'd drink boxed wine, eat Goddess ramen noodles (with garlic, cheese, sour cream, and cayenne pepper ... mmmm), and smoke on Liberty's back porch until two or three in the morning.  Sometimes we'd do tarot or psychic readings for each other, sometimes we'd talk to our dead brother Art through a Ouija board (and other hooligans), and sometimes we'd sing and dance in the back yard.  (The across-the-street neighbor, Victoria, was so tactful in expressing to us we were being a *wee* bit too loud... hee hee ... sweet Victoria).  Often, we just watched Lib do a LOT of yard work, while Crystal sang along to Flight of the Conchords using her phone's tiny speaker.  Ahh...those were the days!  It was fun, we were connected - we were the three of cups!  In fact, to this day, I call this card the "Goddess Sisterhood" card.

Then, Crystal started nursing school and got divorced.  She had new things going on in her life, between her new friends at school and entering the dating scene.  Liberty and I were excited about the changes in Crystal's life, but found we had less and less to talk about with her, because we shared so little in common.  Then, Liberty went back to school to study philosophy, and I was just finishing my studies in economics, and, believe it or not, we had more and more to talk about since our studies were so related.  Liberty and I grew even closer ... and Crystal ever more distant.

Golden Tarot

I'm going to be totally honest for this blog's sake: I really resented Crystal for this distance.  I judged her to be backsliding into conventional worldly being, as opposed to the uber-spiritual-truth-seekers that our Goddess Sisterhood was founded on.  I was mean to her, I'd yell at her, tell her she was screwing it all up, being less than her best self, and so on.  She put up with it for a while, then gradually stopped coming around.  At times, she'd tell me to shut up and get off my high horse.  That only fueled my anger more.  

After I went out to Columbia University last fall, my anger cooled off a little bit, and I figured a long-distance friendship would be good for us.  But it only stayed constructive for a short time.  I loved judging her too much.  When I came back from Columbia at Thanksgiving and moved home after Christmas, I made sure to see her, only to ream her with how badly she was screwing up (in my opinion).

I was like the three of cups card from the Golden Tarot deck: I was the "pure" maidens, acknowledging the fools on the street (Crystal), but really mocking and shutting them out.  It was so hard not to judge Crystal because I knew that she could be what I wanted her to be.  It's easy to not pass judgment on some stranger on the street, giving them the benefit of the doubt - but with someone so close to you it changes, becomes harder, more personal.  I talk all the time about how many of us "enlightened" folk say, "I forgive Hitler.  We didn't understand what circumstances he was raised in, and maybe he was sick in the head, and that's not his fault.  I can have compassion and don't judge him," ... but in the same breath we curse the woman buying food with food stamps while she talks on her expensive iPhone!  That traitorous bitch!  My point is that it's easy to say we forgive an abstract person/concept like Hitler; I think the measure of our enlightenment is in how we respond to the little, relatively insignificant annoyances in our lives, not the major genocides of the world.

Anyway, back to my story: about two months ago, like in February or March (2012), I was studying A Course in Miracles and realized I needed to forgive Crystal for being different than how she used to be and forgive myself for being bugged about it.  Expect no changes, hope for no changes, and just see how what I was feeling was purely and cruelly destructive.  I couldn't believe how hard that was to swallow!  

One night, a few weeks ago, right after my A Course in Miracles study group, Crystal's 5 year-old had a seizure, and was taken to Primary Children's Hospital for an overnight stay.  I offered to go up with her.  While we were at the hospital the next morning, I said to her, "Crystal, I think I'm done judging you.  I'm tired of it, and I know you are.  I don't care what you do with your life, or how you live it - I just want you to be around me again.  If you talk about stuff I don't care about, I'll listen for a while then tell you when I'm sick of it.  I hope you can understand that.  Aside from that, I hope you can forgive me for being such a bitch this past year."

Crystal and Me, 2010

She smiled and said, "Ok!  Sounds good to me."  And just like that, it was over...

Since then, I just don't have any desire to judge and condemn her.  I have, in fact, done several tarot readings, for myself and other members of my family, about interceding in her life and with her family to "offer help" (read: impose our judgments on her), and every time ... every time ... the tarot has come back saying "Stay out of it.  Let her live her life.  Your only role here is to love her and be her friend."  

Last week, I went and did readings at a party Crystal was throwing.  It was a blast.  This week, I went to her house and finally just hung out with her for like six hours.  It was a blast.  None of the things that annoyed me before have changed ... but I've changed.

The Goddess Sisterhood, the three of cups, has people that are different ... they're not all the same ... and that's OK!!  We can celebrate even with our differences.  We can be united even with the diversity.  The three of cups is about forgetting that we're about to sink or be eaten by a fish, and just pull off the masks, get vulnerable and sincere, and raise a glass with people we love - without asking them to change.  It can be fun.  It's ok for life to be fun.  And we can love people and see their excellence without feeling compelled to drag it out of them.  It goes back to Jesus talking about obsessing over the mote in another's eye.  Stop it!  (I'm saying that to you and to myself!  To all of us!)

Crystal - I love you, and you are perfect in my eyes.  I also trust you with your life - follow your heart wherever it leads you, and I'll stay out of the way.  Thank you for accepting my apologies so gracefully. **raises a glass**

Spiritual Memoir #5: My Life is My Creation

For an explanation of this Spiritual Memoir
blog series, see THIS post.



Radiant Rider Waite Tarot



Tarot Card:  Four of Wands
(See pics in this post from various decks)

My Interpretations of the Card
"The first-fruits of independently mastering one's creative power"

Ahhh...the first victory of the wands suit - it isn't total fulfillment or seeing something through to completion, but a stability, an achievement.

Wands are interesting cards.  They symbolize the element of fire, and are an active male force (as evidenced by their phallic shape).  Fire represents passion, creativity and to a certain extent sexuality.  They are tied strongly to second-chakra energy.

Fire, passion and sexuality are all exciting things, but it's important to keep them in check, to understand their power to consume our time, attention, and relationships.  For this reason, the four of wands is an important card - because boundaries have been established, and the fire contained to a point of it actually supporting a laurel full of fruits and life.  In the Rider Waite symbolism, two women raise cheers of celebration for the accomplishment of mastery of the fire.  The wands are close to a large city, and the inhabitants look secure and comfortable with the proximity.  I can't help but wonder, though, if the small bridge in the right-hand corner insinuates a stream separates the city from the fire of the wands.  If the town represents our home and lives, our habits, or even the hegemony of the culture we live in, this mastery of passion and creativity has happened outside of the circle of familiarity - it's been compartmentalized but not hidden.  And it is accepted by the townspeople, it is celebrated.

Legacy of the Divine Tarot

In the Legacy of the Divine tarot the four wands create a center of life and prosperity in the midst of destruction and death.  I find it interesting that it looks like everything outside of the wands is burning, since wands themselves represent fire.  It looks like the crystals at the tops of the wands are tempering the fiery heat from the sun to allow life to prosper inside of their perimeter.  Once again, the small victory over fire, the establishment of success and safety using the power of fire.  Beautiful!

Spiritual Memoir: Four of Wands

About two weeks ago (April 2012), I was lying in my bed one afternoon, thinking about how delicious death sounded.  Life just felt ... flavorless, pointless, like a rat race in an endless maze of dead ends and disappointments.  I'd been dedicating my life to "connecting with God" but found myself without the energy to really do more than just hope and think about it, and only on occasion.  It all felt so hard, so pointless, so out-of-reach.  "God," I would pray, "make this better, give me the energy, the strength, the desire to feel like anything in this life is worth pursuing."  In response, I felt nothing.

Exasperated, I went to the A Course in Miracles study group that I lead, and found my good friends Gail and Gary Sauter there.  After some small talk about gardening, I expressed my frustration.  The frustration had been building up for over a month, and these wonderful friends had been privy to my mounting depression, and had always offered insightful, loving support and recommendations.  This time, though, I was done listening to them too - everything seemed terminally hopeful, without ever yielding fruits.

I posted a little about this experience in a previous post (see HERE), so I won't recap everything, but in short, I started reading Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsch, and there was a passage that struck me.  I don't have the book in front of me (bah!), but I found this quote from his website that says the same thing as the passage in the book:

"You were created to create - not to react.  

Creation is the highest form of Divinity, and your birthright.  Truth is, you are creating all the time.  The central question in your life is whether you are doing this consciously or unconsciously.  

Conscious creation is what is needed now.  Stop moping.  And stop thinking negative thoughts.  Just get on with it!  Tomorrow awaits your choice as to how its going to be.  Call the shots!  Make it happen!  You're in charge here." (my emphasis)

Here's the epiphany: in my praying and moping, I kept saying "God do this, and God do that - make me feel better, open my vision, fill my heart, etc., etc" ... but this quote made me realize that my life is my creation, not God's.  I call the shots.  I decide how it's going to look.  I am the source of my own feelings, my own vision, my own love, etc.  God cheers me on and loves me, but God doesn't create anything for me - She has empowered me to do that for myself!

Hmm...

A snap decision: I'm going to feel better.  Everything I encounter in life is going to be interesting and mysterious and adventurous for me!  I'm not waiting for anyone or anything to step in ... I'm going to use my creative birthright and make this life how I want it.  Immediately, the clouds dissipated, and sun shone in my heart and mind again.

Tarot of the Magical Forest

Like the four of wands, I decided to harness my creative power, to step out, independent of the city, of God, of culture, of anything, and start building my own world and life.  I like the Tarot of the Magical Forest, where the four wands look like they're the framing for a new house, separate from the main house of the estate.  It isn't about building on an addition to the existing home, to the status quo, to someone else's vision ... but stepping out and beginning the structure of my own experience.  I can go tour their mansion and get tips and ideas, but my life is my mansion, my creation.

Like in the Legacy of the Divine tarot, my creative power will redirect the scorching heat of fire to establishing my own oasis of peace and life.  But I have to channel it - nobody's going to do it for me.

And like in the Rider Waite card, the people from the city, the passersby, are cheering me on.  They aren't afraid of me competing, or withdrawing, but are celebrating that I've come up with my own design for my life.  I am not alone in this, never alone, but I am the foreman (or forewoman as it were), I call the shots.

I'll admit, that I have found myself backsliding here and there into the negative space of feeling life is acting upon me, or stagnant and stuck ... and it's a slippery slope.  But every time I step back into the driver's seat and say, "What if this is actually fun?  What if my life is actually delightful?" the clouds of my mind disappear and everything is bright and interesting again.  I think it's just a matter of habit.  Retraining habits.  And keeping the creative fire working within the four-wanded blueprint I've chosen for it: happy, delightful life.

My Spiritual Life through Tarot: a memoir blog series

I've been doing some automatic writing again.  For those who don't know what that is, THIS post has an intro explaining it.  I was told today by someone I was talking to (via automatic writing - so like a Spirit Guide) that automatic writing is good for me (and for most people), because it gets me not only clearly spelling out and thinking about what's going on with me, but also kind of forces me to pause and wait to hear answers.  I think when I "pray" I usually just talk forever and then shrug my shoulders and walk away.  With automatic writing I pause with anticipation, which opens the door to actually hearing.  Anyway.  Just a tidbit to throw in :)

That's actually not the topic of this post.

In today's automatic writing session I was told by an old spirit guide friend of mine, Ganesha, to start a blog series for this blog.  I was chatting with another guide, and I literally was interrupted as I was talking about writing in general (like authoring writing), and in my mind I felt it was Ganesha and this is what I typed from him, "I’m going to step in here for a minute because I’m both your authoring mentor and your chore-busting mentor."


I swear on my life that I had no idea Ganesha was the patron saint of authors and artists.  I thought it was weird that he interceded right then, but was like, Ok - whatever.  (Because I like talking to him more than some of my other guides.  He's silly, makes me laugh.)  Out of the blue just now I was looking up some fabulous lyrics about Ganesha to include in this blog from M.C. Yogi's "Jai Ganesha" and came across the patron saint thing in my google search.

My mind is blown.

And I'm giggling because it's fun to get confirmations ...

Ok, seriously, that's the last digression for this post.  What I'm actually posting about is to announce that for the next 78-ish days I will be posting spiritual memoirs, as instructed by my homey Ganesha, but I'm going to tell the stories as inspired by the Tarot.

Here's how it works:

1. I draw a Tarot card at random
2. I'll briefly explain the card's symbolism/meaning and include a picture for you to reference.
3. Based on the symbolism on that card, I'll tell a you story about my life's spiritual journey. 
4. I'll try to keep it short.  Ganesh told me 600-1000 words, specifically.  (This post is currently at 429 words).

He said by the end of it, I would have a pretty complete history of my spiritual process.  But told in a "random" order.

Sound fun?

I think you'll enjoy it.  First, because the God of all wisdom, loved by all children, known for the blessing the homes that we live in said you would (there are some of those lyrics ... thanks MC Yogi!).  Second, because I'm a great storyteller.  :D

It may not take me the full 78 days.  There are just 78 cards in the Tarot, and it was recommended that I go through a whole deck, at least one a day, but more if I'd like.  The daily commitment actually scares me, and I'd really like to just stockpile a bunch of them all at once then take a two week break... he he he.  

Anyway, now you know what you'll be seeing!  Let the magic begin...

Sometimes experiments fail. And we can talk about that too.

It's been two months since I posted.  Whew, time kinda flies (but also kinda stands still).  I think about posting a lot, but generally don't for the same reason over and over ... I feel performance anxiety.  People really liked my last entry, I say to myself, what if this next one is dumb, or sounds whiny or isn't well thought-out?!?!?  And so I don't post.

I don't regret it, but it is kind of inauthentic to only post the feelings, thoughts, conclusions and impressions that I deem "worthy" of the audience.  After all, I have titled this blog a search for and experimentation with Truth - shouldn't failed experiments be included in my reporting as well as the successful ones?  I think so!  So without a long expose', I will shine a light on the past two months.

It's been really, really rough.  Not rough because I've been busy at the grindstone, but rough because I've been beating myself up about not being busy at the grindstone.  I would wake up, usually at about 1:30 in the afternoon, and think of how pathetic and inappropriate such a late hour was.  I'd not feel like going in to volunteer at the coffee shop, and feel like a withholder and feel unreliable for not doing so.  I'd sit around the house in my jammies all day, and point out to myself that I am the epitome of white trash.  Of course, just about anyone I'd talk to about this would look at me like I was crazy and say, "I don't judge you.  I don't think that about you.  I actually don't think about how early you wake up, what you do with your time, or how you dress at all...  You're fretting over nothing!"  Their comforting words would provide temporary solace, but of course, the only true acceptance we can ever feel has to come from ourselves... and I was my worst critic.

I also read a lot of fiction and watched a lot of TV.  Hooray for the Mistborn trilogy, the Hunger Games, The Three Musketeers, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Spartacus, The Walking Dead and so on.  I didn't like Inkheart that much though, and started reading Inkspell and just couldn't get past the first 80 pages because it was for too young of an audience...  This was another tool I employed:  fiction/TV mixed with some wine provided a perfect cocktail of numbness and "checking-out."  I don't regret this, but have beat myself up about it.  Of course, like with everyone else, no one else criticized me about it at all.  It was just my own self-reproach that gnawed at me.

I got better at it, but I did pendulum swing.  It became about being proud and defensive about all of it.  I LOVE that I get to sleep in and pity you because you don't!  Or I'm not so shallow as to care about how I look.  Obviously WE'RE not on the same level!  Ah, the snide nature of defensiveness.  I didn't actually say these things to anybody, but I shielded myself with the words.  Of course, no one was shooting arrows, so a shield was pointless.  All that happened was my self-criticism grew ... and became charged with anger.

I felt abandoned by God.  (In this blog post I'm going to call God "She" for the fun of mixing it up.  I have permission from God to do this.  The "God" I know has no gender.)  She wasn't fixing it.  Here I was, "giving up everything" and She wasn't doing Her part of the deal.  She's betrayed me again!

Do you know that I went through 48 hours of pure hell because I knew my bank account was short the $0.93 needed for an upcoming automatic withdrawal, and I had the $1 bill in my hand, but it was a weekend and I didn't know the PIN to my new debit card, so I couldn't deposit the $1 through the ATM?  I mean, it's pretty ridiculous in retrospect, but it sucked to live through.  I knew it was ridiculous too, but I feel trapped, bound, worried, and betrayed.  God said She'd provide for me ... why was even the simplest thing soooo haaarrdd!?!?

And finally, in the spirit of transparency, I awoke last Tuesday, and laid in bed for about 2 hours, finding comfort in the thought of death.  Death wouldn't solve my problems, I knew, but it would at least change the scenery.  For the record, I had no intention of actually seeking death, but I did start liking the idea of an "escape."

And then a cat snapped me out of it.

Well, the cat started the chain of events that did.  I was house-sitting for a friend, and needed to go feed her cat.  I'd just spent two hours in a class where I'm supposed to lead a spiritual discussion, that turned into two hours of me venting about my sense of betrayal (BTW thanks to my two special co-students for hearing me out and offering love and support!!).  After my class, I intended to walk into my friend's house, dump food in the cat bowl and walk out.  But instead, this adorable little furball named Duchess enticed me into an exchange: she'd get snuggled and loved, and I'd get someone to listen to me vent some more.  That got boring after about 30 minutes so I decided to play my friend's Game Cube while snuggling.  That got boring really fast, but the cat was simply too perfect to leave behind for the evening, so I looked at my friend's movies, and found an Abraham-Hicks lecture on video.  This is the last shot You've got, God.  I'll watch this for 10 minutes, and if I don't feel better, I'm done with You.

Four hours later (2 full DVDs of lectures), I couldn't remember how I'd even been so upset in the first place!  It was all Law of Attraction - I was focused on betrayal, so my life dished up more time and opportunities to fit into the lens of betrayal.  I was focused on justifying my anger, so I had an experience of ever-increasing anger.  And so on.  The only difference between Eeyore and everyone else in the Thousand Acre Wood is where the sad little donkey puts his attention -- his attitude -- right?  (Thanks FB friends for winning me over to the philosophical power of the Pooh stories!)  And I could believe it was real because the minute, while watching the DVD, I looked at my situation through a lens of maybe this is actually a fun experience, it started looking pretty fun.  And funny.

Then I read over the next few days Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue by Neale Donald Walsch, which is rocking my world, and helping me see that all of the negativity I was drawing from my "spirituality" was because I was kinda seeking the failure as a means to justify my anger.  I wanted to be angry.  I still do a lot of the time.  But I feel empowered to accept that there may be a better way.  Instead of seeing this life as a challenging task of overcoming the ego, Conversations with God has helped me to see it as my personal creation of a story of Ascension.  That has a better energy to it, right?  It even sounds ... (dare I say it??) ... fun!

So it's been a good week :)

It took about 3 days, but after conscious attitude shifting, and taking a little accountability for my life, and enjoying the mystery a little, and especially asking for help with an expectation of receiving it, instead of with anger for needing it, things started turning better.  I feel hopeful and even a little delighted, and the perceived entrapment has faded out.

And now I have that off of my chest.   

Dreaming of Failed Triathlons

Last night I had a most vivid and frustrating dream. I almost never remember my dreams, and even less frequently do the feelings from my dreams pervade my life. But last night was different.

For the past year I have been actively training and participating in Triathlons. I've just recently lost some weight, and so they are more fun than ever, and I'm getting more competitive with them which is very fulfilling. I train for the races with my sister, Sunny Jo. She is very athletic and keeps me on my toes. We almost always race together too and she always beats me :D

My dream started off with me standing in line inside of a barn waiting for my turn to start a triathlon in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. In the barn came a little stream of water, kind of like a deep canal, with a current. This is where I would start the swim portion of the race. When it came my turn to jump in, I was given a floaty and a paddle. I hesitated - since when do you do a triathlon with a floating seat and a paddle? I noticed the water had a current. But I jumped on the seat and started paddling away.

Everyone else ahead of me in the race was casually floating down this wide canal as I vigorously paddled past them. I was excited to be passing so many people. No one else was paddling but me. There were spectators all around cheering us on.

Normally, a sprint tri will have a 300-900 meter swim. I would say this one was closer to 150 meters in the water. Before I knew it, the current turn and I was carried back to the barn and I had passed a LOT of people. Now was the time to put on my helmet and cycling shoes and take off for the cycling portion of the race - the funnest part for me!

My bike was sitting in the barn amongst some hay and dust, and there were only 3 or 4 other bikes there (usually in a tri the "transition" area has hundreds of bikes - one for each participant). I found my race number and snapped it around my waist, but for the life of my I couldn't find my helmet and shoes. I kept looking down and finding my running shoes on. I'd sit down, take them off, and look for my cycling shoes. Then, a few seconds later, I'd look down and my running shoes would be on again. Arg! It's SO important in a race to HURRY during the transitions. Probably for 3 hours of my sleep I was desperately looking for my cycling equipment. In the dream only like 40 minutes had passed, but in 40 minutes I should have been almost done with the race, not looking for my shoes! I remember that I started my swim before my sister Sunny, and during transition as I searched for my shoes, she passed me.

Finally I found them. I put them on and hopped on my bike and headed out for the bike ride... only to find that the path wasn't marked. There were spectators everywhere and nowhere did I see anyone else on a bike or a sign that said "BIKE -->" or anything like that. I rode my bike down the sidewalks, up the boardwalks, and through the crowds, but could never find the route. Once, I though I'd found it and I biked as hard as I could up a hill. The road seemed unreasonably rocky and steep. I kept wondering if I'd misread the information about the race and if the bike was a "trail ride" and if I should have brought a mountain bike instead of a road bike. But when I got to the top of the hill, my breath was taken away by the Tetons - it was the most spectacular mountain scene I'd ever seen - and the path I was on split in 1,000 directions - none of them marked for the race. I thought to myself, "Yes, this is beautiful scenery ... but I'm not here for scenery. I'm here for my race. And where the hell is my trail?!?!"

I rode my bike back down the hill and around for a little while longer. I had a moment of clear thought where I thought to myself, "You know, none of this would have happened, none of these surprises would have challenged me, if I'd come early and walked the course with a guide before the race."

I kept seeing people finish the run - it was obvious where the run started and ended - if ONLY I could find the bike trail!

At last I gave up, hopped off my bike and decided to start the run, if just only to "finish the race." When I got my running shoes on and left the barn, the race was over, spectators were cleaning up and leaving, and the "RUN --->" signs had all been taken down. I was FURIOUS. I found my phone and called Sunny. She answered asking if I was at home. "AT HOME!?!?!" I asked. "I'm here at the race with YOU! How did you forget about me?!?! Where the hell is the bike route?!?!"

Sunny Jo found me and was trying to calm me down. She explained that for her the bike route had been perfectly clear and obvious and she didn't know why I'd had such a hard time finding it. She took me outside and showed me one of the signs marking the bike path. I'd been looking for a great big sign that said, "BIKE --->" and the one she showed me was a little piece of paper with a strip of road drawn on it. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable sign. I hadn't even noticed it once.

I told her that even though I didn't finish the race, at the very least I wanted my T-shirt. We went to go grab it but they'd run out of my sizes, and I had to settle for a men's shirt. When we returned to grab my stuff to leave, my bike was missing and we couldn't find it anywhere.

At this point I was going totally crazy, and beginning to wake up. I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, lay back down, and would instantly be asleep and irate in my dream. Then I'd stir, pet my cat, close my eyes and be back in the barn frantically searching for my bike. I was going to find the race director and chew him out. I was going to yell at every spectator. I was furious, humiliated and utterly confused. What was the DEAL with this race?!?!?!

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I'm wondering what this dream means for me in my life. Surely there's something I can learn from it! Here are some possibilities:

1. I have been building up to something in my life, working towards it, and I'm incapable of achieving it because I have expectations of how it should look. And I'm blinded by the fact that it looks different. (ie - the swim was on floaties with paddles, the sign marking the bike path being different, etc.)

2. I have been working really hard to achieve something and at the last minute I fail to put in enough effort - at the last minute I get proud and cut corners, and it spells my failure (ie I should have come a little early and walked the course.)

3. I'm so focused on the stupid and pointless races in life that I can't enjoy the true miracles and beauty that are surrounding me (ie the Tetons being so beautiful)

That one feels the least true though, because my desire to do the race is not stupid, and I love racing so a pretty mountain is no more important than a race.

4. There's no point in surrounding myself with beautiful scenery if inside I'm tangled with frustration and lonliness

5. I'm mistaking the challenges in my life for triathlons, when really they're something more like "floating in the current on a floaty" - am I overtraining in my life?

That's a hard question for me though, because what's wrong with training for a triathlon and wanting to compete in one? There's nothing innately wrong about it - but what's wrong is when I show up to a fun-athlon and get frustrated and angry and lonely and I fail because of it.

6. If I keep looking down and seeing my running shoes on my feet, and I can't find my cycling shoes, and everyone else is running - maybe it's a sign that I need to forget the cycling and go for a run! Am I too stuck on following "rules and order" in my life instead of choosing flow? Am I paddling down the current instead resting and allowing life to carry me?

I think lots of these could be true for my. My sister Crystal does spirit guide readings - like she psychically speaks to spirits/energies that are assigned as guides in our lives. Kind of like talking to your guardian angel for you. Some of my guides in my life are silly little Sprites. Every time Crystal does a reading for me, and asks my guides to give me, well, guidance, the Sprites say over and over, "Tell her to have more fun in life! Stop taking life so seriously!"

Is this dream giving me the same message? Am I not taking time in my life to relax and be led, because I'm so determined to do everything the "right" way?

I'll be honest with you: It's still a mystery to me. But I'm trying to work through it, which is why I'm writing it down. It's therapeutic, ya know?

If you have any extra insights, let me know! :D